Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I could really use some advice. I think this is the place to get it.

(27 Posts)
Waitingandworrying Tue 05-Mar-13 13:50:55

Married to dh 10 years. 2 dc. Ds 11 and dd 5.
Our marriage has a history of emotional and verbal abuse. Not so for two years now after a short break up, owing to his behaviour. Life has been overall very peaceful. I have struggled to forgive and forget though. His actions have left damage to our relationship and trust has not yet been rebuilt. I think this is natural, and he is understanding of that.

Anyway...yesterday morning an incident occurred. Ds spilled some muesli and dh cuffed him off the head. I didn't see it, I was upstairs getting dressed. I shot down to see ds crying and sweeping up muesli. I said "what happened?" and ds said "dad hit me on the head" while tears spilled. I was distraught and asked dh "why did you hit him on the head?!". He spun round and snarled "what??!!" at me. He has never lifted a hand before.

I told ds to go and get dressed, and followed him down to ask what happened, and then to reassure him I wouldn't be letting this lie. He quickly calmed down, and went to school. In the meantime dh left for work.

Anyway - it went round and round my head until I was quite stressed by the whole thing. I worried about what was going through our son's head, the decline in my dh's behaviour and about the fact that ds might well mention the incident at shool!

I decided to speak to my local Women's Aid for advice. I explained what had happened, and the lady was very nice. supportive and informative as you'd expect. However, she informed me that because the incident involved a child, she was obligated to inform social services. I was shocked, but understood the reasoning behind it, and willingly provided my details.

About three hours later a social worker phoned. She wanted to ask me what had happened, and whether or not I felt our son was safe. I repeated the story and said yes, I felt our son was safe, and that I had phoned Women's Aid simply to talk and be advised. She accepted this, and said that she would pass on our details to the team, and it would then be decided whether it was a child protection issue, or far more likely a follow up phone call to close the case so to speak.

The SW was very keen to assure me that she was there to support us as a family, and not to create ructions. I was obviously quite distressed with the whole thing, but she did not make me feel more frightened or judged. I felt able to discuss what had gone on with her.

Later that day, dh got home from work, and went straight in to see ds to apologise for his conduct. Ds came home from school on good form, and he seemed outwardly unscathed.

When the kids were both in bed, I told dh what had unfolded during the day. He was not happy. Shouting, accusations, stupid threats (non violent)...
I stuck to my guns and insisted that I had sought advice only, and genuinely did not know WA would involve SS, but that the whole mess had been created by his actions in the first place.
Then I went to bed.

He left for work in silence this morning, although I wouldn't say he was giving off aggro vibes, more shamed ones. Sheepish.

Still haven't heard back from SS.
Anyone...what is likely to come of this? The SW said 9 times out of 10 it ends with a follow up phonecall. There's an outside chance they might want to talk to dh or ds.
I am very anxious about all of this.

I am anxious about the future too. I think my plan is to get him to move out, as I feel a split is now inevitable.

I'm just trying to get through today though. What will SS do?

Waitingandworrying Tue 05-Mar-13 17:27:19

I don't think it would happen in most cases either. I do think it has happened to some people though, and they aren't neccessarily bad parents.

kalidanger Tue 05-Mar-13 17:47:18

Your relationship is on it's last legs and now your H has started hitting your DS and snarling at you? And your first thought was to ask WA for advice, which is obvs great, but that indicates that you've got no idea what's normal anymore.

I feel a split is now inevitable Seems like it, yeah.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now