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Help please with flaky 'friend' long sorry

(14 Posts)
HeftyHeifer Thu 07-Mar-13 00:03:30

Met her several years ago at a work conference, we had loads in common and got on very well. We stayed in touch after she went back to France where she lived, exchanged emails daily, phone convos a couple of times a week, I went over to visit her and family several times.
Then she suddenly just dropped off the face of the earth. She did have a bit of stress going on so I sent several emails saying I was there if she wanted to talk, or just to let her know I was thinking about her, wishing Happy Birthday etc etc. Never heard anything from her for over a year. It was very hurtful being dumped by someone I thought was my closest friend.
Then she appeared again, all contrite, and wanting to be best friends. We went on holiday in France together, back to the original friendship emailing daily, regular calls etc. But again, after about a year, she suddenly dropped off the face of the earth again. I emailed once but gave up after that. Again I was very hurt because I just couldn't treat a friend like that.

After several months of not hearing from her at all she emailed me to tell me she was divorced from her DH and now living with her new DP in the US. This was just before Christmas. I did write back but I was cautious.
Now the friendship consists of her sending an email, I respond conversationally, ask questions etc but don't get a reply. Two weeks later she sends a random email, no mention back to the previous convo confused and ignores anything I send back.

This is doing my head in. To me, a friendship is about relating to each other, having a conversation, but this is all one sided.
I see no point in continuing like this, what's the best way to deal with this in a non confrontational way?
I'm tempted to just stop responding to her emails.
Any advice please?
(I think she's only got back in touch with me because she wants a free B&B for when she comes back to visit in England - she has no family here but does have a few friends and mentioned that she plans to come back in the summer).

Mitchy1nge Thu 07-Mar-13 00:12:32

(I only click on this sort of thing to check it isn't about ME)

I think just stop responding, divert her email into some folder you'll never look in. Aren't you ever tempted to ask her why she doesn't ever refer to anything in your messages though?

izzyizin Thu 07-Mar-13 00:29:56

As Mitchy has suggested, divert her emails to junk or some such - but do so after your response to her next missive casually mentions that, due to your great good fortune in receiving a wonderful job opportunity/generous offer from a godparent or close friend/relative, you'll be spending May-October on one of the lesser known idyllic Greek islands where your bliss will be compounded by the unreliabiity of internet connections and are planning to spend a large part of December/January skiing in the Dolomites where access to the net is equally sporadic grin

izzyizin Thu 07-Mar-13 00:32:27

Btw, if she should suggest house-sitting in her absence simply say what a great shame she didn't contact you before as you would have been delighted to have her watering your plants/feeding pets/dettering burglars etc but your home has been let to paying tenants for the duration of your various absences.

izzyizin Thu 07-Mar-13 00:33:33

dettering? wtf! deterring!

HerLordship Thu 07-Mar-13 00:45:41

I would just stop replying to her. She doesn't seem like much of a friend and if it's ok for her to just not reply then it's ok for you to do it too.

I think she probably is a using friend, who drifts from friend to friend, depending on what she can get out of each person.

CuriousMama Thu 07-Mar-13 01:18:07

How blardy rude of her!!

Bad wood get rid.

You sound very nice though smile

HeftyHeifer Thu 07-Mar-13 08:27:20

I'm a bit annoyed at myself for engaging with her again this most recent time, after letting her do it twice before too. I think my loyalty on this one has been misguided.
Anyway the replies have convinced me not to be soft about this now, this isn't true friendship, and to just stop replying when I do hear from her.
Thank you all.

CuriousMama Thu 07-Mar-13 08:29:46

Good decision smile

Helltotheno Thu 07-Mar-13 10:44:21

Wasn't it all a bit over-intense at the start? Maybe you just didn't know her as well as you thought?

HeftyHeifer Thu 07-Mar-13 11:10:04

Helltoheno I'm not sure that it was over intense, maybe my OP didn't come over clearly, but I was aware that it was getting long and tried to condense it.

I thought the friendship progressed the way most do over the course of several years. I met her in 2005, I think. We got on really well from the start because we had a lot of shared experiences and interests (outside of work) in common, and wanted to stay in touch after the conference, so we did. But it was after about 4 years that the friendship had developed to emaiing almost daily and regular calls etc and visiting each other. I had thought it grew like a normal friendship does, it didn't seem odd or anything. confused

How would a non intense friendship be different in terms of contact? How long should someone take to get to know a new person before they consider them a close friend? I'm really doubting my ability to be a friend now.

HeftyHeifer Thu 07-Mar-13 11:23:37

Can I just add, also the reason for me starting the thread wasn't to actually dissect the friendship or my ability to maintain a friendship properly.
I know my friendship with her is over and have come to terms with that part of it emotionally. I just wanted some advice on how best to stop communicating. I got the advice I needed and I've reached my decision, as I said in my post earlier this morning, so the thread has pretty much served its purpose.
Thanks again everyone.

Helltotheno Thu 07-Mar-13 12:11:04

Sorry OP, when I saw this: exchanged emails daily, phone convos a couple of times a week, I thought that all happened just after you met her, which I suppose would be sudden, but you say above it was over a long time frame.

Agree with the others, phase her out. Some people are just flakes, it's nowt to do with you.

CuriousMama Thu 07-Mar-13 13:13:24

She doesn't need phasing out though seen as she's blanked OP twice now.

And OP am sure you're a great friend to those who deserve you.

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