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Heart thumping - read DHs Facebook message

(137 Posts)
50000feet Mon 11-Mar-13 21:07:48

Picked up the computer to check emails and DH was still logged on. Didn't realise at first as rubbish emails but clicked on FB messages. He's been messaging an old girlfriend from 20 years ago. Not the issue but when she asked if he was in a relationship, he denied me and said No, and now they're reminiscing about sex. It hurts he denied me, especially when we've been together 11 years. We had a break 6 months ago but are supposed to be taking it slowly and getting back to normal. He messages her on Saturday saying he remembered her nails in his back! But this was 30 mins before we had sex. My hearts thumping!

50000feet Wed 13-Mar-13 20:40:31

I've heard it all now, he left a long voicemail. Load of tosh! he's obviously had a day to make it up but it's still feeble. He kind of avoids answering the question and goes back to how much he loves me and quotes all the things that prove that! Funny your comment,pure - he said I had not really checked back into the marriage after the break.

"he said I had not really checked back into the marriage after the break."

He is projecting.
He is the one who has been embarking on new flirtations.

So, he is basically blaming you?

hmm

tribpot Wed 13-Mar-13 20:45:37

Funny how this is somehow your fault, OP. Amazing. If only you could have demonstrated commitment to the marriage he wouldn't have been having a text relationship with a third party. That makes sense.

50000feet Wed 13-Mar-13 20:48:40

Jynier and to those who commentated on Jyners remark. It was me who initiated the sex, he wanted to go out to eat, so I can claim back a little of my respect, but yes the retrospective thought still gets to me.

ILoveBagels Wed 13-Mar-13 23:28:51

do not allow him to blame you one tiny bit. this is his fuck up. i think not responding to him in any way, shape or form is the best thing you can do. it leaves him holding his own crap with no way to offload it on to you.

jynier Wed 13-Mar-13 23:39:04

I, also, used to initiate sex; thought that my XP was suffering from depression and had absolutely no idea that he had been conducting an affair with OW for 7 years! It was the most humiliating and degrading experience of my life when my XP mistook me for her and shagged me in his sleep! Couldn't wake him!

Hope that everything works out for you, OP!

whethergirl Thu 14-Mar-13 00:10:18

So sorry 50000. Can you really trust him again after this?

I couldn't. The seed of distrust just grew and grew and started to eat away at me. I became obsessed with snooping as I felt it was the only real way to get the truth.

My ex's attitude was similar, oh yes, he was SO sorry and begged me to stay with him etc but...btw, he only did it because I had become 'distant' with him.

But...guess what OP, he did do it again. Because arseholes like that do. You're either the type of person who does that or you're not.

Put it this way, logistics aside, if you were away somewhere, and she turned up on his doorstep wanting sex...do you think he would turn her away? Don't confuse him saying he didn't do anything with he wouldn't do anything.

This will be hard. Because he will minimise what he's done, and he will tell you how much you mean to him, and he will make you feel a little bit guilty (maybe she gave him the attention that he really craved from you?..be prepared for that kind of bullshit). If the idea of leaving him scares you, then you don't have to do it straight away. You can just wait until his utter disrespect towards you, his pathetic lying, the broken trust...will all begin to really dawn on you and over shadow any 'love' you have for him, because one day you'll just look at him and really see what twat he really is.

WallyBantersJunkBox Thu 14-Mar-13 00:12:00

Wow love the way that the ex GF took the moral high ground there, even though she has a husband and two kids.

What a pair of charmers.

Don't accept any of his gas lighting. He's had space and time to think up his excuses and billy bullshit.

If it'd been a desperate lonely reach out to someone understanding from his past, he'd have mentioned you, how much he loved you and how desperately sad he was that his marriage was on rocky ground. But instead he used the communication to try and get his ego massaged.

Don't engage with the ex anymore and give yourself space to make up your mind about what it is you really want.

Xales Thu 14-Mar-13 08:15:49

Sorry I said he was such a vile disgusting piece of work.

He is just a lying you blaming sack of shit really.

How are you feeling?

SugarPasteGreyhound Thu 14-Mar-13 19:06:34

He's not answering questions and is already trying to assign blame to you.

Please bear in mind that genuinely remorseful, repentant people do not behave like this. So far he is following a well worn script.

If he was honestly shocked and distraught at being found out, realised what he'd done and the risk of losing you etc, he'd have been straight on the doorstep, telling you he is a worthless arsehole and grovelling like hell, begging for another chance, offering to do whatever it takes to stay in a relationship with you - counselling, temporary separation, changing jobs so he's closer to home, offering you full disclosure on his mobile, email, Facebook etc.

NoMoreDoormat Mon 18-Mar-13 18:23:46

how are things now OP?

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