Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Trust

(59 Posts)
xxdriftwoodxx Wed 27-Feb-13 13:56:45

Hi
I have been married for 18 years, I would say the world thinks my husband is a lovely caring man who will do anything for anyone including myself and our children.
5 years ago I thought something was odd after I heard from my son that his dad had a new mobile phone which he only brought out while I was at work and when I asked my hubby about it he denied it until I caught him pulling out from his sock one day. He assured me it was harmless and with doubt and no proof I plodded on.
A month later I found out after he had a motor bike holiday "alone" he had actual been away with a lady and another couple , as friends. Again I had no proof, we did split up for short periods but I couldn't get my head round his denials and him bring this nice bloke made things more difficult to make the break properly though my heart lived in Limbo.
A friend told me that on one of our separations my husband approached her on Match.com , I felt I couldn't say anything as we had broken up then. After then I regularly checked the history of our PC and match.com came up a few times until 2 years ago I found proof he had joined claiming he was single at the same time I found old blogs he had written on a forum discussing the motor bike holiday he went on with "friends" describing the person he went with 5 years ago as his girlfriend.
Here I was faced with 2 things, hubby had joined a dating site and I had also stumbled on old posts he had written a few years before describing his girlfriend to the world when he was married and sleeping with me,,,,,, at the same time as I stumbled over these two different betrayals of trust I was waiting to have a Byopsy on a tumour. I wrote my hubby a letter after I got the all clear telling him what I knew and he came up with all sorts of excuses, it was an old account, the forum blogs were jokes, I didn't know what to believe.
Last year match.com came up in an old joint email , he joined again but no activity to go by, that was Aug 12.
Today I am mixed up, I tend not to stew over what happened but I just can't trust him and u find I can't move on properly with my life and because its all in the past I feel I have no right to be so selfish feeling betrayed and not trusting my hubby,, he lies about money too and after u pay off his overdraft if £1,500 he builds it up in no time at all and if u mention it I look like the nagging wife..... Are there other women in the same boat , how did you cope and what did you do??
Am I just holding on to the past betrayals or am I right not to trust him after so many betrayal ?

Diagonally Fri 01-Mar-13 18:37:43

Oh and you have every right to end a relationship at any time you like.

NO-ONE who has read your posts below would judge you unreasonable for ending this marriage right now. No-one.

xxdriftwoodxx Fri 01-Mar-13 20:46:56

Hi, if we split the house 50/50 noir won't buy a house or anything . Yes I do work nights but not enough to pay rent and bills x

cjel Fri 01-Mar-13 21:21:13

IMO finance is not a good enough reason to stay. You are worth a load more than this man. He might want to make it difficult for you but thats all it would be, difficult, he couldn't change the legalities of it. You will have a tough time sorting it all out, but it soundslike you are having a tough time now any way?

Diagonally Fri 01-Mar-13 21:23:41

You would probably be entitled to some benefits then...have you considered looking into that?

And if you are thinking about the idea of separating, take no notice of any stupid threats your H makes regarding money, maintenance, pensions etc.

Many solicitors offer free half hour appointments where you could get a rough idea of where you would stand if you were to divorce.

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 01-Mar-13 22:44:57
xxdriftwoodxx Mon 04-Mar-13 11:34:53

I would like to know if a deed of trust drawn up at the time we purchased our house has any value when getting divorced ? The deed of trust was set up in my favour as 75% of net proceeds go to me and 25% go to H, as our first home was bought with Money from the sale of My home I shared with my late husband and the remainder by joint mortgage?
I was wondering if it still stands in divorce, I am guessing not knowing my luck as this would make a difference to wether I am stuck here or not!!

cjel Mon 04-Mar-13 21:55:01

I'm afraid I don't have an answer but would urge you to get solicitor who does 1st consult free to check it over, if you are considering these things its time to at least know what your options are.

izzyizin Mon 04-Mar-13 22:13:18

The deed of trust you've mentoned will, of course, be taken into account in any divorce proceedings.

If it was drawn up before you had dc or you had additional dc after, I'm reasonably confident that you will have claim on his 25% of the net proceeds.

If you have reason to believe you may be entitled to legal aid, DON'T DELAY - book an appointment with a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law ASAP as this entitlement will no longer be available after the end of this month.

Many solicitors offer a free half an hour initial consultation which should be more than enough to give you an idea of what you can confidently expect by way of financial settlement/child support etc.

If you can't source recommendations from friends/family, locate your nearest Women's Aid branch here www.womensaid.org.uk and give them a call during usual office hours to ask them to recommend solicitors in your area.

xxdriftwoodxx Tue 05-Mar-13 08:28:57

Hi
The deed of trust was drawn up when my now husband and I bought our first house together , sorry but what dies DC stand for .
My other thought is my H pays into a pension which he will draw in 15 years, how is my share if we divorce calculated, at the amount invested now or calculated by the monthly pension expected at retirement? The solicitor I visited told me the monthly pension amount is multiplied by average 10 yrs, divided by half and that half is my entitlement and can be offset against his share of the house? Has anyone else offset their husbands pension and how did it work out? Xx

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now