Help me stay mature about ex

[porridgeLover]

Children at Ex's over weekend for their access.
In bath, I noticed DD2 had nail varnish, which I admired before removing as it's not allowed in school. She said 'Daddy's friend ''D'' put it on'.
DS heard, and said 'Yeah, she fell asleep in Daddy's bed last night, they were drunk and fell asleep chatting'.

It emerged that ExH went out on Sat night leaving kids with babysitter, and they woke on Sun to meet this woman (who painted DD2's nails).

Now I know I cannot control what happens when they are with him. I know he can see and sleep with whoever he wants. I know I cant dictate what happens when they are with him.

But FFS.
He has them for 3 nights a month. But they are regularly left with a babysitter.
He has some random person staying in the house with them. No respect for them that they are not important enough to stay in and read them a book and cuddle them to sleep. Silly man.
I've never heard them speak about this person, so I dont think they have met her before.
No such thing as discussing with me that he wants to introduce someone to them. Nope.

I just want support please. I am being mature about it. Children have heard nothing negative from me, not a negative word about their abandoning, abusive, manipulative lying father.
But I could do with a sympathetic ear that understands when I say that I really dont care what he does - but I feel so angry that he is such an arse to them.

[MN044]

That's awful and I would be fucking livid. How old are they? They sounmd very matter of fact about it all which makes me :( for them, that they know daddy was drunk and bought a woman home. Perhaps it's not the firswt time it's happened? Who is this babysitter? I'd be tempted to call him up in a very mature fashion and say you need to discuss contact urgently. I think it's reasonable to expect that when you entrust your dc into his care, you are doing just that. Not handing them over to a babysitter. Undoubtedly he'll say yabu, but those are the words of an absolute knobber. Bringing someone back into a house where his dc are sleeping is bad enough (and yes, I'd apply that even to myself, I'm a single parent and would never do that), but to not even sneak her out in the morning defies belief. To introduce her and let her paint their nails? Hell no. Let yourself cool down for a few days. Then broach it. To not bring this up with him will give him the message that it's ok. It's not, on any level. That woman could have been anyone, as could the babysitter.

[porridgeLover]

Thanks MN044.

I dont know if I should say anything. He is a total knob and if I say anything, in fact, it is probably more likely to happen.
There will be a row about my trying to control him.

But FFS. I do not want my DS to think that this is an OK way to treat women or for DDs to think it's ok to be treated like this.
No, I 'have no rights to know' any of that stuff, apparently.

[oopsadaisymaisy]

You have my sympathies. I think for your own sanity you need to ignore it if he's unlikely to listen. If its going to fall on deaf ears why bother. I would be raging too but he sounds a complete cock. Your kids have you as the good role model.

[porridgeLover]

Yes, I am inclined to ignore it, though afraid that he will misinterpret it as my blessing on his arseness behaviour and choices.

An email?
What do you think?

[LittleEdie]

Well, we don't know how he's treated this woman, the fact that she's presumably a casual partner isn't necessarily the end of the world. That she put nail varnish on your DD is actually quite sweet . It's important your DD doesn't feel in any way, even by a disapproving look that you're unhappy with that (though you sound like you know this).

He has them 3 nights a month and they're with a babysitter regularly?! That must hurt.

At least it's not 3 nights a week, and at least you're shot of him.

[LittleEdie]

I'd say no to an e mail. He's not done anything that the courts would stop access for, and I'd fear you'd just be setting yourself up for a row.

It would set my teeth on edge, if I'm honest, because I think nail varnish on little girls is common, though I wouldn't say that in RL as wouldn't want to seem snobbish. But it's not something you can do much about. Choose your battles.

[porridgeLover]

Thanks Edie. I totally agree re this woman putting on nail varnish.
If she wants to play mummy, off she goes. The position is already filled.

I have got my head round the possibility of him having new partners- fine.
He goes out- fine. He lives a lifestyle compatible with 23 year old men who are starting off in life- fine. None of my business.

My DS = totally my business. He is a not-particularly-admirable-nor-trustworthy uncle type figure rather than a father.

So the concensus is let it go? Which is what I thought.
BUT should I say something to DC (think not?) along the lines of what? What can I say....no matter what, it will spit their loyalties.........

[porridgeLover]

Grrrrrr.
The f**r.

We spent ages discussing about children before we married and agreed that they come first. And he was so sore about not having come first for his parents. Moaning about being left while they went on hols etc.

[LittleEdie]

In his defence it's very easy to think of your parents shortcomings and think 'I'll not do that'. Harder to actually do it. Personally I find myself overcompensating in some areas and probably getting things just as wrong as they did in my own way .

He's pressing your buttons, and I'm sure we can all imagine how annoying he is, but you need to detach.

[porridgeLover]

Pretty sure I am detached.
But I'm not detached from DCs needs, nor will I be.
And I am in a position where 3times a month, they are with a man who I cannot trust to mind the pets let alone the DC.

Thanks for listening. I know what the right thing to do is, it's just bloody hard.
Teeth grit time, I think.