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Please help, no idea what to do :(

(83 Posts)

A couple of weeks ago I found out - concrete, irrefutable proof found out - that a close friend of mine has been cheating on his wife, regularly sleeping with someone else. He told me that she had some issues in her past that meant she didn't ever want sex and that that part of their relationship was over several years ago. He begged me not to tell her, saying that it was just for sex and he loved her but it was the one part of their relationship missing, blah.

I found out this evening that she's pregnant. Which means the "it's just because we don't have that part in our relationship" was utter bollocks. I feel sick (she is a friend too, though I don't know her as well). I want to call him and have it out with him right now but I know I can't. I'm seeing him tomorrow on a work-related thing and don't think I'll even be able to look at him.

Someone please help me, I don't know what to do sad part of me thinks she should know, because he's done this before and will certainly continue if I don't say something, but I honestly don't know what's for the best sad can someone please tell me what to do? Because I could just weep for her sad

Eurostar Sun 10-Mar-13 14:20:30

undercoverhousewife - what an ill-informed post! Not only, as others have pointed out, that many cash strapped areas do not routinely test for STIs, he could catch one while she is pregnant and, although he claims sexless marriage, if it is not, he can pass it on still. Catching an STI while pregnant is extremely dangerous to the pregnancy and the health of the baby if they are lucky enough for there not to be a miscarriage.

IAmNotAMindReader Sun 10-Mar-13 14:39:48

It looks like you may lose both these people as friends no matter what you do so I would do whatever you can live with the most.
He has been lying to you abou this relationship with his wife, I wouldn't be surprised if these sexual problems stem from him being unable to keep it in his pants and his wife paying the consequences in the past to be frank. At best, as far as she knows they are having a normal relationship.

As previously stated not all areas screen routinely for stds, so its not just losing her friendship you have to weigh up but also losing her friendship and the potential risks form stds to her unborn child.

catlady1 Sun 10-Mar-13 15:00:00

Pregnant women ARE NOT routinely tested for STIs except HIV. I'm pregnant now and there has been no mention of STI testing whatsoever. The urine tests done throughout pregnancy only test for certain specific things (protein, white blood cells, glucose, ketones etc) and the blood tests are for iron levels and antibodies against certain diseases. So it's certainly possible that this man's wife could have picked up an infection which could endanger her baby and knows nothing about it.

Personally, I think if I was the wife I would like to know, especially if I was pregnant by this man. He obviously doesn't feel any shame about what he's doing so it's not going to stop anytime soon, and she will inevitably find out herself eventually, but by then, they'll have a child to consider who will be affected by this a great deal more severely than if they dealt with it now.

5madthings Sun 10-Mar-13 15:44:40

Actually cat makes a good point that the child will be less affectec if she finds out now and actually if she is in the early stages of pregnancy she may choose not to continue with the pregnancy and then have a clean.break from this cheating arsehole rathet than forever be tied together by a child. Of course she may not but i think she should be afforded the choice.

HollaAtMeBaby Sun 10-Mar-13 15:52:44

What is the "concrete irrefutable proof" of his infidelity that you found? Is it something that can be sent/shown to the wife? I think you should tell her, especially as you say she is your friend too. I would want to know.

ImperialBlether Sun 10-Mar-13 16:40:53

My ex was having an affair while I was pregnant and it went on for eight years until I found out. When I did find out I rang the wife of a friend of his; he said he'd been there at a particular time. She was honest with me and told me he had been there, but had left several hours before coming home and I was really grateful to her.

I spent those eight years thinking I was going out of my mind. I was on various ADs and regularly at the doctor saying I thought I was going mad. When I found out, I didn't need the ADs. My GP did say, "Oh I wondered whether something like that was going on" (I know him quite well) and I did snap "Well I wish to christ you'd said something to me."

If my friends had known and not told me, that would have been a worse betrayal.

OP, it sounds as though the OW has accepted he's slept with his wife and hasn't dumped him for that, so it seems as though the affair will continue.

I think you should have a long conversation with your (male) friend. One with no time limit and no opportunity for him to run off. He needs a reality check. If he ends the affair now, things may become OK at home. However, I don't think anyone can end anyone else's affair; they may agree to end it and then carry on.

It depends whether you want to continue your friendship with this man. If you do tell his wife, the friendship will end.

Can you respect him for behaving like this? Can you believe him if he says it's all over?

If the affair is going to continue, his wife deserves to know. You know that.

ImperialBlether Sun 10-Mar-13 16:42:31

What do you mean by "he's done this before"?

BrittaPerry Sun 10-Mar-13 20:35:00

I definitely definitely got tested for clamydia and HIV as standard tests, and I think something else. Maybe because I was young? It was all done from wee and blood though - my first ever internal examination was when I was in labour. The DDs are 3 and 6 now, so not very long ago.

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