Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Am I a selfish person?(96 Posts)
Sorry everyone this could be very long.
I am feeling very betrayed and hurt by DP at the moment and really am unsure what to do from here.
We have been together around 6 years, i am 22 him 26. In this time I have lived in various places with family members as my parents divorced when I was younger and both remarried. I earn a poor full time wage but work a typical 40-50hour week, the only pleasure I really have are my two dogs (relevant as renting with two guarding shedding monsters=impossible)
I have wanted to buy a property for many years since I was 18 when we lost the family home etc but have waited for DP as he always had an excuse why he couldn't move out of his parents home. Degree,masters,we travelled etc etc. He has been looking into doing a PGCE for some time though but never got around to applying due to one reason or another. He is generally a very negative person and everything is an obstacle.
It came to a head some months ago when my mother who I am staying with ATM temporarily as I fleet between mother and father and grandparents is moving out into a smaller rented house leaving me stuck. I have very poor relationship with my parents but tolerate each other. I discussed this with DP who agreed we should look for a house. He set the criteria and we found a property which exactly matched this, lovely house in need if renovation very cheap in a nice area (of his choice). We offered and offer was accepted but contracts not exchanged yet. The offer is based in my wage alone.
Tonight he drops the bombshell that he has gotten onto the Pgce (great!) but now does not know if he can afford to pay mortgage on what small loans he would get. I really don't know what to feel other than selfish as I am happy for him but I can't go on with this life of limbo anymore and need to feel I belong somewhere! I am devastated about the house as it really was/is perfect and I was looking forward to renovating etc with Dp! I feel so let down and second best and am wondering whether to bite the bullet and go myself or just resign myself to the fact I will be waiting for another 2-3 years at least living this horrible life of going to and from houses with the clothes in my bag. I have no friends to share with, no one and rentals won't touch me because of dogs (they are childhood dogs from divorce of parents neither of which want them as both parents accuse the other of owning the dogs, they were my dogs at home parents have never dealt with them) and so getting rid is not an option at all.
I just really don't know how to cope with this and which way to turn now. Do I break this tie and just go it alone or do I stick with my 6 year otherwise happy relationship knowing it could be years before he will break the apron strings. He is so attached to his family home and is in no hurry to leave and can't see my point of view at all :-(
What would you guys do if you we're me?
Sorry for depressing moaning :-(
I should add that although you are younger than him you are clearly way ahead of him in the maturity stakes. Frankly at 26 he should be champing at the bit to get his own place. A year, 2 years, 5 years, I dont think this man will ever be on the same page as you, so best to do whats right for you.
Definitely take the house, its too good a chance to pass up on!
Another one piling in to add support.
I've been there with barely tolerable parents; it's not nice is it? <sympathetic> There's a fab relationships board with threads all about coming to terms with toxic parents, if you're wanting support with that.
But back to the topic at hand... go for it girl! And ditch the loser, you sound so effortlessly cool and together, why do you need him?
And never underestimate the power of having your own home when it comes to relationships/life. You dont need to rely on anyone else, no one can take it away from you (if you get legal advice and an agreement in place before you move ANYONE in so they can't claim a share of the house) and whatever happens, you will always have a home.
I agree with everyone here. Take the house, in your name only!! Do not let him on the deeds. And if you do decide to let him move in, he must pay rent to you and a share of the bills. Otherwise, ditch his ass and follow your own dreams. I am 10 years older than you and didn't get my first house until I was 29. It too was a fixer upper. It has take three years and we still have work to do. But it is mine. I love it. Do what YOU need to do.
How are you being selfish? You're not stopping him from doing his PGCE. I gather you don't live together now so nothing need change there - he carries on living at home, you in your new place. Keep the relationship going if you really want to.
Once you have bought a place and put roots down I bet you will soon develop a social life too. It's much harder to do that living out of bags as you are now. And you get an enormous feeling of self-achievement when you have sorted your own place out yourself. Go for it. For YOU.
Buy the house and get a lodger, if necessary. This is your chance to give yourself some stability. Not sharing the cost with your boyfriend means you have complete control - scary but so worth it.
Your boyfriend sounds a bit of a nightmare. If he gets through
the PGCE (it is a very hard year), and then gets a job (lots of experienced staff going for posts which might previously have only attracted newly-qualified staff), all well and good. He may have to move, depending on his subject speciality. Both PGCE and NQT are bloody hard work. If he is already inclined to be negative then he is not going to fun to live with.
Please plan YOUR future without making everything dependent upon him. You sound very sorted out for 22. You can do it!
Dear op, you are my daughter's age, and you sound very sorted. I'm so glad you've said you will go ahead anyway with buying the house.
I think just say I am buying myself a house. If you, as my boyfriend, want to come round at weekends and help me renovate it, that would be lovely. I understand you are scared about becoming independent and responsible for yourself and so you best stay living with your parents. When you reach the stage where you feel responsible enough to come and live like adults together, and you have the money, we'll talk about it, if we are still together at that time.
You don't have to live together. You don't have to split up if you don't want to. You are a young FREE woman, and you can do what you want.
Very best of luck
Another one here saying get it in your own name, don't let him move in, maybe stay if you want him to. You sound incredibly strong, you have already been through so much.
There are also websites to rent out a room Mon-fri so if you work similar days you'd have your house to yourself at workends if you were decorating etc.
Good luck to you
Buy the house op! But on your own, don't get him put in the deeds. He does sound like a bit of a cocklodger- protect your interests, don't worry about him.
If you are daunted about the amount of work, try listing it out on here - the property DIY boards are fab (I'm on there a lot) and we can guide you in relation to the work. It's good to make a list of the immediate/medium term/long term projects so you can get an idea of costs etc. ie windows- what's wrong with them? Boiler, electricals, roof all worth thinking about now.
Ps I bought my house on my own at 22- I needed to get away from family etc. it was the best decision I ever made!
Thank you everyone. I am speaking with my advisor on Monday so will have to think about what to do then. I agree this is something I think I must do alone it is just not how I imagined 'our' life to turn out :-(
In terms of the renovation it needs:
Windows double glazed upstairs, new doors, new kitchen and bath (rest of bathroom ok) but the return could be huge. I offered 10k less than asking price which is over 40k less than the selling price of the last house in the street. I have a 10% deposit and legal fees but wouldn't have much left for renovation at all so may need to borrow in the short term which is also a worry!
I do have a new car but it has depreciated to the point if I sell I will be in negative equity of 4k so can't really as I will have minus 4000 to replace it with. I do need a reliable car to get me the 20mile commute to work hence buying it as it is very economical at 60-70mpg, although with hindsight it proberbly was a mistake :-)
You need to ditch the loser and find yourself a new boyfriend who is a builder or handyman
Take the house! Take it. It sounds perfect.
Don't put his name on it (tell him, you can always add his name later when he's sure it's what he wants).
Don't let him move in (tell him, he can always move in later when he's sure it's what he wants).
Move in yourself and then look at your situation as if it were a dear friend's. Pretend this is someone you adore and think highly of: she's working hard, she takes good care of her dogs, she's caring to her parents no matter how trying they are, she's motivated to build herself a fulfilling life and willing to get out there and do it (such as buying the house!), she's making some friends, she's talented, she's smart, etc. etc.
Now think about whether this boyfriend adds value to this person's life. Is he hardworking? Is he motivated? Does he actively want, and is he actively working toward, having a fulfilling life? Does he act in a caring and responsible way toward the people he loves?
I'm not saying you have to rush to break up. But I do think this is a really, REALLY good time for you to evaluate -- not meanly, but fairly, with some detachment -- whether this guy is bringing as much to the table as you are. Note again I am not talking about money or looks. I'm talking about whether he wants to live happily and productively, like you do. Believe me, in the future you do not want to be dragging him through your shared life, nor do you want to be putting your shared life on hold until he is ready to live it.
Hello Greyhorses, my parents both died when I was in my teens and I know the feeling of not having a home a place where you're always welcome, where they always have to let you in when you're at the door, where you can relax and not be waiting to be moved on and so you'll always know you have a place to be at Christmas. My dad died when I was 19 and was also bipolar so I've lived with the affects of that too.
What you seem to be saying to us is "at this time in my life I need a home more than a relationship". I agree. Forget BF for a moment, what do you need to progress any further, you are clearly telling us you need stability. I don't know if you've noticed but your BF is not very stable, stuck in a rut maybe but I'm talking emotional stability. It sounds like you are parenting him somewhat.
Here's a little nugget I picked up in my 44 years do NOT get into a relationship with and definitely do NOT marry someone who is not happy. This bloke is not happy - he is the only one who can change that. It should be clear to you after 6 years that you can't change that. Maybe you've been clinging to him as some form of consistency from when you were 16 but I don't believe you are in the same place emotionally as you were then. You have the strength to understand what you need, find it and do it.
Also successful relationships usually have partners with equal ambitions or life goals. You are much more focused and forging ahead while your BF is not your equal in ambition or goals. His main goal seems to be avoiding work and responsibilities, not taking them on.
Practicals: definitely have a full survey and walk through the house with one of your dad's contacts to get estimates on all the work so you know what you're dealing with financially. But you are so young and you're a tough cookie so I don't think it will be difficult for you to live in a "work in progress" for a few years. The relief and joy at having your own home will more than make up for it. And if it truly all goes tits up financially you are so young you could easily start over. As so many women here have already said, with no children or responsibilities to others this sounds like the perfect time for you to forge ahead.
From what you have said the benefits of owning your own home outweigh the risks to you at this time.
Thinking about it, if the only reason you picked this particular house, with all the work needing doing on it, was because it fitted your boyfriend's specifications, but you are now worried about getting the work done and paying for it by yourself, is it worth having another look to see if there is any other property around for the same sort of price (ie same mortgage) that you would like just for yourself and which might not require so much investment of time and money in doing it up?
If you are removing your DP from the house-buying equation, there is no need to be bound by the requirements he set. You might prefer a smaller house or flat with less work needing doing to it, particularly if you are working long hours.
Remember the advisor is trying to sell you a mortgage, for his commission.
Loads of excellent advice here (and HoneyandRum's point about happiness is excellent, I'm keeping that, so many people think the next relationship / job / life change will 'cure' them and make them happy. It can help but not unless they sort themselves out first). Notwithstanding that, I'd just add that I don't think your BF is that unusual for a 26-year old. If he hasn't lived away from home at all for university that's a bit odd but if he's been coming back between courses, until he's got a 'proper job' (which he is making real progress towards) that's really quite normal and something many parents on here would recognise and support. It's easy for people to point out his imperfections as a partner but, he is young and, were he their son, there might be more sympathy for giving hom freedom to grow up and perhaps even concern at his becoming 'tied down' so young (e.g. what if he can't get a teaching job locally and needs to move to develop his career?).
People, especially when young and absorbed in developing their own careers and identities and, IME especially when they've had a comfortable, consistent upbringing, can be shockingly bad at stepping outside that bubble to empathise with others whose life experiences are different. It's no excuse, this is your BF, he should really care about you and want to understand your feelings and your POV but, I'm just saying he's not that unusual for his age and stage. You are, you know it and I think you're doing exactly the right thing by identifying what you really need and focusing on securing that. Whether the BF turns out to be right for you in the longer term is another question but you don't need to make any decisions about that now, just practical ones about your home.
Buy the house on your own. Get a lodger. Ditch the flakey boyfriend. I suspect he's keeping his options open if he's going to Uni, tbh.
Buy the house.
Dump the boyfriend.
Get a dog-loving lodger.
I'm delighted you are looking at the practicalities, here are a few more, (I hope!)
Don't get too caught up in doing everything at once. Is the roof leakproof? Are the doors secure? Are the windows solid (i.e. not rotten?)
You can live without double glazing (unless you are beside a motorway!) Good thick curtains (interline them with cheap fleece throws from Ikea). Is it security you are worried about? Get extra locks from B&Q.
New doors - are they in a state, or just a bit drafty? Get stick on draft excluder (it'll buy you a year or two).
Kitchen - have you a cooker, sink, washing machine? Really you will survive with just those.
All these things are nice but not essential. I have a confession. When I moved in, there was an open filre (with a back boiler that heated the water), an immersion heater, and two storage heaters - one in the hall, one on the landing. That was 11 years ago. The two storage heaters lasted about 3 years. I then only got central heating (OFCH) 18 months ago. Electric blankets on mine and DD's beds were a lifesaver (and so cheap to run). Compared to her friends in school, and my friends, we actually suffered less head colds and sore throats - I reckon we were a bit tougher due to the slightly more demanding living conditions.
You are only 22 and have two lovely cuddly
hairy hot water bottles dogs to keep you warm.
If your folks offer you a present for moving in, choose something practical. Mine gave me the house alarm.
Modern life has us spoiled, I think. I remember as a student some of the places I viewed, no one would ever consider these acceptable nowadays.
However I do love my comfort (my kitchen where I am sitting and typing is toasty warm from the CH tonight) - I'd be the last person on Earth to enjoy camping etc, but lots what you mention are cosmetic things. I bet if you took a week off work with a skip and a couple of extra pairs of hands, you could get the place de-ivy-ed, and a fresh coat of paint would go a huge way to making it habitable.
Whatever you decide, please separate out the BF from the house, I think you have two different issues there and shouldn't let one affect the other.
Lord this post turned epic! I only intended to add a couple of lines! The best of luck whatever you decide (and if you do buy, would love to see the before and after pics).
yes... please remember the pics! cause
im a nosey cow i love seeing things like that
I second this idea,
Get the house and don't put his name on it, you are deAling with all the financial aspects of it so why put his name on it? Tough love .
If you lurk on MNet a lot you can tell how difficult it is when you sacrifice all you have or couLd have had for his sake YET he is unsure of what he wants
you'll realize that down the line . Be glad he is opting out now than after you get the house
By the way Dump the twat if he tries emotional blackmail
making you feel selfish
Good luck hun.
Join the discussion
Please login first.