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Interesting counselling conclusion

(109 Posts)
Mosman Wed 27-Feb-13 02:12:25

DH has seen a male counsellor twice now and the general conclusion seems to be that i have made all the major decisions in our marriage and at times rail roaded him into doing things he hasn't wanted. Getting a dog is one example, i wanted it he didnt.
Bottom line is though if i didn't kick his arse with various things we'd spend every weekend sat watching him play grand tarismo whatever so yes i have forced him to be a family man it certainly doesn't come naturally to him.

So are they saying this is my fault he's had these affairs ? It's escapism DH has said that all along.

You're right it wouldn't happen now. I think I read that you will be a high earner in demand there too, so that is a huge plus. I hope it goes well, you sound stronger than I am.

Mosman Mon 04-Mar-13 01:12:38

I have more support in Australia than in the Uk so it's all good. Plus I've spent every penny i had getting here and settling in, I'm damn if that'll be for nothing. My mum arrived back in the UK with 2 suitcases 20 years ago leaving my step dad and was fine but that was back in the day went you went to the council and said I've got kids and they handed you keys for something within weeks, that would never happen now.

I'm sorry to hear that you have no support system either in Australia or UK. From that view I suppose whatever country you will have the better life in is the one to aim for.
I was making an assumption obviously, I can only go on what I have read (or remember) and seeing you only just moved there I assumed you had left behind friends and family.

Mosman Sun 03-Mar-13 10:15:04

Well lucky old you to have family and friends to return to, I would live around the corner from his trollop and have no job and places at the schools nobody else wants so I think I'll stay put.
He's never been a support system, what you've never had you never miss.

justaboutchilledout Sun 03-Mar-13 06:00:05

Squinkies, I think you are making several big assumptions there! I have recently emigrated and I know exactly what OP means - there is no way in hell I would come back to the UK if my marriage broke up.

Why would you wait for PR and trap yourself and the kids in a country where he is your only support system. I would scupper the whole thing and move myself and the kids home to have the support of family and friends.
You have a small baby 18 years is a long long time.

Diagonally Sat 02-Mar-13 17:46:30

I wouldn't go to the cou selling.

It's not very likely to work, by the sound of things - if you don't have a conscience, you can't exactly get one installed retrospectively.

I'd keep your distance and start planning your life the way you want it, without him featuring more than being the father of your children

wallypops Sat 02-Mar-13 17:40:53

I would have un-happily spent my life married to the worst kind of twunt to avoid the shame of divorce. It turns out that I love being divorced, absolutely no shame involved, plus I get every other weekend off. Don't like sharing the holidays, but from my point of view that is the only downside of actually being divorced. If you want sex, go ahead and get some, but that does NOT mean having to live with anyone other than the kids - who will give you all the love you could possibly want!

izzyizin Sat 02-Mar-13 17:14:04

I sincerely hope that it is game over for him, Mos, because the losers will be your dc if you continue to play ball in order to keep your sham of a marriage ongoing.

Mosman Sat 02-Mar-13 03:15:03

I honestly think we can be civil and parent the children together after a split.
It's just timing as I said, I need PR through first and then it's game over.

mathanxiety Sat 02-Mar-13 02:57:38

Mosman, children can be just as damaged by living in a family where the dad thumbs his nose at the mum. I came from an ordinary, boring, happy family and have been a single mother since 2007 -- when I told my oldest DD (then aged 16) that exH and I were separating and would divorce she told me a load of stuff she had known about his internet adventures but hadn't felt she could talk to me about in case she put me in an awkward situation. She was relieved the whole thing was finally over and we could talk. I felt at the time of the separation that all I really had left were my dignity and my integrity but I felt those two items were worth keeping intact, and that the children would benefit from having one parent who showed an example of valuing her self respect.

How a divorce is handled and the emotional fallout on the children depend to a huge extent on the choices and level of maturity of the parents involved. You can both make a conscious commitment to limit the fallout and to be civil for the sake of the children.

Mosman Sat 02-Mar-13 02:56:18

smile

izzyizin Sat 02-Mar-13 02:46:29

Job provides a salutory lesson in the things that we fear coming upon us and, of course, history often repeats itself through generations.

Why did you hate coming from a 'divorced family'? Whatever the reasons, presumably you've learned enough from your experience to ensure that your dc have a more positive view of their dps living separately than you did.

Were so you so foolish as to let fear of the 'd' word influence your decisions, I would imagine that some, at least, of your dc would come to hate being the sticking plaster that keeps their dps stuck in a stultifying marriage and, quite possibly, come to despise either/both of their dps for being such abysmal role models for intimate relationships.

As for not picking another dickhead, there's no guarantees in either life or love but you can minimise the risk by discarding any who have form for illicit legovers and/or telling porkies whether to themselves or to others, and eliminate those who need to be dragged kicking and screaming to the plate of responsible adulthood and parenthood.

However, before you set about casting your net for another catch, you're best advised to spend a considerable period of time reflecting on why you want to land what could be another dud when it's perfectly possible to have an intensely rewarding and fulfilling life without having a live-in paramour cramping your style.

Mosman Sat 02-Mar-13 01:36:02

It's more that i don't want my children to come from a divorced family, I did, I hated it and I so wanted it to be different for them.
Equally I'm aware that if we are back in this situation in 5 years time that will be right in the middle of my eldest's GCSE's.

In my heart of hearts I know it's all over I do, but I'd still like an explanation of what went so wrong and how to make sure I don't pick another dickhead.

AnyFucker Fri 01-Mar-13 16:54:15

What's so great about this man ?

Mos, why do you want to sit back and wait until he decides he's done with you?

Wouldn't your self respect get a massive boost for taking control of the situation and saying "no more"?

mathanxiety Fri 01-Mar-13 16:34:56

Mosman, you have choices too. You can cut your losses and let him live his unhappy life with only himself to damage, or sign on for the futile task of trying to make him 'happy'.

He is perfectly happy as he is.

Mosman Fri 01-Mar-13 16:26:07

No I can't ever trust him again and as you've said he will leave me, I know he will when I'm 10 years older

Chubfuddler Fri 01-Mar-13 10:53:13

What izzy said basically. He's got form of marriage breaking down due to his adultery. As my grandad used to say, "if ones not enough, ten won't be too many". He's not going to change and even if he did, could you trust him now? I couldn't.

izzyizin Fri 01-Mar-13 10:50:56

We all have the choice of whether to be happy or unhappy with ourselves and/or with our lot in life.

He's got form and he's always going to be on the look out for ow; more cheap thrills to pander to his colossal ego and take his mind off the fact that he's a shallow twat who's incapable of making a commitment to anyone or anything except himself.

But sod him. What are you going to choose for yourself? Will you opt to live out your days as a deceived wife who's always going to be on the lookout for evidence of his wandering dick eye and will never know a moment's peace even when he's sat in front of her, or will you choose to become a woman who's learned the hard way that life's too short to squander on a philanderer who'll drop her like a hot brick should any ow offer him a more comfortable berth than she provided?

Make no mistake, honey. If you're fool enough to continue in this marriage, he's going to dump you the minute some deluded misguided sheila offers him a less demanding place to park his cock.

Mosman Fri 01-Mar-13 09:08:23

He just I think was-is a very unhappy man

Mosman Fri 01-Mar-13 09:07:31

He says he does I am the 2nd wife, first one divorced him for adultery too they didn't even have kids so he can't blame her for neglecting him

AnyFucker Fri 01-Mar-13 08:02:22

Is he actually having counselling to try and stop fucking any woman that gives him the green light ?

Does he actually want to stop doing that ? I don't get that impression. I get the feeling he thinks "Australia ! Whole new nation of women to fuck!"

Mosman Fri 01-Mar-13 07:04:03

I just wish it would go away and it would stop hurting

AgathaF Fri 01-Mar-13 07:01:52

Because he's weak-willed with an unusually sized ego? Because he feels entitled?

If you wanted to give the couples counselling a try, could you have a one-to-one with the counsellor yourself first, to see how the land lies, so to speak?

Chubfuddler Fri 01-Mar-13 06:11:19

And if that's something he wants to understand about himself there's no need for you to be involved in his coubselling.

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