Marriage in trouble

[Bendytoes]

I've been married for 17yrs, i turned 40 last year, husband is 43. We have a teen who is 14.
I've felt that my husband hasn't been right for about 6 months, not touching me or showing affection and he's had some problems with his erections (soft or non-existent).
I spoke to him a few weeks ago to explain how I felt and he said he felt like we were just friend and that we didn't do anything together anymore.
He said I wasn't making an effort anymore as I like to wear lounge clothing in the evening, also that we needed to be spontaneous and he said that 99% of the time our sex life was the same.
I went out the following day and bought some evening clothing to show my figure off, I also tried to be spontaneous when our daughter was out and he said I was pressuring him.
I have left it to him to come to me for sex as I don't want to be ejected again and he's not touched me.
I spoke to him again the other night and he said it had only been 3 weeks and things didn't change that quickly!
I told him he should go to the doctors and reluctantly has agreed, he's going tomorrow.
He said that he's felt things haven't been right for over a year but had not said anything and the he wouldn't have done if I hadn't raised it!
I have suggested date night, but he said its too planned, I've suggested marriage counselling and he says he doesn't want to pay for someone to tell us what we already know (not sure what that is yet).
I asked him about the things we did together and he said that he only did them because its what I wanted and he doesn't want to fake it now. Clearly he loved me enough to make an effort before, now he obviously doesn't. I feel like he has given up and is not willing to try anything.
I've asked to go to the doctors with him but he says no and I'm worried he won't tell the doctor the full story.
I can't live like this, we have a house and my parents own half and live in an annex next door so I can't sell it as they'll have nowhere to go. Not sure where to go next with all this.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Sorry but have you considered that he is having an affair?

There are several red flags - his refusal to sort out issues in the marriage, rejecting all your suggested solutions, the lack of affection & sex etc.

Is he possessive with his phone/laptop? Has he recently mentioned a woman's name, perhaps a female colleague?

[ImperialBlether]

I'm sorry but I, too, immediately thought he was having an affair. I thought the 'year' he referred to was the duration of the affair. I thought he was giving himself a reason for being like he is.

I doubt he'll say anything to the doctor. He thinks the problem's with you, doesn't he? Why (in his head) should he go to the doctor?

[puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE]

I would agree with the affair theory too. I'm sorry. Sounds as though he is laying down the blame, so that when you discover the affair he can blame you.

[scarletforya]

I have a bad feeling too OP I'm afraid. His stories don't add up. He's busy trying to distract you from something.....it's 'the script'

[almostanotherday]

Is something going on at work, is his job under threat? Money worries? Depression? Or just plain old stuck in a rut?

How about booking a weekend away for you both?

[Bendytoes]

I did ask him if he was seeing someone else and he said no, he seemed quite convincing too.
He recently was promoted but that was only 5 weeks ago and his job is secure.
He has ran up debt before, years ago and didn't tell me, but we earn a good income between us so I don't think it's that.
He put his erection issues down to age and said he still finds me attractive but how can he when he doesn't seem to want sex with me!

[Bendytoes]

I can't access his laptop or phone as they are work ones which makes it difficult to see if he's hiding anything.
I also suggested that we watch some porn together he agreed but never taken it further.
I'm finding it difficult to talk to him and think a mediator may help.

[Whatsthefuture]

My DH was behaving exactly the same as yours last year. I found out he was having an affair. I'm so sorry.

[sallyfromthealley]

Well, whether or not he is having an affair, it sounds like it is the end sadly. He has opted out of our marriage and isn't prepared to do anything to improve things.

[Lucyellensmum95]

Oh FFFFS The guy is having erectile difficulties, he is probably fucking mortified and worried. But of course he obviously is having an affair

OP i can understand why you feel rejected it must be awful for you, but i think that you should wait and see wht the doctor says before you start talking about date nights etc. Seriously, once you have ruled out medical reasons for this you can look at the relationship. If he feels pressured then its only going to make things worse and he will withdraw emotionally too.

See what the doctor says, then talk to your DH and see where you can go from there.

Having an affair? Well only he knows that, certainly none of us can tell you that from a few posts about him having difficulties getting it up!

[Bendytoes]

I'm hoping that something positive may come out of his visit to the doctors but I'm unsure he'll tell me everything that is said.
My concern is that his erectile problem is the tip of the iceberg. The fact that he thinks things haven't been right for over a year and not told me seems like a bigger problem.
I did ask him whether his erectile issues were putting him off having sex and he said it was. but penetrative is only one part of sex and we could do other things but after being 'rejected' I'm reluctant to push it!

[Lucyellensmum95]

The thing is, it must make him feel bad, not being able to perform, but you are right there are other things you can do. The problem is, it doesn't take away that there is a problem and of coures brings it to the fore.

Has he elaborated on how he things are "not right"

Could he be diabetic?

[Bendytoes]

He says we have nothing in common anymore, I said in my previous post he did things with me because I enjoyed them but not now. He feels we have become more like friends.
Since we've spoken things are uncomfortable, we still speak and give kisses.
I think after he visits the doctor tomorrow I may insist on seeing a counsellor to get things in the open.

[Lucyellensmum95]

I think that is absolutely fair bendy - i hope you manage to sort things out x

[onefewernow]

Nothing in common anymore? Hmmm other woman? Heard that too

[Skyebluesapphire]

I hate jumping on the bandwagon, but my XH started to have problems getting it up too. He would make the advances, then it would go limp, then I would be upset, feeling it was my fault and he would say that he was tired. He had said in the past that he could only get it up for somebody if there were feelings involved....

I found out that he was texting OW all day, all night, then going to bed with me. No wonder he couldnt get it up......

I also had all the lines about how I had rejected him a couple of times, how I didnt seem to care about him any more, blah blah blah. He was obsessed with OW by then.

Of course there are medical reasons for impotence, high blood pressure is one of them. But that isnt the only issue here is it.

Please keep an open mind.

[onefewernow]

Ditto, Sky blue.

I instigated endless discussions about the state if our relationship over several years. Of course. He denied all. As the situation suited him very nicely. Income and house intact, all domestic services on tap. Fun at work and in his office ( where he might as well have lived. Had I supplied a microwave).

It pays to look further in these situations, however unlikely, OP

[MadAboutHotChoc]

He says we have nothing in common anymore, I said in my previous post he did things with me because I enjoyed them but not now. He feels we have become more like friends.
Sounds like he has emotionally checked out of the marriage and the reason for this is because there is someone else.

99% of cheaters will deny there is an OW.

Based on his behaviour and refusal to address the problem, you have three choices:

1. Put up and shut up
   
2. Tell him that if he does not take steps to improve things between you both then there will be consequences.
   
3. Do some digging around to find evidence.

[MakingAnotherList]

How long have you lived in your current house, with your parents living with you?

[Spree]

I'm going to jump on the bandwagon of an affair too.

Had similar happen with me except it wasn't erectile dysfunction but depression brought on by the guilt of leading a double life.

I think it's clear most of us who say affair say so because we've been through it and can see things so much clearer now.

[Bendytoes]

We've been living in this house for nearly 2.5 years.
He's been to the doctors and they said its physiological and prescribed him Viagra like that's going to help.
We've spoken again today and I've told him I want us to see a councillor and he's agreed. I said I can't believe he's kept things to himself for over a year and he said 'how could I tell you?' I said the same way I have, just say it!
He got upset and agreed that we should try everything and apologised.
I'm going to ring relate today and book in!
I've never been through this before but things just don't add up, I'm hoping it may all come out in the meeting.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Another thing you may want to ask is does he use porn?

Excessive use of porn often leads to sexual problems including ED.

It is shocking when you realise that he has been keeping things from you - but then he has form for this when he hid his debts from you.

I really do hope the counselling helps but as many on here who have been cheated on will tell you, they are capable of lying to the counsellor, making the whole thing a farce and waste of time and money.

If I were in your position (and I have been there), I would make sure by digging around that he is not having an affair - because if he is, everything will make sense and you both have a far better chance of saving the marriage (should you both decide to work through this).

[Bendytoes]

I have no idea if he uses porn, I suspect there is much he hasn't tell me! As I can't get into his phone or laptop I'm not sure how much I can find out. I've given him every opportunity to tell me so I'm sure he won't tell me now anyway.
If I find out he's been up to something it will definitely be over.
I feel like if we stay together I will always be asking myself 'is he telling me everything' as this isn't the first time he's kept things from me.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Given what happened before there should be full transparency and openness anyway e,g not having secret passwords and sharing passwords but it sounds like this is not happening.

You could consider explaining that you need reassurance especially given his past form of lying about serious issues and ask that he hand over his phone/laptop there and then. His reaction should be telling.

[Bendytoes]

There has been a number of times over the last 20 years when he has kept things from me and each time he's said he hasn't told me because he didn't want to worry me or he knew I'd be upset. Each time I've told him he's got to tell me everything, I feel like an idiot as this is just another one of those times, like a betrayal of trust. I almost want there to have been someone else so it can be sorted and finished (feel terrible saying that)
We are booked in to see relate tonight, I worry that he may only tell them what he's already told me and I think the decision to end things may have to come from me.
Is there anything you can recommend that I say or ask tonight?
I suspect if tonight is not productive H may not want to continue 'wasting' money on these meetings.
Thanks all.