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I don't love him enough to be married anymore. I am a selfish bitch?(57 Posts)
I have just told DH that I can't do it anymore and I want to split for good.
He doesn't understand and thinks I'm a selfish bitch and says that he hates me so much now. I'm being selfish for not wanting to stay together to make him and the children happy.
I have tried, so hard over the last year to forget how I feel. I even went to counselling.
I can't make this easier can I?
I feel the same, I don't know I love my husband anymore. I'm not a selfish person and I'm presently with him for the kids having a better life but don't if i will be able to do it for x amount of years it will take till they grow up. I've tried speaking to my husband. He has depression which he denies that has taken toll on our relationship and I sometimes feel this has made me in turn depressed. He is not my best friend he isn't even really a friend anymore. He is never there for me when I need him. For the last few years I've looked at estate agents trying to add up if I can afford to get my own place. OP I don't think you are being selfish leaving. My circumstances are such that my kids have a lovely life with us as a couple on a material basis and they wouldn't have that if I was alone. Also my husband is a shit husband but good dad which also makes me feel terribly guilty.
Omg - no, you can't make it easier for him. If you are the one doing the leaving then it will be hideous for him, whatever the circumstances. Expect him to be highly emotional and irrational, for there to be grief and anger. Batten down the hatches and don't sweat the small stuff and be as kind as you can without giving out mixed signals. Been there, got the scars.
whattodonow I managed to stick it out till kids were 23 and 21, and partly fledged. With the help of good friends and living in a beautiful part of the countryside. I also didn't realise that it was my relationship making me depressed, instead of my depression being to blame for my relationship, iyswim. We were together, though v on and off at the start, and major ups and downs, for 40 years (ulp), and I don't feel those years were actually wasted or anything.
Scorpion there was no lack of trying on my part, I did everything I could to make our life together better and to keep communications going... He refused to discuss anything towards the end, including our financial situation.
He wants you to stay make him and the kids happy. What is he doing/will he be doing to make you happy? the bus runs both ways. It can't all be one sided he has to give 100% also.
She's really unhappy. ("I can't do it any more" just reeks of desperation)
The only reason she would stay would be to make him and the children happy - although I would dispute the children would actually be happy with a mum who was utterly utterly miserable.
She isn't doing this on a whim but has really tried to change how she feels .("I have tried, so hard over the last year to forget how I feel. I even went to counselling.")
But you interpret that as her just being oh so selfish and not trying and not caring about anyone but herself and think it's ok to write a spiteful and sneering message to her?
She's spent a whole year trying to change things and god knows how long trying to ignore her unhappiness because she is putting other people first.
She finally reaches a point where her unhappiness is so great that she wants to do something about it and it's not good enough? What? She's not unhappy enough? Unhappiness is the price a woman must pay in order to keep her man happy?
What's the matter with you?
cronullansw - one day I will be dead. That is the only way I can get away from my oh. Sometimes I can barely get through the day and only the thought that one day I will be dead and away from him keeps me going. There is no marriage in heaven. if I was with him it would be hell.
my oh thinks we are happily married. Maybe you did too before she escaped. But one day I will be dead and there is nothing he can do about that.
I have never come closer to crying at someone's words on here. That is truly the saddest thing I have read in a long time.
That would be Leave The Bastard, jengnr. This MN solution is offered in many contexts, some of them extremely appropriate, others in bathetic jest. Always worth including in one's options imho, especially if you would actually like to but can't see how atm - there will be a way...
Lucy gets it..........
As for the others choosing to criticise me and making sweeping statements about my bitterness because my housekeeper left me;
You couldn't be more wrong. Happily married over 20 years you know.
My point was, as ever, a parents feelings mean diddly squat until the kids are old enough to stand on their own two feet and that until then, you grit your teeth and fulfill your parental obligations.
Life isn't about you, it is about giving your children the best possible, start, middle and conclusion to their childhood.
'My point was, as ever, a parents feelings mean diddly squat until the kids are old enough to stand on their own two feet and that until then, you grit your teeth and fulfill your parental obligations.'
That's what my mum did, stayed together for the sake of the kids and gave us a miserable, guilt filled childhood in the process. It's awful growing up knowing your mum is miserable and wouldn't be if I hadn't been born (as an adult I can see it's more complex than that but that's how I felt as a child).
Cronul and Akiss,
You both articulate well the two sides of this argument. My parents were like yours, Akiss, staying together and arguing all the time. Far better for them to have split up earlier. OTOH, there do seem to be a lot of very entitled people on these threads who feel that they have zero obligation to work at a marriage and, at the first whiff of discontent, changed circumstances, slight misbehaviour by their partner or someone more appealing coming along, feel that they have the right to leave straight away.
The truth is in the middle, surely. A marriage is a big commitment and not one to be walked away from lightly, especially where children are concerned. However, if both parties have really done their best to make it work and are still miserable, that is the time to make a split as amicably as possible.
Re the OP, we have no idea where she lies on this spectrum as she has given hardly any information and then not posted again.
No surprise really considering some of the responses.
Is it me, or has the op disappeared since her first post?
ohmyglob, are you ok?
Have you any more info to give us so we can help you?
cronullansw - at what point then does a wife become "allowed" to not fulfill her marital obligations?
When her husband rapes her every time he feels like it and tells her to be quiet so as not to wake the kids?
When her husband beats her every time she dares to disagree?
When her husband drinks all the food money and leaves her going hungry as she struggles to feed her kids?
The poor OP has made it very clear how hard she has tried and how horrible she feels. Of course you shouldn't leave a marriage on a whim. That would be awful and indeed selfish but to stay with your partner for years and years when you are miserable (unsure how the other partner could be happy if you are totally miserable) is not healthy for anyone.
My relationship split up when my Dd was 1. Neither of us were happy. We had grow apart and wanted completely different things. Yes, it was tricky for a while but now, 9 years later, both of us are absolutely settled. Dd is and incredibly happy, well adjusted.
cronullansw would it really have been better for our Dd if we had stayed together, miserable and resentful?
no you are not being selfish
you are not happy, you don't love him
do yourself and him a favour and get out
and i wish you both happiness in the future x
you grit your teeth and fulfill your parental obligations
In the face of emotional, financial, verbal, sexual, and physical abuse cronullansw?
Grit your teeth while your wounds get stitched up? Grit your teeth while your bones are set? Grit your teeth as you explain to sceptical doctors/police officers for the umpteenth time that you are clumsy by nature and are always falling downstairs, walking into doors, tripping over rugs?
Grit your teeth as you whack another load of slap over the bruises and swear those dc who saw or heard you being attacked to silence?
What alternative would you recommend to someone who's had their teeth knocked out during repeated beatings over time and has none left that are capable of being gritted?
There are one hell of a lot of assumptions being made here - have I missed something?
OP's opening post was very brief and she hasn't been back to clarify.
If your husband is basically a good and decent non-abusive man who tries hard to make you happy, but you have just fallen out of love and you are prepared to make him (and your children) unhappy for a while in order to put yourself first, then yes - that is a bit selfish. And any man who came on here with a story like yours would be told exactly that in no uncertain terms.
But just because it's selfish does not necessarily make it wrong. Look, I'm not sure exactly what you want to hear, really?
As purple said upthread, there is no easy way to do this - no easy way to break up a home, a marriage, to devastate and humiliate someone. But if you feel strongly enough that you must do it in order to stay sane then don't look for forgiveness or understanding, (from him or anyone) just have the courage of your convictions, and accept that you must bear the brunt of his bitterness and hurt for a while. It will pass. Don't be self-pitying over it.
I think you are being very honest, and brave, but - as you will have gathered by now from some of the nasty responses that you've received on here - there may not be a lot of support out there for you from other parents who think you should just stick it out.
I don't agree with the "stop being so selfish - stick it out for the sake of your kids - brigade at all. I can not think of anything worse then being trapped in a marriage "for the sake of the kids".
You only have one life. Make the most of it. Life is WAY too short to be stuck in an unhappy marriage.
I suspect your OH will not make things easy for you. May even deliberately try to make things difficult for you! That's to be expected and you will need to suck it up whilst he gets used to the change. It will all come good in the end when he sees that you are prepared to cut him some slack in order to maintain good relations with him in order that you can both eventually act appropriately in matters concerning your children.
I do think you ought to be honest with your kids though and explain to them that arrangements are changing because you want them too. You do need to take full responsibility for this. Your kids may resent you for the ensuing upheaval. I suspect that, as adults, they will respect you for making a difficult decision like that.
I admire you for having the gumption, and the self-respect, to acknowledge that your own happiness is important enough to make such a difficult change and I wish you all the best.
It's a balance, isn't it? I mean, the OP only has one life, but then so do her children - if a happy-ok marriage is in their best interests in their formative years, maybe it's better to stick it out. If it's an abusive horrible marriage, leave.
"I admire you for having the gumption, and the self-respect, to acknowledge that your own happiness is important enough to make such a difficult change and I wish you all the best."
This is becoming a very hypothetical thread but people who put their own "happiness" first are very rarely ever truly happy.
Izzy and Freddie,
There is a hell of a lot of projection in your posts. Nowhere has the OP mentioned DV or sexual abuse, or any kind of abuse. It is incredibly hard to guess where she is coming from but, from her limited input, one would guess that she has either plain fallen out of love or she has had an affair and is trying to get over it. Those are equally assumptions but at least fit better with her therapy etc.
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