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Workaholic DP says I'M neglecting HIM!

(108 Posts)
happyclapper Thu 28-Feb-13 09:53:14

Have been with DP for 13 yrs. Have 2 DS 10 and 5. After 2 redundancies and a lot of debt which we are half way through clearing, DP now has a good, well paid job which means him working long hours, sometimes away for a night or 2. On top of that he has a hobby which brings in extra cash but which takes up alot of time in the evenings and at weekends.
He does nothing to do with the home apart from help with the kids when he can. Doesn't even change the proverbial light bulb. But thats fine with me as I have enough time to take care of those things and he definitely doesn't.
I work part-time in a job I enjoy but does not have the oppurtunity to increase hours.
DP is very stressed and unhappy in his job and has said almost on a weekly basis he is going to look for something else. This is fine by me, infact I want him to work less or drop his sideline to allow for more family time but in reality this isn't going to happen because he wont give anyhing up.
Our family time amounts to and hour before bedtime with the kids sometimes and a couple of hours on a Sunday afternoon.
If he has a free hour in the evening he goes for a run and on Saturdays he plays football and is gone from 12.30 till 6.
I am not a very demonstrative person , except with my DS, but he has recently accused me of negleting him emotionaly and not giving him enough love.
I would like to know when ffs I am supposed to do this as he is never in the same f****ing room as me!
And excuse me, but what love do I get apart from when he wants sex which he is quite happy to have even when he knows I get nothing from it.
We have had sex counselling with regard to this which basically boiled down to the councilor telling him to make some time for me.
The thought of splitting up just makes me feel sick. I would do anything to keep us together for DS's sake but I can't fake feelings I don't have because I'm living with someone who is so wrapped up in his own life.

Fairenuff Sat 02-Mar-13 14:00:13

I think the football is a red herring.

It's just an example of how selfish this man is.

If, indeed, he is actually playing football, even though his wife has clearly stated that this has a negative impact on their relationship, and so has their counsellor, it just demonstrates his lack of care for her opinions.

No-one needs to be out from 12.30 to 6 every single Saturday, for leisure.

That is not a commitment you make unless you are single and have no other responsibilities.

That is a personal choice which should be made with the full agreement of the partner. If the partner is at all dissatisfied then it should be compromised.

Unless I am reading something different to many of the posters on this thread, the problem is crystal clear. The husband will not compromise. So it doesn't matter what the OP does, she will not be happy.

Yes, she could watch him play football, she could have a new hairdo and spruce herself up, she could be more affectionate and loving, she could spice up the sex life, she could become a perfect stepford wife.

But she would still not be happy because all that would be done in an effort to get him to appreciate, admire, respect and like her, as an idividual, an equal, with her own thoughts, feelings and opinions which are just as valid as his.

And he won't do that. Ever.

Think about it. He chooses to make a weekly commitment of 5+ hours to football yet makes no weekly commitment at all to his wife. Their relationship suffers. They go to counselling. The counsellor says you need to make time for your wife.

Why hasn't he done this? Either he is seeing someone else or he just doesn't care about the OP. What other excuse could he have?

It's not about long work hours, hobbies, etc. It's his choice. And he is choosing 'football' over her.

Ginebra Sat 02-Mar-13 16:52:11

honeyandrum, completely stand by the relevancy of the post i made.

posters are basically suggesting she ignore her own needs. and, as fairenuff summarises, the problem is he won't compromise at all, ever. So, if she doesn't love him, but won't leave him.............. confused yeh, good luck solving that one!

The reason the op;s husband won't compromise is because he has no need to make any concessions. what is forcing him to make concessions? nothing at all. his wife isn't going anywhere. in fact, despite being unhappy, she is thinking about bending over backwards even further, and has labelled this course of action 'balanced'.

arsenaltilidie Sat 02-Mar-13 17:58:14

Amateur football season is generally from Sept to April with a month long Christmas brake.
Its common for 'people with responsibilities' to have a partake in a hobby every Saturday Saturday afternoon.
Rugby is the same, most good clubs have a plenty of over playing week in week out.
Season ticket holders spend most Saturdays 12-6pm outside the house.

We don't know what the counsellor said to the OP, but given
parents didn't have a good relationship and hardly showed any affection to each other......uhm. makes me think the counsellor probably said she should show a lot more affection.

He shoulders the blame too for this current situation.

Discharging from the counsellor means its the beginning of change if BOTH work on change. If one or both person neglects the change, or slack a bit then it's only a matter of time before things revert to the old ways.

Hence my point, they BOTH need to work on things. He either chooses football or running and make detailed plans about spending time together and she has to at least show she cares about him.
Its a matter of both sitting down EVERYWEEK and working out what plans they have for each other such as actually booking a restaurant or organising child care.

Fairenuff Sat 02-Mar-13 20:57:36

Hence my point, they BOTH need to work on things. He either chooses football or running and make detailed plans about spending time together and she has to at least show she cares about him. Its a matter of both sitting down EVERYWEEK and working out what plans they have for each other such as actually booking a restaurant or organising child care.

arsenal the OP is more than happy to do this. This is what she wants and is asking for from her dh.

But he won't do it. He simply refuses.

Arsenal

Unfortunately as Fairenuff rightly states, OPs man is refusing to co-operate and has also disregarded the counsellor's advice to give her i.e the OP more time. This man also does not even sit in the same room as OP of an evening (this is stated in an earlier post of OPs).

If real change is to occur it has to be a two way process; nothing can be achieved also if the other person does not want change. He is certainly getting what he wants from this relationship, I cannot fully see what the OP is getting out of it apart from material needs being met.

I asked OP what she learnt about relationships when growing up - she replied that her parents did not have a good relationship. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents - she has carried those damaging lessons into her current relationship and so history repeats itself.

CressidaFitass Sun 03-Mar-13 02:34:52

Prob happyclapper and DH need to talk.

It's amazing how many years can go by without you actually discussing both of your true feelings. And 'chatting' doesn't seem to happen with men. You need to make sure you have some uninterrupted time for you both to talk about your feelings about your relationship, and don't expect men just to talk even if they have the chance. You have to agree to a chat, thus giving both of you time to think about what is most important and what you want to say, then some days later sit down and take turns to speak, allowing an extra 5 mins each time at least for DH to get round to voicing what he has to say (without interruption - men just take forever to speak ime.

CressidaFitass Sun 03-Mar-13 02:48:58

Not saying that the talk will necessarily lead to happy ever after. But it will make it clearer where they both stand.

Bedtime1 Sun 03-Mar-13 06:04:26

Good luck with it all

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