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A totally stupid thread to be starting 4 days after seperating from my husband!

(20 Posts)
LittleDonkin Sat 09-Mar-13 18:26:35

As title says! Me and my husband have decided to seperate. We were together 6 and a half years, married for 4 and a half. We have a 2 and a half year old DD and I am 14 weeks pregnant with DC2. We have seperated due to me having no trust in him at all after he had a one night stand 2 years ago (he blantantly lied to the woman saying he was single etc etc) and throughout our marriage and even before he has messaged countless women sexually, arranging meet ups (which he said would never happen and he was in his words only having a laugh).

Right thats the back story. All day today I have kept thinking that I will never have a realtionship again and that no decent man will ever want me. Believe me a relationship is the LAST thing on my mind right now but I just cant shake the upset of thinking I will never find love again.

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Sat 09-Mar-13 18:35:59

LittleDonkin you did a brave and good thing by ending a relationship with this sham of a man. He sounds like a complete asshole.
When you are ready, a relationship will come along. You will meet someone who will treat you with decency and thoughtfulness.

Midwife99 Sat 09-Mar-13 18:43:44

Don't worry - when the time is right & you are truly ready a good man will be delighted & count himself lucky to have you. Just look after yourself the next few months. Can I recommend Chocoraisin/Chocoreturns'sthreads? She was in your shoes a year ago & is an inspiration

StuffezLaBouche Sat 09-Mar-13 18:46:29

Little Donkin, you WILL find someone decent one day because you clearly have self respect, which IMO is an attractive quality in both sexes.
Your husband sounds like a vile individual, well done for getting away from him

LittleDonkin Sat 09-Mar-13 18:54:45

This seperation has been a long time coming so I arent particually upset that the relationship has ended but I am upset at how my marriage has collapsed if you know what I mean. We are amicable. Everytime I had tried to leave before he begged me to stay and give it another shot but this time he agreed so he either finally realised the neither of us were happy (I have for good reason been very stand-offish with him for ages) or I hate to think it but he may already have someone in the wings (he has denied this but I cant believe a word that comes out of his mouth)

I just keep thinking blimey I'm 30 in a couple of months and I will be a divorced, single mother with 2 kids. I know its irrational to think I will NEVER neet anyone again but I dont just want to meet ANYONE. I have had disatorous relationships since I was 16 and I want my fairytale eventually. A man who has eyes for me and only me, isnt emotionally retarded and is an absolutly fabulous father ( my ex tries to do his best on the dad front) is that all too much to look for?

Midwife99 Sat 09-Mar-13 19:05:11

Having been married 3 times I have finally looked at why I keep going for damaged/abusive men. It's not our fault but there is something in us that attracts twunts. In my case it was my childhood. It may be worth having some (quality) counselling to look at this?

LittleDonkin Sat 09-Mar-13 19:16:05

My childhood was fine as far as I can remember. My dad was and still is a prize twat but I always said to myself that I would never be with a man like that! With my husband and past partners the relationship was fabulous at the beggining (as soon as the first 2 relationships started going wrong I got out quick but with my marriage it was different as we were married and we had a young baby after it got really bad so it wasnt so easy). I have confidence in myself and like to think I am a good judge of character so I'm not sure what counselling would do as I dont personally see myself as "damaged"

You might do. You might not.

The most MOST important thing is to be happy with you, without needing the validation of a relationship. I agree with the counselling suggestion, especially given your relationship with your Dad, and your relationship history. It's quite insulting to say you think counselling is only for 'damaged' people.

LittleDonkin Sat 09-Mar-13 19:27:21

Sorry I didnt mean to insult or offend with that statement. What I meant to say is that I dont think I have any problems with myself or my past that counselling could help with. Sorry again.

Midwife99 Sat 09-Mar-13 21:28:49

Maybe have a think about your relationship with your dad & how that has affected your choices in men? It's not that we had to be abused or damaged to make bad choices, more what we feel "comfortable" with even if it's a bad choice. These men are often charming & wonderful to start with but the real them only emerges later.

LittleDonkin Sat 09-Mar-13 21:36:03

Exactly but isnt this the guys women want the charming and wonderful ones, we are not to know who the "bad" ones are until we see that side so I dont think I have choose bad men because my dad was a git its just circumstances that have happened. My sister had the same relationships/thoughts about my dad and is in a loving marriage and has been for 12 years. My mum left my dad and is now with a lovely bloke so I know what a normal loving relationship is and thats why I wouldnt put up being in my marriage anymore.

Midwife99 Sun 10-Mar-13 07:23:52

That's great that you've got out now. I'm sure a great guy is round the corner for you! It is hard to spot the twunts but looking back for me there were red flags!

IloveJudgeJudy Sun 10-Mar-13 13:00:56

I dont have much experience of this, but from your last post something jumped out at me. You appear to think that women want "charming and wonderful" men. To me, that is where you are going wrong. You said that you are 30 and have had bad relationships all the way. Perhaps counselling would do you good, to help you see the common thread among all the partners you have chosen.

I think women/people just want decent partners. Partners who treat them nicely, like a proper human being, not put on a pedestal or any of that shit. It seems, from the little that you have written, that you are taken in by the charm and only then, after a good while, do the partners you have chosen, show you their real selves.

In you situation, I really wouldn't be thinking about how you're going to be alone with two DC, etc, etc. I would try and find why it is that you appear to choose the same sort of partner all the time.

I hope I haven't upset you by the above post. I wish you a happy future.

Midwife99 Sun 10-Mar-13 15:20:58

Yes I agree - the extremely "charming fairytale" man is often a red flag. Telling you he loves you very quickly, over the top romantic gestures, describing exes as mad or crazy, subtle criticism creeping in. All early massive red flags. Do any of those sound familiar?

Helltotheno Sun 10-Mar-13 16:25:44

You appear to think that women want "charming and wonderful" men. To me, that is where you are going wrong.

Yes agree with this. Also OP, there is no fairytale, or at least, searching for a fairytale is a fruitless exercise. We're flawed human beings. No person can live up to another's expectations of a fairytale. Anyone in a good relationship is not necessarily with a charmer, they're just with a decent man who who respects, trusts and loves the people in his life and treats his partner like an equal person.

You're wrong to think your relationship with your father has nothing to do with how you attract men: it's absolutely crucial. I can't recommend books on this though I'm sure other people can. I honestly think you need to work on this aspect of yourself, even though you haven't acknowledged that it could be a problem.

Start with yourself. The rest will come then. Don't worry about what will happen in the future, you're still young.

sallyfromthealley Sun 10-Mar-13 19:20:20

What about just being on your own and accepting that and getting used to it? I have always been in relationships and never thought I would cope on my own. But there is a lot to be said for it and it is amazing how you adjust. Especially as you have kids - just be a parent for now.

LittleDonkin Sun 10-Mar-13 19:47:58

Hi all thanks for your replies. When I say the fairytale I mean a nice, normal man who treats me right and wants me and only me. All my exes seemed this at the beggining of our relationships and then when their true colours came out thats when I ended it as I deserve more than being cheated on etc. Granted it took me longer to walk away from my marriage as we were married and had a small child and I wanted to be sure that I had tried my very best to make the marriage work.

Believe me I will not be entering into another relationship for a LONG time! I am going to concentrate on being happy. I am more that happy in my own company and I need to put my full energy into my toddler and newborn when he/she arrives.

A common thread in all my 3 ex's is that they are from single parent families with no contact with their fathers, maybe this affected their behaviour towards relationships with women who knows but I certainly didnt seek out men who had no contact with their fathers. This is the only common denominator but I wasnt going to not start a relationship simply because they dont have their father in their lives.

greeneyed Sun 10-Mar-13 19:54:48

Just to say there are lots of good men out there who do not cheat. Don't give up on love. Sorry you have has such rotten luck with the bad apples. Good luck in the future op

LittleDonkin Sun 10-Mar-13 20:02:57

Thanks greeneyed. That would be a start one that can control his nether regions! My first 2 relationships didnt end because of infidelity they ended simply because we outgrew each other as you do in your teens and early 20's.

Midwife99 Sun 10-Mar-13 23:45:47

You'll get there Donkin don't worry!!

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