Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Pretty convinced my DH is a gay man in denial.(41 Posts)
I am a regular MNer but name changed. I think the thread about men being self entitled and selfish in bed has pushed me to post. I have never posted in relationships, but lurked and read with interest.
I am so full of resentment. I feel like I have been lied to - conned even. This is the second marriage for both of us. We have a 2year old DS. MyDH is from a strict catholic background, and I am convinced that he is a gay man in denial. I honestly don't think anything will ever make him admit it.
Our sex life is now nonexistent, prior to that it was appalling. We haven't even attempted anything for going on two years. The last time, he "tried" was after yet another conversation I instigated about our lack of intimacy. I woke up the next morning, to find him attempting to have sex with me, whilst I was still asleep - but he couldn't raise to the occasion so to speak and I found it rather disturbing to have him trying.
Right from the beginning of our relationship, he has been unable to do anything apart from jump on top and its over in about 30 seconds. Assurances were given about how it would "get better". I smiled grimly at some of the suggestions on the other thread about teaching what you like etc etc etc . I have done it all. I have never even had a proper snog!
When I talked to him in the past, he admits to not like touching the female body. Foreplay, kissing - forget it. I get the impression that his previous relationships were no better. His first wife had an affair. I think that he is a good man in most other way, but unfortunately, as I'm sure you will all tell me is the case, this has leaked over into the rest of our life.
I am starting to despise him, and its getting harder for me to hide. His idea of affection, is like how you would treat your mother. A gentle kiss on the forehead that type of thing. I avoid that now.
Its turned me from someone with a healthy sex drive, into someone who is angry. I cannot even "do it myself" anymore. It makes me cry and get angry. It makes me feel humiliated.
Its not like he is camp (not meaning that to be insulting). I am 100% sure he would never act on any gay feelings he may have. Its just so obvious to me that he is a gay man, who will never admit it. I do have my reasons beyond him finding the female body repulsive, but am not going into them for fear of outing myself.
I don't know what to do. I thought he was such an attractive man, now I look at him and know that I won't touch him again. I have no wish to.
I felt that perhaps I could live this way, but I think I will have to tell him I want seperate rooms, I can't even bare him brushing up against me.
He has talked in the past about erectile disfunction, and even went so far as to go to the doctors. I don't believe him. Neither did the Doctor, who after tests stated that it was mental not physical and suggested that he/we get some counselling. I refused, and he didn't want to. I think my reason was that I was scared of confronting the truth.
I feel so much anger. What shall I do? Oh and my figure has gone to pot. I am a serious comfort eater now, who has a weight problem, I think maybe that I'm using that as a form of protection - if that makes sense? Makes me feel unavailable and thats fine.
Please don't just tell me to leave the bastard. It isn't always that simple.
Is his mother still alive? If she is, what's their relationship like? Does he mention his childhood with fondness?
I also wonder about the word 'strict', sometimes it's used as a cover for 'cruel'.
Counselling... Please just bite the bullet and go.
I suggest first you go alone- get out all the anger and hurt and feel good about yourself and try to figure out what it is you want... Then encourage him to come along. I think you will find out so much you didn't know about your husband and he will learn and connect so much better with you- what's in your heart...As my therapist said- sometimes it needs to get worse before it starts getting better... Scary but well worth it.
Would you consider counselling again, as he was happy to try and you weren't ? Does the sex counselling have to be together at first if you or he is uncomfortable with it at first? He could go, and you both go to relationship counselling as well.
What does he say? You must both know you are unhappy and want to change - its if you want to keep your marriage or part.
If you want to try and fix it, you'll have to do something and I don't think from what you say it's fixable at home, it might be too complicated and need an outside and experienced ear.
Trying to have sex - he doesn't sound experienced and some men foolishly imagine women might like to be turned on like this.
I can see why you have lost confidence and say you have a weight gain. Subconsciously making yourself unattractive to blame that, but it's not right to do that as you know. It's not you! But it's eating away at you and sex is a normal and basic human need IMO.
If he has problems, which if he still wants to go to counselling may be solved, would you give it a go? And relationship counselling? What's to lose, especially if, as you say, leaving isnt that easy?
I think it sounds like their parents were abusive. The children have formed an over-close bond as a kind of protection and don't trust people.
Yes he could well be gay, but it is kind of a red herring.
But regardless, you need your own space so that you feel calm in your bed and that you have space to breathe.
This guy sounds like a nasty piece of work.
Separate bedrooms might be a short term solution while you get your head together. But I don't think you should waste any time trying to salvage a marriage with this person.
I agree, he sounds like a woman hater. And a dangerous one at that (if there can be such a thing as a non dangerous woman hater).
Red flags and alarm bells all over this one. Keep posting OP.
Just to clarify, I too am catholic.
I agree. I think he just doesn't like women.
Separate bedrooms I think. Certainly to start with.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Darkesteyes I have read and related to all of your posts.
I can understand how an affair can happen, and thats something I never thought I could say. I find myself looking at men at work and thinking about having an affair with them. Dangerous territory, not proud to admit.
Its made me doubt everthing about myself.
Hully I never met his father, he died before I met him Oh god, his family are another thread altogether. Whilst I am sat here I have realised remembered some interesting things.
He has 5 siblings. None of them are in/have ever been in a lasting relationship.
The relationship they have with each other is beyond close, stiffling is a good description. They don't have other friends apart from each other.
My DH is the only one who has ever had a lasting relationship. But then, all that entails is destroying someone. I look at his first wife, and understand now why she is like she is. A shell of a woman.
He was violent to his first wife, and in another relationship he had. Big red flags all over this I know.
He has never even raised his voice to me, but then thats not the point.
And what happened the last time he attempted sex. Well deep down I know you are right, which is why it disturbed me so much.
Its doing me so much good to talk about this.
I wonder if he just hates women.
my dh never used to kiss properly either. my ex OM would spend ages kissing me passionately though.
And attempting to have sex with you without your consent while you are sleeping is attempted rape.
I can relate too. Dh hasnt touched me for 17 years. I was brought up Catholic. A very mysogynistic DM. I comfort ate for a few years then lost ten stone and had a long term affair. Affair ended 5 years ago. i comfort ate and put on 3 stone but am now eating healthily.
Dh isnt the one who had a Catholic upbringing. I am but i have no sexual hang ups. (well i wouldnt want to disrobe in front of anyone new until ive lost weight but thats the only hangup i have.
I am more inclined to call gay than catholic. sure being catholic doesnt stop sex. catholic upbringing doesnt mean your dh cant get it up.
What is his family like? His parents?
I think he sounds terribly disturbed, something nasty in the woodshed at some point, but not ncessarily gay.
Everything that oxfordbags said.
This man doesn't make any effort to conceal his disgust of you.
This man tried to rape you.
That is a contemptible way to treat someone. But your self esteem is so eroded you think that this is as good as you'll ever get.
I know you don't want to hear LTB. But I really think you need to. This man is not a nice person.
Agree with others that there's nothing in what you've posted to indicate that he's gay. But his upbringing may have prevented him from developing a normal healthy sexuality (whether gay or straight), or he may have been abused, or he may be asexual. My husband isn't able to have a proper sexual relationship. I've given up trying to fix the problem and have accepted a celibate life (not that I'm advising you to do the same).
Sorry, reading the original post made me instinctively think gay. As a Catholic I do think there are lots of catholic men who cannot/will not face up to their sexuality. Many of them escape in to the priesthood to avoid awkward questions and others bite the bullet and marry hoping it will "fix" itself. Of course, it doesn't.
OxfordBags is quite right, of course.
Been brought up with a Catholic background, where you are taught that sex is "wrong" can really screw up your sex life. I wonder if he feels comfortable with gay friends, because he doesn't feel any pressure?
Sorry, but if he was trying to have sex with you whilst you were alseep, then that's attempted rape. Doesn't matter that you'd asked him to make ore effort, etc. I think that is just another example of how this man is deeply, deeply sexually disturbed.
For me, that would be a dealbreaker. It should be for anyone. He clearly has no respect for you, never mind finding you repulsive (because of his own issues, not because you are, I don't thik that for a second) and the marriage sounds totally over. Most importantly, you sound like you are v strongly looking for 'permission' to leave him. Well, if it means anything, I give you permission! He tried to rape you, you should be leaving him.
I also worry for the effects your relationship with your H will have on your DS. His disgust of the female body and of anything sensual, and, as a result, his lack of respect for you as a woman, will manifest in many other ways, large or small and your DS will learn that this is how to view women, feel about them and treat them.
You can't stay because you feel sorry for him, want to be the one that heals and changes him ot because you're looking for an answer. You and your son deserve better.
It sounds to me like counselling could be helpful. There are relationship counsellors who specialise in sexual problems who might be able to help you both unravel what is going on.
I relate to an awful lot of what you say - years of dh not wanting to engage in any intimacy with me, any rare sex being joyless, feeling rejected, the comfort eating, the weight as a shield...
You might be right about the gay thing - but it might not necessarily be that. A couple of other thoughts that spring to mind are that he could be scared of intimacy and have lots of shame issues tied around sex. He might be a victim of some type of trauma and be having a PTSD reaction (probably not, but not impossible). He might have had his sexual technique totally panned by previous sexual partners and now feel really self conscious about that type of thing, he might be totally stressed out with work or similar and unable to emotionally engage. Or... it might be none of those things.
That's why I think it would be a good idea for a decent counsellor to try to get to the bottom of it because it is clear that he has some "issues" - and you having had your self esteem eroded over time have issues that need helping with too. You are both too close to what is going on, and amateur psychology on one another can be quite harmful - so having someone "outside" as it while exploring it in a safe space could help. You could go to Relate or there is this organisation: College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists
Good luck moving forward with it all. It really shouldn't be something you have to resign yourself too
Then you either go down the counselling route or you cut your losses... sorry. Whether he's gay and in denial or straight with some serious hang-ups, this isn't going to go away.
Cogito No it was never normal. Yes, we got married. I thought I could change it - make it better.
I was so wrong.
IThinkofHappy You are so right, I don't need to bring gay into it - do I. It makes no difference at all.
Got to go out now, then working til late tonight. But will be back to read.
Thank you for your input already, I feel better simply for getting it out of my head.
There must have been a time in the past when you had a normal sex-life - when you first got together perhaps - or surely you wouldn't have progressed to marriage?
Join the discussion
Please login first.