Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

OH of 8 years has 2 kids he didn't tell me about. Gutted.

(242 Posts)
Superloopy7 Fri 01-Mar-13 15:54:15

I found out from my OH's mother on Weds that he fathered twin boys 25 years ago when he was a teenager. I knew absolutely nothing about them until I walked into his Mum's house a few weeks ago to hear two strangers calling her Nan. I asked my OH about them and he said they were an ex girlfriend's kids. I asked him again a few days later outright if they were his -they look like his Dad - and again he denied it.

His mum eventually told me because she thought I had a right to know. One of the boys has just become a dad, making my OH a grandad and my 4 yr old and 1yr old aunties. I've been with OH 8 years and no-one, not even him, the father of my two girls thought to tell me till now.

I'm a reasonable, patient understanding person who can forgive mistakes but I can't forgive being lied to and even conned.

I don't know what to think or do for the best. We've been on rocky ground for the past 18months due to his lack of responsibility and preferring to smoke in his den rather than spend time with us. I feel this deceit is the final straw. I feel like I've been catapulted into someone else's life.

How would you feel?

VelvetSpoon Fri 01-Mar-13 22:45:48

So sorry OP.

Something not dissimilar happened to a friend of mine, although at a very much earlier stage of her relationship. She was with someone for about a year, not that long but they were both very much looking long term, they were practically (if not formally) living together and talking about getting married, when out of the blue she found out he was still legally married to someone else - albeit separated, and in the process of divorcing - and had 2 children under 8 who he had no contact with.

She saw him and his family on a daily basis for months, considered his parents and siblings as friends, and they'd all colluded together to keep the lie from her. I think his reasoning was the Ex was a bitch, wouldn't let him see the kids, and that telling my friend about it initially would have put her off him, and then when he knew she was serious about him, the lie was too big.

She never could see him or his family in the same way after it came out, they split up very soon after.

VelvetSpoon Fri 01-Mar-13 22:47:33

I should add, it was obviously a much simpler decision for my friend, as there were no children of the relationship to consider.

ReturnOfEmeraldGreen Sat 02-Mar-13 00:57:47

Smoking in his den - do you mean cannabis, OP? If so, then undeclared children, plus ignoring parking tickets, plus drugs is not painting a very desirable picture of the man. Sorry.

Dozer Sat 02-Mar-13 08:45:28

How awful for you.

Even if the relationship was generally really good it would not be at all unreasonable to walk away due to the revelation. It was wrong and selfish of him to lie to you for all this time, and also raises questions about him as a parent. The other problems you've mentioned don't go in his favour.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sat 02-Mar-13 08:52:10

I think you need to let him see and feel the full extent of your anger. He has lied on epic proportions. I am pretty raging and I don't know you or your children!

You have to think how he may have treated the mother of the older children if that is how he has treated you and your DDs. So do not wholeheartedly swallow the line about their mother being unpleasant towards him. You have to judge him on his own actions which are shocking.

I would kick him out for some thinking space. Tell the children he is away with a friend for a week and then your feelings can clarify without you constantly trying t 'keep the peace'.

RivalSibling Sat 02-Mar-13 09:54:24

Those poor boys.

Earlybird Sat 02-Mar-13 15:22:58

I'd not be able to trust him again. And I'd be furious and hurt. Who knows what else he has decided not to tell you? It was information he withheld, but he lied outright when asked directly. It speaks volumes that it was finally his Mum who told you.

I'm so sorry. I don't know how you could get past this.

HollyBerryBush Sat 02-Mar-13 15:56:48

Is there a question over the paternity of the twin boys? Does your partner accept theyare his? It could be that his mother wanted grand children so badly that she accepted them as her own flesh and blood.

Has your partner now admitted that they are his/or accepted they might be his? or is he in total denial?

Chesntoots Sat 02-Mar-13 20:35:39

My ex had twin boys he had nothing to do with. Didn't even want to know their names. They were not "allowed" to family do's. His mum was in touch with them but for some reason decided that the best thing to do would be to go along with whatever my ex wanted.
The sad thing is that he went on to have a daughter with his then wife (the boys were in their late teens by then) and he even insisted that his daughter was not to know anything about them. While married his wife wanted their daughter to have a relationship with them and later (after his divorce when we got together) I said it wasn't fair on his daughter. He was having none of it. Selfish, selfish twat...

Hesterton Sat 02-Mar-13 21:11:28

How incredibly sad for the boys that their father treats them like a shameful secret. And how wrong of him to lie to you about it all.

Superloopy7 Sat 02-Mar-13 22:50:29

Talked to him last night. He said the boys mother made it impossible for him to have a relationship with them. He was cut out by her moving house continuously then moving 200 miles away. When they moved back to their hometown a few years before he met me, my OH met them to say if they needed anything he was there for them but they didn't want anything to do with him. They called someone else Dad now.

OH said he thought he'd told me?! But that he didn't want to raise it again in case it upset the best thing that ever happened to him - our relationship.

Yes he smokes cannabis every day and I've tried to make him realise this the kind of Dad I want for my DDs. He is adored by my eldest girl and I'm petrified by what a split would do to her particularly.

When we first got together people said they thought he wasn't right for me - a man from the wrong side of the tracks -but I knew he loved me and I wanted to give us a chance. I feel so let down.

Doha Sat 02-Mar-13 23:05:15

And you believe that story,!!!!!!!!
come on Superloopy7 don't be fooled by him.
IF he had really really wanted to keep in touch with his boys he would have found a way.

duchesse Sat 02-Mar-13 23:13:44

Riiiight. So, his mother manages to keep in close contact with her grand children but he couldn't. hmm

Flojobunny Sat 02-Mar-13 23:14:35

OP you should speak to the boys and get their side. I very much expect they have a good reason for not wanting anything from him.
Never mn

It doesn't add up. If he'd been unable to maintain a relationship with the boys, then his mother wouldn't have one with them either. If they refused to acknowledge their father when they moved back, why would they accept their paternal grandmother?

And there's absolutely no way that he could have thought he'd told you. For one thing, everyone else wouldn't have been keeping a big family secret from you if he'd already told you. And, more importantly, it's not like he forgot to tell you that you were out of milk when you left for the shops; there is no way you could have thought you told someone that actually you have two children already. It's not like you'd simply have nodded and said, 'That's nice dear'.

He just doesn't want to admit that he abandoned those boys.

Flojobunny Sat 02-Mar-13 23:15:46

Never mind what 'it' will do to DD1. What about what he has done to DD1.

Superloopy7 Sat 02-Mar-13 23:41:35

It really is the worst. We've been carrying on as normal today albeit strained and with him falling over himself to do the washing, make tea, do a bit of shopping. Having said that, he's been outside smoking for the last hour and a half, so he's not trying too hard to convince me he's repentant.

I think I'm still in shock and a bit in denial and only really dealing with it when I get a surge of anger. I think I need that anger to act. I think he thinks it'll all eventually blow over. When I asked him what did he think would happen now he just mumbled that he's not in any position to call the shots.

Feelingpissedoff Sun 03-Mar-13 06:46:27

Please don't let this get swept under the carpet. I believed my husband,wish I hadn't when I'd had my biggest chance to get shot.
I think his story is a crock of shit I'm afraid. If his mum manages a relationship then he could have had one too.

Lueji Sun 03-Mar-13 07:29:36

In ex's family there was a case where the mother of the children wanted nothing to do with her ex (exBIL), but she would allow the grandparents (exPIL) and me to visit, although it was a bit strained.

So, that part is somewhat plausible.

Still, not good news for you.

Such actions suggest he was really bad. Unfaithful, violent or did something to really hurt her. If not simply not caring, which is quite bad in itself.

You are disappointed now, but he's not really the man you want him to be.

HollyBerryBush Sun 03-Mar-13 07:31:38

I think you need to ask his mother what happened. Then contrive a visit when the boys are there and ask them. Somewhere in the middle will be the truth.

Complicated scenarios, will always have very differing perspectives on here. you see it all the time with cries of "LTB and move very far away/dont put his name on the birth certificate", so when it does happen, especially back in the days of no mobiles and very little internet usage, it would be difficult to track down someone.

FWIW, my cousin and his GF split on very bad terms (no idea why) but his mother always kept in touch with the girl, to see her grandchild. Some people do ahve the ability to not be jaundiced by their own childs actions, ditto for the girl to allow nanny to see the baby and have a relationship.

I'd also point out if this were reversed and a 60yo woman was posting in a trauma that a baby she put up for adoption was trying to come back into her life - a secret she had kept for 40 years - I wonder what all your advice would be?

but my opinion? not that it's anymore valid than anyone elses - and there really just isn't enough factual information to make an informed opinion about the relationship between your partner/his mother/the twins - he smokes cannabis every day - he'd have been out the door the first time he lit up. I wouldn't have that filth in my hosue round my children.

exoticfruits Sun 03-Mar-13 07:45:00

I would find it unforgivable. Apart from not telling you, he has been a very poor father and stopped the half siblings from having a relationship. I wouldn't want to have children with someone who wasn't involved with ones he already had.
I agree with HollyBerryBush- the cannabis alone would be a deal breaker- I wouldn't even live with a normal smoker.

zippey Sun 03-Mar-13 07:58:55

Is the whole cannabis thing not flagging up warnings as well? Is that a good environment for your children to be around?

CleopatrasAsp Sun 03-Mar-13 08:09:17

Purely based on the fact that he treated his twin sons so badly I would boot him out, but then I really despise men who dump their children.

I'm sorry you've had to deal with this OP, it must have been such a shock for you.

SpecialAgentKat Sun 03-Mar-13 08:39:16

I only read your OP but I am speechless.

How would I feel? Well I'd instantly wonder if my H was a bigamist and there was some other poor sod who didn't think my DC deserved to be part of their sibling's lives. I'd also seriously question his dedication to raising your children, I'd wonder what else he'd lied about, I'd want to cry and laugh and scream and punch walls and scrub and try to go numb inside.

Because I couldn't live with knowing my loving, sweet, devoted DH who does so much for our DTs could happily ignore other children for twenty five years. Him saying he was worried how I'd feel would make it even worse IMO. At the time a potential relationship means more than these kids? What about their mum? Did he do anything to help her?

Also, even if I found a way to forgive him (doubtful) I'd never, ever forgive any of my inlaws. Ever.

comingintomyown Sun 03-Mar-13 08:53:58

The thing is whatever the circumstances surrounding his boys growing up were why didnt he tell you about them ?

I think if he had of tried to be in their lives but wasnt allowed then he would have been far more likely to have told you about it . I am afraid I think it more likely he didnt and now realises how badly that reflects on him so he kept quiet.

Either way its unforgivable to have kept this secret and says a great deal about him.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now