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DH unfaithful cliche, but minded to tell him to shove it. Too hasty?

(62 Posts)
DHtotalnob Fri 01-Mar-13 23:36:26

Hi - I've trawled these threads and realise that my story is almost exactly the same as everyone else's: DH, nice bloke and all, decides to express his unhappiness with reality by boning a colleague. Totally found out and now wants to start again. I have read so much good advice and feel at least that I'm thinking clearly.

However, there's one area of advice that I just can't get my head round but want to see if I'm missing the point. The gist seems to be that you make him break contact with OW and check he has done it and even tell OW DH to make doubly sure you've scuppered the relationship, then keep him on a short leash around texting and emails etc.

This doesn't sit right with me - I want him to stop what he's doing because he wants to, to be with his family, and not because I've forced him. My thinking at the moment is that he's been irresponsible enough and if he chooses to carry on he can fuck off, frankly.

Another however - I only found out about this last weekend and I am also aware that I probably don't know what I'm feeling at the moment.

Any insight or advice very much appreciated. xx

PS: DD1 is 4, DD2 is 14 mo. DH is 39 and a massive baby.

Shellington Sun 31-Mar-13 20:37:07

Amazing update OP - you are a credit to your DC. Best wishes for a bright future x

skyebluesapphire Sun 31-Mar-13 20:29:51

well done for being so strong. you will have some tough times ahead no matter how strong you are, but you will get through it with that attitude.

wishing you all the best

and laughing at the satsuma

Roseypozy Sun 31-Mar-13 20:23:28

Yes same message from me too !!!

Roseypozy Sun 31-Mar-13 20:21:54

Hey DH
It's me Rosey, stay strong and focused , we are here right beside you , a lovely beautiful kind and caring woman like you deserve so much better darling xxxxxx

Considering your job, and your satsuma skills, STBXH really didn't appreciate you at all, did he?

You have all the qualities to be a fantastic role model for your DD. Much better than being stuck in a relationship where you're begging DH to give up the OW and continually feeling that you need to snoop on him to see if he's really being straight with you. Just think what that would teach DD.

You sound fierce. My total and utter respect for how you handled this.

muddyboots Fri 29-Mar-13 21:01:32

So glad you've come back to update.

I really don't understand why he thought he could get away with anything - you're obviously as sharp as an under-ripe satsuma!

lemonstartree Fri 29-Mar-13 19:13:54

you are really awesome.

I salute you, a woman with self respect who knows her value.

One day I hope your "husband' realizes what he lost

Creameggkr Fri 29-Mar-13 18:43:20

Well done op. I wish more women had your guts.
He's been well and truly TOLD.

ElectricSoftParade Fri 29-Mar-13 18:41:49

OP, I salute you. Keep on going petal.

MidnightMasquerader Fri 29-Mar-13 18:22:51

Without doubt, one of the most thoroughly satisfying posts I think I've ever read in the relationship board. smile

You're amazing.

LadyWidmerpool Fri 29-Mar-13 17:35:58

OP you are awesome

Siding? I meant sussing

Sorry to hear he did this to you but yes, you are genius! Well done for siding him out.
Hearing his oh no, oh no, must indeed have been v satisfying!

Fluffydeville Fri 29-Mar-13 16:44:06

I never post on these threads but just wanted to say you are f**king brill.

I would be so proud of you if you were my friend.

Next step is he totally falls apart and begs and begs to come home, and he will, to be honest, you sound like you are out of his league anyway, stick to your guns. It all just get's better from here (with some wobbly day's thrown in).

getthegirladrink Fri 29-Mar-13 13:00:50

Do you think we could petition for <eats satsuma in menacing manner> emoticon? smile

Lovingfreedom Fri 29-Mar-13 12:05:16

Like your style...I love the satsuma detail. Genius. The citrusy sweet smell of fear.

ArabellaBeaumaris Fri 29-Mar-13 11:50:58

I'm sorry that you are in this position, but bloody hell, you OWN it, don't you?! Mucho respect.

dondon33 Fri 29-Mar-13 11:27:13

What a strong inspirational woman you are - you kick ass, I'm in awe.

Your H didn't and doesn't deserve you and while I'm sad you had to find more evidence confirming what a complete lying, cheating bastard he is, I'm glad that you did.

I even managed to eat a satsuma in a menacing manner!!!!

smile smile smile
Thank you! for making me laugh (it's not easy at the moment)
Even made me nose splurt my coffee smile

I wish you and your DC the very very best for the future xx

something2say Fri 29-Mar-13 10:59:05

Yes you sound like a wonderful woman op and I feel sure you will go on to much happier times, and more peaceful xx. Your husband sounds like a man who perhaps wasn't good enough for you and you found out in the fullness of time.

ImperialBlether Fri 29-Mar-13 10:55:37

OP, you need to have a sticky post in OTBT now that you've told us: "I investigate fraud in a global company for a job."

You would be an amazing resource here.

<practises eating a satsuma in a menacing manner>

Truly you are an inspiration OP.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Fri 29-Mar-13 10:35:45

Yeah to 'eating a satsuma in a menacing manner' grin

You rock!!

Shame it took him being a total nob for you to see how awesome you are flowers

Keep on keeping on.

onefewernow Fri 29-Mar-13 10:33:50

Feel free!

I am sort of pleased that given he was still bullshitting you, you discovered so early. I have been caught on that sort of " I have changed" approach too. The earlier the better, if its going to happen.

Why on earth they assume we are stupid, I just don't know.

Branleuse Fri 29-Mar-13 10:31:22

you are inspirational.

Im sorry youve had to go through this and been betrayed, but your attitude and strength is a breath of fresh air to read x

DHtotalnob Fri 29-Mar-13 10:24:18

Thank you onefewer - I might copy your post to my phone for an instant boost in the down times. And I must admit I still laugh at the old hotel room switcheroo - cheeky sod!! You know when things are so awful, but you suddenly get a window of totally detached and objective thinking? With me it's usually something I can laugh at and a little goes a long way.

And pinkypig, I hope things are going at least in the right direction for you. I've come across a couple of recent posts from you in other threads and see you're making progress. Good for you! Although how you manage to even shower with 4 is amazing- I must admit I'm slightly less fragrant than I used to be.

So, an update......

A week later he came round to mind the children and we talked when I got back. He totally changed his tune, said he needed help to sort himself out (as in professional help) and was sobbing and sounding very much on the edge of a breakdown. He actually said some revealing things and had obviously been thinking (like he has realised he doesn't envisage the future and can't remember any emotions from the past - I'm sure that rings some psychotherapy bells). Then he said he was just going to concentrate on getting a flat and a job (did I mention he resigned just before I found out? Fully supported by muggins) and seeing DC etc. Didn't want divorce to proceed but knew I did etc etc. me still calm and I ended up giving him a hug and said to call if he feels really on the edge. OW - hadn't seen her and no intention to, although still with the 'can't think of that right now' qualifier.

So, ffwd a week and I'm just starting to agree to hold off on divorce, when suprise suprise!!!!..... I recover some deleted files and found they hooked up in the hotel the week after he left. Resolve instantly Regalvanised!!!!! Thank you very much!!

(oh, and he's so self absorbed that he probably didn't cross his mind that I investigate fraud in a global company for a job and might just know a forensic technique or two, the tit.)

Anyway, I left the file open and waited for him to get back (he has left, but was working from my home that day to do the school run). Waited out of sight. Heard a very satisfying "oh no! Oh no!" when he saw the file open (he thought I was out).

Then it all got a bit Reservoir Dogs in that I was calm as anything, he was shaking and daren't move, and I casually sat down and took my time and talked and asked him stuff and he replied to everything. I even managed to eat a satsuma in a menacing manner!!!! I was on fire, even if I say so myself.

So, he's a bigger cliché than I ever thought. He's actually made it much easier for me. He's sorted in a flat close by and he can see that he has no sustainable hold over me emotionally. And actually, it's like he's been gone for ages and that's okay.

One thing he did say is that I don't hate him as much as he hates himself. I replied something like "I'm getting there", but actually he's right, I don't. I'm still furious and all the rest of it, but I'm moving slowly slowly towards indifference, and that's why I'll be okay.

(he has taken the DCs to his mum's today (difficult to wave them off and had a little cry), and I've gone back to bed! And I'm not even tired! Woo hoo!!!!)

xxxx

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