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Heart thumping - read DHs Facebook message

(137 Posts)
50000feet Mon 11-Mar-13 21:07:48

Picked up the computer to check emails and DH was still logged on. Didn't realise at first as rubbish emails but clicked on FB messages. He's been messaging an old girlfriend from 20 years ago. Not the issue but when she asked if he was in a relationship, he denied me and said No, and now they're reminiscing about sex. It hurts he denied me, especially when we've been together 11 years. We had a break 6 months ago but are supposed to be taking it slowly and getting back to normal. He messages her on Saturday saying he remembered her nails in his back! But this was 30 mins before we had sex. My hearts thumping!

NoMoreDoormat Mon 18-Mar-13 18:23:46

how are things now OP?

SugarPasteGreyhound Thu 14-Mar-13 19:06:34

He's not answering questions and is already trying to assign blame to you.

Please bear in mind that genuinely remorseful, repentant people do not behave like this. So far he is following a well worn script.

If he was honestly shocked and distraught at being found out, realised what he'd done and the risk of losing you etc, he'd have been straight on the doorstep, telling you he is a worthless arsehole and grovelling like hell, begging for another chance, offering to do whatever it takes to stay in a relationship with you - counselling, temporary separation, changing jobs so he's closer to home, offering you full disclosure on his mobile, email, Facebook etc.

Xales Thu 14-Mar-13 08:15:49

Sorry I said he was such a vile disgusting piece of work.

He is just a lying you blaming sack of shit really.

How are you feeling?

WallyBantersJunkBox Thu 14-Mar-13 00:12:00

Wow love the way that the ex GF took the moral high ground there, even though she has a husband and two kids.

What a pair of charmers.

Don't accept any of his gas lighting. He's had space and time to think up his excuses and billy bullshit.

If it'd been a desperate lonely reach out to someone understanding from his past, he'd have mentioned you, how much he loved you and how desperately sad he was that his marriage was on rocky ground. But instead he used the communication to try and get his ego massaged.

Don't engage with the ex anymore and give yourself space to make up your mind about what it is you really want.

whethergirl Thu 14-Mar-13 00:10:18

So sorry 50000. Can you really trust him again after this?

I couldn't. The seed of distrust just grew and grew and started to eat away at me. I became obsessed with snooping as I felt it was the only real way to get the truth.

My ex's attitude was similar, oh yes, he was SO sorry and begged me to stay with him etc but...btw, he only did it because I had become 'distant' with him.

But...guess what OP, he did do it again. Because arseholes like that do. You're either the type of person who does that or you're not.

Put it this way, logistics aside, if you were away somewhere, and she turned up on his doorstep wanting sex...do you think he would turn her away? Don't confuse him saying he didn't do anything with he wouldn't do anything.

This will be hard. Because he will minimise what he's done, and he will tell you how much you mean to him, and he will make you feel a little bit guilty (maybe she gave him the attention that he really craved from you?..be prepared for that kind of bullshit). If the idea of leaving him scares you, then you don't have to do it straight away. You can just wait until his utter disrespect towards you, his pathetic lying, the broken trust...will all begin to really dawn on you and over shadow any 'love' you have for him, because one day you'll just look at him and really see what twat he really is.

jynier Wed 13-Mar-13 23:39:04

I, also, used to initiate sex; thought that my XP was suffering from depression and had absolutely no idea that he had been conducting an affair with OW for 7 years! It was the most humiliating and degrading experience of my life when my XP mistook me for her and shagged me in his sleep! Couldn't wake him!

Hope that everything works out for you, OP!

ILoveBagels Wed 13-Mar-13 23:28:51

do not allow him to blame you one tiny bit. this is his fuck up. i think not responding to him in any way, shape or form is the best thing you can do. it leaves him holding his own crap with no way to offload it on to you.

50000feet Wed 13-Mar-13 20:48:40

Jynier and to those who commentated on Jyners remark. It was me who initiated the sex, he wanted to go out to eat, so I can claim back a little of my respect, but yes the retrospective thought still gets to me.

tribpot Wed 13-Mar-13 20:45:37

Funny how this is somehow your fault, OP. Amazing. If only you could have demonstrated commitment to the marriage he wouldn't have been having a text relationship with a third party. That makes sense.

So, he is basically blaming you?

hmm

"he said I had not really checked back into the marriage after the break."

He is projecting.
He is the one who has been embarking on new flirtations.

50000feet Wed 13-Mar-13 20:40:31

I've heard it all now, he left a long voicemail. Load of tosh! he's obviously had a day to make it up but it's still feeble. He kind of avoids answering the question and goes back to how much he loves me and quotes all the things that prove that! Funny your comment,pure - he said I had not really checked back into the marriage after the break.

AnyFucker Germany Wed 13-Mar-13 20:37:38

Hopefully both of the women in this ridiculously entitled bloke's 3 way will kick him into touch

OP, you are not going to be the one who accepts the booby prize, are you ?

Sorry. sad

It would appear that he checked out of your marriage when you decided to have a break and did not really check in again when you decided to give it another go. I guess he was biding his time and keeping all his options open, trying to build new relationships to have something to move on to. That is how it seems to me.

Xales Wed 13-Mar-13 20:17:27

Silly bint seems to be ignoring that she was a party to those messages and she is in a relationship. How did that slip her mind hmm

Anyway she is unimportant.

How are you coping? Do you have any friends or family to give you support or a real shoulder?

Stropzilla Wed 13-Mar-13 20:03:09

It's good that she's questioning him, and not just blaming you/assuming you're an unstable ex. Sorry he's ignoring you now, what a shit.

50000feet Wed 13-Mar-13 19:59:33

Received a message from the ex gf on FB saying I should read all his messages as he's the one who said he was not in a relationship. Not going to answer her. She then messaged him asking why he lied, he's not answered yet. Lots of missed calls and voicemail. So, text him and asked him WHY, no answer yet.

SugarPasteGreyhound Wed 13-Mar-13 19:32:42

Hoping you are OK today 5000

Xales Wed 13-Mar-13 18:27:01

How are you doing today 50000?

RachaelH1983 Wed 13-Mar-13 12:45:55

I've read the thread must be terrible to go thro this I hope u r ok x

Xales Wed 13-Mar-13 08:01:56

Fat fingers and phone sorry for spellings. Hope that is understandable.

Xales Wed 13-Mar-13 08:00:58

Jynier's comment was blunt and to the point. It is also what I think OP was getting at in her first post and what is was trying to say. [Sad]

That is where this man is at in his relationship with OP. He is talking/remembering his sex with this ex and then hornet from that having sex with OP.

I get that sometimes many have a little fantasy romp with the actor/musician of thier choice mentally but I think what this man has done is worlds away from that.

Jynier your comment may have been brutal but I suspect it's right on the money. I would hate to have sex with someone who had recently been fantasising about sex with his ex. Not a great leap to think he would still be doing it when he was with you.

ProphetOfDoom Tue 12-Mar-13 23:16:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dottiespots Tue 12-Mar-13 23:04:05

But love does exist without trust or respect. Thats the thing. Just because someone has broke your heart you dont stop loving them automatically. You dont trust then and you lose respect but you can still go on loving them. If we could turn love "off" then we would never get hurt.

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