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Am I a selfish person?(96 Posts)
Sorry everyone this could be very long.
I am feeling very betrayed and hurt by DP at the moment and really am unsure what to do from here.
We have been together around 6 years, i am 22 him 26. In this time I have lived in various places with family members as my parents divorced when I was younger and both remarried. I earn a poor full time wage but work a typical 40-50hour week, the only pleasure I really have are my two dogs (relevant as renting with two guarding shedding monsters=impossible)
I have wanted to buy a property for many years since I was 18 when we lost the family home etc but have waited for DP as he always had an excuse why he couldn't move out of his parents home. Degree,masters,we travelled etc etc. He has been looking into doing a PGCE for some time though but never got around to applying due to one reason or another. He is generally a very negative person and everything is an obstacle.
It came to a head some months ago when my mother who I am staying with ATM temporarily as I fleet between mother and father and grandparents is moving out into a smaller rented house leaving me stuck. I have very poor relationship with my parents but tolerate each other. I discussed this with DP who agreed we should look for a house. He set the criteria and we found a property which exactly matched this, lovely house in need if renovation very cheap in a nice area (of his choice). We offered and offer was accepted but contracts not exchanged yet. The offer is based in my wage alone.
Tonight he drops the bombshell that he has gotten onto the Pgce (great!) but now does not know if he can afford to pay mortgage on what small loans he would get. I really don't know what to feel other than selfish as I am happy for him but I can't go on with this life of limbo anymore and need to feel I belong somewhere! I am devastated about the house as it really was/is perfect and I was looking forward to renovating etc with Dp! I feel so let down and second best and am wondering whether to bite the bullet and go myself or just resign myself to the fact I will be waiting for another 2-3 years at least living this horrible life of going to and from houses with the clothes in my bag. I have no friends to share with, no one and rentals won't touch me because of dogs (they are childhood dogs from divorce of parents neither of which want them as both parents accuse the other of owning the dogs, they were my dogs at home parents have never dealt with them) and so getting rid is not an option at all.
I just really don't know how to cope with this and which way to turn now. Do I break this tie and just go it alone or do I stick with my 6 year otherwise happy relationship knowing it could be years before he will break the apron strings. He is so attached to his family home and is in no hurry to leave and can't see my point of view at all :-(
What would you guys do if you we're me?
Sorry for depressing moaning :-(
Ime starter boyfriends are a poorer investment than starter homes.
44SO speaks so much sence in this one line. I wish someone had said the same to me at 22
OP, you sound lovely, sensible, sorted and mature. Your DP does not. You are not sharing life goals at the moment. This may change in time. Or maybe not.
Either way, if you can get the house on your own then do it! Worry about the diy etc when you have the keys in your hand and your name on the deeds. Nothing feels better I assure you
Totally take the house! Buying is so daunting first time - it seems like a huge burden but actually it's not at all. Cheaper then renting and this house sounds like a great deal. You can't really go wrong and if you struggle just get a lodger.
Sounds like you are being really held back. He sounds like a burden rather than a partner.
For goodness' sake DON'T put his name on the mortgage if you DO decide to go ahead... make sure that this is YOUR house!
General rule in life if you're a considerate, 'normal' woman ... be a bit more selfish.
Have met so many (too many) women in my life that think wanting to be #1 priority makes them selfish, who never push themselves forward, who undersell their abilities & achievements because they don't want to be seen as big-headed ..... Have rarely met a man who thought the same way. That's why so many idiot male run organisations whilst capable females flounder in junior roles. Have also met too many women who put their needs on hold because they're trying to please some idiot partner. Big mistake
So don't hold back. Go for your dream of your own place even if it takes you years to get the thing into shape. Realise your ambition for you, not for someone else. If you need to 'use' people along the way to achieve your goal.... rental money from a lodger or a favour from a friend... go for that too. There will be ups and downs, of course. That's part of the fun. But one day you'll be able to stand back and look at your lovely home and think 'I did that'.
This thread is lovely. Everyone is so delightedly envious of the wonderful position you're in re: the house and your opportunities And no one thinks you're the least bit selfish. The 'selfish' thing is actually completely bizarre and doesn't fit the circumstances one little bit. So, have a think about that and don't forget to put your 'progress pics' in the DIY/Property threads
I just want to give you a big HUG. You are doing so well for yourself despite your parents - you are a credit to yourself.
I don't want to upset you, but really, your boyfriend/partner isn't good for you. I know how hard it is to make the break (I was 24, we'd been together for about 8 years), I felt like he was my life, I felt 'too old' to start again, (I find it so hard to believe I felt like that then!! I'm 44 now and 24 seems SO young!), I felt we'd put too much into the relationship to let it go & that we should 'make it work' - but we did split up and it was the best thing for both of us. It was hard at the time, but soon got better. He isn't your world and I'm sorry to say it, but you are certainly not his.
If you were 'the one' for him he would be doing so much more to make your life happier, to provide you with the security you have never had (not financially, but emotionally) and to build a life with you - but all he is doing is constantly letting you down and making pathetic excuses not to do things.
You sound like you have a lot of get up and go - he will just bring you down.
He sounds like he has his own issues and he needs to deal with them and you need to get on with your own life.
Buy a house to make a home of your own (you can always rent it out if you want to travel or whatever later on). It doesn't have to be this house. Think about it all - the level of renovation required, the location, how affordable it is on you wage alone (then any other income/money from someone sharing is a bonus not a necessity) and if you can afford it on your own (including council tax, power, gas, insurance) then go for it.
I hope you take my advice and really look at your relationship... it's not a supportive one
IF you do end up letting him move in with you (which I really hope you don't) then go to a solicitor and pay to have something drawn up that will stand up in court to say he has NO claim to your house AND do not subsidise him in anyway - he pays rent, he pays half the bills and half the food etc. Otherwise he will keep using you and it's not on. You are young, you only need to be responsible for yourself and to be looking out for your future.
ALSO - make sure you can afford to do it if interest rates go up.
Let us know what you do
Oh and another thing. The house sounds like it's in a bit of a state - so make sure you pay to have a FULL survey done, you don't want any surprises once you start doing it up!! (needs a new roof, is subsiding, dry rot, or a million other things).
Go for it! He will either grow up or you can happily get rid knowing he never will.
And another thing from me; making you wait for 6 years and now making you wait for 9? No no no. How long would you have to wait for marriage? Then for DCs? I mean, if that's what you're into. He's basically in the same position he was when you got together! And needs years and yeas to catch up. He'll never catch up.
OP - you are lovely and I bet your dogs are too. Go it alone - it will be great. Get the house in your own name, look around for someone else who appreciates your fine qualities and loves your furry friends.
just buy the house (sorry i haven't read all the posts)
but seriously GO FOR IT!
don't spend your life waiting around on him.
He sounds a bit like a 'life time student'. I'd be worried that after the pgce he'll want to study for a phd/doctorate or anything other than face the responsibilities of working and leaving home.
You need a very positive attitude for a pgce btw.
You'll be fine on your own, and maybe you'll meet a keen diy-er who isn't afraid to leave home. Good luck with the house - it sounds like a great opportunity.
Thank you everyone for being so supportive.
I did ends up having an argument with DP last night and most of this came out. He told me he is basically scared of the work level during a Pcge and also the financial responsibility. I told him I will be going with or without him and he is insistent we can make it work
I am planning on speaking to mortgage advisor tomorrow to discuss the practicality of it all. On paper I could afford it alone but then the cost of the work would be in the region of 5000 to get the house in a habitable state (for windows,doors etc) and then any decorating work on top of this although this can be on an as and when basis. I am unsure if i can borrow this money also? for example, if the house is 60k can i thrn borrow 65 to help me get the basics done? I will definitely be getting a survey done however but luckily my dad has many contacts for help with work on a budget.
I am waiting to hear from the vendor also as we still need to finalise the details of the offer so it is all very 50/50 at the moment but I feel this is the right thing for me to do at the moment, if it is at all possible! :-) I just hope I get some good luck for once!
Thanks again everyone, wish I had so much support in real life!
The house sounds amazing, other houses will come along but you can't expect something like that when you want it. Does the area suit you?
Do think through the financial implications very carefully and make sure you can manage. Worst case though, you can always sell.
You might be able to get lodgers at a reduced rent who will put up with it being unfinished and worked upon, provided it's safe. Be careful when choosing them, interview carefully, check references, use a standard contract and go with gut feeling about whether they are ok or not, you don't want more difficult people causing you problems.
Yes, definitely get a proper survey done on the house (building survey, used to be called structural).
Moving house is not cheap, even as a ftb, make sure you factor in solicitors fees, survey, stamp duty if relevant.
You have a new car? Cars are not investments, they depreciate massively. You could think about selling the car and buying something cheaper but reliable to give yourself some cash for moving.
On the boyfriend, it is worrying that he can't see your point of view and doesn't seem to want to try. You live a very insecure life and need security and autonomy, that should not be hard to understand. He must be very complacent and not want to understand, as his life and family circumstances are perfectly comfortable, thanks very much. That and the negativity are not a good signs for a partnership or a future together. Maybe he'll grow up. As a sweeping generalisation - which clearly does not include you - most people are very self-absorbed up to around 26, many do then grow up and notice that the world is not only about them. But, he can come to you on your terms. You need that security and you have a life and many choices ahead of you.
Have just checked back to see if you've made a decision yet. Another little tip (apologies if you're already aware) is Freecycle ..... amazing what you can pick up for free, and much of the stuff people give away is furniture, often because they're redecorating rather than because it's rubbish - so you'd probably, in time, be able to pick up a couple of bed frames, dining table, chairs, drawers, all sorts of kitchen equipment, rugs, sofa ..... I've seen all of that and more on my local Freecycle.
My first thought was that you're 22 and there's no rush to buy your own home, but having read the rest of your posts I changed my mind and agree with everyone else posting that you should grab the house and go it alone You sound like you've achieved so much, and a stable home would be brilliant for you so you don't have to rely on your bf and your family. Even if you had to advertise for a lodger to help cover the bills, it'd be a great investment for the future (my DH did this before meeting me, and it worked out really well).
FWIW, I know loads of people who did PGCEs, and all of them managed to rent somewhere to live on the loan. Knowing the price of rents in this city I don't expect any of them paid less than £500pcm (including bills). Most students manage to find rent out of their loans!! If your bf wanted to, he could sort out the finances.
The financial responsibility will be terrifying no matter how old you are or how much you earn, and I don't think it'd be any less terrifying if your bf agreed to buy with you - you'd be forever worrying about him backing out! Good luck with it
If he's not sure about the financial responsibility he can always live there as your lodger. That would give you some cash for renovations and him the freedom to leave to live with his parents if money is too tight. (Bit tricky charging anyone rent to share your bedroom, which is not actually available to let out but, if you're not comfortable taking rent from him, he would at least contribute to bills).
If you do buy together you must do so as tenants in common, with an agreement drawn up by a solicitor, which at this stage will be based on deposit and commitment to the mortgage. Think about how you value both of your input to renovations at the outset, as this could get really complicated later.
go for it alone and get a lodger x
he'd rather live free with mummy and daddy than pay bills. i did a pgce - managed to keep a roof over my head at the same time funnily enough
Ooh x-posted. Glad to see you're seeking further financial advice but please please be careful about protecting your investment if boyfriend moves in. Am a bit how he was so reluctant all of a sudden but now is back to insisting it can work. At whose expense ? Am v worried if he does move in with you he'll use his study to advoid helping with repairs etc and his "impoverished" student state to advoid paying even a small share of bills.
If he's worried about studying and financial responsibility he should stay at home which you said right at the start he's in no hurry to leave. You can then review the situation about moving in together if and when he's in a better financial position, but you'd remain in control. I think you'd feel very resentful if he moved in now and couldn't contribute.
I rather think that he will suddenly change his mind and move in with you when you are the one responsible for the mortgage and bills. You know what you will have then? Your very own cocklodger!
Do no live with this man, he basically wants a mummy he can have sex with, and thats not attractive in anyones books is it?
your welfare doesn't appear to be anywhere on his priority list does it? If it's like this now there isn't going to be an epiphany any time soon and you will have wasted some more years out of your life.
You say the offer is based on your wage alone. What do you need him for? You sound like you want to get somewhere in life even though you are younger than him. If he isn't holding you back how much further could you go?
Sort out a home for YOU.
Your very own cocklodger!
Oh, good god, of course!! Yes, this man has been in intense training for a long career in living off other people for 26 whole years. He must not be allowed to go from his mother to you. He's not had one ounce of practical responsibility, and however hard things are in 'this financial climate', a 26yo who has never learned to cope with life on his own is not partner material.
This thread is kinda about 1. The bf and 2. The house. I don't think there should be any connection between the two.
You will only be able to get a mortgage based on the valuation of the property. If house is valued at 60k, then you'll only be able to borrow a % of that. How much deposit do you have?
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