Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
moving on with dh after affair(93 Posts)
hello. I'm new to the forums. for the past year, my oh has been distant. our relationship has been great at times, awful at others. we've been together nearly 11 years.
he has been very private, not wanted sex since august and reluctant to arrange anything in the future. I always dismissed an affair as I didn't think it was my husband's kind of thing and put it down to depression.
well, I finally found out last night he's been having an affair for about a year, by working out the password for his phone. he met her through work and for many months they just talked apparently. then in the summer they slept together. they've had sex no more than 12 times.
thing is, he's admitted that she's been like a counsellor to him. he didn't ask her to move in with him, but didn't not ask her. he said he told her he loved her, but that love was an infatuation thing, rather than a real thing.
he wants to give me space and see if I can forgive him as he doesn't want to leave me.
what do I do? I love this man and even when we had a heart to heart today all I wanted was us to kiss and him to hold me etc.
I don't want to split up, I just want him back. he's truly sorry.
I'm just so shocked x x
That's another reason people like this vanish after discovery - so that they can cleanse their phones and laptops, all under the guise of 'giving their partner space'.
Meeanwhile said partner is left caring for a baby unaided.......
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I know it all seems like we're getting at you but we're not.
We're just all women who have been through this and survived.
For what it's worth my husband still works with the other woman. I spoke to her and her husband extensively and we all put into place boundaries. She knew if ever she made contact outside of work hours I would smash her teeth down her throat and my bus and knew I would divorce him. I was lucky I guess as everyone at work found out about the affair at the same time as I did so I could keep tabs on him at work too.
It was sheer hell for the first year. But unfortunately husband wasn't in another position to get another job with the same salary as he has a complex job. I could have insisted he moved jobs to a much lower salary then we would have had to move and our marriage would've been under even more stress.
Then we had counselling. That really helped. Helped my husband more than me weirdly.
I no longer check his emails and text and hack into his Iphone backups but I did used to do it every day. But we will still have complete transparency with passwords etc. ie i even downloaded a key logger so i could really check on his computer history and check up on secret email accounts etc.
. I also made him give me access to his iphone remotely so i could see where he was at all times using the tracker. These were my terms and if he didn't like it he could move out. He was happy to do all of these things.
I know it's scary the though of all this but I think when anger sets in and you delve deeper into this and speak to the other woman and her husband things will be a lot clearer for you.
You will know what to do. At the moment your just incredibly shocked and wish things were how they were last week. Ie with you in ignorant bliss. They aren't though and you deserve to know the full truth for yours and your little girls sake.
I threw my husband out very calmly when I found out then 5 days later asked him to come back. I was scared he would run to her. I then spent the next few months telling him to pack his bags when the overwhelming feelings controlled me. It was not nice. My husband cried when I told him I wanted him to go and I liked it. I was in control or so I thought.
If you take him back you need to know everything and why it happened and then make up your mind. It's up to you if you keep him at arms length whilst doing this.
he is definitely sorry and regrets it. he's definitely glad i know. x
My husband deleted all his texts but I found a pc program that retrieved al his deleted messages. It was an eye opener.
last night when I found out and confronted him he said there was no sex and that it was an emotional connection etc. I only saw a few messages because I only had a few moments on his phone.
he text me and told me he wanted to tell me everything and that he did.
More truth will come out as time goes on. My husband denied a lot of stuff and I found out a lot from her. When I told him what he knew he said he hadn't told me as he didn't want me to be hurt even more.
A nice thought but is in fact called 'damage limitation' as someo e said previously. That's when I pushed him for everything. Took a few weeks and lots of fights but I found out (pretty much) everything.
I told him if I found out any more things that he hasn't told me I would immediate,y file for divorce. That's when the tears came. He was scared. My husband was truly sorry I've no doubt about that but the fact is he lied to me and had an extra marital affair.
If I hadn't of found out I have no idea where the Relationship would have gone. I think he was relived he was found out.
I never realised my wonderful loving husband was capable of such deceit.
Educate yourself on lying tactics. A website that I used was http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ You learn hard truths but the people will help you and toughen you up a bit and allow you think more clearly and recognise traits in your husband.
You are defending him op.
Re read this thread.
I'm not saying you must leave him. Me and my dh are working through his betrayal. But you are excusing him.
Had you not checked his phone last night he would still be sat on the couch next to you with you oblivious to his betrayal.
Do some digging op.
Please do not believe everything that's coming from his mouth. Not until you know, as much as you can, that its true.
You need to check e mails. Fb. Twitter. Phone. Get ow side of the story. Check computer history. Everything. Speak to him. Ask him questions. Think about what you know and question if its plausible.
Oh 1983 - how can you say: "he is definitely sorry and regrets it. he's definitely glad i know."?
Two days ago, he would have said he definitely wasn't having an affair. He has been lying to you for months. He is not to be trusted. - Maybe, given time and a lot of work, you'll be able to, but not now.
The most atrocious appalling thing and the biggest betrayal for me, would be that he let this woman meet your toddler? That is beyond contempt. You will realise this too, in time. What a disgusting user. On what occasion did he secretly use your daughter as a weapon to prove something to his lady-fuck?
God some men are so possessed by their weevily dicks. Pathetic nasty little tow-rag.
Have you rung him tonight and told him not to bother coming home? I would. No matter how much it hurts you and feels like you are kicking this remorseful partner and husband in the nuts, do it anyway.
Let him know also that you are applying for an access order so that he cannot emotionally abuse your toddler any further by allowing her to meet his lady-fuck.
though tow-rag is just as good - towing his lusty nasty, dirty, oily-rag little willy into someone else. Then playhing the Nice Dad Poor Me I Love My Darling Daughter card to boot.
Also, i wonder how much money he has spent on his lady-fuck over the last year? What did he buy her for Christmas?
And where does he keep the photos of them together?
From my experience, I don't think you necessarily need to know to much more about the sordid details.
He's had an affair, you need to get to the bottom of why to be able to move on properly.
Counselling may help, although its very early days. Your marriage is rescuable if thats what you both want although I doubt you will ever trust him completely again.
Worcestershire gives good advice.
I subscribe to the 7 year rule when it comes to trauma, it took me 7 years to get over a very serious car accident and approx 7 years to get over infidelity (although like I said, you will always have your doubts)
Take your time and take control of the situation (although I don't subscribe to the more extreme points of view being given). Make sure he is showing true remorse, you are the injured party.
But why would you waste 7 precious years of you life "getting over" something you didn't have to.
It took me under a year to get over leaving my cheating arse of a dh. We had four dc one a baby I had a difficult job and was getting over cancer.
I had no desire to waste another second if my life on someone who could be do cruel and hurtful to me and his children.
It's not easy no but for me far better than years if self doubt, buried anger and insecurity.
I also have my dignity in tact and the last 9 years have been an absolute joy not an uphill struggle to forgive someone.
You do need to start by working out if you actually want to reconcile with him.
For that is a hard thing to do, and possibly should not even be attempted unless you are both fully committed to the effort. It may take several months for you to decide. Do not underestimate how long it will take you to recover a decision-making capability after a major shock.
If he is breaking it off with OW, then ask him to do this by email, and that you see it before it is sent. No "farewell, my darling if only things had bern different"; rather "I have been cruel and selfish towards my family who never deserved this. I am going to do everything in my power to be the best possible husband and father. I do not want to hear from you again, and I shall tell my wife if you make any attempts to contact me".
You must tell her husband.
If you want this to work long-term - and your posts reek as if you do - then surely the absolute worst thing you can do right now is roll over and totally accept all that has happened without a backward glance or any recriminations to him...?
If you do roll over snd simply sweep this under the carpet, you're green-lighting this happening again in the future, you're completely eroding any respect he has for you, and you're buidling up masses of resentment towards him.
It might feel counter-intuitive, but the best thing you can do right now, is come down on him like a ton of bricks, demand he move out and give you space and Not Accept This. It will also do a hell of a lot for your own self-respect if you handle it this way.
The dude's a snivelling liar. Let him know that you know he is, and act accordingly.
You clearly want to move on from his affair, but what about him? I can guarantee its not just a matter of deleting some messages and him telling you he's sorry. He told you:
He loves her and is infatuated.
They are planning on moving in together.
He confided in her as if his counsellor.
They are having a sexual relationship.
This is not something he'll just forget about. I made the mistake of trying to live with a man in this state.it was hell for me and took me to the edge of breakdown. Please give yourself time to think about what he is doing before rushing to make things better.
It'll be the emotional bond between them that may prove to be the hardest thing to come to terms with, plus the newly discovered capacity within him to lie so effectively.
As she is married too, the infrequency of actual intercourse is plausible as finding times when both can absent themselves from daily life and have a venue will not have been straightforward. But it must have taken planning time, effort, and a sense of purpose to achieve.
So sorry this has happened to you- life will never be quite the same again but from someone who has been in a similar position I can say don't sweep it under the carpet- 10 years down the line- me and DH are doing what we should have done 10 years ago so I can offer you this advice for what has recently helped me:
Counselling (definately for you - and him also if he will go)
Complete honesty and transparency - see the emails and texts if there are any
Reasons for it- none that blame you as you are not at fault
Having said that, now that you know- it will always be there and only you know if you can rebuild your marriage with this man- my DH's OW never met my children as they were very young and always with me at that time, that might have been a deal breaker for me if they had met her though
How are you feeling this morning op?
I'm worried that you are desperate to brush this under the carpet, and therefore won't get angry.
That's a vital part of healing, it really is, for both of you.
Maybe it would help to write down everything he's told you - both versions.
So first he hadn't slept with her, now he's slept with her 12 times. Were those protected? When? Where?
How did they come to looking at houses together? It's not good enough to say that he didn't explicitly ask her but didn't not either. Did he agree with her suggestion? How did they get to the stage of viewing places to live together? When were they going to move in?
Why did he introduce your daughter? That's a very serious step.
I think he has bailed on you a bit here. You found out he was having an affair and so he's agreed (after lying initially), so that you'll process that and forgive him for it. But what about the clear signs that show he was leaving you? He was making another life. That doesn't just happen. He was ready to shake your world to the core by leaving to live with her.
He's coming out with all the usual rubbish at the moment. I know you want to believe him, but it really is the standard "I've been caught" crap. He needs to get genuine and be honest, fast. And if he won't leave the script and actually try to put this right for you, I'd be concerned that he is still planning to up and leave, but is feeling sad and guilt at where this will leave you and so is biding his time.
thanks for all your messages. I genuinely believe what he's told me this morning. the way he is now talking to me is like the person I used to know.
whilst he was seeing her our relationship was awful.i felt lonely and depressed and didn't know what to do.
he's told me that it's definitely over and that he will do anything to make us work.
I know what you're all saying about kicking him out and not forgiving. but we were like best friends too and have shared so much in our lives, we've been together since we were 19, that I don't want to throw it away. I know it's obvious that he was ready to. but if that's the case, surely he would have said, I'm sorry but I don't want to be with you, she's leaving her husband, we'll be together. rather than come back here and tell me everything about what's happened.
he's not blamed anything at all on me, saying I pushed him away or anything.
my aunt's husband had an affair and she stayed with him, they have 5 children. she doesn't know what's happened, but I've asked if she could come round this morning x
Glad you will be getting real life support.
I really would get Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends for you BOTH to read - it helped us enormously when my DH had an affair.
This link is also a good one for you both to look at as it gives you an idea of what he needs to do to help you recover:
I know how easy and tempting it is to take things at face value at this stage - you are shell shocked and want everything to be like before. However, everything has changed and you will not feel the same and never will - its an opportunity to look at rebuilding your own life as well as creating a new relationship with your DH.
He will need to do some work on himself to find out what was in him that gave him permission to have an affair instead of talking to you, counselling etc. This means working on his issues and character failings such as selfishness.
thank you for that link. I've sent it to him. I've also kept a pen and paper with me so I can write down any questions and thoughts etc I may have.
he is coming to the house this evening to bath our daughter. after we will talk. he will then go to his friend's house to sleep.
I'm not saying to kick him out, or not to forgive him. I can completely understand why you don't want to do that.
I'm just saying that you need to keep your eyes open.
Everyone always thinks that their husband is in the 1% that is telling the truth straight away. They never are. He might be relieved it's over, and he might want to be with you rather than her, but it should never have come to this to prove that to him. He has crossed SO MANY boundaries.
Just be careful. Stay with him, by all means, if that's what you want to do. But look after yourself, and make sure you are getting the full truth. He's clearly a very good liar, as he managed to view houses and introduce another woman to your daughter without you knowing.
Join the discussion
Please login first.