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Stuck & can't see how to keep 'handling' it

(91 Posts)
Feelingpissedoff Thu 28-Feb-13 21:08:34

I have nc & if anyone kind of recognises me,pls don't out me. I apologise for this being a v v long opening to my thread.
Ok,I have been with my h for 7 years,married for 3.
He has always been an odd one. When we met,I wanted someone who was steady,reliable & would make me their complete life blush
I got some of it lets say. We have had some nice times but I really don't know how to handle things anymore.
He has no friends,no family. He doesn't like socialising,I learnt early on that I couldn't go out like I used to.
He is a compulsive liar. The career he claimed to have when we met was a lie. He claimed he had plenty of money,blah blah. He is extremely convincing,when he says things I actually think he believes them at that second.
When I was promoted he caused such arguments that in the end (coupled with the fact the job was not hugely satisfying) I requested to go back to my old role.
He has been made redundant twice since we've been together & my career is fairly happy.
I was told pre marriage I was unlikely to ever have children. He was not bothered either way really.
I fell pg immediately after our wedding & mc at 9 weeks.
I found out I was pg at the time of mc. He was entirely unsupportive. I fell pg next month.
He went mad,tried to push me to have a termination. It was a black horrible time. We didn't have a good relationship for my entire pregnancy. I was under a different midwife as they were concerned about my home life.
About 10 days before my due date I found out he had two dc. I packed my things & left after another manic row where I called the police. He talked me round.
He was super husband for about a month. Things slipped into me being v v lonely on mat leave. We viewed houses near my dsis,the budget he gave me was 450k needing a small mortgage. We involved my family in viewings. It was more nonsense. We couldn't even get a mortgage.
For the most part we bob along,but he just goes into a bubble quite often. It as if I & ds don't exist. Not ignoring but like we are actually not even there.
For a special birthday I got nothing,no card nothing. Nothing for any occasion really. I have booked to work Mother's Day so we don't row.
There must be more to life than this for ds & I. I have begged him to leave before,he refuses point blank.
Feel absolutely downtrodden.

Reality Thu 28-Feb-13 21:16:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Feelingpissedoff Thu 28-Feb-13 21:22:21

My family are supportive but also logistically it's not an option.
They take everything he says with a pinch of salt after getting taken in with the lies.

AnyFucker Thu 28-Feb-13 21:23:10

I don't understand your post

Are you still trying to find a way to stay with him, or appeal to his (non existent) better nature and ask him to move out ?

Why would you do either of those things

This man is Walter Mitty personified. How utterly humiliating it must be, to know that all the people around you know that your H is a complete fantasist and you go along with every new peabrained voyage of self delusion he chooses to take you on

get off the merry go round, for God's sake

leave him

Feelingpissedoff Thu 28-Feb-13 21:23:13

It's my flat. I pay mortgage.

Feelingpissedoff Thu 28-Feb-13 21:24:11

Sorry if I'm not making sense.

Lueji Thu 28-Feb-13 21:25:59

You don't beg him to leave.

You leave yourself, or arrange for him to be made to leave.
First thing, talk to a solicitor.

CharlotteCollinsislost Thu 28-Feb-13 21:26:47

If it's your place, can you change the locks while he's out?

AnyFucker Thu 28-Feb-13 21:27:46

it's your place, and he has no claim on it ?

not too sure about that, if you are married

have you taken legal advice ?

Feelingpissedoff Thu 28-Feb-13 21:27:59

I can't change locks legally.

CharlotteCollinsislost Thu 28-Feb-13 21:28:12

He does sound personality disordered and he is clearly making your life hell with his antics. Might be worth checking the legality of what I just suggested. blush

CharlotteCollinsislost Thu 28-Feb-13 21:28:30

Ah. x-post!

ThingummyBob Thu 28-Feb-13 21:29:07

Hitch up your skirts and run like the wind.

The lying alone would be enough to break the marriage vows for me OP sad The rest of it sounds like he has all the hallmarks of an abusive fuckwit sorry.

Have you ever had any relationship counselling with him? What were the concerns of the midwife at the time? Are your family and friends supportive of you and ds if you were to leave?

Reality Thu 28-Feb-13 21:33:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Feelingpissedoff Thu 28-Feb-13 21:34:02

I had a different midwife as at my first mw check at 12ish weeks,I told her I was really upset & that he didn't want the baby. Think they were concerned it was a DV situation. Not to upset anyone,I know dv is horrific but that would be simpler in some ways,more tangible.
He doesn't see his other children. He would never have told me about them sad

AnyFucker Thu 28-Feb-13 21:34:13

You can't live like this. You can't keep shielding how bad he really is from the rest of the world

It's ok to stop now.

Take legal advice, split your assets as the law sees fit and cut your losses before he wrecks your support network and destroys you

it's on the cards, I am afaraid

Is his name on the deeds? If not kick him the fuck out. He sounds awful, you need rid.

Feelingpissedoff Thu 28-Feb-13 21:36:31

I just don't know how I'd physically manage with working full time (shifts) with ds. Family are nowhere local.

AnyFucker Thu 28-Feb-13 21:38:49

Speak to your employer.

Research child care in your area.

Take advice from someone who knows what they are talking about, instead of second-guessing

ThingummyBob Thu 28-Feb-13 21:39:13

You poor thing, but Reality is right.

You need to get out of your marriage for your sake and your ds.

Once the burden is lifted you will feel the strength return to you. Its so tiring dealing with a person like this in your life. You shouldn't have to 'handle' your marriage, it should enrich your life, not suck the life out of you.

Cherriesarelovely Thu 28-Feb-13 21:43:26

AF has it bang on as usual. This cannot go on can it? It really sounds as if in splitting up you will not be "losing" anything but gaining everything. He sounds like an unmitigated disaster. You have been through enough already, he ignores you and Ds anyway. That is not a relationship, it is dreadful.

What do you think his reaction will be when you tell him you need him to leave OP? Do you feel safe doing that?

Feelingpissedoff Thu 28-Feb-13 21:43:39

Ds goes to nursery 5 mins from work. There is no equity in the property.
He has gone to bed at before 630 the last few nights. Don't know if it's depression or bipolar or he's in fact just bloody odd.
Found his ex on Fb. She doesn't look the type to have had an affair.
Mum says to bide my time until ds goes to school.

ThingummyBob Thu 28-Feb-13 21:44:02

You'll manage I promise. Thousands of us do smile

Everything is easier once you have made the decision and gone. I might not seem possible, but it will be. I took two weeks off sick when I kicked my EA fuckwit ex in to touch and separated, would that be possible for you? Your GP will most likely sign you off with stress if you explain. Its not a cop out, its necessary to regain some of the control you have lost over your own sense of self.

CharlotteCollinsislost Thu 28-Feb-13 21:44:13

You would be able to get out there and socialise like you used to.

You would know where you stood - financially, emotionally, and you would know what's real and what's not.

I'm guessing you'd feel more energised and able to tackle practical difficulties as a result.

Feelingpissedoff Thu 28-Feb-13 21:44:57

I've asked him to leave more times than I can remember in person,text,email. It's as if I haven't said it.

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