Just had date 2 with a gorgeous guy who ticks all the boxes, except.....
date 1 - went for drinks, he bought first round, I bought second - ok with that although most guys recently bought all the drinks
date 2 - went for dinner (his suggestion) bill came, I offered to pay half, he accepted with no hesitation. AIBU to be a little surprised by this?
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Fantastic date, but.....aibu?
80 replies
theendishere · 06/03/2013 01:05
OP posts:
deedotty ·
06/03/2013 01:36
Hmmmm..... I'd be a bit uncomfortable too? 
I reckon that as dinner is a bigger financial thing than drinks or coffee, if someone suggests it they should be willing to/insist on treating?
I mean if the guy had asked the OP what shall we do on X night then she might have had the choice of picking something cheaper?
Personally, it would show a lack of social awareness if he suggested something, and then wasn't aware that you might have a problem covering it? Unless you're both in identical jobs so he KNOWS you can easily cover it, then he could have allowed you to pick a lower budget option.
Never mind dating, if I'm out with friends and they suggest something, then I have some input into what we do as they generally aren't paying for me....
Not a LTB Red Flag for me, but more a note this, and something to watch out for down the line thing.
deedotty ·
06/03/2013 01:51
Thinking on a similar experience of mine ....
Internet date a couple years ago.
Met for a "drink" at a place he suggested...
Guy suggested we get dinner as well as drinks. For food, the place WOULDN'T have been of my choosing - basically incredibly overpriced American bar food. Conversation going well, so I agreed. I certainly got the vibe he was attracted to me and wanted to prolong the afternoon.
Guy accepted half the bill which was silly money for two burgers (plus he didn't have enough change so I actually paid an extra fiver on top of my share to leave a tip and cover his half).
I mean I was happy to pay for what I'd eaten, at the time. But did think it was pretty bad form etiquette wise, and took him RIGHT out of the "romantic prospect" category in my eyes? He had a well paid job, was telling me about the flat he owned and the holidays he had taken, and I was in between freelance contracts.
Definitely didn't want to see him after that, and I'd definitely make the same decision again. There one is
Monty27 ·
06/03/2013 02:46
Theend hmmm, no, I'm not for the woman paying half when they've been invited out by a man.
I can understand the you woman set who are high earners etc, I really can, but I'm neither of those 
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Monty27 ·
06/03/2013 02:59
Nem yes, I see absolutely what you're saying and on certain levels would agree, except I'm skint and old
deedotty ·
06/03/2013 03:45
Dating etiquette isn?t hard and fast ? everyone?s got their own path to love and own personal priorities.
Do think for a better experience one needs to eliminate men who make you and respect your own this is uncomfortable instincts.
In my case, and in the OP?s case, the guy took the lead in suggesting a more expensive option, then didn?t have the social grace to acknowledge our lesser financial situations and that it was HIS idea to upgrade the cost from a more "basic" date. For my date, it was £25 for wine and a burger, which was my spends budget for the week gone 
It?s not the money or getting a free meal off a man ? I wanted to continue the date in a relaxed way, not get an overpriced bit of meat! It?s the lack of consideration/thought and I choose what I want 100% but you pay 50% that is a Red Flag.
Another example
When we were dating, my ex said we should go on holiday. He didn?t mention splitting the cost, so I assumed he was treating as it was his idea, he had done all the planning/booking/initial paying and he was quite clear he wanted it to be ?this location?/"a week not a weekend" etc. We went on the holiday ? nice restaurants, posh hotels, which he covered.
He told me ONLY WHEN WE GOT BACK I owed him 50%.
I was young and wanted to make things work and wanted to "do the right thing". I paid.
The money was most of my bank balance. I was living on someone?s sofa whilst job hunting which he was aware of. He was going to a Very Good City Job and had a company scholarship.
If I had KNOWN I was paying 50% beforehand - which I was happy to do and which he could have told me - I?d have suggested two nights in a tent or in hostel somewhere nearby, not a week in hotels with flights on top. I had to subsidise HIS choice and preference, which I couldn?t afford.
(Actually saw him pulling the same stunt with his family later on ? even when his parents were hard up, he would manipulate/shame them into coming on elaborate holidays/meals out which they couldn?t afford, because HE wanted them there).
Feminism has nothing to do with it ? it?s just being a dick or not being a dick... I mean if the guy is a lower earner, then its FINE if he suggests a cheaper option and you go along with that 
!
It?s the "high earner and I want you to beggar yourself to live MY lifestyle and I won?t think of it from your POV" that is dick territory.
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