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Dating thread no 45

(1000 Posts)

Online and real life dating chat, all welcome

SoSweetAndSoCold Fri 08-Mar-13 22:57:48

Yes to the disassociation. I find myself having benign, 'friendly' chats with the ex as we pick up / drop off the DC and it all feels quite normal, and emotionally uninvolved, like talking to a colleague or something, and then when I find myself alone I just can't understand how we are in this situation, and the internal version of me is still screaming and throwing dishes. I've actually recently started counselling to see if it can help me really understand what happened, to properly internalise it. It's weird because I don't want him back, don't love him now, but still grieve for what should have been. Actually it's not weird at all, probably quite normal.

It's been 2 years Scrazy, and I can fully see that 5 years until a full recovery is probably on the cards. Ugh.

ike1 Fri 08-Mar-13 23:02:30

I wouldnt say we were 'in love'...but I loved my exH truly and deeply like a brother, a father and a son...but at the end and for many years not as a lover. TR I would only ever be able to see as a lover. I would rather lose the lover than the rest.

ike1 Fri 08-Mar-13 23:04:47

Yep SoSweet...you cannot have back what was... I suppose we can hope for clarity and a bit of peace and hopefully love too at some point?

ike1 Fri 08-Mar-13 23:06:05

But we were very much in love at the beginning..absolutely.. I fell in love with him at fisrt sight...~(hmm)

mercury7 Fri 08-Mar-13 23:22:09

<on the sofa...taking some time out>

Ike (((hugs)))

ike1 Fri 08-Mar-13 23:24:36

Dont blame you Merc...i would like to say I am joining you from fatigue..but it is actually because it appears nature has de-selected me.

ike1 Fri 08-Mar-13 23:25:36

Thanks Jules...

Scrazy Fri 08-Mar-13 23:27:16

Group ((hugs))

SoSweetAndSoCold Fri 08-Mar-13 23:27:24

Totally the same here Ike, not necessarily love at first sight, but just the awareness that something very significant had just happened, fell totally in love very quickly, but the relationship for many years missed that 'lover' element, but contained that very deep bond that I considered vastly more important, but which he did not. I hope you find peace (and love) again. I just cannot imagine it again for myself (although hope for it clearly!), but I have lost faith in relationships, and in my own ability to be in a decent relationship. That's the problem when it ends, you look back and somehow all the stuff that you'd previously thought was the bedrock of your life is just devalued and crumbles into worthless shit. So I no longer have any idea what a 'good relationship' even is. Gawd. sad.

SoSweetAndSoCold Fri 08-Mar-13 23:30:58

Oh dear, can I nominate myself for the award for 'The Most Depressing De-lurk of 2013' grin

I'll lurk once more until ready to jump into the world of dating <in about 15 years time>

ike1 Fri 08-Mar-13 23:35:05

Yep ... I see that SoSweet... it is wondering what the 'essence' of a good relationship actually is... is it great sex, friendship, support, affection, mutual interests, shared purpose....and if you do find that, how do you keep it going? Why is that person 'worth' the investment?

I suppose I know I can survive alone... I am ok... I havent gone mad..become an alcoholic, sex addict blah blah...so anyone that enhances that base level has got to be of interest I guess..

ike1 Fri 08-Mar-13 23:36:44

Dont worry so sweet, I like to surprise everyone with my depressing missives now and again ...just incase they think I am too flaky...

Scrazy Fri 08-Mar-13 23:36:48

So sweet, I hand the prize to you.

However, both Ike's and your back story seems to be indicating that a certain passion was lacking from the start so lessons to take forward. The spark has to be there along with everything else, god it's hard, it's a needle in a haystack that OD maybe won't find. Although it does for some so....

ike1 Fri 08-Mar-13 23:41:02

Oh no plently of passion at the start Scrazy...but it is hard to keep it doin over the years... that's the problem...I thought my exH was the most beautiful man EVER..

ike1 Fri 08-Mar-13 23:41:29

plenty ...goin

ike1 Fri 08-Mar-13 23:45:55

How do you continue to see your partner as a lover over many years? How do you prevent the relationship from becoming that of friendship or brother/sister...especially when you meet at a young age. I dunno.

ike1 Fri 08-Mar-13 23:48:59

I am often tempted to think that as a species we are not supposed to be monogamous ...we should all live in a big pack and pick salt out of each other's flanks all day long probably. Whose gonna be the Silverback of the OD pack eh?

SoSweetAndSoCold Fri 08-Mar-13 23:49:42

Plenty of passion but it definitely fizzled after the first 3 or 4 years. But I just don't know how you would keep that initial frantic phase going over a 10 or 20 year relationship. Definitely a lesson learnt though, that 'just' being best friends isn't enough to sustain a relationship.

lubeybooby Fri 08-Mar-13 23:51:55

oh here you are! grin <placemark>

ike1 Fri 08-Mar-13 23:55:11

No... which is why what I am hoping for is a relationship with someone who is decent that I can meet up with a few times a week for a laugh and fun <maybe sex> and who will pat my back when I cry. That's all

ike1 Fri 08-Mar-13 23:55:57

Lubes You missed my moaning!

mercury7 Sat 09-Mar-13 00:01:05

the essense??
I've no idea..cant think of anything, be it profound or pithy
i'm feeling mostly melancholic tonight

ike1 Sat 09-Mar-13 00:02:40

Oh no Merc... wassup?

BillMasen Sat 09-Mar-13 00:04:07

Hi all. My little girl is up coughing and so I'm up too! She sounds quite bad and I just can't relax so I think it'll be a bit of a long night.

I'll echo what's being said about life feeling odd. I have times of being really annoyed that at my age I'm back where is was 15 years ago, living on my own in a little house. I miss my kids and never wanted to be a weekend dad and none of this is what I'd have chosen.

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