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DH grabbed me.

(22 Posts)
Strindberg Mon 11-Mar-13 23:23:51


In a nutshell, DH list his keys. We were arguing as he is very careless with his things. I was angry and he was huffy.

DC3 woke up (2.5yo). I went into her room and picked her up. She was whiney and squirmy and after a while rocking her and trying to relax her I stood up said "oh for goodness sake DC3 (not ideal I know - I'm in the middle of a major depressive episode and not being rational) and put her in her bed.

DH ran in, grabbed me by the wrists and whispered in a angry voice (shouty whispering iynwim) inches from my face that I had "thrown DC3 in the bed".

I hadn't. I hadn't at all.

I'm so upset.

musickeepsmesane Mon 11-Mar-13 23:31:15

didn't want to just leave your thread. Stand back, let everything calm down. Don't worry about your DH, you and your DC3 know what happened. In the light of morning it will be better. By then you will have realised that your DC is a numpty brew

musickeepsmesane Mon 11-Mar-13 23:32:57

oops, you DH is a numpty - well I can't say that as a fact, just correcting my rubbish typing blush

Dryjuice25 Mon 11-Mar-13 23:39:33

Is he usually that melodramatic? Sounds very odd that he would suddenly accuse you of child cruelty just because of a previous argument about keys:very unrelated. Why is he attacking your mothering skills? I don't like the sound of him right now, sorry

Strindberg Mon 11-Mar-13 23:59:24

I've recently been diagnosed with a MH condition and DH fluctuates between very supportive (in words) but not supportive at all (in actions).

He is genuinely a nice guy and he has apologised but I'm so upset. Not necessarily about the grabbing (he's not ever been physical before) but about the accusation. He said he would call the police and 'get me removed from the house' if I didn't calm down when I said that I hadn't thrown DC3.

I'm so hurt at the horrid accusation he made. He saw me. He knows I didn't do anything of the sort. Why would he say that?

Bluelightsandsirens Tue 12-Mar-13 00:02:11

It was a hurtful thing to say but I believe sleep will help you all and then you can readdress in the morning.

Dryjuice25 Tue 12-Mar-13 00:06:23

It sounds like he is trying to blackmail you because of your MH issues. I wouldn't trust him at all. I'd be very wary of this man as he sounds EA and leaves a lot to be desired re his motives for the accusations.

You're right to be upset. I'd be shocked if someone baselessly accused me of kicking a puppy!

Your title should have said 'DH is blackmailing me' I think. Nasty.

Strindberg Tue 12-Mar-13 00:13:43


DH said that his 'perception' of what happened in DC3's bedroom was wrong. I asked him what he saw and he said he saw me putting her in the bed. So he didn't see me throw her and he knows I wouldn't do that so why say it?

Then when I said "I can't believe you grabbed me" his response was "you are highly strung"

Everyone who knows him thinks he is such a great guy and really nice. A bit Tim nice but dim. What if he is actually a nasty guy underneath his silly goofy exterior?

He's sleeping on the sofa as he thinks that will be best. I can't sleep. Too upset.

Dryjuice25 Tue 12-Mar-13 00:18:55

Emotionally Abusive as what he's just done is a form of gaslighting and is deliberately meant to make you feel shit and doubt yourself maybe

Strindberg Tue 12-Mar-13 00:22:08

I feel shit.

He knows that I have intrusive thoughts and he wanted me to be totally honest with him. It was hard to open up but I eventually did and my thoughts are often violent and once in an arguement he said "what are you going to do? Stab me?"

So hurtful.

Most of the time he's really nice. I don't doubt he loves me and he is a great hands-on dad but sometimes he can be really irrational and horrible.

Woofers Tue 12-Mar-13 00:28:41

I'm sorry your having a shit time. I have depression which at times has been very dark. My dh has spent three years denying there was anything wrong, mumbo jumbo in fact. Then I took him to see my gp. I asked her to explain why I slept so much and panicked in supermarkets etc. since then, since he heard it from someone else's mouth, he is better. Sometimes I even get a cuddle, just because!

Anyway, my point is, with one person ill - be it physical or mental the other partner will be feeling the pressure too.

Top tips - go see a professional together to learn coping strategies. And

Thinking of you xthankswine

sneezingwakesthebaby Tue 12-Mar-13 00:59:31

Reading this brought back memories of my ex. He would gaslight me a lot with issues surrounding my MH condition. I used to get false memories where if I thought I'd done something (like randomly unlocked the door, even though I KNEW I hadn't, the mere thought I had meant I had to check it) and he used to use that to manipulate me. He'd pretend he'd seen me do something or that I'd said something bad when I KNEW I hadn't but he would blame my MH condition instead. The grabbing you part struck me the most though and his response afterwards. My ex once was screaming at me so I moved between him and the cot (dd was asleep in it) as I was scared he was going to do something silly near her and he lunged at me and pushed me to the floor and held me there, kicking me when I tried to get up afterwards. When I asked him why he had done it he said that I was overreacting so he needed to calm me. He was the one screaming and I was standing there. It was all part of a long period of EA and gas lighting that took me too long to realise before I got help.

I'm not saying your DH is the same but I just wanted to share what happened with us so that you could keep an eye out for any signs of EA or gas lighting. I agree with Woofers that some partners will need extra support when they are with someone with a MH condition but I also think some partners will use their partners MH condition to their own advantage. It might be a case of looking at the situation from a distance and working out which category your DH fits into.

wordyBird Tue 12-Mar-13 01:06:52

- You have been aggressively grabbed and falsely accused (ie, assaulted, and yes, I think gaslighted).

- You have been threatened with police and removal from the house if you didn't 'calm down' (ie, if you didn't comply).

- You have been coldly dismissed rather than apologised to.

This is very bad, Strindberg. You say he is 'genuinely a nice guy' but is sometimes irrational and horrible. Genuinely great people aren't horrible, especially not like this.

Frankly, I agree with Dryjuice. And I try not to jump to conclusions, but wouldn't be surprised if his attitude to you is at the root of this depressive episode.

How are you doing now?

Strindberg Tue 12-Mar-13 07:48:23

I'm ok.

He says he's really ashamed of himself. I said good.

He's gone off to work now. He's really good friends with my dad and they work together. I've told him not to tell my dad as I know he would hit to roof and be really angry at DH.

I'm so upset that he said that I threw DC3.

When he grabbed me, he was holding on really tight and it hurt and I didn't know what was happening or why he was shouting at me. I have long nails and I grabbed his hand back and dug my nail into his hand to make him let go. He said I'd assaulted him.

People describe us as a lovely couple. We always say that we are best friends as we have loads of fun together and DH is a generally bouncy happy-go-lucky guy. This is so weird. I feel like a bit of him as changed for me.

musickeepsmesane Tue 12-Mar-13 09:50:47

Oh, strindberg sad I was worrying about you last night. I think Woofer is right. You need to get help as a couple, he is obviously struggling as well. Especially if this is not usual behaviour from him is it? He needs a bit more honesty from you, I would've been scared if my DH did that to me. And yes, it would change the way I felt about him too. I hope you have someone in RL who can help without taking sides. Glad you are ok this morning.

mummytime Tue 12-Mar-13 10:08:54

Please talk to someone in real life about this. Could you talk to your health care professionals?

I am also worried that you are trying to protect him from your father. If it was innocent then you wouldn't worry about your Fathers reaction.

Strindberg Tue 12-Mar-13 10:08:59

Thanks you lovely nest of vipers grin

He was out of order. I'm no peach to live with but I'm not physically aggressive.

We do love each other very much but this can't happen again. I've said that if he touches me in anger again he will have to leave the house.

He said he would never hit me but before last night he never would have thought he would grab me and leave marks on my arm. It must not happen again. I won't tolerate this escalating.

Thank you for your support. thanks

Strindberg Tue 12-Mar-13 10:11:26

mummy my dad is very pro women's rights and has worked with victims of domestic abuse to help raise awareness of the issue so he would react very strongly to this. I doubt he would forgive DH.

LemonDrizzled Tue 12-Mar-13 10:21:46

Strind I'm glad he has admitted he was out of order and apologised. But there is something worrying about your "nice but dim" DH. Over on the EA thread we have experience of partners who use MH issues to make us look like the crazy one, threaten to have the DC taken away and have us Sectioned.

Bear in mind that going to joint counselling with someone who is not wholly on your side can be confusing and make things worse.

Not saying your partner is abusive, but it might be worth reading some of the links at the top of the thread to highlight what to look for.

Hope you and DC3 had some nice cuddles in the morning smile

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 12-Mar-13 12:49:58

I'd feel uneasy at the idea of H working with your dad all nicey-nicey after this. Accusing you of doing something to your DD and hurting you as he did so? Not on.

yellowbrickrd Tue 12-Mar-13 18:22:24

Agree with mummytime - I don't see it would be bad to talk to your Dad about it. He has had experience in this area and he cares for both of you. I expect he would be quite shocked to think you didn't want to confide in him.

Your dh actions are very suspect - far better to get it out in the open just in case he tries to accuse you of inventing it later.

Sorry for all you've got to cope with at the moment, hope you've had a peaceful day. x

Woofers Thu 14-Mar-13 14:56:01

Thinking of you strind. Hope things are clearer for you and you have managed to take some 'me time' thanks

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