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Instant and violent dislike of my mums new boyfriend, especially around the children.

(56 Posts)
SundaysGirl Tue 26-Feb-13 10:23:36

My mum has met and moved in with someone very quickly, within six months. When she first met him I was immediately uncomfortable because of the comments she made about him being domineering, wanting things his way, making sure she was aware of his life and how she ought to fit in with it. Since she has been with him she has quickly gone from her usual self to everything being a 'unit', much as you would expect from a long standing married couple.

She has stopped coming over to the town where all her children live, cancels plans and whenever any of us ask her if she wants to do anything her first reaction is 'I need to check what partner is doing first'.

All of this is worrying in of itself and I feel he is very controlling.

However my main issue is my reaction to him around my child and my nieces and nephews. I have had a basic gut reaction of extreme aversion to him, to the point where him picking up my son and cuddling him made me want to leap over the room and hit him.

When I saw him with all the other children my reaction was the same. He spent the first time he met them all focusing almost exclusively on them, asked them all for cuddles and had them all sat on his lap. When I raised this with my mum and said I found it inappropriate to be holding them, cuddling them, resting his hand on the youngest one's bottom and generally forcing hugs on them on the first meeting she said he had raised this himself that evening and was 'worried' the children had all been so 'affectionate' to him, but that 'they came to him'.

My mum is now being pretty forceful in asking us all to visit him at his house with them both there, my sister went and said she felt uncomfortable and that it was similar behaviour.

I am basically refusing to have him anywhere near my son, I cannot explain how strongly my reaction is to him, I feel sick even thinking about him being in the same room as my son and this was my instant reaction and has only got worse and more strong.

Since obviously all his behaviour can be explained away innocently I am in the position of coming across hysterical but I cannot emphasise how strong my feelings are enough on a gut level, and also I have NEVER had this reaction to anyone before. I have been 100% fine with other men my mum has seen over the years and how they are around my son.

So I guess my question is two-fold. Have any of you ever had such a strong reaction like this and what did you do about it? And also what should I do moving forward. She is now getting divorce papers for her current marriage (my step dad) and I fear a swift engagement is on the cards.

Am I massively over reacting?

HecateWhoopass Wed 27-Feb-13 20:55:06

It is possible that he has targeted your mother in order to gain access to the young children in the family.

It is possible that his motivation is to isolate her and his interest is not in the children.

It's possible that he is just hugely inappropriate with no sinister motivations towards the children.

He may be an out and out arsehole who is abusive to women he is in relationships with.

tbh, I don't think it matters. - well, clearly it MATTERS - your poor mum has hitched her wagon to him! I am just talking about re the children. What matters in that respect is that you really really don't like him and you don't like how he behaves.

I would suggest you tell your mother that you won't be having any contact with him and neither will your sister and you will be keeping the children away because you are deeply uncomfortable with what you see.

I wonder if it would be a good or bad idea to tell her that you intend to have him checked out by the police. I can see that IF he is a danger to children, that may scare him off and he would leg it, perhaps if he has been flagged up before. OTOH, it may cause him to further isolate your mum, if that's his motivation, or he may become abusive.

I'm just thinking 'aloud' with the above. thinking of options and outcomes.

Dromedary Wed 27-Feb-13 20:43:44

I had a BF who was sexually abused by a scout master on scouting camp. I'm afraid that his behaviour plus being a scout master rings alarm bells. I suppose to give him lots of benefit of the doubt he could just be someone who really enjoys being with chilren. Not worth risking though.

deste Wed 27-Feb-13 20:25:35

The convicted paedophile I knew was also a scout leader but he committed suicide before his court case. I am not saying you mothers partner is but it would be a concern to me.

northlight Wed 27-Feb-13 17:21:51

And the two I know of through personal contacts were a school teacher and a Sunday school teacher. They go where children are.

However, many men want to work with children in after school clubs etc for wholly laudable reasons. Don't tar them all with the same brush.

BeCool Wed 27-Feb-13 10:52:43

Don't mean to be inflammatory so I'm just going to stick to the facts in my experience - the convicted paedophile I was referring to in my post above, was also a Scout Leader (prior to his conviction that is).

northlight Tue 26-Feb-13 22:12:26

Any sensible man would not act as he did at a first meeting with children.

On the button, magimedi. If he is a scout leader he will have attended numerous child protection courses and would know that his behaviour was exactly the same as that of an abuser at the grooming stage. Hence his remarks trying to cover this point.

At best he is a common or garden narcissist and, believe me, even if that's all he is you don't want him around your child.

I'm pretty sure your instincts are correct. Look out for your mother if you can but put your child first.

I have to point out that the Scouting Association has very stringent CP policies (because of past failures) and had them before such things were common. But as others have pointed out, abusers have to be caught first.

Gut reaction is really just a combination of your experience, skills and knowledge. Please trust it. Touching young children in an affectionate manner in plain sight can be all about breaking down boundaries and is a well known tactic in relation to abuse. i absolutely do not see paedophiles round every corner, and believe utterly that men can be as caring, nurturing and gentle as women in relation to children but i have red flags waving everywhere.

PoppadomPreach Tue 26-Feb-13 21:45:15

Please trust your instincts. We have instincts for a reason.

Dromedary Tue 26-Feb-13 21:44:44

I agree - his being a scout leader is not a good sign.

AnyFucker Tue 26-Feb-13 21:42:53

a "controlled environment" ??

what's one of them then ?

prison ?

You can't "control" a grown man's environment unless you place sanctions on his liberty. You can control your dependent children's safety though (as far as is possible), by listening to your instincts and ignoring frankly dangerous witterings from randoms on the internet

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Tue 26-Feb-13 21:42:25

Stay away from him. He sounds vile.

FastidiaBlueberry Tue 26-Feb-13 21:30:55

"What if he makes your mum very happy and becomes a very good hisband to her? "

He won't. Men who make women happy don't control and be domineering and isolate them from their families (which is what he's already started to do by making it so that she can't see them without him).

"what if in controlled environments he turned out to be great with the kids"

He wouldn't. If he's a scout master, he's been trained on how to interact with kids in a healthy, empowering way. The fact that he doesn't use that training, speaks absolute volumes about him.

Hissy Tue 26-Feb-13 19:54:22

Jimmy Savile would have passed a CRB.

Trust your instincts, they are never wrong. EVER!

Dozer Tue 26-Feb-13 19:38:27

If the OP reports her concerns to the Scouting Association, will her identity be hidden if they follow up?

Granitetopping Tue 26-Feb-13 19:33:05

A CRB or DBS as it is now is only a snapshot of an individual on any given day.

Was he new to the area? How did your DM meet him? Does your DM have any money or property? Do you think it's a bit convenient that his wife died some years ago and he has no children?

You are right to go with your instincts.

ScrambledSmegs Tue 26-Feb-13 19:20:17

If he's a scout leader I presume he will have been CRB checked? Not that I think you're wrong, OP, I agree with everyone saying trust your instincts.

Granitetopping Tue 26-Feb-13 19:09:27

I hope I'm not going to offend anyone - but the fact that he is a Scout Leader is a HUGE red flag to me.

IME your instincts are usually right in these situations. If it were me I'd keep my DC well away and try and avoid seeing DM unless she's alone. It's a difficult situation because you don't want to hurt her feelings or make false accusations or anything but I think it's your duty to protect and educate your children from/about these things (although I'd keep it light and hypothetical) - when it comes to their safety everything else takes a backseat IMO

SundaysGirl Tue 26-Feb-13 17:59:33

Hi all sorry for not being back sooner.

I am going to ask someone who is a police officer to make some background checks but obviously as with the CRB and so on they are only as good as if anyone has been caught for anything.

I do think it is sad yes in a way that suspicions like this raise their heads, but (and of course you all have to take my word from this but it is the truth) it is the strong aversion and gut feeling that bothers me the most. If it didn't I would probably explain away all these things and not be so bothered.

As to his history all I know is he has a grown up daughter with no children and his wife died some years ago. He like things the way he likes them and is loud and overbearing and expetcs to be the centre of attention and have things his way when meeting people.

Sister feels the same as me. My brother who has the other kids has only met him once and was busy preparing dinner and did not see anything with the kids but said he would take concerns on board but was basically too busy sorting out other things to even speak to him.

He is also a scout leader and has been for a number of years from what I can make out.

ModreB Tue 26-Feb-13 17:44:17

I had this with my DM many years ago. My eldest DS's (now adult) were both under 5yo. I had the benefit hindsight knowing that my DM had failed to protect me from another of her BF's (yes, she has had some real peachy relationships)

I told her that as she was unwilling to keep me safe when I was young, I was now unwilling to trust her to keep my DS's safe. I got the denials, tears, tantrums, being told I was a liar and unreasonable. I knew what I knew.

I stopped all unsupervised contact with my DM, even if she said she would see the DS's alone I just didn't trust her after an incident when she promised that the BF was not going to be at a family event that I couldn't go to, and then tried to get my DS's to lie to me when he turned up.

Trust your instincts. If you are wrong, you are wrong, the only hurt is a hurt ego on his part and your DM part. If you are right just think of the consequences of not acting. Hurt feelings on the part of your DM are much preferable to the possibility of long lasting damage to your DC's.

knitknack Tue 26-Feb-13 17:10:29

Yes - I have had a gut reaction like this (only once) and yes, I was right. I can only describe it as my 'mother bear' moment! I think it's instinctive - so trust yourself. Your poor mum! I'm so sorry - try not to shut her out, but equally don't let him be around your son. Will she accept you visiting on your own? I think you need to use your spidey senses about HER well-being as well!

magimedi Tue 26-Feb-13 16:05:09

I understand about the paranoia about 'paedoes everywhere' but so should he! Any sensible man would not act as he did at a first meeting with children. So I do think you are right to trust your instincts & I would see what you can find out about this man. Google, Facebook, PCOS etc. You are protecting your children, it's your major duty as a mother.

Iseeall Tue 26-Feb-13 15:40:58

I second the poster who suggests you find out more about this man. Have you met his sons/daughters/grandchildren? what about his workmates? Has your mother met them. What happened to his previous wife/partner. You may of course know all of this, however I agree with all the posters that say trust your gut reaction. You should keep your distance from him but do keep in contact with your mum. Nothing about this suggests a happy ending

izzyizin Tue 26-Feb-13 15:26:58

She has stopped coming over to the town where all her children live, cancels plans and whenever any of us ask her if she wants to do anything her first reaction is 'I need to check what partner is doing first'

If the above inspires some to suggest you override your gut instincts and ignore the collective wisdom of this board, I despair hmm

DialsMavis Tue 26-Feb-13 15:21:35

I did a course about child sex abusers (cheery) and we were told that they often say/think that children are willing because they "come on to" or flirt with adults. I am certainly not a paedo around every corner type at all. i think you should trust your instincts

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