Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
Pretty convinced my DH is a gay man in denial.(41 Posts)
I am a regular MNer but name changed. I think the thread about men being self entitled and selfish in bed has pushed me to post. I have never posted in relationships, but lurked and read with interest.
I am so full of resentment. I feel like I have been lied to - conned even. This is the second marriage for both of us. We have a 2year old DS. MyDH is from a strict catholic background, and I am convinced that he is a gay man in denial. I honestly don't think anything will ever make him admit it.
Our sex life is now nonexistent, prior to that it was appalling. We haven't even attempted anything for going on two years. The last time, he "tried" was after yet another conversation I instigated about our lack of intimacy. I woke up the next morning, to find him attempting to have sex with me, whilst I was still asleep - but he couldn't raise to the occasion so to speak and I found it rather disturbing to have him trying.
Right from the beginning of our relationship, he has been unable to do anything apart from jump on top and its over in about 30 seconds. Assurances were given about how it would "get better". I smiled grimly at some of the suggestions on the other thread about teaching what you like etc etc etc . I have done it all. I have never even had a proper snog!
When I talked to him in the past, he admits to not like touching the female body. Foreplay, kissing - forget it. I get the impression that his previous relationships were no better. His first wife had an affair. I think that he is a good man in most other way, but unfortunately, as I'm sure you will all tell me is the case, this has leaked over into the rest of our life.
I am starting to despise him, and its getting harder for me to hide. His idea of affection, is like how you would treat your mother. A gentle kiss on the forehead that type of thing. I avoid that now.
Its turned me from someone with a healthy sex drive, into someone who is angry. I cannot even "do it myself" anymore. It makes me cry and get angry. It makes me feel humiliated.
Its not like he is camp (not meaning that to be insulting). I am 100% sure he would never act on any gay feelings he may have. Its just so obvious to me that he is a gay man, who will never admit it. I do have my reasons beyond him finding the female body repulsive, but am not going into them for fear of outing myself.
I don't know what to do. I thought he was such an attractive man, now I look at him and know that I won't touch him again. I have no wish to.
I felt that perhaps I could live this way, but I think I will have to tell him I want seperate rooms, I can't even bare him brushing up against me.
He has talked in the past about erectile disfunction, and even went so far as to go to the doctors. I don't believe him. Neither did the Doctor, who after tests stated that it was mental not physical and suggested that he/we get some counselling. I refused, and he didn't want to. I think my reason was that I was scared of confronting the truth.
I feel so much anger. What shall I do? Oh and my figure has gone to pot. I am a serious comfort eater now, who has a weight problem, I think maybe that I'm using that as a form of protection - if that makes sense? Makes me feel unavailable and thats fine.
Please don't just tell me to leave the bastard. It isn't always that simple.
Agree with others that there's nothing in what you've posted to indicate that he's gay. But his upbringing may have prevented him from developing a normal healthy sexuality (whether gay or straight), or he may have been abused, or he may be asexual. My husband isn't able to have a proper sexual relationship. I've given up trying to fix the problem and have accepted a celibate life (not that I'm advising you to do the same).
Everything that oxfordbags said.
This man doesn't make any effort to conceal his disgust of you.
This man tried to rape you.
That is a contemptible way to treat someone. But your self esteem is so eroded you think that this is as good as you'll ever get.
I know you don't want to hear LTB. But I really think you need to. This man is not a nice person.
I think he sounds terribly disturbed, something nasty in the woodshed at some point, but not ncessarily gay.
What is his family like? His parents?
I am more inclined to call gay than catholic. sure being catholic doesnt stop sex. catholic upbringing doesnt mean your dh cant get it up.
I can relate too. Dh hasnt touched me for 17 years. I was brought up Catholic. A very mysogynistic DM. I comfort ate for a few years then lost ten stone and had a long term affair. Affair ended 5 years ago. i comfort ate and put on 3 stone but am now eating healthily.
Dh isnt the one who had a Catholic upbringing. I am but i have no sexual hang ups. (well i wouldnt want to disrobe in front of anyone new until ive lost weight but thats the only hangup i have.
And attempting to have sex with you without your consent while you are sleeping is attempted rape.
my dh never used to kiss properly either. my ex OM would spend ages kissing me passionately though.
Darkesteyes I have read and related to all of your posts.
I can understand how an affair can happen, and thats something I never thought I could say. I find myself looking at men at work and thinking about having an affair with them. Dangerous territory, not proud to admit.
Its made me doubt everthing about myself.
Hully I never met his father, he died before I met him Oh god, his family are another thread altogether. Whilst I am sat here I have realised remembered some interesting things.
He has 5 siblings. None of them are in/have ever been in a lasting relationship.
The relationship they have with each other is beyond close, stiffling is a good description. They don't have other friends apart from each other.
My DH is the only one who has ever had a lasting relationship. But then, all that entails is destroying someone. I look at his first wife, and understand now why she is like she is. A shell of a woman.
He was violent to his first wife, and in another relationship he had. Big red flags all over this I know.
He has never even raised his voice to me, but then thats not the point.
And what happened the last time he attempted sex. Well deep down I know you are right, which is why it disturbed me so much.
Its doing me so much good to talk about this.
I wonder if he just hates women.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Just to clarify, I too am catholic.
I agree. I think he just doesn't like women.
Separate bedrooms I think. Certainly to start with.
This guy sounds like a nasty piece of work.
Separate bedrooms might be a short term solution while you get your head together. But I don't think you should waste any time trying to salvage a marriage with this person.
I agree, he sounds like a woman hater. And a dangerous one at that (if there can be such a thing as a non dangerous woman hater).
Red flags and alarm bells all over this one. Keep posting OP.
I think it sounds like their parents were abusive. The children have formed an over-close bond as a kind of protection and don't trust people.
Yes he could well be gay, but it is kind of a red herring.
But regardless, you need your own space so that you feel calm in your bed and that you have space to breathe.
Would you consider counselling again, as he was happy to try and you weren't ? Does the sex counselling have to be together at first if you or he is uncomfortable with it at first? He could go, and you both go to relationship counselling as well.
What does he say? You must both know you are unhappy and want to change - its if you want to keep your marriage or part.
If you want to try and fix it, you'll have to do something and I don't think from what you say it's fixable at home, it might be too complicated and need an outside and experienced ear.
Trying to have sex - he doesn't sound experienced and some men foolishly imagine women might like to be turned on like this.
I can see why you have lost confidence and say you have a weight gain. Subconsciously making yourself unattractive to blame that, but it's not right to do that as you know. It's not you! But it's eating away at you and sex is a normal and basic human need IMO.
If he has problems, which if he still wants to go to counselling may be solved, would you give it a go? And relationship counselling? What's to lose, especially if, as you say, leaving isnt that easy?
Counselling... Please just bite the bullet and go.
I suggest first you go alone- get out all the anger and hurt and feel good about yourself and try to figure out what it is you want... Then encourage him to come along. I think you will find out so much you didn't know about your husband and he will learn and connect so much better with you- what's in your heart...As my therapist said- sometimes it needs to get worse before it starts getting better... Scary but well worth it.
Is his mother still alive? If she is, what's their relationship like? Does he mention his childhood with fondness?
I also wonder about the word 'strict', sometimes it's used as a cover for 'cruel'.
Join the discussion
Please login first.