Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

feeling really low, just need to type this out

(18 Posts)
grumpywompy Thu 28-Feb-13 22:16:08

am feeling really crap,

bit of back story. Have 2 dc (dd3.5 and ds18m) dh is always busy and under pressure at work. I work part time. I had issues with depression after ds.

After months of arguing and me being awful and moody i saw my gp n got some tabelts. I have been a million times better since then. Dh has commented on how much more 'stable' i am and am much less moody since i started the tablets 6 months ago.

I do have quite a low self-esteem and am currently 2 maybe 3 stone overweight.

Since ds i think i can probably count on one hand the amount of times me and dh have slept together. This has been discussed time and time again (mostly by me bringing it up as i feel unloved and unattractive). Dh says hes tired and the kids get in the way. I agree with this but id like just a cuddle every now and again. Nothing else has to happen. Just a quick kiss or a cuddle or something to show im ok and he likes me..

am i being dramatic?

Tried to talk to dh about it tonight. How i dont think its normal that we havent been initmate in any way for months and months. Hes gone to bed in a huff says im always going on about it..

please can someone i wrong? I just want to feel special and attractive

im 29, dh is 41

sad im sat here crying out of anger that hes walked off and gone to bed..

Dozer Thu 28-Feb-13 22:36:50

Am sorry you're having such a bad time brew.

ErikNorseman Thu 28-Feb-13 22:46:38

You aren't wrong, I'm sorry you feel down sad

hmm Sorry - that sounds horrid for you, you seem as if you've come a long way since after DS, depression is a long road.
Could DH be depressed? Would he feel 'under pressure' to perform iyswim?
Maybe leave him a note or once you are less upset, tell him that it isn't possible to continue in this way and you want to book a specific time to discuss it with him-not just before bed when you're both shattered and worried you're going to have to superbonk your way around the bedroom.
This is fixable but he needs to talk to you. Take care x

Dozer Thu 28-Feb-13 22:52:55

How is he towards you more generally?

Hope you are able to get some sleep soon. There is good support in the relationships section.

grumpywompy Fri 01-Mar-13 17:13:43

Dozer, hes lovely to me generally. I think i just wish i was attractive to him. I feel like just a mother

Fanjo...yes i think he does feel under pressure. Hes always stressed with work. How can i make him relax and just realise i dont want a full on ses blush i just want to feel attractive. So a little kiss in secret in the kithen or a lil cuddle when he passes me.

I call him darling or sweetheart when i refer/talk to not grumpy all the time n bloody hard work. I would like a lil bit of attention n kind lovingness back

hmm not sure if im making sense tbh

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 01-Mar-13 17:17:41

How long have things been bad? when was the last time you were happy and things were good between you both?

grumpywompy Fri 01-Mar-13 17:31:36

generally things arent bad..we dont particually argue and we get along ok. Its just the closeness thats not there

its been since ds i think...shit i cant actually remember

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 01-Mar-13 17:35:24

Do you feel that he is withdrawing from you and from family life?

Does he spend a lot of time on his phone and laptop/pc?

grumpywompy Fri 01-Mar-13 18:02:48

family life no. he totally worships our dc. it's me really. he's polite n friendly towards me but abs no sex or playing around or touching me blush

I feel like an ugly bitch. I do my hair everyday and make up. I do try

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 01-Mar-13 18:13:00

You need to talk to him again about the lack of affection? The defensiveness worries me a bit and I wonder if he is getting his sexual kicks elsewhere e.g porn or worse sad

allaflutter Fri 01-Mar-13 18:27:26

how long have you known him before getting married? It kind of sounds like he reached the age when he really wanted a family and picked a yonger woman to provide that, but once the dc were there stopped bothering with sex/affection. I'm not saying it's definitely this, but it could be. Are you absolutely sure he's not bisexual or gay?

PaddingtonBearsDuffleCoat Fri 01-Mar-13 19:59:39

I notice you mentioned that your DH is stressed at work and one of the symptoms of work-related stress is diminished/absence of sex drive. If this is the case then it is not personal. A lot of men get this especially at your DH's age but would not admit to it or may not even recognise it as an illness. Do you think this could be the problem? I understand how it makes you feel unattractive but pushing him may not be the answer and may make matters worse. Would it do any good to ask him to see a doctor?

Lucyellensmum95 Fri 01-Mar-13 20:05:47

I have to say that having been going through a horrible stressful time at work just now, the LAST thing i feel like is sex and if i think about it, im probably not being very affectionate just now either.

Instead of making it an issue - think about what you would like to happen, and DO it to dh, don't ask about it, just do it. If you want massaged, then maybe massage him, if you want kisses on the back of your neck, do it to him

Really should take my own advice, its very easy to get into a routine

grumpywompy Fri 01-Mar-13 20:10:07

bless you guys thankyou for taking the time to reply.

I think it's probably the stress at work. although he has used porn in the past cos I've found stuff on his fone and pc sad

grumpywompy Fri 01-Mar-13 20:12:55

I think I'm not gonna push him and make him feel worse. making him feel bad would never be my intention.

I might suggest the doctor though..even if it's to talk about stress/depression issues

formallyknownasloveydarling Fri 01-Mar-13 20:15:00

Nothing helpful to add but I just wanted you to know that you are by no means alone. I could have written your post word for word and I lurk on here a lot and there are tons of posts similar to yours, sadly. And in rl, several close friends of mine and their partners have totally mismatched sex drives, which I know is not the same but is a similar problem.

I am hoping that the kids getting older will help but in our case it's got a bit elephant-in-the-room like so I know deep down that we have got to confront it sometime soon. But it's just too easy to put off at the end if a busy day.
Anyway, best of luck. What about a gym membership/pampering session/exercise class to make you feel good about yourself? I had my waxing done the other day and I felt good.

lovelytoes Fri 01-Mar-13 20:17:08

What are those tablets called i could do with some?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now