I'm a lurker but feel like I need to get this written down and ask for some perspectives as I am really worrying at the moment. I've been with DP for eighteen months, we are both in our early thirties. I love him and we have a lot of fun together but there are a few doubts that are starting to eat away at me.
I recently found out that he has a female friend who he has been keeping a secret from me and I don't know what to think about it. DP and I were sitting on the sofa watching a DVD when he got a text; from where I was sitting I could see his phone and I saw it was from a woman, with a name I didn't recognise. It was a platonic text which basically said: 'Hi, I've spoken to xxx and xxx, they are all up for drinks again soon.' I asked who she was and after much stuttering he admitted she was an old school friend but made a point of saying, 'but I don't really know her very well.' He was very defensive about her and kept saying she was 'a good mate' one minute, to 'she's just an acquaintance.' If he had given me a straight answer then I would have been OK with that but his vague responses gave me a gut feeling that something was wrong. I kept on probing (which I know makes me sound like an insecure loon) but the more I asked, the further he seemed to dig himself into a hole. Like he said he didn't know her name yet they had been friends since the age of 11 and he said the reason he hadn't introduced me to her was, firstly, because he thought I would be suspicious of their friendship (!) and so he didn't tell me about her, then he changed his mind and said it was because she was insignificant and not a 'real friend.' He then admitted he had always thought she was attractive and fancied her then instantly backtracked when he saw my face drop and since then is insistant that I imagined him saying that.
I said I found the situation odd and rather than suggest I meet her or do something to put my mind at rest he just said he would never speak to her again and that was the end of it. Since then he has never mentioned her except for when he is drunk and he will say things like: 'I was going to take you to [name of bar] but I won't because she goes there' and 'I swear I haven't seen her recently' - completely out of the blue statements that don't make any sense. He has now started interrogating me about my male friends and male colleagues even though he has met them all and knows they are no threat to our relationship. I feel like I can't trust him. Even though I don't have any proof he's up to no good I have a sick feeling in my stomach every day but I don't know why.
He is always wanting to know about my past sex life but he refuses to tell me anything about his previous relationships. He always says he can't remember any of their names or anything about them and I don't understand why he would do that. I don't think it is fair that he has to know every aspect of my life before I met him but he won't tell me a thing, he's like a closed book. He can be very rude at times as well, for example, whenever he has met any of my friends he will always comment on their appearance. His critique of my best friend was: 'Not a looker is she?' That's all he said. One of my other friends is 'fat;' another 'isn't very pretty.' He never mentions their personality, it is always what they look like and I find that odd and hurtful.
I feel like he wants me to be kept well away from his social life; I've met all his friends and they know we're in a relationship but in public he is very different from how he is behind closed doors when it's just the two of us. When we've been out to parties or to dinner with his friends and their girlfriends he either has a face like a slapped arse for the whole night or he gets blind drunk. It's as though he likes to pretend that he doesn't give a shit about me yet behind closed doors he can be the most loving man, giving me compliments and saying nice things.
I also met his work colleagues for the first time the other day and most of them didn't have a clue he even had a girlfriend despite the fact we live together! I felt upset by this because DP always tells me that he talks about me constantly at work...clearly not. I've tried talking to him about this but he just tells me I'm too sensitive/paranoid/insecure or his current favourite is telling me that I 'imagine things.' Is he right? Is this all just a totally ridiculous figment of my imagination and our relationship is fine? Or am I shacked up with a bad apple here?! If anyone could give me their opinion I would really appreciate it. Thanks in advance.
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Opinions Please. Something's Not Right.
CantShakeThisFeeling · 25/02/2013 21:14
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