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My Dad, his wife, my family and other issues!

(46 Posts)
readersdigestive Tue 05-Mar-13 13:10:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Frenchfemme Tue 05-Mar-13 13:20:21

When he phones, just listen, say yes, no, really? in the right places, put the phone down, forget about it and get on with your life. (Easier said than done, I know?h You are not a hard bitch!

Whocansay Tue 05-Mar-13 13:29:58

I'd be inclined to take your cue from him. Next time he phones, tell him "I don't need this shit" and put the phone down.

It sounds like he adds nothing to your life. Don't let him suck you dry.

Grinkly Tue 05-Mar-13 18:50:25

Some counselling might help you come to terms with your sad late teen years.

They are a nasty bunch - I would have nothing to do with them. Why do you? Is it maybe a sense of duty or perhaps that you think you need GPs for your children to feel 'normal'.

We hardly had GPs around as they lived far too far away and didn't miss them.

lovetheweekends Tue 05-Mar-13 23:34:10

Sadly some of your late teenage years echo my own sad
My lovely mum died when I was 16 and my Dad's now wife moved in a few months later.
We have never really got on and she has said some v hurtful things to me in the past which I cannot and will not forget, even now. Like you I feel her own grandchildren are treated better than my children by my dad (which I find v hard to cope with).
TBH she will never feel a real part of my family and if I never saw her again I would be quite pleased. Which is completely different to my FIL new partner who feels very much part of the family even though she has only been around for a couple of years!

When you say your Dad's wife is seriously ill, how bad are things for her?
Do you think that you could forgive your dad for his past behaviour if she was no longer around or have things gone over that stage and you need to distance yourself from them both for your own sake.
I guess he is ringing so often as he is needing some support as she is ill but considering both of their behaviour it's totally unit of order!!

CleopatrasAsp Wed 06-Mar-13 00:07:45

Your stepmum sounds vile but your dad sounds worse - tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck with his nightly updates, what a repulsive man. You do not need these people and certainly shouldn't feel bad for feeling nothing for this woman. Make yourself a happy life of your own and stop contact, you will feel so much better not having to deal with this nonsense. You do not have to put up with crap like this just because people are related to you you know. Your dad has treated you appallingly and you owe him nothing. You owe your stepmother even less. I'm so sorry you had to go through all this, it's just awful. No doubt your dad has another woman lined up for when your stepmother dies so I wouldn't worry about him being lonely without her either.

Eliza22 Wed 06-Mar-13 09:29:50

Monitor the calls. You don't have to take them. You owe this man and his wife absolutely nothing. You have your own family now. You don't need judgement from your siblings, either.

Sometimes, you just have to close the door on things. It's hard but absolutely the right thing to do.

You've survived what sounds to have been a horrendous time. Good for you!

Gradually reduce the number of times you take the calls.

You are not a hard-nosed bitch. They aren't nice people, why would anyone in your position want anything to do with them?

Can you be glad that your children aren't being exposed to this toxic behaviour and feel sorry for Elsie's GC?

izzyizin Wed 06-Mar-13 09:59:47

YMy own mother knew her and often said she was a foul mouthed, uncouth, aggressive woman

Honour your dm's memory by respecting her opinion of your stepmother and make it clear to your father that you do not wish to hear another word about her.

If this results in your father turning his back on you again, so be it.

Eliza22 Wed 06-Mar-13 12:28:52

"*turning his back on you again"* Just because he's your dad, doesn't mean he can let you down over and over again, or any other relative, for that matter.

My dad let me and my sister down. And his other children. The last time I saw him I knew it would be the last time. It was.

Let it go and explain to him, calmly, why.

AThingInYourLife Wed 06-Mar-13 12:35:50

Your Dad sounds like a dick.

You don't need to pretend to give a shit about his horrible wife.

Greensleeves Wed 06-Mar-13 12:38:46

I would say cut them out, and make it a clean break, and allow yourself to put down all this guilt and anger you are carrying around.

My stepfather died last year and I got the bleeding-heart phone calls telling me to come and "make my peace". I have made my peace. I ignored them.

I know I sound hard, but actually I am not and it has taken years of tears, self-loathing and misery to get to the point where I actually feel there is enough distance between us that I can live my life the way I want to. It was my children, in the end - I won't have their childhood punctuated with shitty tantrums and nastiness from them.

It won't make a massive difference to your dad or your stepmother if you break your back trying to please them anyway. They will just complain it isn't good enough. You will be pissing into a sieve. So don't bother. You are not responsible for providing that woman with a happy ending.

something2say Wed 06-Mar-13 12:43:33

It sounds to me as tho you got stuck at 17. Your dad moved on, but you still think you are part of the old happy family.

I completely understand. But it seems that life changed irrevocably when your mum died. I would advise you to bridge the gap of that change, and then change your behaviour.

I think they are wrong. Not you. But I think you have to change so that it stops hurting you.

something2say Wed 06-Mar-13 12:45:00

I think he's moved on to her and her family and has forgotten you, but you don't have to do that. But it does hurt, to lose both parents in one go, when one of them effectively makes that choice even while he lives x

What do you get from continuing a relationship with your father? He seriously let you down when you were a teenager and continues to do so. It sounds like all he does is bring misery to your life. You deserve to be happy; there's no reason to fill your life with people who go out of their way to make you miserable.

You don't have to talk to him on the phone. It sounds like he's enjoying the attention he gets from your SM's illness in the same way he revelled in the attention after your DM's death. I probably wouldn't be able to say 'I don't need this shit' (although I'd love to be able to in the right kind of circumstances), but I would be able to screen out his phone calls. Just don't answer calls from his number(s) and get on with your own life.

He made his choices, and continues to do so. He will have to live with the consequences of hurting and alienating his daughter.

So sorry to hear you had such a horrible time as a teenager. I also lost a parent at that age but I was at least lucky enough to have the love and support of my remaining parent.

My overriding feeling is that you need to protect yourself from being allowed to be hurt any more by your father. You've allowed him and his toxic wife to invade your home and your lives for too long and IMO it should stop now. If you can face it, tell him you have had enough and you don't want to hear from him anymore. If not (and no reason why you should give him an explanation) just stop answering his calls.

You certainly don't need him in your life and you owe him nothing smile

newbiefrugalgal Wed 06-Mar-13 13:08:03

I just lost a long message - grr

I can feel your pain OP and have some similiar experiences.

I think the best thing you can do is just keep the contact with your dad as much as he makes it at this time. You don't have to feel any sympathy for this woman but you don't have to be horrible either and from the sound of it you seem to have coped pretty well so far with how poorly both of them have behaved towards you.
The only positive I can see and I don't want this to be taken the wrong way but as you know this illness is terminal then your step mother is not going to be around for much longer. You may find your dad really needs you after this time and perhaps you may have some of the 'old' dad back, the one you had before your mum died.

Beamur Wed 06-Mar-13 13:10:27

Just to echo all the advice on this thread - my parents divorced when I was in my early 20's and my Dad remarried, his wife isn't horrible to me per se, but she would prefer me just not to exist.
You don't owe your Dad time and sympathy for this woman, if you can give it (without it costing you too much) then you're a better person than I would be. Do you have caller display on your phone? If so, don't answer every call, or if he calls at a regular time arrange to be elsewhere. I wouldn't bother explaining to him how you feel - it's unlikely he will be able to see your perspective.
How ill is your Dads wife? Will she recover? If the worst happens, I suspect your Dad will not be single long. Some men find it very easy to move on.
I'm sorry you lost your Mum and still miss her, but it sounds like she did a good job in raising you to have good self esteem and the ability to love and care for your own family.

readersdigestive Wed 06-Mar-13 23:52:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CleopatrasAsp Thu 07-Mar-13 00:54:42

Just bin them both, they sound appalling.

newbiefrugalgal Thu 07-Mar-13 07:28:25

Change your number and move!

diddl Thu 07-Mar-13 07:57:38

Well, call me a bitch then-he chose her & her family, so as far as I'd be concerned, he can fuck off to them for sympathy.

Iheartpasties Thu 07-Mar-13 08:38:36

really try and limit contact with him, he brings nothing to your life.

2rebecca Thu 07-Mar-13 08:46:21

I'm surprised so many people expected you age 18 to stay with your presumably middle aged fit and working father rather than go to university. My mother died when I was in my early 40s, my retired dad copes well on his own and there was never any expectation of any of us moving in with him. If mum had been his carer obviously we'd have needed to do more but your father's neighbours, your brothers (married and through university) and extended family all sound rather odd and very sexist although it sounds as though he plays the "poor me" card well.
I suspect that if he kept up the moaning phone calls I'd bring up the fact that he wasn't there for me when mum died as he was too involved in his own stuff and Elsie so I was left to deal with it alone and that I have never viewed Elsie as having any positive effects on my life at all and am just disappointed that his relationship with her meant that our relationship deteriorated and he favoured her family over his own.
This won't help anything though and may be best unsaid but he sounds like a very selfish man.

It really does sound like your father loves the attention of being the poor husband. All he wants from you is to play the same role as those relatives who phone us at Christmas. But you know that he is not at all sincere about it and just enjoys the attention. You don't have to play the role he's assigned you. He has made his choice and you do not have to accommodate it any more. Just screen out the phone calls and, for pity's sake, never have them visit you again.

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