Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
Is it ethical for an ex to ring virtually every day, 4 days after they split??(25 Posts)
Sorry snowme it does seem odd, and this is why your alarm bells are ringing.
Not sure who is the most needy here, bf or ex, presumably both. It takes two to tango, etc.
OOh not for me this one. Staying on speaking tearms with exs if fine but i think there is still an emotional attachment here. There is no children involved and i think its kind of strange, also i agree with the other posters that she will be only ringing if he is letting her think its ok. These two havnt seperated emotionaly properly.
Are you looking for some thing more with him? If not let him rock on, but if your hoping of some kind of meaningful relationship i'd nip it in the bud.
How was meeting his ex? Driving 200 miles is excessive to help an ex in need...
Needy ex's urgh...
Casually dating you? do you mean not in a committed relationship, op? Do you know where the relationship is going, future plans and know from one weekend to the next what is happening?
Are you going with him to help? Because he will surely be staying the night- 400 miles round trip will mean an overnight. 4 years is a long time to be still contacting the ex for emotional and physical help! I would most likely bail - she is still his go to person. Is he hers? Was he at his place taking calls? Whilst you were at yours or out having fun? It's interesting she knows when he won't be at yours and free for hour long chats!
She hasn't let go and still holds out hope. Him chatting to her and helping her makes her think he may still be persuaded that she Is the one and leave you for her. If he cares about her finding someone he needs to let her go and stop chatting and leading her on, cause that what she sees, not him wanting to be a friend, no matter what she says, he answers my calls so he must be still interested (in her head.)
No problems here then ?
So, that's why you posted
4 YEARS that should read, not days!
Why is he so involved in her move 2 years after they split though? Also why is she talking to him about events in her life? I don't talk to anyone for half an hour a day on the phone. If I'm away from my husband we don't normally chat for more than 10 minutes (neither of us like phones much though).
I'm not sure I'd distrust this bloke, just wonder at his need to be needed and what role she actually plays in his life. Why doesn't she have any friends she can talk to about her problems and get help with moving a henhouse? For the fuel he'll spend driving 400 miles there and back he could give her £70 to hire a couple of local blokes to help shift stuff.
Why did they split up? He says he fell out of love with her but they still sound interdependant.
You say it was a one off but did he say how often they normally chat to each other?
Thankyou everyone. I'm afraid I posted that last night at 3am after nearly a bottle of Baileys to myself.
To answer some questions, yes, she does know about us, I have met her once.
He let me browse through his phone and the record of those calls was there.
He says it was a one off and she doesn't usually ring so often, it was to arrange the moving date and some other events she needed to talk about in her life.
I think the alcohol affected my judgement somewhat I completely trust him.
If it came to light this was a more regular pattern of calls though, then I think I might feel properly worried.
Thankyou so much for taking time to reply.
"Ethics" is the wrong concept to bring in here, but you're wrong to focus on the ex's behaviour. She may not know about the status of your relationship and it's unlikely someone would ring that much if they were being rebuffed. If she's bugging him and ignoring attempts to be fobbed off he'd presumably be very annoyed and that doesn't come across in your post.
It is a lot of contact. How do you know about it? Either you're there during the call, in which case it's very rude of him. You're exaggerating because you're angry. Or he's telling you about length of call. Which suggests he's trying to be open as knows you could be uncomfortable, or he's trying to give you massive hints that you're not his relationship of choice.
Why did they split up? I think you can be friends, even close friends, with an ex. But he must loom large in her life. It would be driving me nuts, and make sure you communicate that if it is. But if you're secondary and that's deliberate all you can do is leave.
Does the ex know about you?
Is she still under the impression she could restart a relationship with him? Did it, in fact, ever really end?
Could I be arsed with this? If I wanted anything more than a totally casual relationship, one where I was also seeing other men, I would cut your losses now
Has he has other GF before you?
I think he's not ready for a relationship. I'd call time on him tbh.
This arrangement has the capacity to make you look a total idiot.
Why has SHE not moved on?
Whether he has a right to these phone calls is irrelevant. I would advise you to get out of a relationship, especially at this early stage, with someone which is still this close to his ex.
There are plenty more fish in the sea.
up to an hour on the phone every day?
That's a bit weird, imo. It smacks of rather too much of an emotional attachment.
Does he talk about you and your life together during these calls? Do you talk to her?
And he's travelling 200 miles to help her move?
Sorry, but I wouldn't believe that whatever was between them is done and dusted. I know that's cynical, but I wouldn't.
A phone call of between half an hour and an hour every day? That would be a bit much for me even if it was his mother. Presumably this is at a time of day when the OP is present, otherwise she wouldn't know about it, so their time together is interrupted every day by a long phone call. I'd get twitchy about that. Not that it's necessarily a sign of anything untoward, but it would be pretty annoying.
Did anyone else read the post about him travelling 200 miles to help her with a house move? That's either a very, very good friend or someone who doesn't know how to say "no" to even ridiculous requests. You've got to wonder at what stage he'd drop everything and travel 200 miles to help you. Or whether he'd leave your bedside when you're in labour with his firstborn to rush off and help a friend who needs some DIY doing. I'd want to be very certain I was his first priority before settling down to share my life with him.
If I'd been dating someone for 10 months I'd consider that a serious relationship. I would want the exgirlfriend phoning to stop before I'd move in with a bloke. To me too many women don't get these sort of issues sorted early enough in their relationships and then complain that their bloke isn't changing upsetting or lazy behaviour. Sometimes blokes won't change their behaviour and if this bloke won't change his close relationship with a woman he used to have sex with and really fancy then it's better to split up now rather than hope he'll change and still be in the same situation in 10 months time.
I think that it can be possible to stay friends with your ex although if this was my husband and an ex I'd want to know why they split up and why they are in touch so much if the relationship "didn't work".
I'd find my husband having daily chats of over half an hour with any woman unnerving though. Neither of us talk to our exes daily and we have kids with them. Any conversations are usually mainly about the kids. The helping her do stuff when he now lives 200 miles away is odd too.
I suspect I wouldn't continue the relationship. I wouldn't want to give a "her or me" ultimatum, but I'd be upset he didn't see himself that he should be in touch with her less now that he is supposed to have moved on and that the incessant phone calls upset me.
I'd probably mention that I found the daily contact too much and why did they split up if they wanted to chat to each other so much? (I know makes me sound like a jealous cow but that's how I'd feel and it gives him a chance to try and rescue our relationship if he wants to).
If it continued I'd probably end things.
If you're casually dating, he's definitely allowed to be on amicable/phone buddy terms with his ex, or anyone else for that matter.
If you are in a serious relationship AND you are sure that she's carrying a torch AND you think that he's flattered/tempted, then I think you could reasonably point out that their friendship makes you twitchy & ask him to keep a bit more distance.
But not whilst you're just dating.
Tbh I wouldn't object to it even within a long-term relationship, so long as she's very clearly an ex. Dh is friendly with a couple of old flames, & so am I, but the embers are well & truly out...
I would absolutely not tolerate him telling me I couldn't stay in touch with my exes if I choose to do so, so I'd never dream of interfering with his friendships either.
it's not unethical. it is odd
Maybe I see things slightly differently. I don't think it's unethical to stay in touch with an ex, unless it's with the intention of interfering with their new relationship. Do you have any evidence of that? Anyway, it takes two to tango. Even if she has spent the last four years pining for him, it won't gain her anything unless he wants to reciprocate.
I'm prepared to be wrong.
Yes they want to be genuine friends. It's just in my experience that's rare between exes. One always holds a torch for the other.
I just thought its unethical to keep such an emotional attachment to an ex, when you know they have a new partner.
I don't think ethics have anything to do with it.
I doubt she would be ringing so often if she was getting any message that her calls weren't welcome. He may not love her any more but presumably they are genuinely friends. Trying to insist that your casual boy/girlfriend has no friends of the opposite sex never ends well, in my observation.
Why does this bother you? Do you want your relationship to become more than casual? Do you see her as an obstacle?
Don't know about ethical, but I wouldn't like it if I was the new partner.
He needs to grow a pair and tell her he has moved on and she must too.
Unless he is enjoying it - in which case you may have a problem.
*her house not henhouse! Flamin' alcohol! (wine)
He says shehasbeen mainly discussing henhouse move plans which he is travelling 200 miles to assist with, and general chit chat.
Just a quick one,hope someone's awake...
Is it ethical for a man who split with his girlfriend 4 years ago to still be accepting and participating in phone calls from her, that last between half an hour and an hour, over the course of a week every day, all generated by her, not him?
He left her 4 years ago because he fell out of love he said.
He has been casually dating me for nearly 10 months. We are in our early 40s.
He has no children with his ex.
Join the discussion
Please login first.