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Heart thumping - read DHs Facebook message

(137 Posts)
50000feet Mon 11-Mar-13 21:07:48

Picked up the computer to check emails and DH was still logged on. Didn't realise at first as rubbish emails but clicked on FB messages. He's been messaging an old girlfriend from 20 years ago. Not the issue but when she asked if he was in a relationship, he denied me and said No, and now they're reminiscing about sex. It hurts he denied me, especially when we've been together 11 years. We had a break 6 months ago but are supposed to be taking it slowly and getting back to normal. He messages her on Saturday saying he remembered her nails in his back! But this was 30 mins before we had sex. My hearts thumping!

elfycat Mon 11-Mar-13 21:12:01

The only things I can think of are a bit mean (for him).

You'll have to confront him of course. I'd be inclined to send her a message introducing yourself.

Take a few minutes for yourself now. Get the heart rate and adrenaline down before you do anything else.

almostanotherday Mon 11-Mar-13 21:15:50

What an arsehole! I would be fuming with him!!!

almostanotherday Mon 11-Mar-13 21:18:01

Not quite sure what I would say but it would be over a few days, I would be ignoring him for as long as it took until he asked what was wrong, then I would reply "oh I did not think you had a wife" and see what his reply was before deciding what to do next.

Looksgoodingravy Mon 11-Mar-13 21:18:14

How awful for you sad

Agree that don't do anything rash, I would imagine if you confront your dh he will downplay the messages and say they meant nothing etc etc! Denying you exist is pretty shitty and must hurt like hell atm!

How long has he been messaging her?

50000feet Mon 11-Mar-13 21:24:45

Kind of panicked when I realised I was on his account and shocked - logged out. Only saw the history of Wednesday and Saturday. Have opened the wine!,,, he is away this week working so don't have to face him! Was supposed to meet him tomorrow night and stay with him at his work for a couple of nights but really don't feel like that now.

Geordieminx Mon 11-Mar-13 21:34:00

I know it's probably going to be hard but take a deep breath and think rationally.

It would be the easiest thing in the world to confront him, he denies it and then just covers his tracks.

Box clever... Take a step back and observe. Is it just a few messages? Is he in any other contact with her (text email etc). Is there anyone else?

Think about what you want too, can you get over it or is this the end of the line for your relationship, if its the latter take a bit of time to get your house in order before you kick him out... I don't mean actual house.. More what you are gonna do..

Good luck, be calm and stay strong

ClippedPhoenix Mon 11-Mar-13 21:46:25

Oh blimey OP how awful for you.

Don't you dare worry about "how you saw these things"

Don't let him make you take on any guilt whatsoever.

He's the damn arsehole here.

He's 100 percent in the wrong.

If you want to get over this it will be on your terms not his.

AbbyLou Mon 11-Mar-13 21:50:10

Are you sure he's away working? He is not being very careful if he had all that on a computer and then left it logged in. Maybe he wanted you to see it as a cowardly way of letting you know.
I'm so sorry for you. It must be horrible not being able to confront him.

50000feet Mon 11-Mar-13 21:54:49

Feel really angry now. How can he say all those nice things to me and then say things to her like - I'm glad you told me how you feel! You've made me smile! What memories do you hold? OW saying her marriage is crap and how she had such strong feelings for my DH! He's leading her on, she's falling for it! Now I've read it, I can't not think about it. I now know what music the used to have sex to ahhhhh. Won't be able to listen to 'Gold' again by spandau ballet.

almostanotherday Mon 11-Mar-13 22:06:41

Oh no, I'm so sorry for you, I still have no real advice, can you get on the Facebook and get any of this printed out and then ask him about it all?

something2say Mon 11-Mar-13 22:07:04

That's so hurtful isn't it.

forgetmenots Mon 11-Mar-13 22:08:24

I'm afraid I agree with abbyLou, and I'd be packing up his things. Not because of the flirting/reminiscing, but the denial about you and then having sex with you just after he's been chatting to her.

Think he needs to leave at least until you both know what you want.

50000feet Mon 11-Mar-13 22:18:34

Looked her up on FB, she lives miles away is married with two young kids! No worries on them hooking up Yet unless they organise it! She's obviously unhappy and locking on to her first love. Feel quite sorry for her but he's leading her on. He's away but is with some of my work colleagues too so i know where he is! He's obviously insecure, always has craved attention!

ClippedPhoenix Mon 11-Mar-13 22:41:18

So its ok then is it?

Phew. Naughty him leading her on.

Poor him being insecure.

Poor him craving attention.

Don't worry OP he's yours.

So that's fine.

50000feet Mon 11-Mar-13 22:47:30

No it's not ok. But I now know I have some time to do something! Just not sure what yet! Hence being on mumsnet drinking wine! What do you suggest clippedphoenix?

Doha Mon 11-Mar-13 22:53:10

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Skyebluesapphire Mon 11-Mar-13 22:56:17

If you don't stop this now, it will escalate. You need to make your H aware that you have seen this. If he lies or plays it down then there is more to it.

When I discovered 100 texts a day to OW during the six weeks after XH walked out then came back, I told him that he had betrayed me and his best mate. He denied the contact and said they were just friends who were supporting each other.

We are now divorced and he is still "supporting" his best mates wife behind his back.

So. IMO, the contact is inappropriate but may not have crossed the line yet. Your H needs to be totally honest with you about how far it has gone and cut all contact with her. You also need to think about what you want.

notthesamenametoday Mon 11-Mar-13 22:56:41

I now know what music the used to have sex to ahhhhh. Won't be able to listen to 'Gold' again by spandau ballet.

Dump him just for this! 'Gold'! FFS

Monty27 Mon 11-Mar-13 22:57:41

A similar thing happened to me, picked up laptop and saw a message to an ex, I kept quiet, it was one of the Monty secret ingredients to dumping someone who in my immediate opinion was, disingenious, untrustworty, add your own here.. or very very stupid.

He was asking her how old her dc's are now and if she's still running her restaurants and saying he was always wanting to come back and settle in Unamed town (which is where they had their fling and a long long way away from where we were living together).

He's gone. I'm well rid. I don't take rubbish. None.

Hth

notthesamenametoday Mon 11-Mar-13 23:00:51

But on a more serious note... yes it does look bad. But...I'm not making excuses for him at all but it is dead easy to flirt with exes/guys from school/old colleagues etc via virtual media.

It doesn't necessarily lead to anything. We are all human and it's kind of fun to revisit our younger selves.

I know I probably wouldn't feel like that in your position and I'd probably feel sick to my stomach, but I haven't been above a little meaningless online flirting with blasts from the past myself and I know I wouldn't have acted on it or even dreamt of meeting up. It was just something a bit playful, flattering, harmless.

But I'm a woman and maybe men will always take these things more seriously if a shag might be in the offing

Dottiespots Mon 11-Mar-13 23:07:01

Hi....not nice for you 5000. Well I suppose if it were me I would now be doing more digging. Checking the history, going through his fb private messages, checking places in the house where he might keep letters or cards. Making sure that even though he is with workmates of yours that he IS there tonight all night. He could still be meeting up with her. She can travel cant she? Do you mind saying why you were split up (on a break) 6 months ago?

filingdrivesmemad Mon 11-Mar-13 23:09:33

I wouldn't worry too much about his ex, she probably doesn't look anything like she did 20 years ago! If they ever did meet up, he'd probably have a huge shock. He is fantasising about other women, however that is a worry.

50000feet Mon 11-Mar-13 23:18:59

We split cause I was experiencing issues with my teenager from my first marriage and I put her first and moved out! I still have my own house so can have my independence from him whenever I want! I don't actually need him for myself or my kids to live, but I do love him and want to be with him! It is purely an emotional relationship.

notthesamenametoday Mon 11-Mar-13 23:30:32

I wouldn't worry too much about his ex, she probably doesn't look anything like she did 20 years ago!

Exactly. You can behave differently online to the way you would in real life, because it is not real... exes still look young in your mind whereas in RL they wouldn't.

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