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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Old boyfriend wants to try again

47 replies

SpeckledBird · 27/02/2013 16:59

NCer for this thread

I bumped into an old boyfriend a few months and we've been spending time together as friends before any of you get any ideas. We still get on really well, and there's definitely a spark between us. ExB gets on really well with DS and it's been really nice having him around again.

The problem is, ExB wants us to try again. I would love to, but it ended really badly last time around (nothing nasty, just lots of heartache on both sides) and I don't want to risk that. Also, if we were to split up, I'd be losing him as a friend, and he's just too important for me to lose him from my life now he's back in it.

ExH (very amicable split 5 years ago, I've not been involved with anyone since) has met ExB, likes him and has told me he thinks I should take a chance, telling me that he knows ExB was the great love of my life.

Should I risk it? Would we be trying to recreate something that ended years ago?

OP posts:

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TWinklyLittleStar · 27/02/2013 17:02

Why did you split up last time?

ILoveBagels · 27/02/2013 17:11

I think it hinges on the reasons you ended last time tbh. i know there was heartache, but that's to be expected when a relationship ends.

pictish · 27/02/2013 17:13

Why did you split? That's quite important.

Locketjuice · 27/02/2013 17:13

This could end so romantically!

ILoveBagels · 27/02/2013 17:13

sorry, posted too soon. i meant to also ask if you have any insight why you ended and if you can see any positive changes (in either of you) which would prevent this happening again?

other than that - go with your instincts.

SpeckledBird · 27/02/2013 17:15

He believed something he was told about me, which wasn't true, and split up with me, refused to talk to me etc. When I managed to get him to listen to me, he was mortified and wanted to try again, but I told him to sod off as I was angry he'd believed it in the first place (we were both quite young, it was the first Big Serious Relationship for both of us).

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ILoveBagels · 27/02/2013 17:34

are you being pushed for a decision? it seems to me that this is the type of thing that will become clearer with time, one way it another.

Bitofadviceplease · 27/02/2013 17:43

Go for it or you'll live with regrets & 'what if's'

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue · 27/02/2013 17:45

Why not just say you don't know, you're willing to go on dates but take it really slowly?

IMO whether you do or don't get back together, he isn't a friend now anyway as he has killed off any pretence it is platonic.

SpeckledBird · 27/02/2013 18:10

He's not pushing me for a decision at all, has just said that we both know how we feel about each other (true) and that he thinks we ought to try again. TBH if we go out for a drink it feels like being on a date, just without anything physical happening I'm trying very hard not to flirt with him to avoid giving him mixed messages, but we both know we're attracted to each other.

If we were to take it any further it would be very slowly, because of DS (although DS has referred to ExB as 'Mum's boyfriend' quite a few times now and I have to correct him with 'EXboyfriend)'.

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OverlyYappy · 27/02/2013 18:16

From what I have read you shouldn't try to recreate something that ended years ago you as it didn't work, you could however create a whole new reltionship which work this time.

I say take it very slow but also go for it, you will always wonder 'what if' if you don't.

SolidGoldBrass · 27/02/2013 18:46

If you were young and silly last time (and it sounds like young-and-silly break up) then it's worth at least giving it a try. IF you had broken up because of violence/manipulative behaviour, or because one of you had a drug or alcohol problem I would say be more cautious, but I think you have more to gain by giving it a go than you have to lose. Good luck, anyway.

Kione · 27/02/2013 18:55

give it a try and good luck!

HecateWhoopass · 27/02/2013 19:06

Have you talked about what happened last time? How do you know that he has matured sufficiently to not behave like that again? (am I right in thinking the two of you were just kids at that time?)

If he has grown up, and you like him, then would it really be so scary to take a chance? Clearly he hurt you, but you've let him part way back in and it sounds like it's fear that's keeping you from doing what it actually sounds like you want to do.

Who was it who said regret the things you did (in life) and not the things you didn't do...

It's good advice, I think.

If you lose a friend, that would be sad. If you never take a chance on love, that's sadder.

I have made myself feel a little queasy now, with the hearts and flowers. I'm going to need to go and kick someone or something.

SpeckledBird · 27/02/2013 19:13

Hmm. Plenty to think about. We've both grown up a lot since those days (it was twenty odd years ago), and it could work. It was definitely a young and silly break up though. I think I'm just hesitant because I'd forgotten how well we fitted together. Changing things means letting my guard down.

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SpeckledBird · 27/02/2013 19:18

Sorry Hecate, crossposted - yes, very young, he was early twenties, I was a few years younger. Not dripfeeding, but at the time we were living together, and he walked out on me.

We have talked about it, a lot, he's very apologetic about it all, said he wanted to get back in touch years ago, but felt too guilty, and wasn't sure if reappearing in my life would cause me more upset. I believe he's telling the truth.

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tinkertitonk · 27/02/2013 20:49

I might be projecting my own feelings here (gosh, that never happens on this forum) but: go for it.

SpeckledBird · 28/02/2013 12:00

Blimey, a consensus on MN

I'll be seeing him again this weekend when DS is with exH, so maybe, just maybe, I might possibly agree very tentatively to trying again. Perhaps. He makes me feel so happy you see!

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PeppaFuckingPig · 28/02/2013 19:43

Go for it, go for it, go for it!
And keep us all informed of how it goes

SpeckledBird · 28/02/2013 20:48

Absolutely Peppa! I hate it when you never find out how things end up after the thread fades away (I am also a very nosy person. Thank heavens for MN where we can cheerfully admit this).

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LittleEdie · 01/03/2013 01:24

A happy thread! (smile)

LittleEdie · 01/03/2013 01:24

Damn!

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Walkacrossthesand · 01/03/2013 02:16

IME (observed, not personal), relationships that ran aground when the protagonists were young, seem very often to be successful when there's an opportunity to try again years down the line. As a longterm singleton post-divorce, I only wish I had an old flame to re-appear like everyone else I exaggerate seems to - sigh!

OverlyYappy · 01/03/2013 09:59

I had one re-appeared via me stalking on facebook It was strange, it was 20 years ago for us too, he looked very old. It was nice to see him again though. Too many problems for us, we both have stalking ex's he has died once, and re-learnt how to walk/talk/eat etc I have been in abusive relationship and have PTSD and we have 5 Dc between us, so it's too messy, I may look him up again in another few years though.

Best of luck OP.

SpeckledBird · 01/03/2013 22:39

Crikey Overly. I think you should try it though

Walkacross I think maybe it's because the old flame reminds you of who you once were, before children, before adulthood. And although you can't go back, it's like a wake up call - you were once a person in your own right, not just an extension of your kids. That's how I feel, anyway. It's like he knows the real me, from way back, but also me as I am now, and he likes both parts.

Waah! Going out for dinner with ExB tomorrow night. I'm not sure what will happen, but thankyouthankyouthankyou for telling me what I should have known.

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