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Mum at the school won't talk to me as our daughters fell out.

(54 Posts)
Murphy0510 Wed 27-Feb-13 22:19:09

The girls had a very minor argument at school about a year ago. They are 8. Her daughter is quite diva-like in her behaviour and has very big dramatic fall outs with a lot of other girls. The mum sent me a few unpleasant texts really insulting my DD. I suggested we got the girls together to iron out their differences and to make friends and she said no, she didn't want to do that. So then I suggested we just tell the girls to stay away from each other at school for a while (they were never best friends), and she sent me another insulting text, deleted me from Facebook, and has now refused to speak to me since.

We live very near each other, and if we walk past each other she puts her nose in the air and quickly turns her head away from me, or she tries to stare me out! I have tried several times to say hello to her, and she's ignored me, but it's making school runs very difficult and awkward, as we see each other most days. She stands outside the gate chatting each morning with a couple of her friends and always seems to be in the way when I try to walk through the gate, and when I say 'excuse me' she doesn't move.

I don't mind if she doesn't like me. I think she's been very childish and unpleasant, but has anyone got any advice on how to handle things? I get panicky when she walks towards me as I find it so awkward walking past her and us ignoring each other. I hate bad feeling and would like us to just be on saying hello/nodding terms, but I don't think this is going to happen.

Laura0806 Thu 28-Feb-13 22:45:57

Just re read this thread, I am so sorry for what youve been through, to the OP and Friendlymum as well as Cherriesarelovely and others, I can't believe the level of intimidation and bullying youve experienced. Its actually v difficult to comprehend. Mine is to a much lesser degree but nonetheless causes a lot of distress, worry and I dread to think the amount of time spent thinking about it. i too didnt tell anyone else not wanting to be as 'bad as her' but lately people have asked me about it and two have been on the receiving end of her before.I suspect in your cases this has hapened before with others and no doubt will again. I think all we can do is try and be civil but i feel so awkward I find it hard to say hello and just avoid as much as possible but unfortunately it is distancing me from mutual friends which isnt fair . Good luck and let us know how things progress

Cherriesarelovely Thu 28-Feb-13 21:58:44

I'm worried about that too friendly I think that although this woman has gone for now, she hasn't gone far enough that her Dd would be in a different catchment for secondary school. The thought of her Dd turning up at the same school as mine and causing trouble again is such a horrible one. I hope the police were helpful, it does make you doubt yourself I agree.

It's awful reading that others have been in similar situations - I feel for you allsad.

I too could never envisaged falling out with someone especially as a 40 something mum of two. It has really made me doubt myself and really shaken my confidence. I have involved the police as I wanted everything documented just in case.

I do feel incredibly angry that this other mum tries to intimidate me so much but am not a confrontational person at all and I think she takes advantage of this.

I dearly wish she would move away from here but sadly it is likely that our daughters will go to the same senior school so our paths will always cross - something I dread!!

Cherriesarelovely Thu 28-Feb-13 20:54:04

I wish I was bolder too!

Cherriesarelovely Thu 28-Feb-13 20:53:32

It's horrible Laura isn't it? It really starts to wear down your social confidence and you start to get a bit paranoid. I was so desperate NOT to inflame an already very highly charged situation that I told practically none of my other mum friends but that just made me feel as if she was telling them all horrible things about me (before this we did have a group of mutual friends but to be fair because I work she saw them alot more than me). DP and I would go to the school for an event or at pick up time and feel hideously self conscious in the playground wondering if anyone would talk to us or trying to second guess if they knew.

Also, you feel as if if you start telling people things then you are "as bad as them". However, after a year of being practically silent and concilliatry we gave up. We actively stopped trying to be friendly and her icy stares were returned or we acted as though she didn't exist. By that time I was so fucked off with her it was easy. I am still angry about it though. It doesn't pervade my every waking thought like it did at one stage but I am angry that bullies like this exist and at the lies she has told people about us.

Laura0806 Thu 28-Feb-13 16:52:04

Again I cant any advice but I too am shocked and appalled at what you have been through, refusing to serve your daughter a cake is ridiculous. Unfortunately the reason I cant give advice as something similar has happened to me and like you, the school gate, parties, mutual friends coffees are horrendous. I have never ever fallen out with anyone before and this mum, who was a good friend of mine has done a lot in the past but she started pulling away from me because she didn't like her daughter following mine around or something. She then started being very unpleasant,cold shouldering, snide comments, not inviting me to things, telling people I was behaving how she was,dropping me from all her social events and telling other people it was me doing it to her. It isnt as bad as your situation as, as far as I know she hasn't done anything to my dd but it is excruitatingly awakward and i feel sick when I see her as I have had a couple of people tell me what she has told them about me and how they dont believe her. However, I have no idea who else she has told and whether they do believe her. Luckily others has seen her true colours and are polite to her just out of politeness. I honestly dont know why women of our age behave like this, and I too really need help to deal with it. I find it soo hard to say hi as I feel so awkward but I need to do so in a loud, clear 'im not bothered way' as otherwise shes pulling me down to her level and frankly I dont want to be like her. I wish I was a bit bolder!!

laverneandshirl Thu 28-Feb-13 16:44:10

Your stories sound terrible, really really feel for you.

Had a chat with another mum this afternoon and agreed that we've learnt it probably is best to be up front about these things in as neutral way as possible regardless of consequence. Think my problem is that I ignored a lot of bad behaviour coming our way as sensed other Mum wouldn't see it same way and as a result she is never challenged by anyone about how her daughter behaves and so can't see the problem. As a self-protection strategy it's pretty bloody effective!

However, some of the adult behaviour that you've described and I've experienced is off the scale in terms of rational and so sometimes you have to cut off from it. I think if that happens maybe the 'ballsy' response mentioned above might work best in terms of self-preservation of sanity.

One day it will all be over!

Cherriesarelovely Thu 28-Feb-13 14:53:45

I actually thought about leaving/moving schools too. I did get to the point where I realised they were set on making our lives a misery and had no idea what they would do next. I am so happy you have moved on miss. xx

Cherriesarelovely Thu 28-Feb-13 14:52:05

Miss that is horrendous. I feel horrible for you. I cannot imagine how dreadful it would be to be NEXT DOOR! I actually found it hard enough knowing these people were within walking distance of my house so your situation is very grim. They are bullies, you are so right. It is shameful that adults behave like this.

MissLurkalot Thu 28-Feb-13 14:50:04

Cherries
xxx

MissLurkalot Thu 28-Feb-13 14:48:31

OMG! Serious déjà vu!!
Our situation was similar, but we also happened to live next door to the family. It was hell, as it was not only school run, school playground, parties etc.. It was every evening and weekend.
I laid back and took it, all to keep the peace, my sanity and the fear of my daughter seeing me being horrible to people.
I just didn't want to lower myself to their level.. I say their, as she roped in the neighbour/friend on the other side of us.

I put on an act for 16 months.. Smiling, civil, 'it's not affecting me'... But inside, honestly, I was dying. ( I'd just had our third baby)
After a while, we weren't allowed to play outside with any of the other kids. She monopolised everything it felt.
Then, our daughter began to slowly be affected by what going on around at home and the school run. They were clever, never did anything at school.
But one day, I was pulled into see the teacher and she asked me what was going on at home,
I fell to pieces, explained everything .

We decided to pull our daughter out of school and we got her a place at our dream school the other side of town. Then we sold the house and found our dream home too.

Word spread like wild fire in the playground and I opened up to other parents about it. Let's just say, the harpies were not the flavour of the playground anymore!

18 months later, we are so very happy and are well integrated into life here. No regrets.

My situation, don't forget, was masses worse as they were neighbours.
If it was just at school, I would've hoped I could've detached myself more,

I think you've been given some great advice so far,
My advice, is don't do what I did, stand back and be walked over,
(I mean no offence by saying you are a door mat. You're not, but I bet, like me, you've never been in this situation before. I was bullied at age 36 for the first time by those harpies! )
There is a lot to be said for holding your head high and being a lady.
I don't believe you are a 'fuck you back' kind of person... And why should you have to change yourself for them.
But, I think you need to find a way to toughen up and to 'take control', for your daughters sake. I wish I did, a bit sooner,
Let us know how you get on. Xx

Cherriesarelovely Thu 28-Feb-13 14:48:18

No, she was just lurking, scared to get involved. I understood but part of me was a bit upset and felt let down. There was this woman badmouthing me (amongst others) on a public forum and I can't do anything about it. It hurt me that some people might actually believe her. Now that I know how the school feels though I do feel alot better. My Dd is a really placid, well behaved kid, I know she's not perfect, none of us are, but she has never been in trouble or been involved in any big dramas so I just let her behaviour speak for itself. She was very traumatised by the whole thing though. She just couldn't believe that adults would behave like that, ignoring her when she said hi to them, refusing the serve her at a school cake sale! It is unbelievable isn't it?!

Murphy0510 Thu 28-Feb-13 14:40:27

That's awful, Cherries. It just goes to show that that kind of person just has no logic, and lives in their own bubble where they are right and everyone else is wrong. Did your friend point out to her that actually you had tried to talk to her?

Cherriesarelovely Thu 28-Feb-13 14:39:51

Thinking of you too laverne.

Cherriesarelovely Thu 28-Feb-13 14:39:16

Thanks Murphy, I will be thinking of you. It is extremely stressful but nice to know we are not alone.

Just one more thing....one of my friends told me that on fbook someone had suggested to this woman that she try to approach the parents of the children involved. To my gaul she apparently said "Oh believe me we have tried....we have tried everything"!!! In fact she had refused to speak a WORD to us in over a year!!!

Murphy0510 Thu 28-Feb-13 14:31:00

Cherries, that's awful. Some people have so many issues they can't see their child's true colours or look on things with any objectivity at all. I'm glad she's left the school now!

Laverne, don't apologise. It's good to hear I'm not alone with what has happened. Yes, It does feel a bit like a tightrope. Never quite sure when I will bump into her

Cherriesarelovely Thu 28-Feb-13 14:28:06

I agree Murphy it is weird and a bit embarrassing to me that I have had a huge fallout with friends in my 40s! Actually I've NEVER had a huge fall out with friends at any age so this is really uncomfortable!

Cherriesarelovely Thu 28-Feb-13 14:26:41

Yes, laverne I have hijacked the thread for a big, long moan too, I'm sorry Murphy!! It was just nice to share it as it has been such a stressful situation. Like you say, when your kids are young you can't really avoid the school gates so it is like a daily torture. My Dd is old enough to walk part of the way home on her own now so I very rarely go to pick her up. Even though these particuar parents have gone the whole experience has made me feel a bit wary and paranoid about others!

I think laverne is right though, over time I bet we will find out that many others felt the same as we did but couldn't say it.

Wow - I am soooo shock at the way these 'adults' behave.
I have never ever come across anything like it and I'm id 40's!!!
It really is beyond unbelievable.
If it was me though, I'd walk past her and say very very loudly 'Good morning (Suzie), hope you have a lovely day' or something similar.
But that's just me - I can be ballsy when I want.
I have no great advice as I've never encountered it.
But good luck and give as good as you get!!!

laverneandshirl Thu 28-Feb-13 14:21:12

Sorry I haven't given any useful advice - realise I am just moaning on your thread!

If I were in your shoes I suppose I would just try to ignore it (really hard) as I assume she is getting off on any sort of reaction she can get out of you. It must feel like walking a tightrope everyday.

The only good thing I can say is that if you think she is a pita you can absolutely guarantee that virtually everyone else does - even people that are supposedly keeping her close.

Cherriesarelovely Thu 28-Feb-13 14:20:10

Same here! So similar. The other child in this case had been upsetting, thumping, pushing other children around for ages but it was always everyone elses fault. Unfortunately I stupidly imagined that, because we were friends, I could broach the situation in a kinder, more sensitive way even though I was absolutely SICK Of this child ruining practically every party/gathering we had had for several years. When I gently broached the matter our (now ex) friends went through the roof and accused us of lying!! It was laughable, so many people had witnessed the behaviour and we had no reason to lie.

Some months later these parents accused several children (including Dd) of bullying their Dd. The school told us they had looked into every single allegation , spoken to the other kids in the class, all the teachers etc and that not a single person believed the story and that in fact the other children were scared of this child who had threatened them constantly "if you don't do this I'm going to tell my mum you bully me". The headteacher was fantastic and told us it was clear that this was a malicious campaign by the parents designed to detract from the problems that their child clearly had. She did try very hard to work with them and support the child but after a vitriolic campaign on fbook by our ex friends she threatened them with legal action and they took their Dd out of the school.

I do actually feel sorry for the little girl. She is very troubled and mixed up and has been made to believe that she is a victim when in fact she is the one that has been causing the problems in the first place. However, I am overjoyed that they have left.

Murphy0510 Thu 28-Feb-13 14:19:59

Grrrr, that made me cross on your behalf, Laverne! That is exactly the type of thing the mum that I know would do too! It's like they're looking for any little flaw in our DD's behaviour so that they can prove our DD's are as horrible as they claim they are!

Murphy0510 Thu 28-Feb-13 14:18:33

The mum I've had problems with sounds incredibly similar to the one you've had problems with, Laverne! She too does the sulking, crying and feeling upset every time anyone crosses her daughter. One day her DD came out of school screaming and crying and saying my DD had been horrible to her. DD said she hadn't, this girl had just sat on her coat and bag and DD had said 'Can you move?', this girl refused to, DD said she was going to tell the teacher, and wham, major tantrum. The girl came out and was screaming and pointing at DD and saying she was horrible, and the mum didn't say anything to her DD, she just let her do it, whilst I would have told my child to stop being so dramatic and to just calm down a bit.

The girl has since had dramatic fall outs with various other girls according to my DD. She is also spiteful and will do things to other children and then claim they've done things to her. I think the teachers have cottoned onto what she is like though, which is good

laverneandshirl Thu 28-Feb-13 14:16:39

Thanks Murphy I am fine but do feel like I am going a bit mad sometimes as you probably do!

The prob yesterday was that my DD did have a v minor falling out with one of her friends - unfortunately in the playground right in front of this Mum. She infuriated me by cuddling this little girl while I sorted out DD re the rude thing she'd said and made her apologise. The issue is that this Mum has repeatedly said horrible untrue things about the other little girl in question - including that she has bullied her own DD!

I just wanted to scream at the hypocrisy, but that is what they want isn't it?!

laverneandshirl Thu 28-Feb-13 14:11:47

It is quite worrying how alike the parent's and children's behaviour is. Unfortunately I think this means there is little scope for change.

The Mum in question for me is very charming to everyone but v passive aggressive - lots of sulky faces, crying and literally feeling her (imagined) DD's pain everytime a little fall out happens with anyone. Refuses to listen when you try to explain the 2 sides to the story and keeps pushing you to see it her way. She likes to think she is really sensitive and at first I believed it but I now see it is just a way of manipulating people by making them feel bad. This is how her DD interacts with the other girls...

i would love to hear from anyone out the other side so that they can reassure me the next step up is different!

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