Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Interesting counselling conclusion

(109 Posts)
Mosman Wed 27-Feb-13 02:12:25

DH has seen a male counsellor twice now and the general conclusion seems to be that i have made all the major decisions in our marriage and at times rail roaded him into doing things he hasn't wanted. Getting a dog is one example, i wanted it he didnt.
Bottom line is though if i didn't kick his arse with various things we'd spend every weekend sat watching him play grand tarismo whatever so yes i have forced him to be a family man it certainly doesn't come naturally to him.

So are they saying this is my fault he's had these affairs ? It's escapism DH has said that all along.

oldqueencrepey Wed 27-Feb-13 22:45:46

you might not be able to divorce him on grounds of adultery but you could sure as hell divorce him for unreasonable behaviour from what you've written here. What do you want to happen? What does he want to happen? If you know it's over you are just prolonging the agony... Good luck. He sounds like a twat.

oldqueencrepey Wed 27-Feb-13 22:46:26

x posts Izzy!

Mosman Wed 27-Feb-13 23:59:29

Australia has no fault divorces so It doesn't matter really about time frames but I have got to have been separated for 12 months and the other issues is our permanent residency isn't through yet - his application - without that I can't work in the country, cannot claim benefits, not that i'd want to but basically my children would be able to stay, I could not and I can't take them to the UK without his consent which he wouldn't give.
And I've given up everything to be here, my job, the house has tenants in it, grammar school place given up, we've nothing to go back to.

Mosman Thu 28-Feb-13 00:01:45

He thinks, wants to be a better husband and do stuff together - taking up golf and badminton hmm
When I work I out earn him by 110% at least, so i'm cautious about the whole thing, I'd give every cent to my children but I'm not keen on giving him a penny as he's drained me for the past 5 years.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Thu 28-Feb-13 00:06:35

So last week, he'd had an affair because you weren't witty enough. And now he's gone to individual counselling and come back, filled with the authority of a third person, to tell you that he's had an affair because you were too good at running the household.

The man's a total twat, and I wish you would stop believing his attempts to blame you. If there was any chance at all that this marriage could be saved, it would look like this:

"Mosman, I realise I have been a total twat. There is no excuse at all for my behaviour. I realise you will not be able to trust me or respect me for a while, and that I can't influence how long that while will be, and I understand that it might be never. But in the meantime I am going to try and be the perfect husband and show you that all that is in the past".

Not

"Mosman, I realise now that my inability to keep my cock in my pants is due to various failings, and indeed strengths, on your part. If only you were both a better and also a worse person, I wouldn't have snuck around behind your back and fucked other women".

AnyFucker Germany Thu 28-Feb-13 00:08:50

tortoise has it, I am afraid

izzyizin Thu 28-Feb-13 00:17:55

If your permanent residency hasn't been approved yet, I don't see why Oz law should apply to your situation.

The fact that you have retained property in the UK, albeit that it is rented out, gives you to the right to insitute divorce proceedings in the country where, presumably, you married and I suspect you'll find it will be more financially advantageous for you to do so.

If you wished to return to Blightly the tenants who currently occupy your property can be given notice to quit, if a particular grammer school doesn't have place there'll be others that will, and what you have to go back to will be what you make of it.

It sounds as if his suggestion of badminton and golf are diversions and unless the intention is that you only play against each other, you'll both be meeting and he'll be playing with members of the opposite sex.

It's crunch time, isn't it? What do you want to do? Abandon Oz and return to the UK with or without him or stay in Oz with or without him?

izzyizin Thu 28-Feb-13 00:19:44

'Blightly'? Shome mishtake shurely - can't be a Freudian slip, can it? grin

AnyFucker Germany Thu 28-Feb-13 00:22:53

Mos, I am concerned you are going to wait it out for his residency and narrow your choices even more

Stop bloody sabotaging yourself ! Can you see a pattern here ?

Mosman Thu 28-Feb-13 00:31:18

I didn't have a life in the UK really, my jobs gone, the schools I positioned myself for 10 years to get into will have gone. I might as well stay in Australia - and my life is starting to shape up nicely here before the 4th Feb bombshell I was starting to make friends and be happy.
Residency is a matter of weeks not months and then suddenly a whole lot of other options open to me.

Mosman Thu 28-Feb-13 00:31:52

I know I need counselling to see the patterns and avoid them, I know that.

izzyizin Thu 28-Feb-13 00:34:52

Do you have work lined up or are you reasonably confident you'll be able to find a job that will continue to ensure you out earn him?

Mosman Thu 28-Feb-13 00:37:41

I'm very much in demand in WA, this is my moment grin hence I'm not having a cock lodger benefit from my efforts.

izzyizin Thu 28-Feb-13 00:41:24

So what's the big deal? Pull the plug on his counselling and boot him into the out back.

Mosman Thu 28-Feb-13 02:17:35

Timing is everything

justaboutchilledout Thu 28-Feb-13 02:40:44

She needs to wait until she has permanent residence izzy.

izzyizin Thu 28-Feb-13 03:24:57

Fair dos but should you be tempted to view him with a less jaundiced eye in the intervening time, I suggest you remember that once a cheater, always a cheater, and this leopard's not going to change his spots in this lifetime.

Btw, in saying 'he must hate you' I suspect you're not far off the mark and, far from glorying in your abilities, he's consumed with jealousy that he's not as capable or competent or <insert any adjectives of your choice that describes your many positive qualities> as you are.

As we've got to the root cause of his angst in a matter of minutes there's no need for you to fund endless sessions of navel gazing for him because he won't admit that, compared with your talents, he's inadequate in a million years grin

JC67 Thu 28-Feb-13 04:09:34

I don't usually post but your relationship sounds a lot like my marriage. We're now separated as H left for someone else and I now know he's had several affairs. He blames me- I was the dynamic partner and he would never say what he wanted. He's very passive aggressive and told me he was jealous of me.

The thing that's helped me most is almost a year of counselling. I don't think anything could have saved our 20 year marriage as he wasn't willing to face up to things. Your husband sounds so similar - it is a horrendous situation to be in. Take good care of yourself.

mathanxiety Thu 28-Feb-13 04:59:26

Your H is taking the piss in a massive way. Has he landed these accusations on your lap? If so, he has some nerve considering you are paying for the counselling. Stop paying for his counselling immediately. Get a lawyer for the money.

Mosman Thu 28-Feb-13 06:38:58

To be absolutely fair, it's not him that's accused but my interpretation of what the counsellor has said based on what he's told me.
The counsellor asked him how we handled conflict and H said basically we don't argue which is true, but there have been occassions like for example getting the dog, having a 4th child, buying a house where I did inist and nothing H said would have changed my mind. Now as it happens they were wrong decisions - you can't of course regret a baby and H loves the bones of him, but he didn't want the dog and ended up resenting it, hated the house and it was a bad financial decision - bought in 2007 and is a millstone around our necks. HOwever he didn't have any better suggestions or assert himself so much that these things didn't happen.
I will take that on the chin so to speak but I'm not happy that these things point to why he needed the escapism to fuck other women. I don't feel that is fair if that's where this is heading.

newbiefrugalgal Thu 28-Feb-13 07:46:29

Well I am you (sort of) in reverse!
Waiting in uk for residency so my DC have this for when they are older. If we separate or leave country before this they won't be eligible so understand your timings issue Mosman.
Difference is that I can leave the country as have his permission. I would be devastated to be forced to stay here and know I could never have any sort of relationship if that was the case. I've read DollyDownUnders thread and that's devastating.
It sucks how a partner/husband can fuck up your life because of his selfish behaviour in having an affair. Grow a backbone and deal with the relationship problems not have an affair!

scaevola Thu 28-Feb-13 08:31:36

mosman I think you are amazing in admitting that faults in the marriage were 50/50, that hard to face and can be bitter. But remember he was 100% responsible for baling out to third parties. After all, you were in the same relationship and didn't do that. And whatever you did, once he had exited, would have had no impact - you were playing against a loaded deck.

Mosman Thu 28-Feb-13 09:39:37

That's a really good way of looking at it, thank you

Imaginethat Thu 28-Feb-13 09:54:25

Thing is, the fault and blame is almost beside the point. You're living with someone who you no longer love or trust and it's time to change that. But you do need to tread carefully, to sort out residency and so on before divorcing. Else you may find yourself in a terrible situation whereby your dh and DC have residency but you have to leave.

Mosman Fri 01-Mar-13 01:53:42

We spoke last night and he's fine with getting residency sorted and splitting his pension, the house, everything 50/50
He still wants to try and work it through.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now