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moving on with dh after affair

(93 Posts)
1983mummy Sun 24-Feb-13 18:22:23

hello. I'm new to the forums. for the past year, my oh has been distant. our relationship has been great at times, awful at others. we've been together nearly 11 years.

he has been very private, not wanted sex since august and reluctant to arrange anything in the future. I always dismissed an affair as I didn't think it was my husband's kind of thing and put it down to depression.

well, I finally found out last night he's been having an affair for about a year, by working out the password for his phone. he met her through work and for many months they just talked apparently. then in the summer they slept together. they've had sex no more than 12 times.

thing is, he's admitted that she's been like a counsellor to him. he didn't ask her to move in with him, but didn't not ask her. he said he told her he loved her, but that love was an infatuation thing, rather than a real thing.

he wants to give me space and see if I can forgive him as he doesn't want to leave me.

what do I do? I love this man and even when we had a heart to heart today all I wanted was us to kiss and him to hold me etc.

I don't want to split up, I just want him back. he's truly sorry.

I'm just so shocked x x

Possiblyoutedled Sun 24-Feb-13 18:29:46

I couldn't do it myself (I didn't) but many have and some are ok. There will be a few along to help soon.
The thing that concerns me though is what are the consequences to him betraying you like this? I know when it hurts you just want to brush it all away but surely he has no reason not to do it again.

Lizzabadger Sun 24-Feb-13 18:30:37

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

The usual advice is to ask him to move out to give you space while you think about what you want.

I think he's talking bollocks. Just imagine him still lying to you if you hadn't found out, shagging her (12 times, yeah right who counts?) and then coming home to you.

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 24-Feb-13 18:33:43

sad

The best advice I can give you is NOT to make any long term decisions. You do need time and space to process your thoughts and feelings. Also this will help the cheater realise what he stands to lose. This is why a short break is recommended.

I would suggest getting these books: Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends (she has a website) and Linda Macdonald's How to Help your Spouse Heal is a hard hitting but short book.

BamBamAndPebbles Sun 24-Feb-13 18:33:49

Do not just take this at face value and brush it under the carpet and carry on as before.

You found out. He didn't tell you.

You may well be able to move on from this but you need all the truth/evidence and you do need time and space to look at everything and get it all straight in your head.

You need him to answer any questions you have.

Take your time. Been there. Done that. And still working on it. It's heartbreaking and hard at times.

1983mummy Sun 24-Feb-13 18:48:11

thank you for your thoughts. I know it sounds like a rash decision, but although I'm sickened by what he did, I still love him and know he loves me.

basically he never wanted to have a baby yet and I think it just when all crazy when she was born. instead of telling me how much he struggled, he through work, found someone else, who was also having problems at home - yes she's married too.

I know he can't have met her many times as he doesn't actually go out much and he wouldn't have the time during the day.

what hurt me is when he said she'd met our daughter.

I'm just all messed up and probably sound week, but I just want him home x

Chihuahuas Sun 24-Feb-13 19:17:10

Hiya. Does her husband know? If not then tell him. Exposé them. This is important. If her husband doesn't know then there is always a chance they will start up again.

You have a lot of talking to do. You need to find out the truth. He will probably trickle truth you at first but keep pushing until he tells you everything. This may take a while and he will tell you that you don't need to know. You do!

Your husband needs to tell this women it's over Too. Make sure he does this by way of letter or email then make sure he never has contact with her again if he wants to keep you. You also need access to all of his emails phone etc. no secret passwords allowed from now on.

See how you feel in a few weeks. If you still want to stay together go for counselling.

I've been there but kicked my husband out then had him back. I won't lie it was hell but counselling helped.

We are happy now and I still think of it every day but it doesn't kill me inside any more. We've had blips since where he has 'forgotten the rules'. Transparency is the key. He should tell you where he is and what hes doing. Check in with you if you like. You need to be confident hes not with her And it will be hard for your husband to break contact with her. You cannot trust him at all at the moment. Remember that.

If you want to read his emails and texts then you should be able too.

Good luck.

BamBamAndPebbles Sun 24-Feb-13 19:28:53

Where is he? With the ow?

He needs to talk to you, not someone else.

How old is your dd?

Twattergy Sun 24-Feb-13 19:31:40

You need to take him up on his offer of giving you space. You need to get angry rather than coming up with excuses for him. Arrival of a baby is not a reason to have sex with someone that isn't your wife. You also need to refuse to be part of any relationship that involves three people. She is not going to suddenly disappear from his life and the whole time she's on the scene, even if its just texts or emails, you are being taken advantage of.Being lovingand understanding towards him will make him feel like what he's done isn't so bad. Telling him to leave will wake him out of his fantasy and his selfish life of having two women at his beck and call.

1983mummy Sun 24-Feb-13 19:42:06

he's at his best friends tonight.

I don't want to make excuses for him, I can't believe I actually am.

I've not made myself appear week, in fact I think he was taken aback by my strength today.

our dd is 14 months old.

he basically laid all his cards on the table and was very open and honest. he's deleted all her messages and said he's going to tell her it's all over.

he said he'd looked at houses a few weeks back for him to move to, and I found a text message saying she was looking at things for their home. he said that in that respect he has led her on.

I just am in shock. my friend did say to me today that it's better that your husband was having an affair when your marriage had problems,because it can be salvaged. if to all intents and purposes we were in a perfect relationship then that would have been worse x

1983mummy Sun 24-Feb-13 19:43:01

for us to move on. what should I know about their relationship?

BamBamAndPebbles Sun 24-Feb-13 19:50:03

You need to know everything my lovely.

Have you spoken to her?

muddyboots Sun 24-Feb-13 19:53:48

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I am going through something similar but have not yet fully decided what I'm going to do (despite months of thinking). My DH let the OW see our children too. He let her buy them presents and treats. That really hurts.

You are at a very early stage in your grief. It will be like a bereavement. Prepare to feel angry, sad, lost. I think what you are feeling now is the start of what I have seen called 'hysterical bonding' - when you just want to physically bond with your partner to keep the rest of the world away.

Ask for time, space and prepare for the worst. In my opinion, if he wants to continue to be with the OW then he will be (whether you know about it or not) so you need to be sure that he is fully commited to you before you break yourself trying to forgive him.

Chihuahuas Sun 24-Feb-13 19:55:23

Your not weak at all. Your obviously very strong. It takes a lot of strength to stay in a marriage after such shattering events.

You just have to take control of the situation and now and call the shots. Most Important is to see the evidence that he has finished it with the other woman and that he tells her they must never speak or see each other again. Don't take his word for it. If she replies you must see the reply and he must not respond.

Think about what I said above. Her husband NEEDS to know and you need to be able to check his emails and phone when you want too. He has to earn trust again.

Are you aware if be has any secret email accounts or Facebook etc. check your computers history.

I think there is a lot more for your learn about this affair. Like I said he will be giving you information bits at a time. Trickle truth.

There was no one more shocked than me when I found out about my husband. I could trust him with my life and he was lovely. We had beenz married for 12 years at that point. In the end because he refused to talk to me about it (said I was neurotic and got angry with me) I went to the other woman and spoke to her. She was a lot more honest in what went on.

When we went to counselling the counseller said I had not been neurotic but was Informatiin gathering and this was a perfectly normal reaction and it was helpful to me and allowed me to make an informed decision. If I hadn't of pushed I would never have found out the truth about what had gone on.

He would still be texting her and sleeping with her today if you hadn't found out.

I'm very sorry.

I wouldn't trust anything he says right now. He was looking for houses to live with her Ffs.

I'm glad you are telling people in real life, get as much support as you can.

I would get him to go for now - it will give you both some thinking time - and he might realise what he stands to lose.

Twattergy Sun 24-Feb-13 20:00:01

Big hug to you, I have a 16 mo and I would be devastated if the father of my child did this. If they were just a few weeks ago planning on setting up a home together, he wasnt leading her on, he was (or possibly still is) planning a life without you and with her. Sorry to sound harsh but you need to fully see what is going on here. The truth will hurt a lot. I think you need to face up fully to that before planning a reconciliation whilst he is still emotionally involved with another woman.

Until you know he has cut all contact you can't move on or survive this. For your marriage to recover the push needs to come from him, not you. He has to demonstrate he is sorry, he is no longer in contact and has no desire to get back in contact, and you are his world. Unless this happens you will not be able to trust him, and he may be tempted.

In a similar position I withdrew, filed for divorce, started looking for a new job, and a new home and basically removed DH's options. Men who have affairs often do so safe in the knowledge the wife will always be there as a back up plan. You don't want to be anyone's back up plan, ever, you are worth so much more than that.

Many marriages survive affairs (mine did), yours might too, but it won't unless you are the one calling the shots.

I'm so sorry he has done this to you. It bl**dy hurts. I'm a long way down the line, and feel that I now have a stronger marriage than ever, but there are still bad days when the hurt overwhelms me. Be prepared for that and you'll be ok. It is naive to think recovery is quick, whether you stay together or whether you split.

1983mummy Sun 24-Feb-13 20:27:55

with regards to the house he said that he's had ample opportunity to progress with getting the house, like putting a deposit down etc, but he didn't. he said that he feels that this was his head telling him it wasn't right.

he said that it's like the saying you don't realise what you've got til it's gone.

x

Xales Sun 24-Feb-13 20:33:54

If they work together in any capacity how are you going to know he has no contact. Is not still meeting her for lunch etc? You will never know how creative he can have been during the working day to fit in meetings.

As others have said the relationship didn't end, he is saying it will stop simply because you found out.

There is no way you are going to know in one weekend that it is all over, that he is really sorry and if you can forgive and forget and move on. Heck he hasn't even told her yet...

He was looking/planning to move out and she was planning on moving in with him. They would have had conversations about that. I can't accept the 'I didn't invite her to live with me but I didn't not either'. Sorry. They have had conversations about him leaving you at least and him leading her to believe he wanted her to live with him if he didn't outright say that.

He was thinking about leaving you and being a part time father.

I think when the shock wears off a little and this sinks in you are going to be white hot with rage and hurt. And so you should be!

This is going to take time and a lot of effort.

Good luck.

He has been lying to you for over a year.
He is claiming he has been lying to her too.

How can you believe anything he says?

I imagine you are in shock - and he probably is a little bit too. I don't for one moment believe that since this morning he has had a sudden revelation of how important you are. I think he is damage limiting and telling you anything you want to hear.

You need lots of space and time.

Charbon Sun 24-Feb-13 20:37:54

Well he's right there - but you haven't gone have you?

He has - and what's more he suggested it rather than you enforced it.

On the face of it, to give you space - but possibly to the OW, as a sign that he's moved out as promised.

Don't rush to attempt forgiveness just yet. You don't know all there is to forgive and it's not over yet with the OW.

You cannot know whether you can personally forgive, whether your relationship can survive this or even whether he truly wants it to and isn't just acting sorry to avoid making a decision earlier than he'd intended.

Take absolutely no comfort in his insistence that he was lying to the OW about his intentions. Lying is lying. All he has admitted to is the capacity to lie to two women at the same time.

I'm sorry, I just read the part where he met her with your dd.

I'm really shocked.

I would never be able to forgive that - and I think, in a few days or weeks, you will realise what a twat he is, and you won't forgive him either.

BamBamAndPebbles Sun 24-Feb-13 20:41:25

Damage limitation op

That's what it sounds like tbh.

Do you have his phone? Access to e mails/face book/twitter etc

Have you checked these?

Doha Sun 24-Feb-13 20:43:18

You cannot for one microsecond believe what your H has told you.

You found out and he is GOING to tell her it's over ie it is still going on. Her husband should know but it sounds like she would are as she really does believe there is a future for her and your H together.
As for sleeeping together 12 times---does he think you are totally stupid?????

I think Wostershiresauce gives some very good advice--you would do well to take a leaf out of her book.

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