I am expecting my dc2 (14 weeks this week). My ds1 is 2 and a half, very good and goes to nursery 3 days a week.
My problem is this. My mother in law is very overbearing/domineering and caused a lot of upset when I had ds1 by pushing to look after him on her own from week 2. Up until this point she came over every day to cuddle ds1 (not help). When I said I didn't need that kind of help she created a storm of a row and demanded to see ds1 without me present. When I tried to be assertive with her over not wanting to be parted with my new born baby she physically attacked me and was verbally abusive (I had just had a c section and she dragged me through her house, pushed me to the ground and stood on my back - this tore the muscles in my stomach and I was left with carpet burns and severe bruising). From this time on she treated me like sh!t and ran me down to my husband, extended family and gossiped to friends. This went on for some time until it upset me so much that I put a stop to it by insisting she see ds1 with me present.
She created many rifts over the following 2 years (all when things didnt go exactly her way), nearly destroyed my marriage by manipulating and pressuring my husband, ruined my sons 2nd birthday party by having a tantrum in front of all my friends etc....you get the picture.
She has never apologised or admitted her wrongdoing.
My husband and I have been through the mill with it all, but have come out strong and united. I can't deny that she did her best to ruin my experience as a new mum. I had a c section and needed time to recover and bond with ds1. All I got was her interfering and getting in the way of me resting. She also made lots of negative and condescending remarks during her visits.
My problem is that as soon as she knew I was pregnant again she started openly assuming she would be looking after the baby. She has spoken about taking it to her house and all sorts. Now that ds1 is older he will pop to her house to play, but only likes to stay an hour or so as she bosses him and is quite sharp in her manner (something he isn't used to). That's ok as he is independent, and its only every so often as there are some trust issues.
It's one thing to offer to help if needed, but another to basically tell me this is what's going to happen. Anyway, it's freaking me out because of the trauma I went through after the birth of ds1. I can't go through that again and am not sure how to handle it. I'm concerned she will blow up again when I refuse her help. I've been feeling quite anxious and I don't want it to ruin another precious time.
My husband and I have agreed that she will not be looking after the baby due to our experience with her and our concerns. Plus, we don't need it.
My question is: am I best to ignore her assumptions as I have not agreed to them, or clear this up now by explaining that I don't wish to have time away from my newborn baby?
Sorry for the long post, but its complex. Thanks for any helpful comments.
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Relationships
Mother in law who lacks boundaries
Ticklemonster2 · 26/02/2013 09:39
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