I am being a coward aren't I ?

[silverstaresatnight]

On Tuesday morning I was a bit cross with my eldest ds as he had cooked in the night time and left a lot of dishes by the sink.
I told him to come and wash up and not to cook again overnight.
I asked dh whether he had seen ds starting to cook after me telling him not to the night before as I was going to bed... He had been talking about it and dh had been joking about it.
As I asked dh, he just immediately got very angry and started bellowing at me in the kitchen " I don't know go and ask him, stop nagging me about it you bloody woman it's got nothing to do with me etc" and when I said I was just asking what had happened he went ballistic shouting really loudly to stop nagging and going on that he didn't know and didn't care and to just bloody well shut up for gods sake."
It was very very loud, in front of my younger ds aged 11 .
I was flustered and slightly late for work (10 mins but sent text ) sad and upset that I was treated like this for no apparent reason.
I feel he really over stepped the mark and he made it look as if I were being unresonable but I don't think I was being at all.
He has had moments like this before and then it all settles down.
When I got home from work I could not bring myself to eat with him or speak to him.
Since then he has been conciliatory and I wanted to tell him he has 24 hrs to apologise to me and to ds and accept he was wrong to do this, simply because he could get away with it.
But to my shame I haven't had the courage to say those words and at first I was upset for 24 hrs but yesterday and today he has been nice and I don't really know what to do about it now.
I am letting myself down allowing this to happen. At the same time I think I am a little scared of a repeat performance, I was a little scared of him at the time.
Of course I want things to be normal but I think I should address it but am too wary of him and his response.
What shall I do next?

[silverstaresatnight]

In the evening when I got in he said "Have you calmed down now ?" and I said I had been calm and I didnot understand why he got so angry and he started up again shouting " don't keep going on about it again stop nagging".

[silverstaresatnight]

.

[skiesmylimit]

Hi silver, I think you should request this to be moved to relationships. I think you would get more help in there.

Sorry I can't give you much help my relationships not much better

Hope your ok op x

[silverstaresatnight]

Ok thx will do

[silverstaresatnight]

Bump

[PurplePidjin]

He says "Have you calmed down yet?" you reply "Have you apologised yet?"

It is not acceptable for him to speak to you like that. Hopefully, making it clear once should be enough...

[Skang]

Maybe write down everything you want to say to him? So he can't accuse you of not beig calm.

[silverstaresatnight]

I know he was out of order to over react so much . My thing is, do I ask him to apologise now or just leave it. To me it seemed to happen out of nowhere so could happen again anytime.

[PurplePidjin]

Nip it in the bud so next timehetreats you with respect!

[silverstaresatnight]

I don't get it , if he knows he reacted badly then he should apologise. If he feels bad about it fair enough but if he acts like that to keep me in my place then I am in trouble.
It's so difficult to have these conversations ..as soon as I raise anything he gets angry again and tells me to stop going on about it.

[PurplePidjin]

He's probably more relaxed with you generally, so doesn't keep control like he would with his boss or a mate. Remind him you're worthy of him keeping a civil tongue in his head. If he gets stroppy, you know there's a bigger problem!

[silverstaresatnight]

Thanks, good advice there . I suppose we do behave differently at home. I know I occasionally shout at the dc if they are arguing back but I certainly don't shout at work!

[Pandemoniaa]

I don't think it was reasonable of him to shout and carry on as you describe but then equally, I don't think it helps any situation if you respond by not speaking or looking at the perpetrator. Better, if possible, to say upfront "I'm not prepared to be shouted at like this. It is upsetting and unnecessary and I'd like you to apologise". That way there's a chance you can sort things out before they get worse and certainly, your dh would not be able to take refuge in "stop going on at me" excuses.

[silverstaresatnight]

Sorry misunderstanding in my OP, I found it difficult to look at him in the evening.I did not want a repeat performance in the evening after work in front of ds.

I had made it very clear he was out of order in the morning . The heated discussion was at 8 am. Any reference to it gets him irate all over again and I don't know whether to drop it. He makes it my fault for nagging.

[silverstaresatnight]

I have not asked for an apology so now feel its a bit late, it has blown over/ been brushed under the carpet.

[silverstaresatnight]

I did say that Pand, in the morning, he just yelled stop asking me ridiculous questions then and shut uo you bloody woman.

[silverstaresatnight]

Oh it's in rellies, thanks.
Going to work soon will peep on in morning.

[Hassled]

It's not too late to ask for an apology - it's on your mind enough for you to post, so it's clearly not going to just go away. And his behaviour is unacceptable, and a terrible example for your boys. You need to call him on it - although it does worry me that you said you felt scared. Aside from the shouting, are you happy with him?

[LemonPeculiarJones]

Yes you must bring it up - you are entitled to be truthful about your feelings and expect respect.

Stay very calm and let him know he went over the top and was aggressive. Say he seemed out of control and you felt slightly scared - and that you need an apology and an acknowledgement that you shouldn't be treated like that.

If he says you're nagging maybe say, "I know you perceive this as nagging but in fact I am calmly talking to you about something important to me"

Good luck.

[foolonthehill]

If you let it go then you are colluding with him, making it all OK when it is not.
Your DH needs to know that this is not acceptable, your DS needs to know that this is not acceptable and you need to be able to have a discussion without being afraid that your DH will react like a twat.

Your DH needs to apologise to you and to acknowledge that you deserve respect within a discussion...even if he is disagreeing with you.

Perhaps even more importantly your DH needs to tell your DS that this is unacceptable and wrong and disrespectful and apologise that he heard DH treat you in this way.

If he can't/won't do this then he is very disrespectful of you: this "stop nagging me about it you bloody woman" displays an angry man dismissing his wife's legitimate concern and he also failed to support you in your parenting.

perhaps strive not so much to be "normal", but to be excellent examples of mutual respect and parenting.......

[silverstaresatnight]

Yes that's how I feel really.
By making a huge fuss he basically gets his own way and controls things, not least by making me back down for fear of more upset in front of ds.
It would be a real test of his character to see if he can apologise to ds, I don't think he can do it.

[foolonthehill]

then that tells you a great deal about the internal workings of his mind: the importance of the people around him and the respect (or otherwise) that he has for you and your DC.

It is a great shame that the man you have committed yourself to has not yet learnt how to love cherish and honour you.