Through therapy to address my extreme anxiety issues and after a massive amount of denial, I have started to accept that my childhood was very abusive.
I had believed I was 'mentally ill' due to some adverse events in my adult life but I can see now that I have found it difficult to cope due to being emotionally, physically and sexually abused when I was a child although tbh I can see that even if I had not been, anyone would have found it hard to deal with what I have been through and I am in fact pretty, bloody strong!
I have intense rage towards both my mother (the main instigator of the emotional and physical abuse) and my father for abandoning me at the age of 7 and for being an alcoholic and violent to my mother which I witnessed on many occasions - I must have been bloody terrified as a little girl .
I now have email contact with my father after 32 years of nothing at all and he has been sending me emails about his stepdaughters wedding, his job and the horses he breeds. I want to scream at him that I don't give a shit, I want to talk about why he fucked up my childhood but he 'has closed that book', was never violent and it was all my mother's fault .
I 'confronted' my mother and stepfather a few years ago about how I was treated differently to everyone else and how I have carried shame, guilt, self disgust and hatred ever since due to that. I am sure I reminded my mother of my father as she often said I was like him and looked at her like he did. The emotional abuse was pretty extreme and I was looked upon as the 'family nutter' by siblings, extended family and my mother's friends. Only my stepfather's mum saw it for what it was and used to have me stay on occasion and spoil me but could'nt do much else.
Of course after the confrontation, I was told that it was utter rubbish, I was difficult etc and my siblings agreed with that and cut me off completely. I maintained a relationship with my mother (she said 'sorry but I did the best I could') as I did not want to completely lose my family and I think I still did not believe if fully at that point, poor deluded fool that I was! Other toxic stuff has happened with her since then and I don't know how to continue with her as I just want to explode at her and it feels like I am carrying an open wound around inside of me.
I really want them both out of my life completely but my siblings cutting me off has really hurt and my mother is the only link to them. They will never accept that my mother treated me so badly because then they would have to accept what a nasty, abusive witch she has been (she has mellowed now) and I know she has told them that I'm unstable which I most certainly am not. My therapist has said that I'm going sane NOT mad which is a comfort!
I have no idea how to progress. I am spending every waking moment thinking about this atm, as well as working and bringing up 4 DC and it is exhausting. Anyone been through similar?
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Relationships with my parents after realising I was abused as a child - how to move on?
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ScaredyKnickers · 01/03/2013 20:37
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