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Why are so many men so selfish and entitled in bed?

(194 Posts)
Frizzbonce Thu 28-Feb-13 12:28:49

I don't mean rape or assault or any kind of sex where abuse is involved.

What I mean is the kind of really rubbish sex where you lie there afterwards feeling twitchy and resentful I've been thinking back over all the bad sex I've had. Sadly a lot of it was because I didn't think I was entitled to expect good sex and even when I did start understanding what I wanted and tried to gently encourage, I still encountered men who would

Go straight from a brief tongue jab to nipple twiddle followed by a quick check down there to see if I was 'ready'.
Twiddle my nips in bored fashion as though trying to locate Latvian Radio
Fiddle with my ladyparts in manner of Doing Me a Favour or trying to remove a stain from blazer

The absolute worst sex ever was when I was briefly dating a doctor. I should have guessed at his manners when he wandered out of the restaurant and peed up against the side of the wall while howling like a wolf. I was only twenty - that's my excuse. He also possessed an extensive collection of 'video nasties' and in his bedroom was a very well thumbed copy of the Marquis de Sade's Forth Days of Sodom. There was no foreplay and he kept his socks on. It really hurt me because I wasn't ready at all and I asked him to stop. He said: 'Are you a virgin - is that why you're so dry?' Something snapped and I got out of bed got dressed and went home.

Now I've been with DP for several years and I could tell he was going to be fabulous from the moment we kissed and he was and he still is. It's because my pleasure is his pleasure too. It's really not that difficult. Like women and take some time to turn them on. Why, with all the information out there are some men still so entitled and selfish in bed?

GarbledMessage Fri 01-Mar-13 14:15:20

Mercury7 I think you are absolutely right, and the ones who are best in bed have an innate sensuality that just makes it all soooooooooooooooooo much sexier. I think part of my issue with DH is that I have to damn well explain what i want all the time, and it kills my libido. I want a man who will throw me on the bed and make me squirm with desire until I jump on him goddammit! DH, you see, is just too polite and well behaved. Sigh.

GarbledMessage Fri 01-Mar-13 14:16:07

And actually, d'you know what, even if he DID now, I think it'd be all wrong cause I know it's just not him. It's a lose lose situation.

ErikNorseman Fri 01-Mar-13 14:33:41

I don't remember having many orgasms with casual partners when I was younger. I think I felt they weren't so important hmm I had great sex with partners though.

More recently I had a ONS with a guy who was eager but inexperienced (I'm assuming). He was banging away and I kept trying to slow things down a bit. I don't enjoy being sexed on, I like it to be reciprocal! He then said 'I want to make you come' so I said ok, big grin on face, and started to show him how. He got the hump and went floppy. Meh. What are we supposed to do when the male ego won't allow any communication of our needs?

Frizzbonce Fri 01-Mar-13 15:01:26

Erik "I don't enjoy being sexed on" grin

I do don't mean to be nosy but he says he wants to make you come, you show him how and he goes all floppy?! What did he think you wanted - more of his turbo thrusting?

ErikNorseman Fri 01-Mar-13 15:07:57

Basically, yes. He said he wanted me to come, but only if that meant I could summon an orgasm immediately in response to him continuing exactly what he was doing. I wasn't teacherish or bossy, I just did the whole sexy grin-shift a bit-grind the pelvis thing. It clearly freaked him out.

Trinpy Fri 01-Mar-13 15:20:04

Tbh, some of the men I've slept with in the past have been so clueless explaining what I want made me feel bossy and teacher-like. Which might work for some but is not a turn-on for me. And I got frustrated with having to say 'not like that, more like this' for the millionth time.

I don't think I'm amazing in bed but I like to think I've got reasonbly good through years of listening to partners/asking them what they like and just being aware of the other person.

In my teens I dated a guy for a few months. We were both crap and v inexperienced in bed and the sex was awful. Real planning-what-you're-going-to-have-for-dinner-tomorrow-night sex. After we broke up he got back together with an ex gf who was still a virgin. 3 years later we got back in contact and he confided in me that the sex we had when we were together was the best he'd ever had. We decided not to see each other again after that (he was still with the same gf), but I was shock at the time that someone could spend years having such an unsatisfying sex life.

Autumn12 Fri 01-Mar-13 15:20:26

One of my Ex's told me once that men really don't care if the woman has an orgasm or not. I felt sorry for his then wife.

ordinarybloke Fri 01-Mar-13 15:37:13

Autumn12 - luckily there are plenty of men who get-off on their sexual partner enjoying the and having an orgasm.but it has to be a 2-way street.you cannot expect all men to automatically know what they have to do to pleasure a woman. if he's not doing it properly,then tell and/or show him.but the bloke does have to follow her instructions/suggestions.

goodnightlove Fri 01-Mar-13 15:39:44

But, as has been explained ordianary, even after having told and shown some men can't or wont do what it takes to get their partner fully involved.

Maybe they're not listening hmm

goodnightlove Fri 01-Mar-13 15:52:53

Oh thank god for this thread. I love my DH madly and deeply. I love his personality. I fancy the pants off him. I love the look of him, the smell of him, the taste of him everything about him.

I love making love with him. I'll do quickies. It's not like i want hours of sex every time. I love giving him oral, i do it all the time. I'll try stuff out.

But ... 9 times out of 10 ... 29 times out of 30 - 'speeding train with an erection' sums him up. I have tried and tried to slow him down. I have shown him how i pleasure myself. I have told him i love oral, and on the occasions where he's given it a go i've been wildly encouraging (even though it was only so so) I have asked him to go slowly and told him why. I have actually grabbed his hips mid thrust many a time and said 'slow down darling - i love to feel every inch' or similar, but he returns to drill mode almost straight away. He actually says he can't help it.

I have read out threads from MN about men who wont perform oral on their partners or are wham bam thank you mam. Or who struggle to make a long session. Or flick a nipple and then expect great things. He has responded well - said things like, 'yeah i should try harder really' or 'i don't go down on you much, do i?' or 'i'm a bugger for rushing to the finish line'.

Nothing changes though. What do i do?

CheerfulYank Fri 01-Mar-13 15:59:31

I was a bit concerned when I got together with my DH...he was a repressed, very Catholic, virgin. But it started out quite good and became amazing. smile

He is innately very physical and gets extrmely turned on by women enjoying themselves, so that's helpful!

Also he didn't watch a lot of porn when he was young. I think when men are boys\teens and their first sexual "experiences" are seeing women thrown on the bed and jackhammered without any foreplay, and the women are screaming with delight...well. Doesn't bode well for their future partners!

ScabieFace Fri 01-Mar-13 16:03:31

I'm so pleased there are others whose DPs aren't brilliant in bed and that they accept it.

I've been lucky enough to have loads of sex with some men who were AMAZING in bed (and some who weren't!) but nothing else about those relationships worked. I love DP and he is great in dozens of ways. I really fancy him but he just isn't any good in bed. Penetration is great but foreplay is few and far between.

For now I'm ok with it but I do wonder if I'll ever slip and cheat on him for some hot and passionate sex. Oh I'm a bad person. confused

Reading COSMO was always quite enlightening and gives you some thoughts as to what women want - plus some plain old practising too grin.

Wishihadabs Fri 01-Mar-13 16:24:52

I am trying to read this with a straight face in front of the dcs.I think I have been incredibly lucky with my dps. However I have been having sex with the same person for the last 16 years give or take, so have almost certainly missed the most recent porn fuelled trends. (All my partners with v. few exceptions wanted to be good in bed and wanted me to enjoy it).

I have to say that I think not having sex too early in the relationship does help you both to learn what the other person likes. Hours and hours (or in some cases weeks and weeks) of touching , kissing , licking, sucking and feeling can only lead to better sex when the time comes. This is the approach the sex therapists use. Perhaps posters whose dps are otherwise perfect could try only non penetration for a while to learn a bit more about what floats each other's boats.

Charliefox Fri 01-Mar-13 16:24:53

Maybe I'm one of the lucky ones too but I've never had a bad experience in bed and I've had a loooot of men pass through the revolving doors <not a euphemism>. I've only ever known men who are passionate, horny as hell, not in the slightest bit put out by noise, mess, blood or anything else. Who worship women's bodies and want to devour them. I can honestly say though, if a guy was just twiddling round a bit or was 'selfish and entitled', I'd simply stop proceedings, get dressed and that'd be the end of that.

Wishihadabs Fri 01-Mar-13 16:27:18

OTOH a mature man who shows no consideration for his partner early in the relationship probably isn't worth wasting any more time on.

Charliefox Fri 01-Mar-13 16:30:10

Reading that back, I sound a bit selfish and entitled! Ah well, hey ho.

Wishi or in some case years.......had about 3 years together before we fully DTD, blimey its 30 years in about one month and one week since first she snogged my face off.

Wishihadabs Fri 01-Mar-13 16:40:26

Respect Nigellla. My record was about 6 months (age 17). But didn't let DH into my knickers for about 6 weeks smile

OmiQueenofTypose Fri 01-Mar-13 16:57:39

I remember the turning point with DH, where we went from Ok to brilliant, was the excruciating moment when he first heard Lily Allen's Not Fair. He asked me a few questions about sex, about what it was like for me (in general) and then he went quiet while the penny dropped. It was like it finally all clicked together - he wasn't terrible before, but it wasn't very joined up. And after that? It was all goooood. grin

TheUndesireable Fri 01-Mar-13 17:19:40

Haha I just sent P the link to that song, wonder if he'll mention it

TheUndesireable Fri 01-Mar-13 17:21:14

He once said he'd never been with anyone who took so long to come (I don't, it's just he doesn't know how to do it right)
Just saying that will kill your libido and made me feel like a freak

I do think that quite a lot of it is down to the fact that, socially and culturally, a lot of men still think, fundamentally, that women are't quite 'people', and that men are simply more important. So sex is about the man's orgasm first and foremost, just as 'the famiy' is about the man getting his domestic comforts and his children cared for by the woman.

It works both ways.

I have bleated enough on here about the lack of intimancy during my 30+ years of marriage, and how I only stuck with it because of my vows.

I honestly don't know enough about women in bed to say who is at fault. But can you all say, truthfully, that you have all been ready, willing and able, and it's always been the male who fails?

I am prepared for a total flaming here, but from my very, very limited experience (which to my total and utter regret, isn't going to change in my lifetime) it takes two to tango.....

Wishihadabs Fri 01-Mar-13 17:56:35

I'm sorry ineed. Was it ever any good or has it never been what you would have liked ?

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