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ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.

To want him to just fucking back off

(34 Posts)
StickEmWithThePointyEnd Thu 28-Feb-13 22:05:59

Not a day has gone by this week without dh having a go at me in the limited time we spend together.

Today it was because I didn't make an effort with dinner apparently. I could have done more veg or gravy. Yesterday it was because I didn't cook dinner at all (dh had half cleaned the oven so it couldn't be used). The day before it was because I didn't eat the dinner he had cooked, because I didn't like it.

He is stressed, I understand that, he is studying, working evenings, looking after ds during the day and managing the house. He hates the job he is doing, but we need the money.

He says I am not making an effort with anything anymore, that I am becoming lazier and he is having to do more work himself.

It seems to prove this point he has spent this week performing random cleaning tasks throughout the house of the sort that I never do anyway, unless we are moving out. Like cleaning the oven for example.

I sort the dishwasher, wash the clothes, hoover, wipe surfaces, ensure ds and the cat are fed and happy, ensure ds is washed and put to bed on time with a story. I do these things day in day out as they are required and always have done. Ideally, I would do more but at this moment in time that is not my priority, I do what has to be done in order for the houshold to function.

I can't do any more because I am struggling to keep afloat. I am also studying, working full time, doing a training course for work and looking after ds in the evenings (we have no childcare so dh hands ds over to me literally as I walk out the door at work).

I am on antidepressants and have just finished a course of counselling which was emotionally exhausting and am not sleeping well and having nightmares following my mum's sudden death in November. I had to return to work last week even though I don't think I am ready because we need the money as I am the main wage earner.

I am trying to manage my anger and stress through reading a couple of books (or trying to find time to) on Mindfulness and Buddhism. I am finding this useful as I am able to stay calm with ds, even though there have been times recently when I have felt like I wanted to smack him (I haven't btw). It also is helping me realise that a lot of things I worry about don't matter in the long term, like doing more housework which is helping to alleviate the anxiety and stress of the smaller things.

So why won't he leave me alone? It doesn't bloody well matter that the oven was dirty or if the dinner I cooked was crap. The fact that I cooked at all is an achievement. Every day I want to stay curled up in bed and be alone but I am getting up and trying to make it through each day. But apparently I'm just getting worse.

Sorry this is so long.

Teahouse Fri 01-Mar-13 22:16:46

Sounds like both of you have far too much on and I am sure things will ease as your various courses finish.

Try to chunk things together. Write list of what needs to be done by whom a PM'd schedule in some free time for each of you to recharge your empty batteries.

Get an extension for your assessments if you can.
And write a cleaning rota that you both agree to stick to so extra cleaning is avoided.

I am sure you can work together and with your counselling think about how you hear his communication by telling him what you heard so you can clarify and so him to do the same. Maybe even use a talking stick to sort out how you list your life until the awful business is over.

All sounds very stress related. Good luck

AbigailAdams Fri 01-Mar-13 22:19:27

You implied it GoSuckEggs.

GoSuckEggs Fri 01-Mar-13 22:21:15

I said 'some posters' if you wish to class yourself as 'some posters' then that is dine by me, but i did not specifically say YOU.

AbigailAdams Fri 01-Mar-13 22:23:34

No but mine was the only post you had commented on. Which implies you classed me in 'some posters'.

perfectstorm Fri 01-Mar-13 22:25:00

Can I ask how old DS is and how he is sleeping? Because if you're both completely exhausted (and with the schedule you describe, there's no down time for either of you) then you'll be horrible to one another. DH and I were when DS was very little, too.

I'm not ruling about abuse, but at the same time, sometimes couples go through low patches where both are crabby and snippy. Are you this way with one another, or is it all from him, I suppose is basically at the heart of this.

Depression is horrendous and makes every single act a huge achievement, but he sounds as if he may be suffering from some himself, tbh. Has he been supportive in the past, or is this a recurrent/consistent response from him?

perfectstorm Fri 01-Mar-13 22:26:50

Sorry, not ruling OUT abuse. Tired here too. blush

GoSuckEggs Fri 01-Mar-13 22:40:32

No it doesn't Abigail, it means I thought that your first post was a load of shit and that I think some posters can get hysterical on threads like this.

if you wish to link the two separate posts then go for it confused

AbigailAdams Fri 01-Mar-13 23:04:49

OK whatever.

Stickem, apologies for the derailment. I hope you get a chance to talk with your partner. And I hope I was wrong with my first post.

I'm usually fairly fast to call abuse. But in this case, so far, it sounds a lot more like two people who are both under a lot of pressure and snapping and snarling at each other.

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