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How do I leave my husband? Practical advice please(112 Posts)
MNHQ have commented on this thread.
After much soul searching I have decided that it would be best if my husband and I went our seperate ways. I know he will be very much against the idea but I am banging my head against a brick wall here. Thing is I don't know how to actually do it. We live in a rural area and I have no family support and only a few friends. I gave up my career before it started to raise our three kids now 2.5, 6 and 7.5 so I have been totally dependent on him.
I want them to stay in the same school so I need to stay local but I have no income of my own. I know he will refuse to go so I will need to do the leaving if I want it to happen. I know I probably have more rights but I just want it to happen and this is the best way. How do I go from having no income and married to claiming benefits as a single mum? How do I move somewhere new - what happens with deposit, rent etc? I really don't know where to start.
I was planning to start a 3 year degree course in 18 months when my youngest starts school. Maybe I would be better to start now but I'm not sure how I will cope. If I move from here I move from my friends too. But I can't carry on like this. I'm just dreading how he is going to react to it all. My friend has a terrible time with her ex and I know that my husband will be just as bad if not worse if I announce I really am going. What shall I do? I am terrified of all I will be giving up. We have a near perfect life here. Its a fantastic place. But I can never live up to his exactling standards and I am sick of being made to feel bad about myself. I know it will be hard but surely in the long run I will feel better about myself.
(I've changed my username just in case)
Firstly, are you really sure you want to leave? Have you discussed with him these 'exacting standards' you are finding so hard? Obviously I don't know how often you have spoken to him about this but maybe if he knows the option is lowering standards or losing you, he may capitulate.
It worries me that not once do you mention if you love him or not. You do sound confused and as though your self esteem has taken a battering so maybe a session with a counsellor would help - sometimes they ask questions you have not yet asked yourself and it can make things clearer.
On a practical note I think the first thing you need to do is check with the citizens advice bureau exactly what you would be entitled to regarding re-housing/benefits etc, then at least you are making an informed decision.
Also contact the college to see what they offer regarding childcare/creche etc.
Good luck and post how you get on.
Have you tried marriage guidance, i am sure you have been told it anyway. Have you seen the cab to get advice on benefits etc?
I left my x husband a fair few years back and i didnt have kids them, do now, but i told him i was leaving him and then went to my parents for a few days and sorted out new accomodation to start about a week later.
It is possible, do you know how much rent will be needed for a house in your area and how much councilo tax etc? Could you get a property paper and have a look and maybe call a couple of landlords and see if they will take dss as alot wont. Sorry cant help you more but wish you the best of luck and i wouldnt delay in seeing the cab even maybe before you tell him you are going. (I didnt claim any benefits so not sure of timelines)
Are you planning to divorce your husband Movingon? If you divorce your husband then the priority for the courts will be the housing of the children. Any finances that you have jointly will be split to ensure that the children & their primary carer are housed in the best way possible given the money available.
In the very short-term, if you have no income available & you think that your husband will not move out, then you had better get in touch with your local authority about public housing.
I really think you should try to avoid moving out of the family home if at all possible. I think you should talk to your husband & tell him that you that you think the marriage is over & ask him if he would consider moving out.
Divorce is not at all pleasant. I've been there & done it. Have you tried counselling and other ways of trying to sort out your marriage?
I left mine because i didnt want to live with his friend who lived there aswell as he would be over all the time, if it happened now i wouldnt leave.
I know I have rights to the house but I also know how hard he will make it if I suggest he goes. He will just refuse. He has an answer for everything. If this is going to happen then I have to make it happen. I do love him but I hate the person he is becoming and he has never seemed happy with the person I am. I'm not doing this lightly. We've been together a decade now and I've got three kids to condsider. The whole thing is horrible. But I am not materialistic. If I have to give up the house to get my freedom then he can have it. I've looked at the rental market locally and its going to be about £600 per month. Horrible amount of money to throw away but inevitable I feel. At least the area is still nice and hopefully I can get a fair amount paid for me. My biggest challenge will be getting my course done so I can become financially indpendent again but I am sure I will manage somehow. He can have the house and everything in it for all I care. (well no I do care obviously but you know what I mean.)
movingon - if he wants to stay in the house and you do get divorced he has to buy you out/give you half.
I know you are not bothered but there is a difference between being materialistic and making sure your kids get their due and are securely provided for. You may have to swallow your pride/take a bit of flack but it needs to be done.
Does he realise you hate the person he is becoming?
Have you got any legal advice yet?
I know where you are coming from. My husband and i have been together for 16 years but recently things have gone downhill. He doesn't even try to make me happy any more. It seems that he just wants to live the bachelor life again. He is a crap husband and father and just can't be bothered with anything that doesn't involve hm and his hobby (which takes him out of the house every day for a couple of hours and all weekend)
We too have 3 children of a similar age to yours but he works from a huge home office so if i ask him to leave, i also make him unemployed and since he is the main wage earner (i only earn £100 a week) that wouldn't be right by the children.
We were each others first and only partner (not sure if that makes a difference?)
Any advice for me??
hi i have been married for nearly 17 years but we been together for 26 years, school sweethearts. we have 4 children 19, 15, 13, and 11. i want to leave him but i just cant face doing it i think i love him or do i is it just i am scared no one else will love me thats why i stay. we always argue over something but we always have done. but he does nothing with the kids at all he may watch tv with them but thats it. he works i dont i get dla low care amount amonth and mobility car but i still do everything for our kids what can i do for the best.
please help me i get so upset but he does not care i leave him notes cause we dont talk but he says he cannot be bothered with them i am so depressed.
Hi Nicky, If he won't talk to you, could you suggest counselling? If he won't then I don't think you have a choice you should leave him. Life is too short and you deserve to be happy.
not a regular poster, but am a year down the line from this so hope this helps.
I left my husband a year ago and took my two teenage children with me. we are in a rural area and I am renting a house in the same area so the kids can stay at their school.
I had been treated like a nobody for twenty years by him and his family. He cannot leave the house as his living goes with the house. Also his family are on the same site so there was no way I could stay. I spent 15 years begging for an improvement in our relationship. it never happened because he was 'happy'. I did a degree and a postgrad qualification so that I could earn my living, and tried to stay as I thought it was the best thing for the kids.
Doing the degree was a nightmare as he was totally against it, as were his family, so I had to try not to let if affect family life.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, I had a chance to leave 10 years ago, but there were no tax credits etc then, and I would have had no money at all. Now I have done it I wish I had done it years ago. The impact on the kids would have been much less, and I would have had many more years of happiness and freedom.
It is very hard to do it, and being on your own is not all roses....BUT...it is a million times better than being put down every day of your life, and feeling like a lesser person.
Have you got any money saved up? you may need to pay 6 months rent up front in a private let as I did as I have no credit refs as I had worked from home round the kids for years so no 'proper' job.
I get housing benefit and help with council tax, but I do work, although i did have severe depression for 6 months so couldn't work at all last year. we manage. The kids are happy, one is much much happier for all sorts of reasons.
I have started dancing which has saved my life. If there is a ceroc group nearby get yourself there.
If you want to know anything else am happy to help but don't want to bore everyone rigid with my life story!!
I am new to this message board but I stumbled across this topic today and would like to say that I think we all often would like to leave our husbands. If I was financially very well all independantly I would definately not be still with him. He is not a good husband or father and he lives for work and is emotionally incapable. So why am I still here? Well, the kids need stability and we dont fight, him and me. We just potter along. I decided to do the things I enjoy and live a life I enjoy and work that I enjoy and I can do that cos he brings in the major money. I think the part of me that wants him to be THERE emotionally for me ( ie being loving and caring towards me) is never going to get that. SO........I be loving and caring towards me and thank god that I have a lovely home and lovely kids and make and am making nice friends and sometimes yes, I feel lonely and wish it was different but I again look at all the positives and it seems to work. Divorce is expensive and everybody loses out financially. I would always advocate caution and counselling. ( we had a terrible time with Relate........they got us to talk about what we did NOT like about each other........we just got more and more anti each other as we gave it our attention!).
I think the media etc tells us we should have this lovely emotionally supportive relationhip with a wonderful husband ...........but actually the reality is two people struggling with work and kids and various pressures and just wishing they got time to get on better or are evolving differently and so trying to cope with that. The Ideal is probably unrealistic.
I know if my husband came home with flowers and a sincere wish to hear how my day really went and gave me some loving attention...I can put up with most things.........but I have found that I can be happy without the loving attention.......I have a lot of love going with my kids......
does that help?
I married my husband in August 2006, we have been together 8 years. Just after we married things started to change. I started to make more of an effort (in my appearance, in my home and in our relationship)and he made less, to the point where he had said and done a number of cruel things. Our sex life has always been poor and that just got worse (believe me I tried everything to improve it). I desperately wanted a family but he kept putting me off. "We cant afford it, wait till we get married" etc. Anyway, at the begining of last year, after a series of emotionally cruel incidents, I told him I hated him and wanted a divorce. From that moment on I wasn't going to rely on him for anything anymore or trust him. I decided to become more indepentant, emotionally and pratically. To complicate things further, shortly after this incident I met a wonderful man. He made me feel alive. He was handsome, intuitive, caring and willing to give me all the things I desperately craved - a family, great sex life, love and affection. I continued to keep in touch with this man. I wasn't very descreet about it so not surprisingly, my husband found out. I think I wanted him to, perhaps to see how he would react and also to see how the other guy would too.
I was going to leave him at this point but my husband got very ill. We discovered he had a genetic condition. Life threatening. He got rushed to hospital and had to start chemotharapy. It was only then that he realised that he did want kids and how much it meant to me. He also admitted that he hadn't wanted kids till this point and had been strining me along. I was so angry with him for so many things. I stuck by him and nursed him back to health. When he came out of hospital we agreed to try and fix everything that was wrong with our relationship. A year later and there have been some improvements although we still havent started trying for a family and our sex life is just as dire.
Not a day goes by when I dont think about leaving him. My husband is a good man, he works hard, we have a nice life. I dont think he has been intentionally cruel just selfish. I am still in touch with the other guy, I could bear it if he wasn't in my life.
Do I stay because my husband is a good man and eventually, if I'm patient and do things on his terms I will eventually get the family I want but forever feel unfulfilled.
I have tried councelling (my husband didn't come, I did it for me) but after several expensive sessions, didn't feel any wiser.
Not got much advice to give I'm afraid!
The only thing I would say is that life is very short, as I'm sure your husband's illness has made you realise.
You are not responsible for your husband's happiness though but the decision of whether or not to leave can only be made by you.
If you left, would you feel you had done everything possible to make it work? Sometimes the hardest part is admitting things are over.
hi i am a mum of two children 8 and five and am struggling to decide whether i still love my husband after 7years or not!should i really have to think about such a question so hard!Is this normal!I know he loves me but although he hasnt done anything wrong and trust has never been an issue i feel we have nothing in common.
Problems first rose in my mind a year after we were married but i have resolved things in my mind and put it all down to having kids!time and time again. We have talked about many of my feelings but it is swept away again. He is always on mine and the kids cases about being ultra tidy they cant get mucky! he never ever plays with the kids when i am in the house only when i am at work! as we work opposite shifts.
I have a great home but manage most finances we have equal wages but i have to make sure all is ok...i always let the kids have what they want/need within reason.. I give in to my husbands nags about cars and bikes and never get anything for myself. but to be honest just having the kids around makes me happy. I feel like i am the rock when i want someone to be mine.. and i did tell him this..so he took on sorting out the car insurance and tax(still had to remind him!)
if i visit family i sometimes miss him but as soon as i am home again after 5 mins things go back to the same way. His family are not very supportive and his parents have no urge to make the most of having grandchildren around (no family christmas' or sunday dinners or outings!)but i have a good few friends. I miss my family and often resent having had to settle near to his. I am so confused and i really dont want to waste my life if i am not in love as its not fair on anyone. if i lived with the kids myself life would be so much simpler..finance is a big issue but i dont want this to make me waste the rest of my life! please could i here any comments as i feel so confused at the moment.
Hi, Lily, I'm afraid I don't have much in the way of advice, but I wanted you to know you are not alone.
It's scary how much your dh (and your life) sounds like mine!
We have also been married for 7 years and I am also thinking of ending my marriage. We have 2 dds and my main concern is the effect it would have on them. Otherwise, I would have left a long time ago.
I also deal with everything and have no one to lean on when I need support. Again, like you, I moved near to his family and have regretted it ever since. It's very lonely, isn't it?
I feel as though I do all of the giving and make all of the sacrifices and sometimes it p*sses me off.
We are going through a particularly bad patch at the moment and my family are desperate for me to leave him -they can see how low I am. It isn't straightforward though -dd1 is undergoing assessments for ASD and it would be a really dreadful time to upset her world.
All I can say is that you and I both deserve to feel happy. Only you know if you still love your dh enough to try to make things work. If you do, I always think it's worth a shot. If not, it might be time to do a bit of soul-searching?
Good luck. Let me know how you get on.
Hello. I realise this is a 'dead' thread, but I found it when doing a look up on how to leave my husband and it seemed like an opportunity to get some things off my chest - even if no one reads it. We've been together for 16 years and married for 5. We have a 7 month old daughter and I'm almost 4 months pregnant with another. I have recently found out that the man I thought I knew and loved, the one that still comes home to me every night, has a completely different side to him and it's breaking my heart. When I say a 'different side', we're not talking minor issues - amongst other things, he has been emailing private pictures of me topless to other men and appears to have been unfaithful to me at least once...WITH A MAN. He's also in contact with a lot of other women. I'm so heart-broken but also don't feel strong enough or have the financial security to leave him - especially at this time. I have tried to talk to him about some of the issues (I've only found out about the 'other man' in the last few days) but he would not talk about it, even when I suggested that our marriage was on the line. I am also in a rural area, only working part-time and will be stopping work to go on maternity leave in about 5 months. I feel powerless but also weak because a stronger woman would think nothing of getting out.
Came across this thread also. I don't think that a stronger women would necessarily think nothing of getting out. You are being hard on yourself. YOu have just had a real shock and you probably have a lot of questions for your husband. Alongside your own personal feelings. I think all relationships are difficult - could you go to couple's counselling?
You may not reply to this but you will be going off on maternity leave - try not to isolate yourself too much, if possible, have you any family support, friends who can help you through this?
florrybunda... am so to read your post. Have no idea what to say or offer in terms of help or advice, but just didn't want to let it pass without at least acknowledging your distress. Someone will be along shortly, I'm sure, who can help more.
florrybunda - sorry for you.
suggest you get urgent help, as you will soon have two little babies.
i don't know what to suggest, but it looks o me like your relationship should come to an end and quickly.
maybe get legal advise first?
I have been married since 2001. We have 2 kids ( 5 and 7) and we have our own (failing) business.
My husband works away mon, tues, thurs nights and i am left at home in a rural location. I have no family nearby (closest is 200 miles away) and his family are not in a position to offer assistance.
We are both directors in the business and personally and commercially we owe literally thousands of pounds.
This weekend my husband has told me he doesnt want to see me anymore suspecting an affair (totaly unfounded and untrue - i have never been anything but faithful to him). He has left the home to stay in this rented flat (the one he stays in when working away).
The business was my main job and i havent been earning anything from it for months, we have been living off my husbands contract money which he still has.
My big concern is a financial one. Once he files for divorce i will lose my job as well as my life. other than the businss i am trained in nothing and have no skills to enable me to get a job that will pay for childcare.
I have just read the post by poshtottie and want to say that I am in the process of leaving my husband I told him 2 years ago I was only here for our two girls ages 7 and 13.
A year ago I met someone else and he and I are going to rent a place around the corner from where I am now so the girls can still see their dad.
The man in my life is also living in the same house as his wife although they too have been living seperate lives for a long time, there only child is now none dependant and no longer lives at home.
He lives 2 hours away from me so he would have to get a job transfer.
My question is anyone can help is...
IF the man in my life goes to pack his cases and suddenly decides to get cold feet and does not move into the rental place we have arranged (in his name) would I be entitled to benefits or would this be classed as intentionally making myself homeless as I could not afford the rent on my own as I only work part time to fit around m children's schooling. HELP!!!!
How sure are you that this man and his wife are living seperate lives?
I could have written your post two years ago.
I was very settled and happy in the area, but very unhappy with the children's Dad. I knew the relationship was dead, but I'd let myself be backed into a corner where I wasn't earning any more, and I had no rights at all as we weren't married.
I mulled it all over in my head miserably for ages before I actually left. Some days I was happy. Some days I thought I could go on, because I was basically a glass half full sort of person, and I had good friends.
But eventually I realised I couldn't do it. I couldn't revolve my life around 'an area'. So, I had to take my dc1 out of school. Luckily he was only in reception, but it was a good school.
I realised that I could sit down with a calculator and to the maths as many times as I liked, but I would never be able to earn enough and pay childcare for two. So, I moved back in with my parents.
Not every girl's dream. But I'm a lot happier. I feel a lot lighter. I feel like things are getting better. I'm saving money, I'm going to start a course soon. (my x would never really have given his whole-hearted support to my re-training) but my parents will.
If I ever meet somebody, living with my parents could be problematic, but in 18 months I've saved 18k. I could never, ever have done that if I weren't living with my parents. For now, the way I feel, man shman, I want to save. WHen I have more financial security I can even begin to think about that side of my life.
My children settled really quickly. My dc1 has loads of new friends. The friends in old area have been almost forgotten, perhaps that's a little sad. But DON@T stay with a man you're not happy with because you like the area. That's what I almost did.
I will have my own place one day. I will get so much joy from it when that day comes. And now, because I'm living with my parents and have their support it is not an impossible pipe dream. I'd rather save for the future than have privacy right now. That's not to say that it's not hard and we do fall out from time to time. But I'd rather this occassional claustrophia than the drudgery of operating at a financial loss every month.
In answer to the last two posts
I can;t be sure he and his wife are not leading seperate lives but I do believe him just as I could have been lying to him that I am leading a seperate life to my husband but then he believes me too and yes I have been honest with him.
I am not staying in the area because I like it, although I obviously do and if he is happy to move which he has said he is then at least my children are near their dad and do not have the added pressure of moving schools, I know children adapt easy and sometimes needs must, I will just consider myself lucky if it does work out with my new partner and the children don;t have to move schools or meet new friends.
My concern is still the same as before though and that is would I be intentionally making myself homeless if I intend to start a new life with a new partner and it does not work??
THe issue about becoming "intentionally homeless" is not relevant for whether you are entitled to benefits, but is relevant if you are trying to show that your local authority has a duty to house you because you have become homeless. If you are living on your own with your children then you may be entitled to local housing allowance and council tax benefit depending on your income and capital.
I live in Army accommodation and my husband has says he flatly refuses to move out and won't give me any money to live anywhere else. I am a recovering alcoholic and was doing so well for 8 months but I truly feel that I have to go before I start drinking heavily again. He drinks heavily, in front of me and won't come out with me to anything. My children are all in their 20s although one lives at home. I am fine if she is in the house but when the two of us are on our own and he starts drinking I feel I'm going mad. I think that I will only get totally healthy and happy if I go.
When did you last have a holiday. By yourself?
Do you have any relatives left alive that you can stay with for a month?
It is not writ in stone that the man shall work and the woman shall stay home, clean, cook and look after the children.
What have you tried to get him to stop nagging? How would he react if you dumped him with looking after the children for a month? Would he cope, or would he be begging you to return, on any terms you name?
ive been wanting to leave my husband for a couple of months but im scared too as we have 3kids and i work mornings.ive mentioned it to him before and he says he will change and be more of a husband to me.i just don't feel the same love for him when we got married and its not right being in a relationship that doesnt work properly.i love the house were living in and the job im in but also am worried that he might do something silly and try to take the kids away from me.please i need some advice!!
SamandChloe I'm really sorry I don't have any advice but know where you're coming from...My relationship with dh doesn't work properly at all, it's so damaged, mainly due to him.
I frequently tell him he should leave, I want a divorce, etc but he won't. The only reason is the kids. He acts like butter wouldn't melt around them (and anyone else) but treats me so cruelly and carelessly.
It's not so easy for me to leave. I have no family close by and I work from home as a CM so i have to be here for work. There's also school etc. DD was a little terror when she was younger but is doing so well at her school.
Does anyone have any practical advice re. getting dh (or not so dh!) out of the house?
what a sad thread.
I would love to know what happened to some of the people who posted about their difficult situations going right back to almost 4 years ago when this thread started
am in same psotion...husband makes me feel like personal assistant...do all his bookeeping, housework cooking etc and never get any thanks. never get any housekeeping,have to filter it out of his money without him noticing. this is difficult as he keeps all his money in a safe. how do you leave someone when you have no money to support your kids...no answer.(angry)
bubble1 expecting you to do all the household chores whilst withholding money for housekeeping is definately a form of domestic abuse. He is keeping you under financial control.
I have been reading for hours now on here, looking for the best advice to leave my husband. I have found many that are very simular to my live. But im still very unsure on how?? to do this, i have been married 8+ yrs. i have an 5&8 yr.old,i am sooo unhappy!!! I have no one to lean on,and no money. i havent worked in 5yrs. And 3yrs. ago i was diag. w/a difficult cond. I want to work but can't,at times my cond. keeps me in bed for days on end. Who would hired someone when they cant depend on them?! Iam starting to see my kids being effected more &more by what my hus. does. I am scared!!! on how we are going to survive!When we leave or boot him out, i feel lost!! my kids have seen their mother go thru way more pain then any child should see. and i hate it!!!! But i dont know how to do this.My hus. is a selfish,mean,cruel,thing i cant even call a person. There is no humanity in this mans body!!!!! i am leaving him! i just need a little insite on how to get started, where do i start?? I just want to be able to wake up knowing my kids and i are going to be just fine.
Gosh, that does sound awful. May I suggest as a starting point that you contact your local Citizens Advice? They are generally very good on divorce/separation issues and will know all sorts of useful stuff about benefits. They can also recommend local solicitors who do legal aid.
Hello, I saw this and had to try and help!
there is a web site www.turn2us.entitledto.co.uk/ this link will put you on to a benefit calculater and once you've put in all your details it will tell you roughly what you are entitled to. I was very relieved when i did it as realised that i would not be stuck in a situation i could not get out of due to finance! im not sure about being rehoused by the council but this same web site will give you a link during the calculation to another site which tells you what you are entitled to if you have to leave a partner/husband and rent privately (all areas are different amounts (for instance my rent allowance would be £234 weekly) on average it looks to me that a woman with 2 children under 16 would be entitled to roughly £400 weekly in benefits. for anyone staying because they think they cannot afford to go please try this! its amazing the feeling that comes over you when you realise you have options! oh and all the benefit entitlments they give you are not effected by what maintenence you husband may have to pay you.once you've done this go to the home page and there is a section for what to do if you have to leave your partner. I really hope this helps someone best of luck ladies.
I need to know how i start to make plans about leaving my husband. He is a very bad gambler, and drinker. He is only 34, and acts like an older man. He has took out secret credit cards and loans to pay for debts in the past. I took control and took all of his cards and bank details off him, but he has his own business and deals with money all the time, so manages to get it somehow. I found a betting slip last week that had a £100 pound bet on it from when he hadnt come home from work, when he had sworn on my life and my 3 little boys life that he had not been near a bookies. I had a hysterectomy 8 weeks ago, which i am fine and recovered well, but he only helped for the first week then stopped helping after that..he didnt even have one day off work..not even a sunday.
He has been on and on at me for sex, which i gave in once after a few drinks, but was in agony for a few days afterwards..but he doesnt care..just wants it again. Our children dont have respect for him as he comes home drunk everynight, and neither do I. I cant take anymore of it, and dont know where to start. He wont leave, and i couldnt afford to live here, we have lots and lots of debts and arrears. I dont work at the moment, i did have a job in the evening, but my husband used to come home late drunk, and i would feel at my wits end worrying about the 3 children and i ended up getting severe migraines at work daily..so took 8 paracetamol a day for a month..then got liver failure and jaundice. So had to leave. I am going to start a college course in sept to start my own buisness. I would just like to know what i do first? we have also been to gamblers help and stuff....didnt work.
I didn't want o just read and run, especially after seeing your post about how your husband is treating you.
It is glaringly obvious that the man has no respect for anything other than the things he is addicted to and that you really do need to get out. I mean what kind of class A wanker lets you rest up for a week before going back to normal after his wife has had a hysterectomy? It takes at least 8 weeks to be back to a state where you can care about housework and day to day things properly.
The first thing I think you should do is call Women's Aid because they give great advice about all the things you can do to leave as well as go over possible problems that may arise.
I would also go and speak to your local council when you get a chance and see what help, if any, they can provide. It may mean that you end up in a B&B for a while or a one bedroom flat, but that has got to be better than trying to recover from a hysterectomy and liver failure while having to deal with an addict at the same time.
I'm sorry I can't give you any better advice than that, but I'm sure someone will be along shortly to help.
I have decided I need to leave my husband, we have been together 12 years and have 5 children, he doesnt work and his a alcoholic but has most of the money we get for the kids but provides for nothing. Im in council property in my name but he will not leave, the only way this is going to happen is if I leave. Does anybody know if i will get help with a bond/deposit?
I think you need to start a new thread this one is 4 years old now.
Something like "husband won't leave council property in my name, what do I do?"
If the council property is in your name I would think he Has to leave if that is what you want. I would contact your council for advice
I have been married for 20 years and have children so know were you are all coming from as it were.
I find these things really useful:
1) accept that we are ALL Numpties - we are all crap in our own way.
This means that our partners are also sometimes really stupid and annoying too.
The next partner will also be crap and annoying too.
If you still want to move on knowing this, then you should.
2) remember that NOT doing something is also making a choice - sounds obvious but it took me years to get it!
3) get legal advice BEFORE telling your partner you are leaving - when you are leaving a partner you will often try to get out of it without 'making a fuss' or 'being mean', but later on you might wish you had been.
My mother was advised to leave the marital home to keep things pleasant & nearly ended up homeless with 3 young children.
In the end she dug her heels in & stayed in the home, which was all that kept her and us from destitution.
Ive read all the above posts.
Im actually divorced, but Im still with my other half, we have 2 young children and I cant seem to leave him, I want to, but he doesnt want me to leave and so its really hard to do so. I work full time, I earn all the money and I pay for absolutely everything. He also works full time but contributes barely anything, he is on a much lower wage but he works for himself so im never really sure what he earns and he always just says he hasnt got any money, all the time. Hence we never go out and nothing romantic ever happens or holidays or meals etc unless I pay for it. I really really want someone to look after me, I dont just mean financially, but Im very tired all the time, working and with 2 children waking through the night and having all the responsibility financial and otherwise l feel like i run the household etc. The only way out I feel is if I met someone else, but then I dont know how to meet someone else when I am living with my ex as I feel obliged to be faithful, plus I dont have any opportunity to get out as I am always with the children at night. We live in a rurual location and I have no support from my family. If I ask him to leave my house he says he will take the children off me and I dont have the energy to fight him emotionally as well as hold the fort in terms of having the children, the bills, working full time etc. I am no entitled to any benefits as i have worked hard and earn above the threshold but I am up to the eyeballs in mortgage and bills as ive had to do it all by myself so I cant stop working or switch off the responsibility. He gets to just move back home and have full access to the children as his parents mind the children whilst we work, so he is in a stronger position to have the children and he will make it really hard so that i would only get to see them maybe every other weekend, and he wont pay anything in child maintenance as he is self employed and under the threshold (have tried going through CSA when we divorced and i couldnt get a penny out of him). I cant afford to pay the childcare for both children on top of all my bills (as they would no longer go to his parents if we split as he would make it hard for me by saying i have to pay for all childcare and he wont pay anything etc). I feel totally trapped and i keep weeping for no reason. I just wish i could meet someone else but ive lost all sense of feeling attractive as have been in a dead relationship for 7years with no sexual intimacy, and i dont want to start a new relationship being dishonest by being in a relationship with my ex. Help. Any ideas, thoughts or advice?? thanks
freshstart1 contact companies house, have a look at their website you can pay a small fee and have a look at company accounts (of earnings declared) - see how much he is declaring. hes basically living the life of riley isnt he!!! if he isnt able to contribute to the bills then his business has to fold. you need to start saving so you have an exit plan (or just for yourself). tell him youre no longer able to pay all the bills and that you want to spend more time with the children, say 3 or 4 day week. just say that to get him thinking that he has to start being a bit of a privider. did you say the property is yours? i can see what you mean about the childcare, you must stop and change your lifestyle, you cant be ruled by this selfishness
bear in mind the accounts only represent what he has declared, and they dont have to be submitted annually but they may reveal something
alos, why isnt he paying you rent if you are divorced???? it really doesnt make sense for him to have all this financial freedom?? and his parents accept you are slaving away like this?
i am desperate to leave my husband. I have no family and NOW no job or money. i have no idea where to start. :-( there is no talking to him at all and there is no way he will leave, not because he loves me but because he is digging his heels in over house(rented in his name). my child is not his. i have no child care or support network and am just stuck here. i am so unhappy but there seems no way out. i know this just seems whiney but i really need some practical advice. how do i get out????
I'm currently in a bit of a situation. Have mortgage with Hubby and his mother lives here too. I'm supporting them both financially. My few family members are not nearby. MIL is raising my children whilst I work!! Hubby showed no interest in me and has never shared a bed with me. He sits on the sofa with his mum watching tv till he falls asleep.
So, I'm leaving. It's not been easy to get to the point I'm at (moving into rented shortly) I have not managed to get help from anywhere!!! Citizens advice were no help. I have to sort out childcare and a school, cut my hours at work, privately rent a home, obtain tax credits and housing benefit. It's hard and it's not done yet. I've been very ill through the stress but I know it'll be very worth it in the end.
You need to try hard to get information and do try your local CAB for advice, you may have better luck.
Write a list of what needs to happen in order for you to get out and go from there.
I was too quick to end my marriage. I was miserable within it but the children love their father and were devastated. They have never forgiven me (and we split up 12 years ago). Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I tried repeatedly and for years to get my ex to co-operate with me to make our marriage work but he would do nothing. I wish now I had at least tried to go back to work and developed some interests outside the home - even in a very part-time job at any level. Hobbies need not cost a lot of money.
In effect I think we could have lived reasonably amicably as long as I lay back and thought of England, involved myself in work and did some sport and evening classes. Instead of that my actions in ending the marriage resulted in a devastating period involving lawyers and the family court. My children have never forgiven me for wanting to end the marriage - I could not have forseen what he said to them after I announced my intentions or what he did.
My views may seem extreme and anti women but I feel now that I was selfish and put myself first, rather than the children. It is simple to say that children are better off out of a home where parents are not getting on (and again I must stress that any kind of abuse cannot ever be tolerated) - sometimes they may be better off in a home with both parents at least one of whom works to better the situation for him or herself, even if the other carries on regardless. If you are little more than a domestic slave and someone to have sex with and your P or H simply will not even discuss the matter then you may have no option other than to leave or to be completely ground down and I am certainly not advocating the latter for anyone.
Just food for thought. If your own situation is intolerable to you and you cannot go on with it then get advice before you do anything else and certainly before you tell your P or H - from a lawyer, from CAB, from websites such as Moneysavingexpert.com (there's a benefits calculator), Shelter (for housing advice) etc.
Now I am contemplating living on my own when my youngest goes to university. I do not want a live-in man although am happy with a living apart together arrangement. I have the company of a guy when I want it, sex when I feel like it and the chance to do my own thing as well. Fair enough, I am too old to have any more children and others have that possibility and thus that pressure.
Situations are not always yin and yang or acid and alkaline, look for the areas in between. <Yes, now waiting to be flamed but before you do I am not advocating staying in a marriage at any price, I just wish I had done so>
I found this thread by googling 'how do I leave my husband'. It's such a relief, but so sad, to see so many other unhappy marriages. We've been together for 27 years and our twins are now at university. He has gone from strength to strength, he used to be awkward, socially ill at ease, troubled at work. Now he has a full time job in consultancy that he loves, a hobby he is successful in, he writes books. I feel he is surrounded by people while I feel like a shadow. I stupidly gave up my career, wallied around doing pathetic part time admin jobs while the children were growing so I could be there for them. We have always argued about everything and we have nearly split up many times but I always knew he would fight tooth and nail for the children and I have no family and few friends and so I could never walk away and wouldn't leave my children anyway. He says he loves me but sometimes I feel like our marriage is a Fatal Attraction type thing. He does everything which might sound wonderful but it isn't. Now that he largely works from home, unless I fight for it, he does the shopping, cooking, driving, dog walking, child caring/relationships, finance, I am always saying he doesn't need me other than as a cardboard cutout wife. On the other hand, he never does anything us-related - all outings, holidays, fun things are thought up and organised by me. There are no romantic gestures, no flowers, chocolates, barely birthday presents and those are things he wrongly imagines I might like because he has no idea what I actually do like. I think I've come to hate him but I just don't know how to leave. I don't have a job (I teach a few hours tai chi a week), my cv is a mess, I am old in a world of young, unemployed people. He is presently organising his glorious 60th birthday party, full of wonderful people. It's come to a head because he just invited a neighbour, someone I hate, a man who is openly rude and dismissive to me, a intellectual bigot, an egotist, deeply unpleasant. I feel that if he can't even take my feelings into account on this, won't even defend me against this man (and this is not the first time such a thing has happened, in his world of ideas and words, he has played with the image of himself as Judas!), then what is the point. I realise that I feel quite desperate, I just don't know what to do.
1950swoman, if you start your own thread rather than resurrecting an old one, you will get tons more responses. Sadly it's a common dilemma, so do post a new topic and you will get loads of help and advice
(psst - if you add paragraphs to space out your block of text, thus making it a tad easier to read, you will also get more responses from folk )
1950swoman, do you see yourself here this time next year, or three years down the line?
It doesnt sound good.
You choices, it seems to me, are
- to leave and throw yourself in at the deep end
- go for indiviudual counselling and think thorugh how to change your own life whilst thinking about the relationship later, or
- couple counselling, to air all this, and see if there is a solution.
In terms of 'being allowed' to do normal things eg shopping, tell him not to be a controlling arse and go anyway. He gets his own way only because you complain at him but let him do it anyway. This never works. It came up at counselling for me. And they only call you critical or controlling yourself whilst continuing to do it.
The people who 'do' have more control than the people who 'ask/argue for'.
Just make change happen, in one way or another, and stop negotiating. Or negotiate with a counsellor present.
You will be amazed how much he is capable of change, if you change yourself.
Mine certainly did, when this penny finally dropped with me after 22 years.
That's very reassuring Karen.
Blimey, this is plain weird. Resurrection of an ancient thread with gibberish
Selba Karen was recommending the services of a particular witch doctor. I reported it as spam.
Yes, I thought that might be our first MN witch doctor! I looked up the website ( yes, too much time on my hands ) . Utterly bonkers
I am wanting to leave my husband and cannot get the courage to do so. We have been together for 3 years and only married just over a year (not long). We have a son together who is 9 months old, not that my husband really cares if hes there or not he says he does but doesn't show it. He will get in from work and see him for 10 minutes and them give him back to me. He never feeds him, changes one nappy a day, never goes anywhere with him just one on one, never gets him dressed, outs him to sleep, bath him. he basically does nothing with him I am like a single mum and he is just happens to be here.
He also treats me like I am his mum too as well as my sons. I always keep the house clean and tidy, understandably he works so I should clean, but he will come in and leave stuff everywhere, he leaves the garden a mess too. he left me to pull down a shed on my own while he sat in texting on his phone! I cant live the life of having 2 children when I only have one.
I also caught him texting another woman and calling each other babe and kisses to each other. he also talked to her about me having sex with him. he also hid the fact that he smoked from me for about a year. he constantly lies to me about stupid stuff and I just cant live this life anymore.
I have said to him about marriage counselling and he says no he cant be bothered, then I said go or I leave and he said well im not going so if he is not willing to make an effort why should I. He also makes hints about my weight which is really hurtful. I have talked to him about everything and the way I am feeling countless times he just wont listen or care.
I would like to stay in my house because the lease is in my name and its my sons home. but I said to him once before to leave and he wouldn't go because he said im the one wanting to leave he will make it really hard for me. I don't know what to do. I really loved my husband when we got together and when we got married but I don't know if I do anymore as he has give up. I think he wont leave as he has another child with another woman and is scared of what his parents will say as that will be 2 failed relationships. we are young and all my friends and family think he only married me because it looked good in court for getting some days with his other child. but I got married for love.
I don't know what to do it feels like Im stuck here.
Stacey make a new thread of your own with this and u will get more replies. I think if its just your name on the lease you can make him leave especially if you divorced. Others with experience can advise if you make ur own thread. Sorry u are in this situation
I am a newbie, I have been married for 5 years to my husband who is 19 years older than me!! I am not been happy for 3 years at least, i have a 16 year old son from a previous relationship and he is my life.
He doesn't really like his step dad much as he is moaned at by him on a regular basis about stupid things that don't matter! My problem is my husband prefers his beer and sport, we don't go out or socialize and we may go for a meal once every 6 months! He doesn't help with housework,gardening,decorating or dog walking, i do it all. I only get to have a conversation with him in the morning for 15 mins before work other times he's drunk and aggressive! He made me have 2 jobs to his one so i wouldn't be home as much for my son which i have now figured out! my son lives in his room as he hasn't anywhere else to sit and i hate my husband but can't leave as guess what? he controls the money.
Stacy, you would be better starting your own thread as this one is years old ( And I initially thought you and the other stacy were the same person!)
If you scroll up, just under the thread title of this thread you can click to start a new thread.
Hi I've come across this and sat and read every one !
I'm 30 with 3 boys 9,7 and 1 all hard work. But love them so much.
I've been with my husband for 14 years I was 16 he was 18 when we met.
I just don't think I'm IN Love with him anymore ? I love him but I don't feel it enough for me.
Reading all the posts makes me feel like a total bitch cause my husband is a great person ! He works really hard In a job he hates he coaches our eldest sons football team and runs his own adult football team which we used to argue about all the time because he spends so much time and effort on it. It takes up Sunday mornings every week threw to 2 in the afternoon !
He spends sooooo much time on his phone talking texting organising football ! Now I've just given up caring !
I' used to work as a supervisor in debenhams which I loved even if it was a crap job. But I haven't worked properly since for eldest started school about 6 years ago.
I know a lot of you won't agree or may hate me for it but I worked as a lap dancer for 5 years. It had it good and bad bits but mainly I loved the attention and the money that came with it. But gave up as my husband wanted another child which I wasn't keen on. But gave in thinking it would be good for us. I think the dancing filled a gap I was craving attention flirting acting single ! Now I'm a bored stuck at home housewife feeling depressed. I was thinking I could go back to dancing but it's just papering over the cracks and will be in the same position 5 years.
I get on with all his family he gets on with mine to the outside world we are the perfect couple.
I know he will be totally devastated if I tell him I don't love him anymore and will try and make me work threw it with him.
But how can I spend the rest of life with someone I don't want to be with ?
what a sad thread. im in pretty much the same situation. gave up career for kids, now trapped b/c hes the earner. reading all these has inspired me to ask him to go to relate though...you never know...could be a happy ending! love to all x
I too am in this situation. Things are very difficult at home. I do work but cannot afford a place on my own. The local rents alone are 3/4 of my take home pay. He, of course, refuses to leave. The local council said I should move into a local hostel but they charge £250 per week. If I could afford that I'd be renting.
I went to a local charity for help. Their idea of help was to send Social Services, The Police and Mental Health to my house. This of course sent my husband into a rage and I got a savage beating. I'm still stuck here with no hope of escape!
However, I have decided to turn this negative into a positive. I would like to open my own hostel. One which is affordable and provides practical support. Can anyone provide any advice?
Jayde, have you tried speaking to women's aid?
You cannot stay there of he is hurting you are there children witnessing his abuse?
You are worth more.
Haven't read the whole thread yet but think I need to, so marking place to pop back later. Can't cope much longer with life at home.
If you need any support feel free to PM me bumpers x
Also lots of great support on here if you wanted to start your own thread.
Hi all, just came across this discussion and feel I have to say something. I have been married for 13 years. Have been living together for 17 yrs and have known each other since I was 8 yrs old! We have 3 children and I am very close to his family. I want to leave but cannot see any possible way because of the emotional and family dynamics.
Finances are not a problem as I am the sole bread winner and have a good job. My husband has never worked and just gets money occasionally through farming etc. I cannot see how I can leave him, so I just carry on with the children and having no real company. My husband is not a bad person. It's just that our relationship is flat. He is not interested in me or the children, so what's the point. I carry on like a single mother always doing stuff with the kids. He goes out with his mates. I do not want to grow old and lonely. I want so done who wants to do things with me and who smiles at me.
I am very miserable but am not brave enough to make the break.
hi not sure if il get a reply as this is an old thread but feel i need to vent
i have been with my husband for 11 years and married for 7. I have a 17 year old from a previous relationship and we have a 7 year old together.
I have never been an overly affectionate partner, I love him and tell him daily that I do but I am not the kissy cuddly type, nor do i have much interest in sex. Believe me I have tried everything to try to stimulate my interest but nothing seems to work. I do it with my husband as a duty and though i dont think he senses it, I feel so guilty as I fake every time. He had an affair which lasted a year with a beautiful girl who is 10 years younger than me, I dont think this helped matters as I was left with massive confidence issues, however, I did take my share of the blame for the affair as I am not as into sex as he is. I took my responsibility and allowed him to come back for the sake of the children, but he treats me as though I had an affair and is constantly suspicious. Commenting every time i look at my phone to the point I actually feel guilt for something I havent and never would do. I never use his affair against him in arguments I made it clear I wouldnt.
My husband has become more and more controlling as out relationship has gone on and is so subtle that i can never quite out my finger on what is wrong. He is passive aggressive and would never say anything out of turn, his anger is manifested in his actions. For example sulking if I say I am going to my brothers (but denies he is sulking), phoning me 3 times when I am out grocery shopping so that he can hear where I am, pre empting when we have a babysitter and jumping in with plans for us so that I cannot do anything with friends or family without feeling like I an cancelling on him. The list is endless and I understand that to people in abusive relationships it may sound so trivial. I was always a happy go lucky person but feel I need to tip toe around his sulks and emotions and rarely invite people over as I cannot stand his presence, he finds fault in anything my friends say and uses it against me in arguments. I find that I cannot stand him most of the time. He goes around the house sulking like a teenager, and my oldest child cannot stand him. He started off the most wonderful step dad but now finds fault in every single thing my oldest does. I am torn as the rare time he is behaving normally we get a laugh together, but more as a friend. I feel I love him but I do not like him most of the time and if we did not have our child together I would not be with him just now. I was always financially independant but now I work part time and there is no way I could afford to leave him (he is trying to get me to give up my job also).
I have read alot of this thread whilst sitting with a coffee.
Thought this may help somebody.
I lived for 16 years with a man that I met at 18 I was a baby when I met him and he was 32, he was like god to me house, job, freedom took me on a holiday.
Life was great 3 kids later a wonderful step son that I adore and now has 2 children of his own that I am nana to.
Bliss you maybe thinking and es my family were wonderful my husband was jekyl and Hyde i never knew who I would come home to. Id sit on the field near to my work and read for an hour before I went home just for more time out. Ive been hit, bit mentally ruined. I became nasty and cold back to him for the last 2 years nothing I did ever helped.
5 weeks ago my 2 daughters now 14 and 12 started texting me saying mum you deserve better we will support you with whatever you want we know you are unhappy and staying for us but we are no longer happy either.
4 weeks ago I walked out.
I now have a lovely rented cottage with 3 bedrooms slowly gathering furniture that we have chosen ourselves the home is full of smiles and happiness.
I feel contended, relaxed and my confidence is back I now know he was lying to me I arent a fat, ugly bitch far from it.
I left with 3 bags no money and no security.
It was the best thing I ever did bar having my children.
I am glad I didnt go sooner it was right time form my kids and me.
My husband is playing childish games trying to buy their love its not needed they aleady love him.
Im taking them over whenever they want to go and just keeping away.
He is playing all the daft cards saying I cant have the house I arent entitled to it he is talking rubbish and for now he can talk to himself about it untill he calms down and acts like the adult he is supposed to be.
Hi, I am 27 years old and for the last couple of years I have become so unhappy in my marriage. My husband is abusive and violent to me and now we have a daughter 2yrs old I need to leave. I have no idea where to start. I work 30hrs a week. I wondered if anyone knew anything like benefits I could get or a number I could ring to help me get out. will be great full for any advice.
I do not have the necessary knowledge or expertise to advise you, except to urge you to start your own thread as this is such an old one and people may not see your question at the end of it.
There are a lot of very knowledgeable people with experience who will be able to help you on this board, and you will receive a lot of support and compassion.
I hope you get the help you need and stay safe. Good luck.
Honey listen to me . I am a marrige counsler . I see women like you every day . Tell him how you feel . If it does not help then give him your papers he will have to give you money for the kids . Living on benifits as a single mum will be hard but you will get jobseekers alowence and child benifits and child suport . When all kids are at school is the perfect time to study but remember you need extra money . Maybe look around if you could do experience at a charity shop then get a part time job (it is what most students do)
Hi guys, I hope somebody still reads this post.... I find it incredibly sad that in this day and age so many women have come to this thread to say how unhappy they are and how trapped they feel.
A little bit about my story.... 15 years ago I met a boy.... We had twins 4 years later.... He was an alcoholic and was the loveliest man ever when sober. He was and is a good dad, but a terrible husband, he hit me a few times, wrote off my car when drunk, continually accused me of cheating(I didn't)and eventually tried to kill me when drunk with a 16 inch carving knife! Very apologetic the next day when released from custody, but I left when child protection said I would have to make a choice. The girls were two when I left and they are now 11. They have no idea of what went on. When I left with them it was so hard, I was so scared, I was half way through my nurse training. I thought I wouldn't be able to cope. But I did, I was so happy, it was bloody hard, I was tired, I questioned if I'd done the right thing, I still loved him and wanted to help him recover. Ultimately I questioned what was best for my girls, and I knew....
I was single for 7 years, didn't get involved with anybody, I now have a 18 month old with somebody else, and I find myself wanting to leave him. He's not an alcoholic, not abusive, far from it.... I'm just used to doing my own thing.... Not answering to anybody and I'm finding it bloody hard to accommodate him and his ways. I'm not sure what to do. I know one thing though, I can and all of you can do it alone if you want to!!!! You just need to make the decision. The rest is easy in comparison, it's the indecisiveness that's the hardest part. I hope your all ok.
why so many deleted messages?
why so many deleted messages?
Sorry folks! We seem to have a very persistent spammer haunting this thread. Please report any more of these v. annoying posts so we can zap.
I know this thread has been running for years but I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has been involved as you've given me lots to think about. My husband of 10 years (we've been together for 15) is in a private hospital, paid for by his family, for the whole month. He tried to kill himself three weeks ago after years of battling with bipolar and alcoholism. I've stood by him the entire time despite the constant lies, deceit, anger, aggression, mood swings, lack of energy, lack of love, total personality transplant, the spending, the collecting, the sadness. I still love him but that love is fading every day since he finally tried to kill himself. To get that call from him saying what he'd done changed me more than I realised at the time. I've been seeing a counsellor for three weeks since. Before that, when I discovered he'd been drinking for six months and hiding it, racking up thousands more pounds of debt and telling even more lies, I cracked. I started to have panic attacks and eventually succumbed and went on anti-depressants having been offered them numerous times to help me get through my various life crises (as the doctor says).
My husband is due to come home soon and I'm dreading it. I want positive change but after so many years I don't think I'm going to get it. I saw him in the hospital and he was manic and anxious and acting very bizarrely.
I can't just leave. I have two very young children, but I know now I cannot go back to living as I have been for the past 6+ years. I've spent years worrying about him, pre-empting, questioning, worrying. I can't do it anymore. I can't be his carer and I can't be his parent. We are both down on the mortgage. I took some time out to have the kids but have my own business and income. It's a growing business but it does pay me a salary every month. It wouldn't cover the mortgage and the bills so I would need to either earn more, get a smaller mortgage (!) or try to move house. The latter is not something I want to entertain - this is the family home and my kids are happy here.
I am currently weighing up what's better long term, living like I have been, putting up and shutting up, waiting for the kids to get independent enough and then leaving, which is not something I want to do but i know plenty do. Or, leave and deal with the consequences. I'm really worried about the consequences of my husband's behaviour on the children and cannot trust him to be with the kids on his own because of the lies, alcoholism and the suicide attempt. I'm really lonely and confused and only in my early 30s. This all seems so unfair. I just want a happy little family life with its usual trials and tribulations but this seems so so much bigger. What can I do? Does anyone have experience of this and have you got through it? How?
Mariagrant10 you appear to be spouting horse shit about love spells and 'dr sanjay'. How disrespectful to other posters in genuine distress. Trot along now won't you?. I've reported your post.
We've taken the decision to suspend this thread. Plenty of good advice has been shared over the years, but it's been a bit of a magnet for spammers, unfortunately.
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