Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
Am I a selfish person?(96 Posts)
Sorry everyone this could be very long.
I am feeling very betrayed and hurt by DP at the moment and really am unsure what to do from here.
We have been together around 6 years, i am 22 him 26. In this time I have lived in various places with family members as my parents divorced when I was younger and both remarried. I earn a poor full time wage but work a typical 40-50hour week, the only pleasure I really have are my two dogs (relevant as renting with two guarding shedding monsters=impossible)
I have wanted to buy a property for many years since I was 18 when we lost the family home etc but have waited for DP as he always had an excuse why he couldn't move out of his parents home. Degree,masters,we travelled etc etc. He has been looking into doing a PGCE for some time though but never got around to applying due to one reason or another. He is generally a very negative person and everything is an obstacle.
It came to a head some months ago when my mother who I am staying with ATM temporarily as I fleet between mother and father and grandparents is moving out into a smaller rented house leaving me stuck. I have very poor relationship with my parents but tolerate each other. I discussed this with DP who agreed we should look for a house. He set the criteria and we found a property which exactly matched this, lovely house in need if renovation very cheap in a nice area (of his choice). We offered and offer was accepted but contracts not exchanged yet. The offer is based in my wage alone.
Tonight he drops the bombshell that he has gotten onto the Pgce (great!) but now does not know if he can afford to pay mortgage on what small loans he would get. I really don't know what to feel other than selfish as I am happy for him but I can't go on with this life of limbo anymore and need to feel I belong somewhere! I am devastated about the house as it really was/is perfect and I was looking forward to renovating etc with Dp! I feel so let down and second best and am wondering whether to bite the bullet and go myself or just resign myself to the fact I will be waiting for another 2-3 years at least living this horrible life of going to and from houses with the clothes in my bag. I have no friends to share with, no one and rentals won't touch me because of dogs (they are childhood dogs from divorce of parents neither of which want them as both parents accuse the other of owning the dogs, they were my dogs at home parents have never dealt with them) and so getting rid is not an option at all.
I just really don't know how to cope with this and which way to turn now. Do I break this tie and just go it alone or do I stick with my 6 year otherwise happy relationship knowing it could be years before he will break the apron strings. He is so attached to his family home and is in no hurry to leave and can't see my point of view at all :-(
What would you guys do if you we're me?
Sorry for depressing moaning :-(
Would you want to live in this house, this area if he hadn't been involved in the decision making?
If so, go for it, without nobber boy though
If not, get back out there looking for the house you want, in an area you know and like - then get on and make a home for you.
Don't rely on him for your decisions op. if you can do it alone, go for it!
God no, don't put his name on deeds!
Partnership is v serious. Not what you get from him ATM IMO.
Listen to an older, battle scarred woman, a house that is yours, that you can improve will make you happier.
I'd like to see you with a few more mates though. How about asking one to be a lodger?
You can even let the boyfriend sleep over if it suits you.
Thank you everyone :-)
It's a very daunting prospect is all as the house would need head to toe renovation (think time warp with its own mattress in the front garden, wood panelled walls and ivy growing through the windows, but it has so much potential. It would take me a long time to renovate on my wage so a lodger mightn't want to live on a building site?!
I am speaking with the advisor next week about where to go from here to he has until then to decide I suppose but I have a feeling he will get cold feet and run-again. He does this with all commitment, it took me 3 years to get him on holiday just the two of us as he was scared of just incase. He was very enthusiastic at the viewing but then seemed to go flat at talks of money and repayments etc! He has not said directly he does not want to buy the house but is refusing to discuss anything as 'it might not happen yet' which leaves me in some sort of limbo. I have arranged everything and he has done nothing.
I think he is worried about completing his pgce and renovating a house but at the same time where is the cut off point? I have waited 6 years so far, and have been asking him to move out since I was 18 so 4 long years of having no place of my own. I have always supported him but he has said on occasion I am selfish as if he does not do this pgce he will be stuck in a job he hates for life so maybe he is right!?
Ps, have no friends that would live with me. In all honesty I have two both of which are living with partners. I have acquaintances but not friends unfortunately!
Ah, but by the time your new home is ready for a lodger, you may well have a candidate.
Your boyfriend is thinking about what will make him happy.
You need to think about what will make you happy.
Your salary will increase, you will learn DIY skills, you can buy in some help, get a better relationship with your mum.
When you want children, you will be much better placed to adapt your career to suit (if you want to).
Ime starter boyfriends are a poorer investment than starter homes.
Take the house, make it yours and yours alone.
You're both so young - I don't think either of you are being that selfish really, you both need to work out what you want from life yet.
Take in a lodger by advertising. (A friend of mine did that, a sexy fireman moved in and they're now happily married with a child ),
Grey I bought a do-er upper on my own, working full time, with a 5 yr old daughter as well.
No central heating, only half double glazed, new kitchen & bathroom needed & I was terrified at first of the financial responsibility.
I am currently sitting beside the fire in my sitting room, DD is upstairs reading, my house is cozy & gorgeous even though it took me a long time to do the work over the years.
If you can separate out the issues with your BF (who really doesn't sound committed at all) & go for it yourself I think you should. If it works out with your BF, great, you'll have a house & a relationship, if not, at least you will have your home for you and your dogs.
OP You're not selfish at all. He's trying, again, to control you. Accusing someone of being selfish when they want to do something for themselves is textbook. It's designed to give a feeling of unease and doubt. Nothing too specific, but no one wants to think they're selfish. He wants to make you feel bad so you don't do what you want.
You say you feel lonely and unsatisfied with life, I'm not surprised Greyhorses. Life has dealt you a very difficult hand. But you really sound amazing. You have had to work much harder for the things others take for granted and at 22 you are way more sorted than me or my friends were at that age.
A mortgage is scary.
A load of DIY is scary.
But it's all doable. Buy your house. Do what you can yourself with it one room at a time.
You do not sound selfish. You sound intelligent, driven and very capable. Now get yourself and your dogs a home.
Sweetie you sound very unsure of yourself but look at what you have already done on your own!
Take that house, if you can afford it without starving or selling an organ, take it - it will be yours , your place to be safe and settled and happy. I was shunted around a lot, pillar to post to north pole, moved out of home at 15 and lodged with family, rented as soon as I hit 18. Renting was better than moving around but since we bought the house I feel completely different. Happier and I feel I finally have stability I so wanted. It still needs some work but we're getting there - but when I'm here snuggled in bed in my finished bedroom, dogs and cats on the end of the bed I honestly couldn't care less we still have a temporary bathroom ceiling and 1 and a half kitchen drawers! Considering I DIY and some of the things I learned how to do - I know you can do it, it's really not that hard if you read the instructions, they just like to make it look tricky or just aren't very good at it! (crass generalisation there, lovingly tongue-in-cheek though).
I'd be ditching the deadweight personally but if you don't want to don't - move on with your life, take your house and start to live to your own schedule - you can get to know the area on your own/with friends you don't need him, just google maps! - and if he gets left behind in your wake, well he didn't want it enough did he? He is happy to advance using your support as a springboard, keeping you down and in your place, now you are finding out that it is not reciprocal and after 6 years it's hard to admit your partner isn't what you thought, this is more than a negative outlook. Go forward, it will be so worth it - if he comes, fine, if he doesn't then you know for sure he is a manchild that wanted you to provide for his needs above your own, just like his mother did - baby, ain't nobody got time fo' that!
OP you're not selfish at all, you sound very thoughtful. Please go for the house if its what you want. I totally understand your desire for the stability & security that a home of your own will provide for you and your dogs. That's what should come first, not your dithering b/f's needs or timescale.
On a slightly different note, I notice you say that he is generally 'a negative person and that everything is an obstacle'. I'm in my early forties and I have lived with someone like that. It is not easy no matter how much you love them.
Similarly to you, I was ready to buy somewhere when I was in my early twenties but my partner at the time wasn't so we rented for ages and moved house loads instead. I know I can't change things but now
I'm SO MUCH older I can see that I shouldn't have let someone else sway me. I still have the odd moment where I wish I'd gone ahead with buying in the area I wanted all those years ago. Def agree with others, don't let him move in without contracts/payment agreements etc.
So go for it and very best of luck to you
If he's a negative person, teaching will finish him off!
Buy the house. Advertise for a dog-loving lodger who is working (out all day so no electricity bills then.)
Don't put his name on the deeds. Don't put his name on the mortgage.
You can do it. A lodger would be a great way of making new friends. Ask one of your more sensible friends to help you vet them. The lodgers, not the dogs!
I really don't think you'll have a problem getting a lodger regardless of the house being shabby/old-fashioned/in need of repair etc so long as the basics like a usable bathroom, heating, cooking facilities are there. In fact if you're honest up front that there'll be ongoing renovation as you can afford it, and ask for a rent slightly less than what you'd get if the house was in tip-top condition, then I'm sure you'd get lots of interest as so many people are strapped for cash right now and many would be delighted to save money even if it means they have to "endure" a house that isn't in perfect condition.
The house sounds really fantastic - not least with a big garden for the dogs, and the mortgage sounds a bargain. I don't know where it is or what the going rate for a room in a shared house is there but surely a lodger's monthly rent must come very close to paying the mortgage in whole - if you got two lodgers that'd help even more. Please don't pass up this opportunity ... you don't need him to do this .
Get the house and get a lodger (or two) to help with the bills. You can earn quite a lot tax free (I think it's 5000 a year?). Follow your heart and make it happen.
Make sure the house is in your sole name and take in a couple of lodgers who will be happy to pay a little less than market rate for a room while you're getting together the cash to renovate.
I recommend you put 'chefs preferred' on any ad you place for house-share as I've yet to meet a chef who wants to get in the kitchen on their days off or any other time
Also get a green deal assessment which will give you a loan to do energy saving work to the house (double glazing etc). That gets paid back through your electricity bill, which your lodgers will help you with!
If he really wanted to buy a house with you, the PGCE would not be an obstacle. DH & I bought a wreck of a house just before my final year at university and did it up during that year. I still managed to get a first class degree. And that mortgage, even if only paid by one of you, is less than many students pay for a room in a grotty shared house.
I think I agree with everyone else: go it alone, and get a house-mate if necessary to help with the bills. Maybe see if you can find someone who'd be willing to pitch in with wall-paper stripping, painting etc for reduced rent?
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Whether or not you buy this house, dump the man. FFS you are 22 years old and you have already spent 3 years trying to get this useless, selfish, lazy whinarse to commit to you. He doesn't want to. He is Not That INto You. And you don't need him. You are young enough to build a fabulous life for yourself, you have over a decade to decide whether or not you want children, why on earth are you letting yourself be dragged down and limited in your options by this man? Having a male partner is not compulsory, and nice men who are solvent, kind, interesting and competent are not that difficult to find.
Buy the house. Dump the boyfriend. Listen to the older women here who would have loved to be in your shoes at 22 knowing what we know now.
What a amazing opportunity you are very lucky with the house. I
Agree with other members and if your worried about the relationship side you can just say your buying it yourself and carry on with the relationship you have. But be aware I
Have heard of situations before where someone has done all this then the dp stayed over a lot and unofficially moved in.
You've been together 6 years which, by my reckoning, means he was 20 and you were 16. That is a big age gap at that age. I am wondering if he started seeing you at this age because he was already a bit of a young 20 and thought going out with a 16 year old he wouldn't have to grow up. Now you are rushing ahead of him; job; home; dogs; life. I think he may just be one of those men who
doesn't grow up takes time to grow up.
If you want this house, go for it. Don't put him on the bloody paperwork whatever you do.
I was in exactly same position six years ago and felt very proud of myself and never looked back
22 with the chance to get a mortgage by yourself?? I'm so jealous!
I got mine in my late 20's after dithering for a wee while. Wish I'd done it sooner
IF you'd live in that area regardless of what he thinks he wants, go for it. That house is your pension if need be, security for right now, & a great opportunity to prove to yourself how capable you are
To echo others, really don't put his name on anything. It's not unromantic to look after yourself. If he does move in, financially contribute equally etc, then sort that out later. Look out for #1
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.