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I'm probably overreacting...

(81 Posts)
AmIAMug Mon 11-Mar-13 12:42:24

Have NC'd.

Before I begin, I'm pregnant and hormonal so please be gentle.

Dp and I have been together a year and a half. I have 2 dcs already and I'm now 13 weeks pregnant with our much wanted baby.

He's been perfect. The complete opposite of abusive XH. Kind and considerate and always helps out with the dcs.

We were planning on getting married soon. Just a small thing. But now I don't know if I can. And I don't know if I'm overreacting. I feel like this could be an XH hangup.

So, on Sunday I had arranged to meet with an old friend and her dcs. We hadn't seen each other in more than a year, and she'd never met dp. I really wanted them to get on. Due to busy schedules on all sides, we started planning to meet in December and this was the first opportunity for us both. We would drive a 6 hour round trip and so would they.

Then dp was invited out Saturday night. He never goes out so I encouraged him to, they were watching the rugby. But i did say a couple of times how important Sunday was to me, so could he make sure he'd be able to drive back and help out. And of course be perfect dp for meeting my friend smile

He said no problem. I offered to cancel if he wanted a big night. He said it was fine, reassured me.

Long story short (or slightly shorter) he got totally wankered. Staggered in at gone 2 (we were leaving at 7) completely hammered.

I asked if he wanted to stay at home he insisted he wanted to come.

3 times I had to stop the car for him to vomit.
He then staggered around with us for a bit before finally going back to sleep it off in the car. We left early because he was so unwell.

I am very upset that he ruined the day and feel lied to.

I wish I'd cancelled it.

He is very sorry.

I feel like he wasn't interested in my plans and pissed all over what I wanted. But I'm aware this is what XH would have done, and this is the first time he's done something like this.

I wish I wasn't pregnant, I'm frightened I'm a mug again , I don't want to get married.

I want it not to have happened.

And I look at this and it looks like no big deal. So why am I so devastated?

Please help

AmIAMug Mon 11-Mar-13 12:45:06

Oh and of course, not that it's relevant I ended up doing all the driving too, and was shattered. Stupid pregnancy hormones.

throckenholt Mon 11-Mar-13 12:50:34

I think you are over-reacting - but it is perfectly reasonable to be annoyed with him though. Have you managed to talk to him calmly about it ? Say up set you were, and ask why he got so drunk ?

As for the wedding - don't do it unless you are totally happy about it.

deste Mon 11-Mar-13 12:55:52

If my friend and I were to consider separating every time our husbands did that I/we would have been divorced a few times. He was disrespectfull and selfish but you will get over it.

WafflyVersatile Mon 11-Mar-13 12:59:04

Maybe he was feeling the pressure of being perfect and self-sabotaged? Or maybe he just was having a good time and over did it?

Fair enough to be annoyed.

AmIAMug Mon 11-Mar-13 13:00:18

I'm not talking about leaving him. But we've always talked about trust and honesty and I wish he'd just said so I could cancel.

I don't want to leave him. I love him. But I don't want to find out that he's not who I think he is either. I hope that makes some sense.

Any advice on how I can feel safer? Because so far all I can think of is to cancel my plans in such a scenario, rather than risk it.

mowzer Mon 11-Mar-13 13:01:24

I don't think you are over-reacting. I'd be equally devastated. He had a clear choice on the night whether to stop drinking, and chose badly. He needs to have a think about why he did that and the effect it had on you.

You have 6 months before the baby arrives, see how he behaves towards you. Make it clear you need love and respect if you are to stay with him xx

Xales Mon 11-Mar-13 13:01:32

If you have any doubts do not get married.

It is far easier to get married later if this proves to be a blip than it will be to divorce if this becomes standard.

AmIAMug Mon 11-Mar-13 13:02:03

Sorry, and yes, we've done calm talking. He says he just didn't even consider Sunday. He was having fun. He is sorry.

ThingummyBob Mon 11-Mar-13 13:04:39

I always find that my 'biggest' nights out end up being the ones where I really hadn't intended them to be big nights out blush

Do you think he is genuinely sorry that he ruined Sunday for you?

If so I'd give him the benefit of any doubt THIS time.

MooncupGoddess Mon 11-Mar-13 13:04:40

Presumably though he didn't mean to get so drunk... just got carried away on the night. It's not great at all, but if you start cancelling in advance in case he behaves like this you've already given in.

The only way for you to feel safer is for him not to behave like this again. Does he understand your feelings about it? If he has been really apologetic and regretful I'd forgive him this time, I think, but make it clear how disappointed you are and how selfish he has been.

Soundofthecrowd Mon 11-Mar-13 13:05:06

I think it's really annoying he did this and reasonable of you to be upset about it. But if he has apologised and if this is as out of character as you say it is I would get over it. Im not condoning it but it is easy to get carried away occasionally when out with friends. I would postpone thinking about marriage while you are still feeling angry.

AmIAMug Mon 11-Mar-13 13:06:22

He has said he doesn't know when to stop. This is not something I knew about him. He basically said that he drinks to whatever the group is drinking. And has in the past drunk so much he's passed out and vomited whilst unconscious sad

He's never done this with me, but then he'd be matching my drinking when out with me.

AmIAMug Mon 11-Mar-13 13:09:28

So I think it's something he can't control, and although he is sorry, he knew there was a high likelihood that it would happen.

He was definitely still over the limit the following afternoon.

I'm not talking about a few pints, I'm talking a lot. And we don't have a lot of cash at the moment. So him spending £60 (it's cheap round here) is also an issue.

AmIAMug Mon 11-Mar-13 13:10:28

Sorry the knowing there was a high likelihood is with hindsight. I don't think he set out deliberately to deceive me. But I could be wrong.

MooncupGoddess Mon 11-Mar-13 13:11:25

That sounds much more worrying sad

How often does he go out drinking? Is it a once a year thing, or quite frequently?

whimsicalmess Mon 11-Mar-13 13:13:24

I think the important thing is he is very sorry, and if he isn't doing this all the time then its probably forgiveable.

aslong as it is a one off!

It sounds like he was an arse and thoughtless but it doesn't ring alarm bells for me in terms of being controlling or abusive.

It sounds like he needs to grow up a bit with a baby on the way though - is he having a wobble about what's going to happen when the baby arrives?

AmIAMug Mon 11-Mar-13 13:14:30

Only a month or less. Which is why this hasn't come up before. He always had a weird thing where if I opened a bottle of wine he would have to finish it. It couldn't be left. Even if one bottle had already been had and the next was opened just for one glass or something. He would finish it.

Since I've been pregnant there's been only minimal drinking. So it's not an addiction or anything, just an inability to stop once started.

AmIAMug Mon 11-Mar-13 13:17:24

No, he's not abusive (even double checked all the red flags! And he's safe), but I think I want to start as I mean to go on. I certainly don't want to marry whilst there are any doubts at all.

We are a happy couple generally. And he makes me the happiest I have ever been. I just need to get past this. In the past I have forgiven quickly and easily and it bought me years of pain.

But dp is not that man, and I want to forgive him, but it actually frightens me. And that's not his fault, it's mine.

Have you talked about his inability to leave a bottle of wine open?

Do you feel able to discuss it all with him?

How does he feel about his drinking?

curryeater Mon 11-Mar-13 13:20:26

If you don't want to get married any more, call it off. It isn't up to us to tell you that you are over-reacting - there is no objective truth.
If you find out later that this was a bizarre one-off, the wedding can be back on.

I think it is incredibly important to be able to rely on someone. I would be very hurt too, especially when pregnant when you really need to feel like he has your back.

It sounds to me like your dp is someone who needs to think really hard about drinking and what the costs can be. If it could cost him his marriage to you, better he find that out now and work on while he can still fix it - and get married- than later when it will mean divorce.

AmIAMug Mon 11-Mar-13 13:22:48

I've told him I like an open bottle to cook with, and he admitted it was odd, but if it was open, it'd be gone.

After Saturday he is now suggesting he might have a problem.

And here's the selfish bit, I want to be able to drink with him and enjoy a glass of wine and be normal.

^^That's not selfish, it's a normal expectation.

Maybe he just needs to get a grip on himself.

You've mentioned addiction - is this something that deep down you're worried about?

AmIAMug Mon 11-Mar-13 13:25:38

And thank you all for very balanced replies.

I'm glad I'm not odd to be hurt. My family's view would be that I was ruining his fun by being upset.

I just want to trust him and feel safe, like I did a couple of days ago.

Luckily with the wedding being so small and no one having been formally invited yet, we can easily say we've decided to leave it for a bit.

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