Punching a wall

[spiritedaway]

My ex feels it is ok to leave our dc age 2 and 4 in the care of his brother. He is generally a lovely guy but issues keep cropping up. Most recently he broke his hand punching a wall in anger during a row with his girlfriend. I believe he also kicked the bathroom door open when she locked herself in. Ex seems to feel it was just silliness. Is wall punching worrying? Does anyone else know a man who has done this and what sort of man is he? This guy is mid 30's, no kids, has a good job etc.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Destructive behaviour, wall punching, door kicking and so on is violence, pure and simple. He is out of control when that happens. People who destroy and attack inanimate objects often progress to punching people. The girlfriend who locked herself in the bathroom must have been bloody terrified.
It is not silliness and your ex must be as bad as his brother if he thinks that.

Don't ever leave your kids with a violent man.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Why is your ex leaving his children with his brother and his girlfriend in the first instance?.

Have there been any legal arrangements put in place re ex and contact with
his children?. If not, I would start looking into formalising all contact asap.

Wall punching is indeed both a red flag and worrying, certainly not silliness and can signify domestic violence within the home. That lady likely locked herself in the bathroom for good reason. Many abusers as well are plausible to those in the outside world; they can and do hold down jobs.

[spiritedaway]

He just left them while he went to the supermarket, less than an hour. He reckons a fight with his girlfriend is a mile away from spending an afternoon with the kids and feels i am just trying to be controlling when i objected.

[scaevola]

I've known one man who has done this with whom I would have no worries about leaving DCs with. But I also knew that it was an isolated couple of incidents precipitated by a major incident in the relationship that provoked atypical anger.

If you do not know the circumstances that has led to the outburst, then you are right to tread carefully.

[spiritedaway]

He has now "banned" our 4 yr old from playdates on the grounds that if i am calling the shots during his contact time then he has "the right" to do the same. He is being a cock basically. Thanks for replies.

[mummytime]

Do you have formalised contact? I would be inclined to get something recorded legally, especially as to why you don't want your DC left with your ex's brother.

We had a lodger who damaged a wall, broke a wardrobe and damaged a door; we strongly thought he was probably/almost certainly hurting his girlfriend but felt powerless to help her (unless she asked us for help). I am sure any professionals would draw the same inferences we did.

Even in scaevola's case, I am sure she would not have wanted her children left with her friend until he had sorted his problems out.

[scaevola]

In the case I knew, it was wall punching only (he needed to hit out in anguish - the couple were actually in the process of splitting up in my flat. It wasn't fun, but neither was it endangering a person IYSWIM, and that's an important difference). No breaking down a door, which is far more worrying.

[spiritedaway]

Yes, he has a contact order. The circumstances were his girlfriends infidelity years ago. They got back together and he is always banging on about it. I feel quite sorry for her to be honest but i don't think there is any domestic violence. That isn't my primary concern here. More what this behaviour indicates.

[spiritedaway]

Scaveola. . stress! Many moons ago i had a couple stay over, they got drunk and she stabbed him in the arm with a fork! 20 years later they are still together and sooo respectable.

[fluffyraggies]

Punching a wall - yes, my DH did it not long after we moved in together. He was under allot of strain (we both were). It scared me. I knew it was a red flag. I wondered what i'd done moving in with him.

5 years on and he has never done anything like that again. He is ashamed and embarrassed to remember it.

However - kicking a door in to get at someone is a different thing IMO.

You're right, he is being a cock about banning play dates. I think you need to sit down with him a talk calmly about what's best going forward for your DCs together.

[Admiraltea]

Social services look for broken bathroom doors/locks as evidence of domestic violence. As the only lockable room in most houses it is a very serious indicator of extreme behaviour. Think Oscar pistorious. However he can control this at work and in public so you need to keep very aware that he does not display any of these behaviours in front of your children. Only if he does will you get through to your ex

[clam]

And how, exactly, is he going to "ban" playdates for your 4 year old? Have you pointed out to him that the only person that really affects is her, not you?

[spiritedaway]

He is calling every night to talk to her, ask her and says he will call social services to investigate any house she goes to. Like I said. . cock!

[spiritedaway]

Admiral. . that was an excellent point and pretty chilling

[EternalRose]

My first ever boyfriend used to do this, he was also emotionally and phsyically abusive towards me. Wall punching is never a good sign. If I was, I would not be leavng my children with that man at all!

[clam]

Yeah right and social services have got nothing better to do than act upon the petty and vindictive whims of an arse like him. Ignore him.

[mummytime]

Let him call SS, they will laugh at him. Honestly, what does he think they do with their time?

[spiritedaway]

He claims they, or the police, will have to perform a safe and well check if he requests.

[spiritedaway]

I probably will ignore him on that. I know for a fact me raising concerns can his brother will mean he will do it more often. That's what he's like. His brother actually is way nicer than him in many respects. I just feel if he could lose it like that then what if the kids push his buttons.

[clam]

What so does that mean that any of us who invite a child round for tea could be subjected to a visit from the police or SS, to check we're OK to do so?
That's got to be bollocks!

[SmellsLikeTeenStrop]

Don't be intimidated by your pathetic ex. Safe and well checks are for when somebody is missing to check that they're safe and well. He'd have to lie to the police in order to get them to investigate and if he does he'll be guilty of the very real offence of wasting police time.

[izzyizin]

says he will call social services to investigate any house she goes to

Ditto to clam and mummytime's responses.

He's talking out of petty vindictiveness his arse. Tell him that if he makes contact with SS they are more likely to investigate him and his db once you've put your two pennorth in appraised them of his failure to take reasonable care of his dc during the times he is meant to be in sole charge of them, and also tell him not to be surprised if enquiries are made of his db's neighbours as to whether they are aware of any 'disturbances' having taken place at his home.

As for the 'hour' he allegedly spent at a supermarket, unless his db lives next door to such an establishment, I'm inclined to suspect his trip took considerably longer and may not have involved the purchase of items such as milk, eggs, or other essentials.

[Sparklyboots]

Aren't playdates conducted with you supervising? The issue you seem to have is him leaving your DD unsupervised with someone potentially violent. As playdates are supervised his concerns about the suitabliity of playdates and venues aren't really equivalent to your concerns. Is he a moron?

[Sunnywithshowers]

My stepfather used to punch holes in doors and walls, when he wasn't punching my mother.

You're right to be concerned. Please ignore his threats about playdates, SS won't stand for it.

[mummytime]

Sparklyboots - how old are your children? Most play dates involve children going back with a friend after school, so not really supervised. But they are part of a normal childhood.