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communicating with ex re our DC

(40 Posts)
hopefulthingswillchange Fri 01-Mar-13 21:55:00

how do you manage communication with your ex? I am finding communicating with my ex re contact almost impossible and want some tips on how to stop her constant texts re contact (when she doesn't get her own way) intruding into my personal life. I do try to keep texts as impersonal and brief and factual as possible but she doesn't. I feel like I'm being harassed. I have a court order but am mindful of putting DCs best interests first which i do by agreeing to swap days (never reciprocated) and taking them home early when they have an event to attend (contact which is never made up). The trouble is I don't always agree to what my ex wants and when i don't she just won't let up on texting me. Any help welcomed!

trustissues75 Sun 03-Mar-13 18:22:37

Solidgold...it's good to hear the insisting on email only can be seen as a good thing....I was worried I would be seen as being unreasonable...but I'm determined to have what he ha to say documented because of his lies and crazy making. OP hang in there...

trustissues75, I suspect it's because hopefulthingswillchange is not actually engaging in a discussion of what might be most helpful for his DC but is only looking for answers that back up his current course of action....

trustissues75 Sun 03-Mar-13 18:58:19

Maybe he just doenst want to give too much away. I am involved with an ex who will do anything to make it look like I am the difficult parent and it's soul destroying, infuriating and exhausting - he could well be one of these people who is having to deal with someone bordering on a personality disorder....I do feel it's highly unfair to assume he's the opposite. If he were the abuser I would actually expect the ex to demand all communication is via email for the express use of exposing him as I do with mine..but she isn't apart form the texts though...

Fleecyslippers Sun 03-Mar-13 18:59:48

Courts are not generally in the habit of stopping contact with children without damn good reason for doing so. And if the Ex was shown up to be a 'liar' in court, contact would have been reinstated and case closed. There is history here. And the OP follows the script. I could write the thesis.
I hope the Ex has support to deal with this charming man.

Fleecyslippers Sun 03-Mar-13 19:02:17

And re emails, my Ex has a caution for harrassment against me. The majority of it via email. So he is not allowed to correspond in that way. Much as it makes him froth at the mouth.

'If he were the abuser' - he is the one who has court ordered, limited contact with his children.

trustissues75 Sun 03-Mar-13 19:09:27

Ok fleecy, I can see where you're coming from...there's always history...but court ordered contact can arise simply out of the parents being unable to agree...and is it really limited? I was under the impression that below a certain age that overnight stays were not the norm?

I haven't yet had the pleasure of dealing with contact yet since my ex refuses to come to the UK and just expects me to put DC on a plane without a formal agreement (and I dread the day because I expect to be railroadad have DC taken away to the states for good), and you seem very knowledgeable about this, but are you saying there really isn't a scenario where this gentleman is genuine? I mean, us giving him advice on how to deal with constant unreasonable texting if that is what is going on isn't exactly going to help him in some evil master-plan if he is an abuser is it? Perhaps I'm being naïve?

Fleecyslippers Sun 03-Mar-13 19:26:42

Trust - any intelligent, articulate man would be able to work out that having a second phone solely for use with regards contact issues would be a fairly simple solution. The fact that the OPs children are old enough to go to 'activities' suggests that they are older than babies/toddlers.
It is also entirely possible that the OPs Ex is a mumsnetter - it's a fairly common tactic used in situations like this - they then use the responses they get against their Ex. Unless they don't get the responses they want and then they disappear fairly rapidly from the thread.

cluelesscleaner Sun 03-Mar-13 19:27:57

I'm with fleecy here. There are always 2 sides to every story and I think what has been most telling is the way that Op shut down the conversation and the manner in which he did so, as soon as he was questioned for further detail.

Ha trustissues - I'm with you there, my ex is abroad and expects DS to be packaged up and sent to him, no possible thought as to how this might affect our child but that's by the by.

Incidentally, in my (fairly extensive) experience of the family Court over the past few years there have to be significant reasons why overnight contact isn't seen as in the best interests of the child. The presumption is generally that the child will spend equal amounts of time with both parents and it's up to the parties to demonstrate why this wouldn't be the case. That's why it's harder for some of us to accept that without overnight contact in place the whole story has been told here.

I hope that helps?

trustissues75 Sun 03-Mar-13 19:39:49

Right, I now see exactly where you're coming from..and that would be a tactic my vile ex would use! I hope I never have the "pleasure" of dealing with contact through the courts - I've had quite enough with the frivolous filings in the US courts and my uncontested residence application over here...that's more than plenty for me!

TisILeclerc Sun 03-Mar-13 19:48:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

trustissues75 Sun 03-Mar-13 19:55:02

well, if he was genuine then I hope he gets it sorted...it really is horrible when you're having to deal with someone who has little to no insight and half the time makes you feel like you're the crazy one.

iwantanafternoonnap Sun 03-Mar-13 19:56:24

Court orders don't just come about because a parent can't be trusted etc etc. My ex took me to court because he wanted me to drive halfway/did not want to take DS to swimming lessons. So there is now a contact order in place which quite frankly is not worth the paper it's written on as he could not stick to it and now doesn't see DS.

I have downloaded a text back up so every text my ex has sent me has been forwarded to my email account. You need to get that but I would also go for no contact via phone and all through email.

Fleecyslippers Sun 03-Mar-13 20:00:59

And thinking some more, if the Ex really IS harassing in the way that the OP claims, it would have been very easy to present the evidence to the police and ask them to have a word of warning as a first line.

NippyDrips Sun 03-Mar-13 20:14:46

I am so naieve I believe every op I read on here. I hope the op hasn't come on to get ammunition against an ex.

On the basis that the op is genuine then I think the second phone is an excellent idea.

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