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I don't love him enough to be married anymore. I am a selfish bitch?

(57 Posts)
OhMyGlob Sat 23-Feb-13 18:56:27

I have just told DH that I can't do it anymore and I want to split for good.

He doesn't understand and thinks I'm a selfish bitch and says that he hates me so much now. I'm being selfish for not wanting to stay together to make him and the children happy.

I have tried, so hard over the last year to forget how I feel. I even went to counselling.

I can't make this easier can I?

"Can you imagine anyone EVER saying that to a man about to leave his wife and children on here? Look, we don't need to tar and feather her, but we sure as hell do not need to congratulate her on her bravery either. This happens to marriages every day. You do what you have to do. You live with the consequences. You take the criticism on the chin."

Quite.

What she is doing might well be right for her but clearly it's causing a lot of hurt elsewhere. So, no, no bunting and balloons from me either.

OP - without further details I can't offer advice but I hope your decision brings you happiness eventually x

cron - for many women, it is.

cronullansw Mon 25-Feb-13 23:03:34

I never thought I'd have to explain to grown up, mature adults, that living under threats or actual violence is not a part of marriage.

FellatioNels0n Mon 25-Feb-13 14:21:44

"I admire you for having the gumption, and the self-respect, to acknowledge that your own happiness is important enough to make such a difficult change and I wish you all the best."

Can you imagine anyone EVER saying that to a man about to leave his wife and children on here? Look, we don't need to tar and feather her, but we sure as hell do not need to congratulate her on her bravery either. This happens to marriages every day. You do what you have to do. You live with the consequences. You take the criticism on the chin.

larry

What I took issue was this in the post from cron

"a parents feelings mean diddly squat until the kids are old enough to stand on their own two feet and that until then, you grit your teeth and fulfill your parental obligations."

And I asked at what point a wife who was abused may be allowed to stop gritting her teeth and fulfilling her parental obligations.

That's all.

Please don't try to read anymore into it than that. I was taking issue with cron, and the sweeping statement they made, not the OP which I have not commented on.

larrygrylls Mon 25-Feb-13 14:13:16

Freddie,

But Cronul's post was directed at the OP and I am guessing that she assumed the same as me, not that it was generalised advice that someone should put up with abusive behaviour. I think that you have to take things in context and not create straw men to blow down.

Larry - I made it clear my post was directed to cronullansw, not the OP.

larrygrylls Mon 25-Feb-13 13:59:27

Izzy and Freddie,

There is a hell of a lot of projection in your posts. Nowhere has the OP mentioned DV or sexual abuse, or any kind of abuse. It is incredibly hard to guess where she is coming from but, from her limited input, one would guess that she has either plain fallen out of love or she has had an affair and is trying to get over it. Those are equally assumptions but at least fit better with her therapy etc.

larrygrylls Mon 25-Feb-13 13:57:25

"I admire you for having the gumption, and the self-respect, to acknowledge that your own happiness is important enough to make such a difficult change and I wish you all the best."

This is becoming a very hypothetical thread but people who put their own "happiness" first are very rarely ever truly happy.

Beograde Mon 25-Feb-13 13:23:03

It's a balance, isn't it? I mean, the OP only has one life, but then so do her children - if a happy-ok marriage is in their best interests in their formative years, maybe it's better to stick it out. If it's an abusive horrible marriage, leave.

Zavi Mon 25-Feb-13 12:35:48

I think you are being very honest, and brave, but - as you will have gathered by now from some of the nasty responses that you've received on here - there may not be a lot of support out there for you from other parents who think you should just stick it out.

I don't agree with the "stop being so selfish - stick it out for the sake of your kids - brigade at all. I can not think of anything worse then being trapped in a marriage "for the sake of the kids".

You only have one life. Make the most of it. Life is WAY too short to be stuck in an unhappy marriage.

I suspect your OH will not make things easy for you. May even deliberately try to make things difficult for you! That's to be expected and you will need to suck it up whilst he gets used to the change. It will all come good in the end when he sees that you are prepared to cut him some slack in order to maintain good relations with him in order that you can both eventually act appropriately in matters concerning your children.

I do think you ought to be honest with your kids though and explain to them that arrangements are changing because you want them too. You do need to take full responsibility for this. Your kids may resent you for the ensuing upheaval. I suspect that, as adults, they will respect you for making a difficult decision like that.

I admire you for having the gumption, and the self-respect, to acknowledge that your own happiness is important enough to make such a difficult change and I wish you all the best.

FellatioNels0n Mon 25-Feb-13 12:19:37

If your husband is basically a good and decent non-abusive man who tries hard to make you happy, but you have just fallen out of love and you are prepared to make him (and your children) unhappy for a while in order to put yourself first, then yes - that is a bit selfish. And any man who came on here with a story like yours would be told exactly that in no uncertain terms.

But just because it's selfish does not necessarily make it wrong. Look, I'm not sure exactly what you want to hear, really?

As purple said upthread, there is no easy way to do this - no easy way to break up a home, a marriage, to devastate and humiliate someone. But if you feel strongly enough that you must do it in order to stay sane then don't look for forgiveness or understanding, (from him or anyone) just have the courage of your convictions, and accept that you must bear the brunt of his bitterness and hurt for a while. It will pass. Don't be self-pitying over it.

There are one hell of a lot of assumptions being made here - have I missed something?

OP's opening post was very brief and she hasn't been back to clarify.

izzyizin Mon 25-Feb-13 11:52:05

you grit your teeth and fulfill your parental obligations

In the face of emotional, financial, verbal, sexual, and physical abuse cronullansw?

Grit your teeth while your wounds get stitched up? Grit your teeth while your bones are set? Grit your teeth as you explain to sceptical doctors/police officers for the umpteenth time that you are clumsy by nature and are always falling downstairs, walking into doors, tripping over rugs?

Grit your teeth as you whack another load of slap over the bruises and swear those dc who saw or heard you being attacked to silence?

What alternative would you recommend to someone who's had their teeth knocked out during repeated beatings over time and has none left that are capable of being gritted?

MoodyDidIt Mon 25-Feb-13 10:54:33

no you are not being selfish

you are not happy, you don't love him

do yourself and him a favour and get out

and i wish you both happiness in the future x

Cherriesarelovely Mon 25-Feb-13 10:48:03

The poor OP has made it very clear how hard she has tried and how horrible she feels. Of course you shouldn't leave a marriage on a whim. That would be awful and indeed selfish but to stay with your partner for years and years when you are miserable (unsure how the other partner could be happy if you are totally miserable) is not healthy for anyone.

My relationship split up when my Dd was 1. Neither of us were happy. We had grow apart and wanted completely different things. Yes, it was tricky for a while but now, 9 years later, both of us are absolutely settled. Dd is and incredibly happy, well adjusted.

cronullansw would it really have been better for our Dd if we had stayed together, miserable and resentful?

cronullansw - at what point then does a wife become "allowed" to not fulfill her marital obligations?

When her husband rapes her every time he feels like it and tells her to be quiet so as not to wake the kids?

When her husband beats her every time she dares to disagree?

When her husband drinks all the food money and leaves her going hungry as she struggles to feed her kids?

Just interested.

Is it me, or has the op disappeared since her first post?

ohmyglob, are you ok?

Have you any more info to give us so we can help you?

Chubfuddler Mon 25-Feb-13 09:25:25

No surprise really considering some of the responses.

larrygrylls Mon 25-Feb-13 09:00:24

Cronul and Akiss,

You both articulate well the two sides of this argument. My parents were like yours, Akiss, staying together and arguing all the time. Far better for them to have split up earlier. OTOH, there do seem to be a lot of very entitled people on these threads who feel that they have zero obligation to work at a marriage and, at the first whiff of discontent, changed circumstances, slight misbehaviour by their partner or someone more appealing coming along, feel that they have the right to leave straight away.

The truth is in the middle, surely. A marriage is a big commitment and not one to be walked away from lightly, especially where children are concerned. However, if both parties have really done their best to make it work and are still miserable, that is the time to make a split as amicably as possible.

Re the OP, we have no idea where she lies on this spectrum as she has given hardly any information and then not posted again.

'My point was, as ever, a parents feelings mean diddly squat until the kids are old enough to stand on their own two feet and that until then, you grit your teeth and fulfill your parental obligations.'

That's what my mum did, stayed together for the sake of the kids and gave us a miserable, guilt filled childhood in the process. It's awful growing up knowing your mum is miserable and wouldn't be if I hadn't been born (as an adult I can see it's more complex than that but that's how I felt as a child).

cronullansw Mon 25-Feb-13 08:23:37

Lucy gets it..........

As for the others choosing to criticise me and making sweeping statements about my bitterness because my housekeeper left me; smile

You couldn't be more wrong. Happily married over 20 years you know.

My point was, as ever, a parents feelings mean diddly squat until the kids are old enough to stand on their own two feet and that until then, you grit your teeth and fulfill your parental obligations.

Life isn't about you, it is about giving your children the best possible, start, middle and conclusion to their childhood.

Jengnr Sun 24-Feb-13 11:15:56

Thanks!

TheSilveryPussycat Sun 24-Feb-13 10:59:57

That would be Leave The Bastard, jengnr. This MN solution is offered in many contexts, some of them extremely appropriate, others in bathetic jest. Always worth including in one's options imho, especially if you would actually like to but can't see how atm - there will be a way...

Jengnr Sun 24-Feb-13 10:54:22

What does LTB mean?

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