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OH of 8 years has 2 kids he didn't tell me about. Gutted.

(242 Posts)
Superloopy7 Fri 01-Mar-13 15:54:15

I found out from my OH's mother on Weds that he fathered twin boys 25 years ago when he was a teenager. I knew absolutely nothing about them until I walked into his Mum's house a few weeks ago to hear two strangers calling her Nan. I asked my OH about them and he said they were an ex girlfriend's kids. I asked him again a few days later outright if they were his -they look like his Dad - and again he denied it.

His mum eventually told me because she thought I had a right to know. One of the boys has just become a dad, making my OH a grandad and my 4 yr old and 1yr old aunties. I've been with OH 8 years and no-one, not even him, the father of my two girls thought to tell me till now.

I'm a reasonable, patient understanding person who can forgive mistakes but I can't forgive being lied to and even conned.

I don't know what to think or do for the best. We've been on rocky ground for the past 18months due to his lack of responsibility and preferring to smoke in his den rather than spend time with us. I feel this deceit is the final straw. I feel like I've been catapulted into someone else's life.

How would you feel?

TheSeniorWrangler Fri 01-Mar-13 15:56:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ISeeSmallPeople Fri 01-Mar-13 15:57:21

Wow.

So they all lied to you?

PedlarsSpanner Fri 01-Mar-13 15:58:49

oh my goodness

all of them have lied to you

I would be terribly upset sad

AnAirOfHope Fri 01-Mar-13 16:02:23

shock

Why did they not tell you?

Has he paid maintance for them?

What about birthdays or weddings?

No photos of them at all?

I would leave thats one of a big fucking thing to hide.

Blu Fri 01-Mar-13 16:03:50

And all this time, the boys were in contact with their Nan?
Do they know that they have 2 half sisters?

How would I feel?

I would feel utterly betrayed. By the deceit, by the lack of trust implied in not telling me, by my children having been lied to and denied knowledge of family, by living in false circumstances, and even, though this is not very noble of me, in feeling that I never signed up to my children's inheritance being shared. I would also feel contempt for a man who hid the existence of his children, and denied them a relationship with extended family.

If I had known from the outset I would have wanted to be supportive and to get to know them as appropriate and for it to be a positive thing.

What I might do from now on would depend on the explanation I got for all this. It would have to be extremely bloody convincing.

Superloopy7 Fri 01-Mar-13 16:04:48

OH says he was scared it might put me off him. I told him that would have been my decision to make, but he should know that I am not a judgemental person.

I feel like all trust is gone because he's lied to me - which he has done before over money, speeding tickets and silly things, and I told him then I won't stand being lied to.

Willow36 Fri 01-Mar-13 16:05:40

Gosh, I'd be distraught, I think. You poor thing. I have no words of advice but one massive hug for you.

Ginebra Fri 01-Mar-13 16:08:25

Those are two big secrets! how weird that he would do that, that it would never come out in 8 years. Plenty of 'right moments' for any 'this is a long story but.....' And then, when you came face to face with his sons that he would attempt to continue the 'cover up'. shock NO wonder you feel betrayed.

I would be furious, op. And hurt. Oh yes, and appalled. When you asked him if they were his sons he denied it? Nice.

God, you must be in shock. So sorry, op.

Hassled Fri 01-Mar-13 16:09:12

Quite aside from the lying (and I'm with you there on the enormity of that), there's the fact he must be a truly shit father to those boys. Keeping it secret for 8 years implies he's seen very little of them, or done very little in the way of maintenance. 8 years ago they were what, 17? They would have needed a supportive, involved father.

Ginebra Fri 01-Mar-13 16:10:36

The 'scared it would put you off' excuse is a bit slim, as when you met him the boys were already 17. That is not something that would put me off a man anyway, having almost adult sons.

Unless, are you nearer to his sons' age? is he afraid you will prefer them confused

Well, he has certainly put you off him by keeping such an enormous and important thing a secret for 8 years and then lying about it.

Superloopy7 Fri 01-Mar-13 16:10:47

Blu - you're right about how this impacts on my girls. Their Nan told me that my OH doesn't want them to be told they're their brothers. They've met my girls and apparently adore them. Contempt is exactly how I'm feeling.

I don't know the back story yet - why his Mum has stayed in touch but he hasn't. His Mum hinted that he'd been treated really badly by the boys' mother

He has denied his children. Twice. He has lied and deceived you, and so has his mum. They have neither backbone nor morals.

I would not leave a man for having children, but for pretending they did not exist, and lie about them would for sure be a dealbreaker.

Ginebra Fri 01-Mar-13 16:15:58

Oh He's a Compartmentaliser.

Anyfucker has a great list of fuckwitery to watch out for. Blame is one of the things. However my x fil was a master, and absolute master of Compartmentalisation. It sounds bonkers. But he had control over every relationship in the family and they all flowed through him, like he was the server. He had had a child from a previous relationship too. Anybody who went 'over his head' and contacted the older half-sibling, or his sister, or their cousins, without going through him first was punished by being excluded from the next meal out, or no cheque on their birthday.

Superloopy7 Fri 01-Mar-13 16:16:30

Yep. Feel like I'm living with a stranger tbh. Since Weds in trying to keep things normal for my DDs I think he thinks I'll just deal and move on. I'm really not sure I can though.

snowshapes Fri 01-Mar-13 16:17:39

Oh, this happened to me too in a slightly different way - XH#1 omitted to tell me that DD had a half-sister, because - oh who knows? He thought it would ruin his relationship with DD hmm. I did insist that they all met, but we were already separated by then, so it wasn't a bombshell to our marriage or anything like that. I am sorry you find yourself in this position.

FWIW, I don't think being treated badly by the boy's mother (if that is true) is a reason not to see your children or stay in touch.

TheSeniorWrangler Fri 01-Mar-13 16:19:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Fri 01-Mar-13 16:20:15

This would absolutely be a deal breaker for me Superloopy7

How can you ever trust him again when he's hidden this enormous part of his life from you? He is not treating your relationship as a partnership.

What if he treated your children the same way as he has treated his boys?

Not sure many relationships can survive the implications of keeping a secret like this.

burleyburley Fri 01-Mar-13 16:26:27

He has a den?

probablyparanoid Fri 01-Mar-13 16:26:39

By his own admission the reason that he hid this from you was to get what he wanted - you.

His actions meant that you did not have the full picture before going into the relationship with you or staying in it - you were deprived of the right to make your own decisions based on all the facts. That is a way of controlling you - it is a passive form of abuse in my view.

He is not fully acknowledging his children by this relationship - by doing that he is not taking responsibility for their existence and his actions in bringing them into existence. It is the action of a man who cannot take on basic adult responsibilities.

Is he otherwise a responsible person? You suggest that he is not.
He may have other skeleton's in the closet so dig around a bit.

Did you know of the meeting with the boys? - to do that without your knowledge is awful - it is not acting in partnership with you in relation to your own children - I would be furious.

I would think very carefully about whether to stay with him. Is he really likely to change - even if he is remorseful right now?

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I would ask him to leave for a bit just so that you can collect your thoughts and get some distance from him

Blu Fri 01-Mar-13 16:27:34

So your girls have met these boys but you were not told about them? And they are supposed to maintain a lie to your dds?

Does he see the boys, or is it just his mother who is in contact?

This is just curiosity, really, but every new layer of lie would make me ever angrier. Especially lying to the children, or building up lies for them to discover in the future, and as for expecting those poor young men to pretend they are not relatives - how must THAT have made them feel??

cjel Fri 01-Mar-13 16:32:29

I feel very sorry for you and even wonder what the twins feel of being a hidden secret from step mum and DSs. I would want more answers and open family.

Mollydoggerson Fri 01-Mar-13 16:33:58

The level of deceit is outstanding, coupled with his lack of respect for everyone. I wouldn't be able to sleep with him again.

It would be game over for me.

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