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I am falling apart - please help

(72 Posts)
Orchidlady Tue 05-Mar-13 10:43:20

DP left a couple of weeks ago and I am just not coping. I can't eat, can't sleep, drinking far too much, having major panic attacks. I thought I was strong, I could cope but I am not. To make matters worse I am in serious financial shit and because not feeling myself not seeing how to deal with it all. Talking inland Rev, mortgage company. Just realised I need to do a VAT return today ong. Since he left he has been back several times, we actually slept together last Friday, went for Sunday lunch had a nice time and then he just breezes of, it is doing my head in. It is a beautiful sunny day and all I can do is sob my heart out. Despite what people say on here, there is no OW, there really isn't, we were just we having issues and things came to a head. I asked him to leave and he did. Anyone who does not know we have been tog for 20 years and have a DS.

cestlavielife Tue 05-Mar-13 15:56:14

"stop trying to get inside his head and fretting about how he's feeling and what he's thinking and doing"

exactly - it is early days for you but that is a good thing to think about.

one lady told me she would visualise a box into which to put all thoughts of her ex, then put it at back of a cupboard to be forgotten ...when the thoughts come, banish them. leave him at your door. gone.

in a few months -well maybe you can think but in a different detached way .

what about arrangements for Ds to be with him?

Orchidlady Tue 05-Mar-13 16:36:26

Cest Well he does not have a suitable place for DS apparently. I asked him to buy DS a new mobile so can have contact which he did, still rings on the house phone though. I will always encourage them to have a relationship as I have always does but end of the day will be down to DP to be the grown up, lets see. He is miffed that DS1 has not bothered to call him ( not his son but know him since he was 2)

badinage Tue 05-Mar-13 22:28:27

So he's walked out and is living in a place where your DS can't go you say? Do you know where he's living?

raenbow Tue 05-Mar-13 23:05:54

Orchid lady sorry you are having a 'blip' today. But that's all it is a temporary thing. Getting involved with him again has made you feel part of his life again and it won't do you any good . I agree with the others detach detach detach! It truly helps . A month ago I felt just like you (and I still have my moments) but they are getting further and fewer between. I get up and it's not the first thing I think of in the morning nor last at night and you will too. Give yourself time and space and you will look back on it and see it wasn't good for you . Your self esteem is bound to be at a low but as they' say ' the only way is up baby ' !! (:
Have you had any financial advice ? What about the CAB or your bank if debts Consumer Credit council (or Step Change as they now seem to be called for advice http://www.stepchange.org/) .

Orchidlady Wed 06-Mar-13 09:26:45

Thanks for all the kind words and sensible advise. Spoke to DF last night to let him know and got "well you were not very nice to him the last time I saw you" WTF, so much for support from your own family. Mind you were are talking about someone that divorced 20 years ago and will not be in the same room as my mum. Having real trouble sleeping so guess this will not be helping. Will vow not to call him today despite how bad I feel. He does not deserve me.
raen goodness after 1 month you are feeling better that is great, hope I am like that

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 06-Mar-13 09:41:29

The only way you will feel better is if you detach. Only have contact if it relates to child care/contact.

Stop thinking about what is in his head.

Focus on yourself and DC.

Get financial and legal advice.

Orchidlady Wed 06-Mar-13 10:58:08

mad if only it was that simple sad. Having a better morning though, poor DS still off school and feeling poorly. Lucky I work from home so able to care from him. He has not heard from his Dad at all.

flossfour Wed 06-Mar-13 11:09:14

Orchidlady, I really feel your pain. Went through exact same feelings 13 years ago when DH ran off with 'best friend'. Went through a few mobile 'phones (throwing at wall after talking to him). Only looking back can I see what I should have done - just let him go and had no further contact unless it was about children. However, if someone had told me that then I would have said they did not know what they were talking about. So, the only advice I can give you is this: Firstly, please, please go and see your doctor. You do not have to take any pills for them to be of great help, I promise you! Secondly, try and keep a diary of your feelings - you will one day be astounded when you look back. Thirdly, if you can listen to one thing only, let it be this: your DS needs to now more than ever, be there for your children as much as you can and no, time doesn't heal all wounds but, believe me, there will come a day when you will be able to live with this wound - without crying too!!! Promise!

Orchidlady Wed 06-Mar-13 11:22:55

floss thank you.It means a lot, so nice to hear from people who have been through the same thing. My family are really rubbish to talk, I am so pissed off with my DF after last nights conversation. I know one day I will be ok. I might just go and see the GP and get something to help me sleep, I think that it why I am ill, I never get sick ,so probably run down. DS, he actually seems ok, unfortunately he will soon see how self entitled and what a bad father is. I have tried to shield it from him for years

boyfromipinema Wed 06-Mar-13 11:30:43

Better or wrose then filling in the VAT return?

flossfour Wed 06-Mar-13 11:35:36

If you are anything like the rest of us, you will probably go to doctor thinking you are wasting their time - and then burst into tears as soon as you sit down!!! Honestly, just going to one appointment makes you feel better without tablets (although don't dismiss Prozac - highly recommend it to all my friends!).

And will probably help you if you can refrain from hitting all 'friends/family' who tell you everything's going to be alright without telling you how or giving you a time frame!!!! If I remember rightly, I'm sure I had a few screaming fits at those people!! xx

boyfromipinema Wed 06-Mar-13 11:42:07

sorry orchidlady. My comment was a lighthearted comparison to the 'sex was crap last friday' comment you made.
No offence intended. I know how hard this must be for you as going through it myself.
Keep your chin up.

Orchidlady Wed 06-Mar-13 11:56:01

boy no offence taken smile. Was about as boring as the VAT form. He really is rubbish in the sack. It was so confusing as he instigated it. Sorry to hear you are going through a tough time, care to share?
floss I have actually got some prozac but might be out of date, never did get round to taking it when last prescribed. Not screamed at anyone yet,did have a major melt down on Sunday and DS had to call my friend blush So ashamed thought I was doing so well

Orchidlady Wed 06-Mar-13 14:57:17

First time I have been hungry and he calls me in the middle of lunch. He wanted to know how DS, told him is not well and I said why don't you call him. According to him he was perfectly when the 5 minutes he was here on Monday. Seemed to want to chat but I was cool and calm, said he would call me later, why? Think he might be missing someone to talk with. It was hard but strangely empowering. It seems the cooler I am the more he wants to talk, how very odd

SueFawley Wed 06-Mar-13 16:51:02

Orchid, now is a good time for you to set some boundaries. If you're busy doing something eg eating your lunch, don't answer the phone when he calls. You no longer have to jump when he whistles. Set the boundaries yourself. Don't get into idle chat with him.
There's a very strong chance that he still sees you as his soft place to land. I'd bet my house on it actually. Plus, he doesn't want to feel like the bad guy, so he's trying to be 'friends'. Don't read anything more into his behaviour than that.

And by all means go to your GP. floss is spot on in what she said.

Orchidlady Wed 06-Mar-13 17:06:44

Thanks sue did not know it was him, was not expecting him on my work phone. Not sure why he phoned really. I think it might be dawning on him that life is not so fantastic on his own.

badinage Wed 06-Mar-13 19:43:29

I doubt that. More likely he is looking to keep you sweet if his current life doesn't work out so that he can return home and carry on being propped up despite being abusive, an alcoholic, rubbish in bed and a bad father. How many of these 20 years were actually good and happy? When did you last feel that you were an equal partner who was desired, cherished and supported?

raenbow Wed 06-Mar-13 22:19:44

I agree with Sue Orchid set boundaries now. You have to let him know that you are no longer a sounding board for him . My ex will come round( though not recent as I don't invite him into my home anymore )he tells me about his business and new business opportunities as I think he's forgotten I no longer do that. So I told him actually I am not really interested in what he does beyond his involvement with the children. It has really helped me detach from him as I was gettng to the point when every time I had contact I would get upset or angry and things escalated to email or text arguments and it was not good for me and I was investing too much energy into it all .

It has been a long month , hell its been a long six months since i left but i would say Channel all of your energies into your son and yourself do some things you enjoy and surround yourself with people whoake you feel good . Sorry your DF was negative when you told him I would then confide in others who support you .Hope DS is better too!!

cestlavielife Wed 06-Mar-13 23:20:52

Stop thinking about what he might be feeling or thinking...you can't be inside his head and anyway it doesn't matter. His feelings his problem. His actions over the years have shown you enough...

Think about you and ds. Think about what you think and feel and addres that.

Not him.

Orchidlady Thu 07-Mar-13 12:04:30

All I want to do is beg him to come back sad poor DS is ill still, I am panicking about money, can't concentrate on my job. I am a mess. Have some Fluoxetine on my desk ( prescribed before but never took) maybe a should start taking but worried about taking them. Keep trying to talk myself around but just not working

badinage Thu 07-Mar-13 12:38:36

Have you considered that letting a bloke like this back into your life would be very selfish towards your son?

His life must have been a nightmare living with someone who took so much from family life. When the focus should have been on him, it must have been diluted massively by your husband's selfish needs. You're an adult and have had the choice to live with such a selfish man. Your boy has had no choice.

Your older lad has got the measure of him and that's why he hasn't called him. He's probably made his life a bloody misery too.

Maybe you need to see this through their eyes and not just your own? You say you've tried to shield your younger boy from your husband's problems but there's no hiding place from an alcoholic abusive tosser.

Everyone's giving you the same advice. Detach from him and start putting you and your sons first. Start seeing the new lease of life you'll have without this drain on your lives.

Orchidlady Thu 07-Mar-13 12:54:10

Even if I asked him he would not come back, he does not want me. Both boys love him, he is not all bad. Yes MH issues, for some reason all I can focus on is the good stuff right now. I just can't help the pain I feel. It has only been 2 weeks and just not getting any better. Sorry I sound pathetic and wesk

badinage Thu 07-Mar-13 13:09:11

But other posters are saying it wasn't just MH issues.

With regard to the boys, you can still love someone who's made your life a misery. You do, after all.

When did you last feel you were adored, cherished and that you could rely on him completely Orchid? Please answer that question.

Orchidlady Thu 07-Mar-13 13:25:01

I think most of his behaviour is down to MH issues. I think/thought he has always loved me,well maybe not but. I can not rely on him to do a lot of things

badinage Thu 07-Mar-13 13:26:46

I don't.

I've known several people with depression. They are not abusive alcoholics.

You didn't answer the question.

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