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I don't want to be worrying about this (stag do situation)

(29 Posts)
LollyPop87 Tue 05-Mar-13 12:04:51

My dp is going away for two night for his brother's stag do this summer. I love him so much and trust him 100%. I know deep down that I don't have anything to worry about, but I've never been in a situation where a partner has gone on a stag do, and its starting to play on my mind.

I'd prefer if this didn't turn into a debate about stag do's, as I think everyone has an opinion which should be respected. The idea of a strip club makes me feel very uncomfortable, but I have mentioned that I would not stop him, as it's not my place to stop him from doing anything! My dp (who has attended a couple of stag do's) said he has never been to a strip club and has no interest in them.

I said that I saw private dances as very inappropriate. He asked what a private dance actually was, I explained, and he said he wouldn't have seen that as inappropriate himself, but said that if it made me feel better, if the opportunity for a private dance ever presented itself, he would say no.

So far, there has been no mention of strippers for this stag do, but I don't know if they are part of the plan and it just hasn't been mentioned to me.

I know I don't have to worry. Even if there is a strip club, I know I can trust him and he respects my boundaries.

I think the reason I'm worried, is that the weekend he is going is actually my birthday (he feels bad about this, but I said it was ok, because I know there are a lot of guys going, and they were realy struggling to find a date when everyone was free)

If it was a normal weekend he was going l would just keep busy and give myself permission to have a bit of silly irrational worry (I don't even know what I'm actually worrying about! Writing this is actually making me realise how silly I'm being!) but I don't want to worry on my birthday, I want to feel happy and relaxed.

I being silly, I know. Does anyone understand how I feel? My dp is just lovely, very trustworthy and honest.

I do sometimes worry about getting hurt, maybe that doesn't help!

ButternutSquish Wed 06-Mar-13 16:31:29

Obviously I was and still am very angry with him about it. I asked him not to do it and he still did. I can't defend that angry

Do I believe he wouldn't do it again? Yes, I do. I don't think he fully understood up to that point how much it would, and did affect me. I was truly distraught and I know he felt very bad afterwards about it.

For him it was a bit of harmless fun, for me it was devastating. He understands this now

Darkesteyes Tue 05-Mar-13 22:26:51

Absolutely spot on badinage. Totally agree.

badinage Tue 05-Mar-13 22:24:25

All this talk of 'peer pressure' makes me laugh in a wry sort of way. None of these so-called sheep ever admit to being the ones who are doing the pressurising do they? They'd prefer their partners to think they've got no backbone and would follow their mates over a cliff, than admit to being the instigators.

How women can respect these sorts of men is a mystery to me. As is why the hell no-one ever seems to challenge why it's regarded as essential for men to use the sex industry on a night out. It's not compulsory, it's not clever and according to a lot of men, it's not enjoyable seeing hard-earned money being wasted on overpriced drinks and adding to the bulging wallets of the fat-cat pimps who run these places. It's also a massive feat of propaganda that women fear being seen as 'controlling' more than they fear having the self-esteem and backbone to object to these displays of misogyny.

ClippedPhoenix Tue 05-Mar-13 20:10:21

What's the point in having a relationship if you don't trust him?

Blimey, I have never ever stopped my DP doing anything and vice versa.

If I told DP I was going on hen weekend he'd say enjoy yourself and give me a call if you need me.

Come to think of it, he's off to a Butlins adult weekend in a couple of weeks, I've been to one recently and yes, it's a binge drinking shagfest for some, so what? I trust him.

BelaLugosisShed Tue 05-Mar-13 19:08:51

Butternut - are you not worried that you have set yourself up for a lifetime of him being able to do whatever the hell he wants because he's found out that he can hurt and disappoint you with zero consequences?

The whole point of a stag night strip club visit is for the groom to have multiple dances and a private "show".

He's put you in your place alright - behind his friends who arranged his little treat.

fluffyraggies Tue 05-Mar-13 18:28:03

butternut - sad

I'd have been furious too. I'm not sure i would have had the wedding!

OP - DH and i got married last year. DH had his own stag do, which was just a few drinks in town, plus someone else's a few weeks later which was a weekend away. These two were the first stag do's i've ever had to 'deal with' as it were. It had never crossed my mind how i'd feel until it happened.

Like you i felt uneasy even though i trust him. His own do didn't bother me so much at all. His brother and father were going and he was staying local. He said he had no intention of going to a strip club as he's been there and done that in the past and wasn't that impressed. (I believed him as he had said this very thing about strip clubs years ago when we were still casually going out, and he had no reason to lie to me as i couldn't have cared less then and he knew it).

The weekend do worried me though. The guys he was going with were not the settling down kind and there was going to be little else to do but drink and make merry. I had a thread about it here! It really put a strain on me. Like you i didnt want to tell him what to do or not to do, i just wanted him to make the right choice.

Well he went, and spent the whole weekend texting me and came home early! The group were interested in nothing but drinking all day he got bored after the first 8 hours. I even had to talk him through making a meal in his challet at 10pm on the 2nd night before he turned in!

He was home by lunch time the next day.
I was very relieved.
If you trust your DP, have faith.

ButternutSquish Tue 05-Mar-13 17:55:54

Hmmmm, I'm getting married in less than 3 weeks. My lovely fiance and I have a big conversation about the fact I knew he was going to go to a strip club, & whilst I didn't like it, I would be ok with it. He knew I'd be furious if he had a lap dance....I asked him, & yes, he did have one! I went mental! Not enough to stop the wedding (i can keep it in perspective) but I was hurt, upset, felt betrayed.

So, he will do what he wants to do. Make it clear if you are not happy with him having a lap dance. Explain why you don't like it, how it makes you feel. Hopefully you'll have better luck than me in him not getting peer pressure to do it when it's been paid for!

BelaLugosisShed Tue 05-Mar-13 15:56:22

Hooters, much as I dislike the places and wouldn't go to one, is not in the same category as a strip club, AFAIK you don't get waitresses peeling off their clothing and rubbing themselves all over the customers in exchange for tips.

When will people realise that this isn't about trust, it's about respect - from a man for his partner and women in general.

I'm a bit aghast at a man who has no interest in strip clubs saying that a private dance isnt inappropriate behaviour.

ApplyYourself Tue 05-Mar-13 15:47:23

Yes you're being a bit daft and very contradictory. My OH is going on a stag weekend in a few months time. He has offered to drive the mini bus because he's not a big drinker and that nicely gets him out of guzzling loads of pints - but although they are doing outdoorsy things, they are having dinner one night at Hooters.

I raised my eyebrows at this and made a comment or two but seriously, I trust him and that's the end of it.

Is he really as nice/trustworthy etc as you keep saying? If he is then relax and stop thinking about it.

SueFawley Tue 05-Mar-13 15:24:27

LollyPop, glad you're feeling better about all this now. I must say I've struggled reading your posts because on one hand you're all "I'm worried" - thread title, then read the first post and you're all "I know I don't have to worry". And that confusion went on through the thread.
It made me wonder if you'd posted just to start a heated debate about strip clubs grin.
As I say, glad to read your post of 15.19 and now youv'e got it all sorted in your head.
Make plans to enjoy your birthday with your mates.

badinage Tue 05-Mar-13 15:23:10

Thankfully not all men feel it necessary to prop up the vile sex industry on a night out, so this stag party might be comprised of decent blokes who've got more sense and ethics. I'd have a think though about why you'd be 'okay' if this involved a strip club, or whether your partner would just go along with the crowd if they went to one. It's perfectly reasonable to disapprove of the sex industry and what a lot of men find is that as soon as one of them has the courage to say 'nah, not for me thanks' when a sex club is suggested, more men in the group have the courage to say 'no, me neither'.

So don't feel any pressure to be 'cool' with something that makes you uncomfortable - and encourage your partner to have the same courage.

LollyPop87 Tue 05-Mar-13 15:19:12

Astelia - Sorry, I don't think I have explained myself properly - I would never in a million years tell him he couldn't go somewhere! The only conversation we have had about it is the one I have detailed in my op, and I never told him he couldn't - that is something that I would never dream of doing. I explained to him that I was ok with it, and mentioned where my boundaries are. It was a very relaxed and casual conversation too smile

I'm glad I wrote it all down because its help me to see it all very logically. I do know that I don't have anything to worry about, think I was just having abit of a silly and hormonal morning, feel fine about it now smile

I actually feel a bit embarrassed about being silly now!

thinking1 Tue 05-Mar-13 15:01:22

Turn it around.

I am going on a hen night in May. With a group of girls. We might have a stripper, we might get very drunk and end up in a club with a pole. I might swing around it and get my boobs out. I might snog a random man and take him back to my hotel room for the night.

Actually, I wouldn't do any of the above, and my DP hasn't even asked what we're doing on the weekend away in a big clubbing city. Clearly he's not remotely concerned - because he knows I won't do any of the above (well, I might get drunk and end up in a club with a pole. I might even swing around it).

If you trust him, don't worry about it.

Astelia Tue 05-Mar-13 14:52:41

I do think you are being over controlling. He is a grown man, you have told him how you feel about strip clubs etc, now let him get on with it.

Trying to micromanage someone else's behaviour is going to lead to resentment. I would be extremely unimpressed if DH tried to order me around and ban me from going places. I will listen to his opinion then it is up to me what I do or don't do.

LollyPop87 Tue 05-Mar-13 14:24:09

curiousgeorgie - oh! I think I've got off lightly now! Hope he's not going to be too far away, just in case your baby has very good time keeping skills!

izzyizin - you're totally right! I always try and think - 'if he's a good egg, then you don't need to worry. If he's a bad egg, he's not worth the worry. So either way, there's no need to worry!' smile

And I'm certain he's a good egg smile

izzyizin Tue 05-Mar-13 14:00:40

I know deep down that I don't have anything to worry about

I know I don't have to worry. Even if there is a strip club, I know I can trust him and he respects my boundaries

My dp is just lovely, very trustworthy and honest

Either the above is true, or it's not.

If it's true, kiss him goodbye, wish him a good time, and make arrangements for the pair of you to celebrate your birthday the weekend after.

If it's not true, LTB grin

curiousgeorgie Tue 05-Mar-13 13:56:06

My DH is currently arranging his brothers stag do...

It is very strip club heavy.

It is the weekend of my due date!

He's taking my little brother!! (18 but still little to me!!)

I think you've got it okay wink

LollyPop87 Tue 05-Mar-13 13:40:30

Thanks maleview! You have confirmed what i was thinking - not every stag do has to end up in a strip club. I was starting to think I was incorrect in thinking that!

My partner isn't the type to be into that sort of thing, and neither is his brother from what I can tell. I also think, in the unlikely event that they did end up in a strip club, he would just have abit of a laugh, but I trust him fully to not cross any boundaries smile

Thanks again for your reassurance!

maleview70 Tue 05-Mar-13 13:31:57

I'll confirm it.....you are being irrational and silly!

I've been on loads on weekends away with lads on stag do's etc, very few have ended up in strip clubs.

Not every group are into that sort of thing.

You need to stop stressing!

LollyPop87 Tue 05-Mar-13 12:57:06

I've not been invited on the hen night, I'm not that close to his brother's fiancee so I didn't expect to be smile

Looksgoodingravy Tue 05-Mar-13 12:55:15

Will you be going out with the girls on a hen night?

LollyPop87 Tue 05-Mar-13 12:44:49

Also, its entirely possible that I do know all the plans! I honestly don't know why I'm worrying, I think I'm being abit irrational!

Its just I know it cost a fair bit, so I know they've probably booked entry to clubs and things, but there's been absolutely no suggestion from anyone (apart from the voices in my head haha!) that this could be a strip club.

In reality, writing it down, I think I'm being very silly. I know he loves and respects me, that really is all I need to know I suppose!

LollyPop87 Tue 05-Mar-13 12:40:20

Bela - he meant it in a nice way smile One of the things I love about him is that he is very honest, so he was just giving me his honest opinion on the situation. But he said he has no interest in it at all, and was more assuring me that I didn't have to worry about him doing that, as he would never do something if he thought it would hurt me.

I am just about ok with strip clubs on a stag do, because I know he loves me and respects me and my boundaries. So I wouldn't want to say he can't do that, as I wouldn't want to say what he can and can't do. I've told him how I feel about private dances as they do cross a boundary for me.

The birthday thing did upset me, but there really was no other date. He is very close to his brother and I would never want to make him choose smile

Thanks for your replies so far, I know I'm being silly!

LittleEdie Tue 05-Mar-13 12:31:57

Hmmm, are you regretting saying he could go when it's your birthday? Frankly I would have said no. But that's me grin

BelaLugosisShed Tue 05-Mar-13 12:30:21

I really don't like the fact that he said he didn't find the thought of a private dance inappropriate and that he wouldn't have one if "it made you happy" - surely he should forego one because he wouldn't want one in the 1st place?
Does the bride to be knows the full plans? it's not unreasonable to want to know full details of the weekend if your partner is attending.

Also, why isn't it "your place" to ask him not to do something you find personally or morally reprehensible?
Relationships with strong boundaries where both partners know exactly what is and isn't unacceptable behaviour are healthy ones.

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