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How do I leave my husband? Practical advice please

(112 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

movingon Tue 02-May-06 10:51:17

After much soul searching I have decided that it would be best if my husband and I went our seperate ways. I know he will be very much against the idea but I am banging my head against a brick wall here. Thing is I don't know how to actually do it. We live in a rural area and I have no family support and only a few friends. I gave up my career before it started to raise our three kids now 2.5, 6 and 7.5 so I have been totally dependent on him.

I want them to stay in the same school so I need to stay local but I have no income of my own. I know he will refuse to go so I will need to do the leaving if I want it to happen. I know I probably have more rights but I just want it to happen and this is the best way. How do I go from having no income and married to claiming benefits as a single mum? How do I move somewhere new - what happens with deposit, rent etc? I really don't know where to start.

I was planning to start a 3 year degree course in 18 months when my youngest starts school. Maybe I would be better to start now but I'm not sure how I will cope. If I move from here I move from my friends too. But I can't carry on like this. I'm just dreading how he is going to react to it all. My friend has a terrible time with her ex and I know that my husband will be just as bad if not worse if I announce I really am going. What shall I do? I am terrified of all I will be giving up. We have a near perfect life here. Its a fantastic place. But I can never live up to his exactling standards and I am sick of being made to feel bad about myself. I know it will be hard but surely in the long run I will feel better about myself.

(I've changed my username just in case)

Jackstini Tue 02-May-06 11:03:27

Firstly, are you really sure you want to leave? Have you discussed with him these 'exacting standards' you are finding so hard? Obviously I don't know how often you have spoken to him about this but maybe if he knows the option is lowering standards or losing you, he may capitulate.
It worries me that not once do you mention if you love him or not. You do sound confused and as though your self esteem has taken a battering so maybe a session with a counsellor would help - sometimes they ask questions you have not yet asked yourself and it can make things clearer.
On a practical note I think the first thing you need to do is check with the citizens advice bureau exactly what you would be entitled to regarding re-housing/benefits etc, then at least you are making an informed decision.
Also contact the college to see what they offer regarding childcare/creche etc.
Good luck and post how you get on.

jellyjelly Tue 02-May-06 11:03:59

Have you tried marriage guidance, i am sure you have been told it anyway. Have you seen the cab to get advice on benefits etc?

I left my x husband a fair few years back and i didnt have kids them, do now, but i told him i was leaving him and then went to my parents for a few days and sorted out new accomodation to start about a week later.

It is possible, do you know how much rent will be needed for a house in your area and how much councilo tax etc? Could you get a property paper and have a look and maybe call a couple of landlords and see if they will take dss as alot wont. Sorry cant help you more but wish you the best of luck and i wouldnt delay in seeing the cab even maybe before you tell him you are going. (I didnt claim any benefits so not sure of timelines)

rickman Tue 02-May-06 11:05:50

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ggglimpopo Tue 02-May-06 11:11:06

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Bugsy2 Tue 02-May-06 11:13:20

Are you planning to divorce your husband Movingon? If you divorce your husband then the priority for the courts will be the housing of the children. Any finances that you have jointly will be split to ensure that the children & their primary carer are housed in the best way possible given the money available.
In the very short-term, if you have no income available & you think that your husband will not move out, then you had better get in touch with your local authority about public housing.
I really think you should try to avoid moving out of the family home if at all possible. I think you should talk to your husband & tell him that you that you think the marriage is over & ask him if he would consider moving out.
Divorce is not at all pleasant. I've been there & done it. Have you tried counselling and other ways of trying to sort out your marriage?

rickman Tue 02-May-06 11:15:23

Message withdrawn

jellyjelly Tue 02-May-06 11:32:04

I left mine because i didnt want to live with his friend who lived there aswell as he would be over all the time, if it happened now i wouldnt leave.

movingon Tue 02-May-06 12:14:58

I know I have rights to the house but I also know how hard he will make it if I suggest he goes. He will just refuse. He has an answer for everything. If this is going to happen then I have to make it happen. I do love him but I hate the person he is becoming and he has never seemed happy with the person I am. I'm not doing this lightly. We've been together a decade now and I've got three kids to condsider. The whole thing is horrible. But I am not materialistic. If I have to give up the house to get my freedom then he can have it. I've looked at the rental market locally and its going to be about £600 per month. Horrible amount of money to throw away but inevitable I feel. At least the area is still nice and hopefully I can get a fair amount paid for me. My biggest challenge will be getting my course done so I can become financially indpendent again but I am sure I will manage somehow. He can have the house and everything in it for all I care. (well no I do care obviously but you know what I mean.)

Jackstini Tue 02-May-06 20:07:42

movingon - if he wants to stay in the house and you do get divorced he has to buy you out/give you half.
I know you are not bothered but there is a difference between being materialistic and making sure your kids get their due and are securely provided for. You may have to swallow your pride/take a bit of flack but it needs to be done.
Does he realise you hate the person he is becoming?
Have you got any legal advice yet?

shinypeople Sat 06-May-06 18:14:18

I know where you are coming from. My husband and i have been together for 16 years but recently things have gone downhill. He doesn't even try to make me happy any more. It seems that he just wants to live the bachelor life again. He is a crap husband and father and just can't be bothered with anything that doesn't involve hm and his hobby (which takes him out of the house every day for a couple of hours and all weekend)

We too have 3 children of a similar age to yours but he works from a huge home office so if i ask him to leave, i also make him unemployed and since he is the main wage earner (i only earn £100 a week) that wouldn't be right by the children.

We were each others first and only partner (not sure if that makes a difference?)

Any advice for me??

nicky201169 Tue 24-Jun-08 08:26:50

hi i have been married for nearly 17 years but we been together for 26 years, school sweethearts. we have 4 children 19, 15, 13, and 11. i want to leave him but i just cant face doing it i think i love him or do i is it just i am scared no one else will love me thats why i stay. we always argue over something but we always have done. but he does nothing with the kids at all he may watch tv with them but thats it. he works i dont i get dla low care amount amonth and mobility car but i still do everything for our kids what can i do for the best.
please help me i get so upset but he does not care i leave him notes cause we dont talk but he says he cannot be bothered with them i am so depressed. sad

poshtottie Tue 24-Jun-08 09:12:52

Hi Nicky, If he won't talk to you, could you suggest counselling? If he won't then I don't think you have a choice you should leave him. Life is too short and you deserve to be happy.

Gettingagrip Tue 24-Jun-08 10:18:30

Hello

not a regular poster, but am a year down the line from this so hope this helps.

I left my husband a year ago and took my two teenage children with me. we are in a rural area and I am renting a house in the same area so the kids can stay at their school.

I had been treated like a nobody for twenty years by him and his family. He cannot leave the house as his living goes with the house. Also his family are on the same site so there was no way I could stay. I spent 15 years begging for an improvement in our relationship. it never happened because he was 'happy'. I did a degree and a postgrad qualification so that I could earn my living, and tried to stay as I thought it was the best thing for the kids.

Doing the degree was a nightmare as he was totally against it, as were his family, so I had to try not to let if affect family life.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I had a chance to leave 10 years ago, but there were no tax credits etc then, and I would have had no money at all. Now I have done it I wish I had done it years ago. The impact on the kids would have been much less, and I would have had many more years of happiness and freedom.

It is very hard to do it, and being on your own is not all roses....BUT...it is a million times better than being put down every day of your life, and feeling like a lesser person.

Have you got any money saved up? you may need to pay 6 months rent up front in a private let as I did as I have no credit refs as I had worked from home round the kids for years so no 'proper' job.

I get housing benefit and help with council tax, but I do work, although i did have severe depression for 6 months so couldn't work at all last year. we manage. The kids are happy, one is much much happier for all sorts of reasons.

I have started dancing which has saved my life. If there is a ceroc group nearby get yourself there.

If you want to know anything else am happy to help but don't want to bore everyone rigid with my life story!!

HTH

SallyLH Tue 24-Jun-08 22:44:31

I am new to this message board but I stumbled across this topic today and would like to say that I think we all often would like to leave our husbands. If I was financially very well all independantly I would definately not be still with him. He is not a good husband or father and he lives for work and is emotionally incapable. So why am I still here? Well, the kids need stability and we dont fight, him and me. We just potter along. I decided to do the things I enjoy and live a life I enjoy and work that I enjoy and I can do that cos he brings in the major money. I think the part of me that wants him to be THERE emotionally for me ( ie being loving and caring towards me) is never going to get that. SO........I be loving and caring towards me and thank god that I have a lovely home and lovely kids and make and am making nice friends and sometimes yes, I feel lonely and wish it was different but I again look at all the positives and it seems to work. Divorce is expensive and everybody loses out financially. I would always advocate caution and counselling. ( we had a terrible time with Relate........they got us to talk about what we did NOT like about each other........we just got more and more anti each other as we gave it our attention!).

I think the media etc tells us we should have this lovely emotionally supportive relationhip with a wonderful husband ...........but actually the reality is two people struggling with work and kids and various pressures and just wishing they got time to get on better or are evolving differently and so trying to cope with that. The Ideal is probably unrealistic.

I know if my husband came home with flowers and a sincere wish to hear how my day really went and gave me some loving attention...I can put up with most things.........but I have found that I can be happy without the loving attention.......I have a lot of love going with my kids......

does that help?

Iwannabe Thu 03-Jul-08 13:48:21

I married my husband in August 2006, we have been together 8 years. Just after we married things started to change. I started to make more of an effort (in my appearance, in my home and in our relationship)and he made less, to the point where he had said and done a number of cruel things. Our sex life has always been poor and that just got worse (believe me I tried everything to improve it). I desperately wanted a family but he kept putting me off. "We cant afford it, wait till we get married" etc. Anyway, at the begining of last year, after a series of emotionally cruel incidents, I told him I hated him and wanted a divorce. From that moment on I wasn't going to rely on him for anything anymore or trust him. I decided to become more indepentant, emotionally and pratically. To complicate things further, shortly after this incident I met a wonderful man. He made me feel alive. He was handsome, intuitive, caring and willing to give me all the things I desperately craved - a family, great sex life, love and affection. I continued to keep in touch with this man. I wasn't very descreet about it so not surprisingly, my husband found out. I think I wanted him to, perhaps to see how he would react and also to see how the other guy would too.
I was going to leave him at this point but my husband got very ill. We discovered he had a genetic condition. Life threatening. He got rushed to hospital and had to start chemotharapy. It was only then that he realised that he did want kids and how much it meant to me. He also admitted that he hadn't wanted kids till this point and had been strining me along. I was so angry with him for so many things. I stuck by him and nursed him back to health. When he came out of hospital we agreed to try and fix everything that was wrong with our relationship. A year later and there have been some improvements although we still havent started trying for a family and our sex life is just as dire.
Not a day goes by when I dont think about leaving him. My husband is a good man, he works hard, we have a nice life. I dont think he has been intentionally cruel just selfish. I am still in touch with the other guy, I could bear it if he wasn't in my life.
Do I stay because my husband is a good man and eventually, if I'm patient and do things on his terms I will eventually get the family I want but forever feel unfulfilled.
I have tried councelling (my husband didn't come, I did it for me) but after several expensive sessions, didn't feel any wiser.
Help?

MuthaHubbard Thu 03-Jul-08 16:54:44

Not got much advice to give I'm afraid!

The only thing I would say is that life is very short, as I'm sure your husband's illness has made you realise.

You are not responsible for your husband's happiness though but the decision of whether or not to leave can only be made by you.

If you left, would you feel you had done everything possible to make it work? Sometimes the hardest part is admitting things are over.

lilyloo9 Fri 29-Aug-08 22:07:42

hi i am a mum of two children 8 and five and am struggling to decide whether i still love my husband after 7years or not!should i really have to think about such a question so hard!Is this normal!I know he loves me but although he hasnt done anything wrong and trust has never been an issue i feel we have nothing in common.
Problems first rose in my mind a year after we were married but i have resolved things in my mind and put it all down to having kids!time and time again. We have talked about many of my feelings but it is swept away again. He is always on mine and the kids cases about being ultra tidy they cant get mucky! he never ever plays with the kids when i am in the house only when i am at work! as we work opposite shifts.
I have a great home but manage most finances we have equal wages but i have to make sure all is ok...i always let the kids have what they want/need within reason.. I give in to my husbands nags about cars and bikes and never get anything for myself. but to be honest just having the kids around makes me happy. I feel like i am the rock when i want someone to be mine.. and i did tell him this..so he took on sorting out the car insurance and tax(still had to remind him!)
if i visit family i sometimes miss him but as soon as i am home again after 5 mins things go back to the same way. His family are not very supportive and his parents have no urge to make the most of having grandchildren around (no family christmas' or sunday dinners or outings!)but i have a good few friends. I miss my family and often resent having had to settle near to his. I am so confused and i really dont want to waste my life if i am not in love as its not fair on anyone. if i lived with the kids myself life would be so much simpler..finance is a big issue but i dont want this to make me waste the rest of my life! please could i here any comments as i feel so confused at the moment.

siblingrivalry Fri 29-Aug-08 22:32:39

Hi, Lily, I'm afraid I don't have much in the way of advice, but I wanted you to know you are not alone.

It's scary how much your dh (and your life) sounds like mine!

We have also been married for 7 years and I am also thinking of ending my marriage. We have 2 dds and my main concern is the effect it would have on them. Otherwise, I would have left a long time ago.
I also deal with everything and have no one to lean on when I need support. Again, like you, I moved near to his family and have regretted it ever since. It's very lonely, isn't it?
I feel as though I do all of the giving and make all of the sacrifices and sometimes it p*sses me off.

We are going through a particularly bad patch at the moment and my family are desperate for me to leave him -they can see how low I am. It isn't straightforward though -dd1 is undergoing assessments for ASD and it would be a really dreadful time to upset her world.

All I can say is that you and I both deserve to feel happy. Only you know if you still love your dh enough to try to make things work. If you do, I always think it's worth a shot. If not, it might be time to do a bit of soul-searching?

Good luck. Let me know how you get on.smile

florrybunda Thu 30-Oct-08 16:43:00

Hello. I realise this is a 'dead' thread, but I found it when doing a look up on how to leave my husband and it seemed like an opportunity to get some things off my chest - even if no one reads it. We've been together for 16 years and married for 5. We have a 7 month old daughter and I'm almost 4 months pregnant with another. I have recently found out that the man I thought I knew and loved, the one that still comes home to me every night, has a completely different side to him and it's breaking my heart. When I say a 'different side', we're not talking minor issues - amongst other things, he has been emailing private pictures of me topless to other men and appears to have been unfaithful to me at least once...WITH A MAN. He's also in contact with a lot of other women. I'm so heart-broken but also don't feel strong enough or have the financial security to leave him - especially at this time. I have tried to talk to him about some of the issues (I've only found out about the 'other man' in the last few days) but he would not talk about it, even when I suggested that our marriage was on the line. I am also in a rural area, only working part-time and will be stopping work to go on maternity leave in about 5 months. I feel powerless but also weak because a stronger woman would think nothing of getting out.

HelensMelons Thu 30-Oct-08 16:59:02

Came across this thread also. I don't think that a stronger women would necessarily think nothing of getting out. You are being hard on yourself. YOu have just had a real shock and you probably have a lot of questions for your husband. Alongside your own personal feelings. I think all relationships are difficult - could you go to couple's counselling?

You may not reply to this but you will be going off on maternity leave - try not to isolate yourself too much, if possible, have you any family support, friends who can help you through this?

clam Thu 30-Oct-08 17:31:28

florrybunda... am so sad to read your post. Have no idea what to say or offer in terms of help or advice, but just didn't want to let it pass without at least acknowledging your distress. Someone will be along shortly, I'm sure, who can help more.
<<hugs>>

twoluvlykids Thu 30-Oct-08 17:38:44

florrybunda - sorry for you.

suggest you get urgent help, as you will soon have two little babies.

i don't know what to suggest, but it looks o me like your relationship should come to an end and quickly.

maybe get legal advise first?

Hoothoot Sun 16-Nov-08 23:13:54

Hi,
I have been married since 2001. We have 2 kids ( 5 and 7) and we have our own (failing) business.
My husband works away mon, tues, thurs nights and i am left at home in a rural location. I have no family nearby (closest is 200 miles away) and his family are not in a position to offer assistance.

We are both directors in the business and personally and commercially we owe literally thousands of pounds.

This weekend my husband has told me he doesnt want to see me anymore suspecting an affair (totaly unfounded and untrue - i have never been anything but faithful to him). He has left the home to stay in this rented flat (the one he stays in when working away).

The business was my main job and i havent been earning anything from it for months, we have been living off my husbands contract money which he still has.

My big concern is a financial one. Once he files for divorce i will lose my job as well as my life. other than the businss i am trained in nothing and have no skills to enable me to get a job that will pay for childcare.

Please help!!

josie66 Sat 22-Nov-08 16:41:27

I have just read the post by poshtottie and want to say that I am in the process of leaving my husband I told him 2 years ago I was only here for our two girls ages 7 and 13.
A year ago I met someone else and he and I are going to rent a place around the corner from where I am now so the girls can still see their dad.
The man in my life is also living in the same house as his wife although they too have been living seperate lives for a long time, there only child is now none dependant and no longer lives at home.
He lives 2 hours away from me so he would have to get a job transfer.
My question is anyone can help is...
IF the man in my life goes to pack his cases and suddenly decides to get cold feet and does not move into the rental place we have arranged (in his name) would I be entitled to benefits or would this be classed as intentionally making myself homeless as I could not afford the rent on my own as I only work part time to fit around m children's schooling. HELP!!!!

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