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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Not sure how I should be feeling...

45 replies

Mum2Fergus · 10/03/2013 09:14

Not bothering to name change...

Sat on sofa with DS (3.5) while his Dad packs up his stuff to leave. Things not been right since DS arrived and over the past few months have gone steadily down hill.

Im far from perfect Im sure however during our time together he's been unfaithful once (that I know of, and during first month of us meeting)...he's accrued considerable debt (owes me £13k, CCs, loans and more recently payday loans)...and his drinking, as far as I am concerned, have reached dependancy levels.

We've talked about separating many times, most recently about 4 weeks ago just before moving to new house. But we've talked ourselves out of it with excuse of doing whats best for DS.

As far as I can gather he is renting somewhere relatively nearby. Right now, I just want him out the door, if only to avoid tripping over his pile of treasured belongings (crap!) at the front door.

Jesus, what do I do now?!

OP posts:

Report

something2say · 10/03/2013 09:22

Let the day pass my dear. Make tea. Put a load of washing on. Breathe xxx

GingerJulep · 10/03/2013 09:23

Number one priority is DS (and any other kids). Breakups, even if not permanent, are tough for all. Would you and DS be better off going out for a little walk in the park rather than 'tapped' in the leaving situation?

You'll work out how you feel.

But shock, to start with, is perfectly normal.

Good luck.

something2say · 10/03/2013 09:23

Keep a low profile until he has gone. Can you and ds go out for a bit?

arthriticfingers · 10/03/2013 09:24

Wait until he has gone then have a cup of tea and bawl.
Then find someone to tell and have another bawl.
Slowly, things are going to get much better when he and his debts and drinking and infidelity have gone, but you don't have to rush things.

scaevola · 10/03/2013 09:26

I'd Sunday - go to church, or other place of worship with a Sunday ceremony.

Go as an anthropological observer if you're uninterested in organised religion.

Mum2Fergus · 10/03/2013 09:29

Thanks all...would love to head out but in the middle of a snow/hail blizzard at the moment. Would I be wrong in requesting keys before he goes? Its my house/mortgage but is he entitled to some access for DS?

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/03/2013 09:30

I'd suggest you make plans to spend time with friends and start working on the practical aspects of the break-up such as finances. You need the friends for moral support and to reassure you that you're far better off without this human millstone around your neck. You need to focus on practical matters as a channel for your energy.

First day of the rest of your - much better - life. Good luck

mummytime · 10/03/2013 09:31

If you do go to Church today, you may well get a daffodil, there will also be lots of other non-regulars there. A nice dry spot to get away from him and maybe a cup of tea afterwards. Oh and it's fine to get tears watching Brownies giving out flowers.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/03/2013 09:31

Get his keys off him. You don't want the prospect of him swanning in and out. He will be entitled to some access to your DS but it doesn't have to be in your property and you don't have to rush to arrange anything.

something2say · 10/03/2013 09:32

No you can request keys that's fine. Try not to have contact in your house tho. Take a while to think about the fact that Daddy lives elsewhere now so baby goes to Daddy's house. Don't let him in yours or it'll be just like old times and he may try to get his feet under the table again.

Sounds like you can't wait to be truly rid??. Been there done that!

Mum2Fergus · 10/03/2013 09:34

Thanks Cog...best rethink my mortgage free in 10 years plan eh?!

Finances Ive kept very separate. Mortgage is in my name and I earn a decent salary.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/03/2013 09:42

Very smart move to keep the finances separate. Still aim for mortgage-free in 10 years. My prediction is that, without him holding you back, with the confidence & determination you gain from independence, you'll do it in 9. :)

Mum2Fergus · 10/03/2013 10:06

Starting to feel sick, and trying desparately not to get teary would it be uncalled for to start tossing his stuff out the door!

OP posts:

INeverSaidThat · 10/03/2013 10:12

No advice but wanted to wish you the best.

You are going to have a horrible day I suppose, but it will get better. Much, much better.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/03/2013 11:21

You haven't chucked his stuff out already?... Do you have a car? Could you take DS out for a trip somewhere?

Mum2Fergus · 10/03/2013 11:28

Lol not yet Cog...he's fannying about. Having overheard conversation with his brother I get the idea his new accomodation is not as secured as he thought. Probably waiting for me to approach him re staying? Our roads are bad with snow so prefer not to drive. Trying to find DS snowsuit but place is a jumble having just moved in 2 weeks ago!

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/03/2013 11:31

Give him another half an hour to stop fannying about and get his shit together - tell him straight - and then show him the door. If he's forgotten anything, tell him, he'll have to come back on a day more convenient to you... like when you're not filing your nails...

Yes, of course he's hoping that if he dithers over it you'll cave and get him to stay. Don't fall for it.

Mum2Fergus · 10/03/2013 11:58

He's gone.

OP posts:

scaevola · 10/03/2013 12:44

How's it going?

Enough snow to build a snowman?

Saltpig · 10/03/2013 12:45

I think you're really brave.

Well done.

UrsulaBuffay · 10/03/2013 12:48

Just wanted to say happy Mother's Day to you x

gingeme · 10/03/2013 12:55

Very brave.
May I make a suggestion ?
Please get some legal advice as far as contact is concerened ie exactly when he can see Ds and it will all be written down by a court of law. I did this with exp and if he wanted any extra access he had to get written permission from me . It really helps.
Good luck x

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Mum2Fergus · 10/03/2013 12:57

Thank you...and Happy Mothers Day to you all

Im not feeling very brave...its almost a bit of an anti-climax. Keys were left on kitchen table without need to ask.

Feel I should be doing something, but not sure what?!

OP posts:

Mum2Fergus · 10/03/2013 13:00

Thanks Gingeme...

How does that work when I need agreement to be flexible too? Eg I work FT and perhaps 1-2 times per month need to travel with an early flight so would need ex to do nursery run...

OP posts:

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 10/03/2013 13:10

Well done op. very well done. Just get through this day as best you can. Have some fun with DS. Then tomorrow, you just get through that as well. You will feel better soon enough

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