Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
communicating with ex re our DC(40 Posts)
how do you manage communication with your ex? I am finding communicating with my ex re contact almost impossible and want some tips on how to stop her constant texts re contact (when she doesn't get her own way) intruding into my personal life. I do try to keep texts as impersonal and brief and factual as possible but she doesn't. I feel like I'm being harassed. I have a court order but am mindful of putting DCs best interests first which i do by agreeing to swap days (never reciprocated) and taking them home early when they have an event to attend (contact which is never made up). The trouble is I don't always agree to what my ex wants and when i don't she just won't let up on texting me. Any help welcomed!
I am so naieve I believe every op I read on here. I hope the op hasn't come on to get ammunition against an ex.
On the basis that the op is genuine then I think the second phone is an excellent idea.
And thinking some more, if the Ex really IS harassing in the way that the OP claims, it would have been very easy to present the evidence to the police and ask them to have a word of warning as a first line.
Court orders don't just come about because a parent can't be trusted etc etc. My ex took me to court because he wanted me to drive halfway/did not want to take DS to swimming lessons. So there is now a contact order in place which quite frankly is not worth the paper it's written on as he could not stick to it and now doesn't see DS.
I have downloaded a text back up so every text my ex has sent me has been forwarded to my email account. You need to get that but I would also go for no contact via phone and all through email.
well, if he was genuine then I hope he gets it sorted...it really is horrible when you're having to deal with someone who has little to no insight and half the time makes you feel like you're the crazy one.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Right, I now see exactly where you're coming from..and that would be a tactic my vile ex would use! I hope I never have the "pleasure" of dealing with contact through the courts - I've had quite enough with the frivolous filings in the US courts and my uncontested residence application over here...that's more than plenty for me!
Ha trustissues - I'm with you there, my ex is abroad and expects DS to be packaged up and sent to him, no possible thought as to how this might affect our child but that's by the by.
Incidentally, in my (fairly extensive) experience of the family Court over the past few years there have to be significant reasons why overnight contact isn't seen as in the best interests of the child. The presumption is generally that the child will spend equal amounts of time with both parents and it's up to the parties to demonstrate why this wouldn't be the case. That's why it's harder for some of us to accept that without overnight contact in place the whole story has been told here.
I hope that helps?
I'm with fleecy here. There are always 2 sides to every story and I think what has been most telling is the way that Op shut down the conversation and the manner in which he did so, as soon as he was questioned for further detail.
Trust - any intelligent, articulate man would be able to work out that having a second phone solely for use with regards contact issues would be a fairly simple solution. The fact that the OPs children are old enough to go to 'activities' suggests that they are older than babies/toddlers.
It is also entirely possible that the OPs Ex is a mumsnetter - it's a fairly common tactic used in situations like this - they then use the responses they get against their Ex. Unless they don't get the responses they want and then they disappear fairly rapidly from the thread.
Ok fleecy, I can see where you're coming from...there's always history...but court ordered contact can arise simply out of the parents being unable to agree...and is it really limited? I was under the impression that below a certain age that overnight stays were not the norm?
I haven't yet had the pleasure of dealing with contact yet since my ex refuses to come to the UK and just expects me to put DC on a plane without a formal agreement (and I dread the day because I expect to be railroadad have DC taken away to the states for good), and you seem very knowledgeable about this, but are you saying there really isn't a scenario where this gentleman is genuine? I mean, us giving him advice on how to deal with constant unreasonable texting if that is what is going on isn't exactly going to help him in some evil master-plan if he is an abuser is it? Perhaps I'm being naïve?
And re emails, my Ex has a caution for harrassment against me. The majority of it via email. So he is not allowed to correspond in that way. Much as it makes him froth at the mouth.
'If he were the abuser' - he is the one who has court ordered, limited contact with his children.
Courts are not generally in the habit of stopping contact with children without damn good reason for doing so. And if the Ex was shown up to be a 'liar' in court, contact would have been reinstated and case closed. There is history here. And the OP follows the script. I could write the thesis.
I hope the Ex has support to deal with this charming man.
Maybe he just doenst want to give too much away. I am involved with an ex who will do anything to make it look like I am the difficult parent and it's soul destroying, infuriating and exhausting - he could well be one of these people who is having to deal with someone bordering on a personality disorder....I do feel it's highly unfair to assume he's the opposite. If he were the abuser I would actually expect the ex to demand all communication is via email for the express use of exposing him as I do with mine..but she isn't apart form the texts though...
trustissues75, I suspect it's because hopefulthingswillchange is not actually engaging in a discussion of what might be most helpful for his DC but is only looking for answers that back up his current course of action....
Solidgold...it's good to hear the insisting on email only can be seen as a good thing....I was worried I would be seen as being unreasonable...but I'm determined to have what he ha to say documented because of his lies and crazy making. OP hang in there...
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Why are some people the thinking automatically that because he's a man he must be the one who actually doing all the controlling and making the crazy behaviour? I understand there are plenty of men out there that do that, I have one for an ex..but there are plenty of women out there who are just as vindictive and nasty too...why not give him the benefit of the doubt?
I'm sorry you're dealing with this...I have the same with my exH except that he refuses to communicate and then uses this to try to make me look like I'm preventing him from seeing his child and from knowing thing about his child or by trying to force me to return to court for even the slightest thing such as needing to change call days because DC wants to do an activity that falls on that afternoon, which he knows is completely unreasonable. When you're dealing with a control freak like this who enjoys causing you as much upset as possible there's not a lot you can do really except ignore it as much as possible and just do your best with your child's best interest's in mind.
I had the suggestion of emails instead so you don't have your phone going off left right and centre but it's already been suggested. I do hope things improve for you...maybe with some time she'll calm down?
Awww Op 'Tilts head to one side' You are obviously one of those poor, innocent blameless dads who is just trying to move on with your life and be Mr Reasonable.
'eyes fill with tears' Your Ex is obviously a vindictive psycho who has told awful lies about you which had made the nasty judge stop overnight contact with your children.
'Pats Op reassuringly' And your nasty Ex is refusing to use emails as communication - I mean - anyone would think that maybe she doesn't want you to have her email address. For some bizarre reason.
'Shakes head sadly' And it must be SO hard for you when she insists on getting her own way when your way is clearly SO much better.
That more the sort of thing you were looking for OP ?
some of you are inferring things that simply aren't there. I have no need to defend myself and won't. I do not keep going back to court. The court process involves a series of interim orders until the final hearing- which we haven't reached. We tried mediation, it failed. Thank you but really last word from me. Thanks very much for those who gave a solid practical solution for me to try.
You dont seem very willing to answer any of the questions put to you which doesnt really speak well of being good at communication and as soon as people have suggested that there may be two sides to the story you are withdrawing from the thread........
I would also be interested to hear about 'not getting her own way' constitutes? - I had a friend who's ex used to suddenly change details about returning the children once he had them and he would suggest she was trying to be controlling whereas actually it was him who was refusing to bring the children home at the previously agreed time. Or refused to contemplate taking the child to school friend's birthday parties if they fell on 'his' day - thereby not really putting the child's needs or wants above his own.
I obviously cant comment on your situation but things dont sound so great if it has got to the point where all contact is needing to be court ordered (although I am confused as to why you need to keep going back if you are already having regular contact - some people may think this suggests you are using the child/court to harrass) and for her to refuse email as texts I am sure could be used just as much as emails.
Why don't you have overnight contact with your children ?
i appreciate everyone's thoughts and comments but cannot say too much and this will be my last post on this thread. I am happy to get a second phone and will try that first. Ex's previous emails were used to expose her lies and inconsistency to the court- they were part of the reason I have any sort of contact at the moment as ex wanted me to have none . I have no wish to bad mouth my ex, simply want to get on with my life and communicate more effectively for both our sakes , and for sakes of DC. I am seeing a solicitor again though.
.. it can be frustrating can't it, when you feel you're getting a raw deal. I'm setting a caveat here that I'm the PWR and have an incredible difficult relationship with my abusive exh.
I have lots of communication problems with my exh...he doesn't like to do it. I personally feel he should be involved in discussions about our DS because otherwise, he stands in court and claims parental alienation. Having said that I'm not prepared to just accept whatever random suggestions he makes - at which point I'm blocking him from having an opinion...so I can't win either. My ex is incredibly unreasonable though and has demonstrated his lack of willingness to change time and time again in the court and by refusing to participate in mediation.
To be fair I have to keep evidence because when he does change his mind and proves inconsistent we have to back to court and time and time again and he has lied and lied and lied (his legal team actually stood down halfway through one hearing because they discovered he was lying and lying and lying...)
I'm not sure I've been very helpful to you there, but you have a long way to go in this relationship because God Willing your DC will be around for a very long life. If you could clarify what is exactly is you want from you ex and communicate it clearly you might stand a better chance of making that relationship work, because like it or not you are stuck in a relationship with the mother of your DC and it doesn't at the moment sound like you know what you want...You can't blame her for not complying with how you want to do things if you're not communicating effectively. Maybe you could be the bigger person and be responsible for actually getting this sorted. Imagine how much of a role model you could be to your DC by doing that.
Welcome Perhaps I'm being thick, but your posts make the situation extremely unclear to me. There seem to be many issues in a few short statements
how to stop her constant texts re contact (when she doesn't get her own way) intruding into my personal life?
What do you mean by "intruding into your personal life"? Is she swamping you with texts while you're engaging with a new relationship? Do you think she's trying to stop you building a new love life? It's hard to see how anyone could text constantly about DC contact but perhaps you will clarify.
I appreciate that you feel your ex harasses you by text when she doesn't get her own way over contact - and I'd appreciate an idea of what 'constantly' represents - but it's not really uncommon for divorcing parents to argue about the details of contact. Does "when she doesn't get her own way" mean "when I don't get my own way"? That would, I'm afraid, be perfectly normal. How unreasonable is she being? What are your negotiation skills like; which of you is unwilling to compromise?
I am most confused by your statements about emails being used as evidence! Who exactly is scared of emails being used as evidence, and of what?? Please can you clarify?
I'm sorry there are so many questions here. You seem to be saying remarkably little in a very biased fashion ... I realise this happens when people are feeling threatened as well as when they're trying to avoid being straight, so hope you'll be able to explain a bit more. Hope your weekend's turning out okay.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.